Trying to Find Me

[Kiara]

Hello, my name is Kiara and I'm in the process of slowly becoming myself again. I'm AFAB and was raised by a very ciswoman who forced her ideas of gender binary onto me when I started puberty. Prior to that it was perfectly okay for me to swing between girly girl and tomboy, but the minute she found on I started my period she was hyper critical of every single choice I made. It became a daily interrogation of "did you wear makeup? did you carry a purse? did you do something with your hair?" She threw out all my non-fem clothes and underwear and dragged me to Victoria's Secret to buy the most uncomfortable bras ever which I wore a few times before just living in the very last bra I had for months until I escaped and could buy and keep my own clothes again.

After I escaped I was free for a bit and happy despite being borderline homeless. I could dress how I wanted, but my life wasn't sustainable. I had a low wage job, only a high school level education, no car, and no home (at least I had wonderful friends). I realized that if I wanted to survive that meant doing things the way my mother taught me to give me the best odds. I had to be a cis/het/mono woman. I got a better job, my own car, an apartment.. But along the way people kept telling me that the only reason I wanted to be myself was because I was still rebelling against my mother. After a while I started believing them to some degree and just gave up. Clothes are expensive, my body is too female, and I was already married to a very straight man.

Over the past few years I've slowly come out of survival mode and started allowing myself to be me. I came out as polyamorous to my husband. I discovered I'm demisexual. I've become more open about being pansexual. Finally, I've started working on my gender identity. Out of all the things I've been forced to hide, this was the one that took the most damage over my lifetime. Constantly being told to dress and act a certain way then actually forcing myself to be that way over many years while suppressing my true self has been like slowly drinking poison. Recently it's all catching up with me and I find myself unable to ignore it any longer.

I finally recognize all the things I've felt over the years. There are times when I'm completely okay with my femininity and other times when everything just feels wrong. I still remember the first time I put on a kilt and felt masc again. It didn't exactly make sense, but honestly it was a tipping point for me. I didn't completely understand it until I started reading more about gender identity outside of the binary and spending time with people (before the plague) who identify as something other than cis. For now due to my many years of forced femininity I identify as demigirl. I honestly think I was probably more just gender neutral at one point, but I've been playing female for so long now that I'm not sure how to be anything else.

I feel very lucky that both of my partners have been extremely supportive of me on my journey. They both love and accept me for who I am even as I keep changing and evolving. I'm still worried about the impact on my employment prospects or just being out in the world. I desperately want to cut my hair really short, but I'm terrified of how that will change people's perception of me. If there was one thing my mother drilled into me is that people are constantly judging you and the last four years have done nothing but make me even more worried about not appearing 'normal.' It's something simple and small and yet I'm terrified. My hair will grow back if I hate it, but they way people see me won't go back to the way it was.

 

Anyway, I'm sorry for writing a novel... TL;DR: I was AFAB and after years of people forcing their idea of the gender binary on me I'm trying to just be myself, but I'm struggling.

[Jani]

Hello Kiara and welcome.  As to your earlier days, it was wise to focus on safety, shelter and food.  Trying to be who you are while struggling is doubly hard.  Staying alive and having a plan for later is best but I understand thats its hard.  It seems like you are in a stable environment now so as you note it's the time to  decide who you really are and act upon it to live happily.   Don't worry about your hair, just cut it.  It will grow back (1/2" every 4 to 5 weeks).  I recognize you are struggling.  You can write and interact with others here that understand.  All my best to you.

 

Jani

[DonkeySocks]

Hi, Kiara. Thanks for sharing your story. About the haircut: go for it. If you aren't sure you want to present as masculine, just tell people you thought it might be cute, and that it's easy to care for. If you don't overtly make it about changing your image, they won't think of it that way.

[Susan R]

20 hours ago, Kiara said:

Constantly being told to dress and act a certain way then actually forcing myself to be that way over many years while suppressing my true self has been like slowly drinking poison. Recently it's all catching up with me and I find myself unable to ignore it any longer.

