Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

I am Lunitaria - a history in brief.


lachallenger

Recommended Posts

I am 47 years of age, as of this month. I was raised by a single mother, who tried her best to raise a conscientious child, including a very Biblical name and all of the hopes that a parent could put into a child; I still value kindness and compassion, because I was raised with them, quite simply. I did not meet the man who was introduced as my father until I was 14, and despite him periodically visiting my family's house, it wasn't until much later that I knew what kind of a person that he was. I spent a lot of my teen years with a tremendous amount of undirected anger at my environment and myself, disliking mirrors (which I did for a very long time), and generally feeling angry and depressed, without apparent cause.

 

I first really began asking myself questions about my gender when I was in my mid-20s, sadly during the last years of my mother's life, and she succumbed to cancer, during a time when I was working 15 hour days for 5 days of the week for two years before - to be perfectly blunt the combination of events that preceded and followed this left my mind feeling like so much guacamole, and I remember very little of the years immediately following. During which I and my remaining relative sold the large house I had grown up in and I wound up moving in with very strict Christian Fundamentalist cousins.

 

After spending a few years with them, I moved and got new work in a different, somewhat larger town - but since my new employer never paid me and I could find no further work, I wound up losing my residence and everything I owned that would not fit into a car. I wound up moving in with a friend that owned a house, though their family showed me the door after 2 weeks - and spent the next decade and change with an emotionally disturbed roommate in a 300 square foot studio apartment.

 

My present circumstances are much better, with a significant other that accepts who I am, and a house with the two of us and a roommate that are accepting of such differences. The total isolation or near-total isolation since March has allowed me much time for introspection and the shedding of armor I had been wearing around my identity since... my twenties? At minimum since living with the relatives that would as likely as not left me standing in the street if they'd known. This is where I am, discovering who I am, not feeling connected with pronouns, but most definitely understanding that I was not born my correct gender by a long shot.

Link to post
Vanessa Michelle

@lachallenger Thanks for joining the forums and sharing your story! Welcome! We are all in different places of our stories and I know you'll find the love and acceptance you deserve here as well as people eager to talk and help any way they can in the process. Thanks for trusting us with your story. I am also late 40's and have only recently accepted who I have always been. That's all the further I have taken it other than telling 2 friends. I also come from the Christian faith and that was the last hurdle I had to overcome to believe I was ok and that God not only still loved me, but accepted me exactly as I am. Bless you and again, welcome!! ❤️

Link to post
gina-nicole-t

@lachallenger Welcome her also and thanks for your story. I am also in my late 40's just like you and @Vanessa Michelle. It took me an also long time to figure out who I was and that I was born in the totally wrong body just like you. I am an agnostic currently because my religion has completely turned their back on me. Such is life in America currently. I have yet to find an accepting religion in the Christian Faith that I was raised in. I am glad to have met the both of you on this site. 

 

Gina 

Link to post

o/ Early 40's, does that mean I can play too? Pleased to meet you!  It alwasy makes me so sad to see just how many people equate Christianity with the word "conservative" like they go together, when Jesus spent his life subverting the cultural norms of his day.

I just always thought I was crap at being a man until my 40th birthday, then I just sort of got hit in the face with dysphoria  and it has been an emotional ride, but a very rewarding one the last couple of years. I am glad you are finding yourself @lachallenger there are plenty of different threads to read through, or just start your own if there is a topic you want to talk about. :) 

Link to post

Typed words alone cannot convey how happy I am to find that there are others in the world not so unlike myself - a circumstance that is relatively new to me.

Link to post
Vanessa Michelle

I agree @lachallenger ⬆️ I was so confused and felt afraid to come out on here even because I thought my so-called orientation and my story were so jacked up that I was positive someone here would tell me so and that I wasn't trans or anything, I'm just messed up and confused, that's all. Then I read a few others who felt the same as me and I was amazed and I didn't feel so abnormal anymore. 