Welcome Kiara, It a pleasure to meet you. This is such a common experience for many of us including myself. Suppression is never the final solution although as @Jani mentioned in critical times it had to be done. It often leads to anger and eventually depression or even worse. There comes a time when you can’t continue the facade and have to live as yourself. You’re there and I see it as a very positive liberating experience for you. As for the hair, there nothing wrong with experimentation. Finding what works and what doesn’t is part of the fun. I change my hair styles so often I think it drives my wife a little crazy sometimes.

 

Glad you’ve joined us here. Hope to read more about you!

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Kiara]

Thanks everyone! It's nice to find an active forum online these days. I didn't socialize much in the real world before the pandemic and now I don't go out at all. The few social things I used to go to were very accepting of many different types of people, but cisgendered people always made up the majority of people attending. Still, it was going to these social gatherings and events that I got see there was a huge spectrum of people. It has been very difficult to be completely isolated from all that, but in-person things just aren't happening right now. The timing has been horrible for me since I finally feel brave enough to try to even talk about it now.

 

I know my hair is a weird thing to get hung up on, but I've always kept it long. Lately the urge to cut it off has been much stronger, but then the pandemic happened and I didn't want people to think I just went crazy in lockdown. I essentially want shave my head or just cut it extremely short. I actually spent some time reading about other women who shaved their heads and most of them found it to be a positive experience. The one thing many of them said that really struck a chord with me is that they felt/realized that they had been hiding behind their hair.

I've only had my cut very short once. As a very young child my mother got extremely angry at me that I couldn't keep it from being a tangled mess and cut it really short as a punishment. I have cut it shoulder length a few times since, but I've always gone back to keeping it long. My hair has always been the feature to get lots of compliments especially when it's longer. It's been such a signature look that a girl I went to high school with that I hadn't seen in over a decade said she recognized me from behind just from my hair.

If Jani is correct then it would take me 2-3 years to grow most of it back (it's over 2 feet long now). It's a bit terrifying, but I'm probably going to do at the end of the week on my birthday.

[Jani]

If you cut it, it will grow back.  As it does you may find a style that suits you better.  You're still relatively young, don't despair (really).  I freaked out when all my hair was cut when I joined the military decades ago (way past my shoulders).  Its never been that short again but I've had a number of cool styles throughout my time.  We seem to constantly evolve so do what pleases you.  Cut it back if it will make you feel good. 

 

Cheers, Jani

[Gabriel]

Hi @Kiara, welcome!

 

I get your attachment to your hair as an identiy hallmark for you. I think your dread to cut it makes total sense, as for you it is more than just a feature, even more if the way your mother punished you was cutting your hair. Don't be hard on yourself and do it when and as it feels right for you. Maybe even in stages if it feels better for you (first short bob, then short).

 

My experience when cutting my hair (I wore it almost to my waist) was two folded. On one hand I felt relieved, even if it felt weird for the first week or so. On the other hand I realised that people who knew me were surprised, for sure, but they didn't ask any meaning to it other than me cutting my hair and trying a different style. Most of them directly assumed the "this is more comfortable" idea. It actually had to be me saying out loud that this made me feel better with myself for them to think that there was more to it than just changing style.

[DonkeySocks]

21 hours ago, Kiara said:

 

I know my hair is a weird thing to get hung up on, but I've always kept it long.

 

21 hours ago, Kiara said:

I've only had my cut very short once. As a very young child my mother got extremely angry at me that I couldn't keep it from being a tangled mess and cut it really short as a punishment.

As @Gabriel mentioned, it's not at all a weird thing to get hung up on if you were shamed for it.

 

Happy almost-birthday! I hope it works out for you! But really anything you do to change your hair because you can and you want to, is a self-affirming step, if you've unconsciously internalized that trimming your hair is equated with shame. So if you cut it, even if you aren't thrilled with the results, you will be stronger. But I bet you will enjoy it.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Kiara,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?