As for the Christian faith, I understand. I am far from "out" in my journey, but part of my "problem" is I and my wife are pastors who pastor a church we planted. My first priority in accepting who I am was verifying for myself that I really am a woman who was assigned male at birth, then it was seeking to understand that from a biblical perspective and synthesize that with a more accurate understanding of Scripture where it doesn't condemn us in our community, but rather supports us. Matthew Vines and Kathy Baldock were invaluable in my research and changing my understanding of "what the Bible says" about us. I am confident in my understanding now and while I know the Church does not as of yet align with the truth I have found, I know that God himself does and he loves us just as we are and as the Word says, there is no condemnation for us. I am rather out of the box in my theology as it is and so I am glad to have finally crossed over this barrier as well. In time, I may come out fully and transition as well. Baby steps. I don't wish to offend or step out of the confines of the religion section with my above comments, but I want you all to know, as a charismatic ordained pastor I say this: The Church as a whole may not agree with us and yet align with what God himself feels about us in the LGBTQ+ community, but his heart for us is pure love and you are not wrong for being non-heterosexual. It is not a choice, you are not a mistake, you belong to the Church like anyone else professing faith in Christ. I can understand one leaving the Church due to their experiences above, but be comforted that you needn't leave God. He loves you, he always has and nothing can change that. You are so beautiful to him. Blessings my friends. Love you all. ❤️

Link to post
gina-nicole-t

@Vanessa Michelle I never turned away from God, nor did I believe he/she turned away from me. It's like you stated that the current Christian Church doesn't really care for the LGBTQ people in their building as of yet. I was reading an article the other day that the Pope is still trying to move the needle with the Catholic Church. I will believe it when it happens, but I do give him credit for trying. https://www.washingtonpost.com/dc-md-va/2020/10/21/what-pope-franciss-comments-about-gay-families-could-mean-lgbtq-attitudes-worldwide/ 

I am really glad that you and your wife are pastors in your own church. I infer you are going to minister to the LGBTQ community as well as everyone else? I am 3 years into my journey and am getting my breast augmentation, and FFS in January 2021. Finally i will begin the process of aligning my body to my true self. It's wonderful to know you. 

 

Gina

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   7 Members, 0 Anonymous, 85 Guests (See full list)

    • CBabe
    • VickySGV
    • HollyNoel
    • Chiefsrule58
    • Ethereal
    • Daphne
    • MomTGDaughter
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      72,917
    • Total Posts
      668,725
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      7,913
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Jamie68
    Newest Member
    Jamie68
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Athena
      Athena
      (25 years old)
    2. Crypygan
      Crypygan
    3. Miss_Y
      Miss_Y
      (34 years old)
  • Posts

    • Ethereal
      This is extremely sad. I am very sorry to hear that this happened. It is unfortunate that we still have to deal with bullying and transphobia - coming from adults, no less. Like others have said here, the very person who should have protected her, didn't. This is a crime. The counselor absolutely needs to be fired and potentially prohibited from working as a counselor ever again at the very least.   Here in Brazil, there is a lot of transphobia too. What a shame.
    • Ethereal
      Are you Japanese? Your English is very good. I'd love to learn Japanese. I'm not non-binary so I may not be able to assist you very much...  I think that dysphoria can change depending on the day and situation.   At first, it is very odd to hear someone call you by a different name but you get used to it after a while. You might be more comfortable using a different pronoun and name around certain people, there is no issue in that, although you may need to correct someone once in a while. You can always have a pseudonym, too, and if you're up for experimenting, there are gender neutral names such as Makoto or Tsukasa.
    • Vanessa Michelle
      I am a police and fire commissioner and a former volunteer firefighter. I love our first responders and am so thankful for them (you) all! ❤️
    • Ethereal
      Thanks Appreciate the support.
    • Ethereal
      I still have a bit of internalised transphobia within me as well as internalised homophobia. I don't accept myself as a real homosexual male because I didn't have a cisgender experience and because there are gay guys who aren't attracted to FtM at all. Some aren't kind about it and this triggered dysphoria for me.   I once made a comment without thinking and got called homophobic which deeply scarred me, too, because I don't want to be prejudiced towards anyone, and it would be hypocritical for me to be homophobic.   I am a trans man who also grew up in a conservative environment, and I grew up hearing transphobic jokes. I even laughed at them. My family, even after I came out of the closet, doesn't accept me very well and mocks me, so there are times where I hate being transgender. I'm not a stereotypical FtM either since I don't want to present overly masculine. I also like makeup. I feel out of place in the FtM community. Most of the trans guys I know identified as lesbians before they figured out their gender identity. I seem to have almost nothing in common with them, which doesn't help the feelings of isolation and alienation.   I tried getting back to living as a woman but it didn't work out - I was only trying to fool myself. I had an epiphany that I really am a man no matter if I transitioned or not. And I'll have to accept my trans body.   It took me a while for me to get comfortable with male pronouns. Before I came out, when I presented as male online, I feared being "found out as a girl" and called out as an impostor.   But now I've relaxed. The only issue I have is that I don't pass very well yet so I have to make an effort to look more masculine. After my transition, I won't care too much.   It's better to live as ourselves than pretend to be something we are not.
    • Vanessa Michelle
      @EtherealWelcome to the group!! So glad you joined us! Sexuality and gender are not black and white and that's ok. We all identify in a way that best suits our internal sense of self. I'm glad to see you processing and exploring yours as well. Congrats on starting HRT! Thank you for sharing your story with us! I trust you will find this a welcoming and friendly place. ❤️
    • Ethereal
      Hi! I'm a 22 year old trans guy from Brazil. My name is Thanassis, but you can call me by my username since it is easier to remember. I'd been questioning my gender since puberty, but things got more complicated when I turned 20 and I finally came out around that time. It was very painful and confusing. I'm still trying to come to terms with my gender and my sexuality. I identify as gay but I might really be slightly bisexual. It is difficult for me to deal with. I am also somewhat androgynous, I want to look like the man I am, but I would not mind wearing makeup or feminine clothes sometimes. Of course, I would love to have a beard and be able to wear a suit too. I am heavily inspired by subculture fashion and artists who defied gender stereotypes, so it makes sense. But sometimes I feel out of it in the FtM community. I haven't come out to everyone yet, but I will have to do that soon. I started HRT around October last year.   I'm into music and art in general, different cultures, technology, video games and other niche interests. Nice to meet you all.
    • Ethereal
      @Vanessa Michelle I will do that, thank you!
    • Ethereal
      I think that is awesome. There needs to be more acceptance of variances in gender expression. I've seen bullying towards MtF who did not present stereotypically femme and I have seen bullying towards FtM who were not macho. It is sad to see that. I am a FtM guy who is androgynous. I want to be able to wear makeup and feminine clothing, at the same time that I want to have a beard and wear a suit and tie. Being feminine as a woman felt constricting to me and like I was putting on an act. I am gay so it may be expected for homosexual men to disregard gender expectations, but the point still stands.    It is completely ok for you to be a straight woman who is butch. There are guys who are into that, but keep in mind that you might also get hit on by lesbian or bisexual ladies. Before I came out, I looked butch/androgynous, and I had interest coming from both heterosexual guys and queer women.   Don't feel like an odd duck - this is all completely fine
    • Ethereal
      I am similar to you. I've had depression since childhood and dysphoria made my symptoms worse. I think it is not at all unusual. I'd classify my dysphoria level as medium  - it took me ages for me to come out as trans since I was able to tolerate my body until the year 2018, when my dysphoria was off the roof and I was very emotionally unstable.   I had been doubting my gender identity since I was 12 - I came out at 20. It was a hard year for me and I even started dissociating because I was unsure of what I was. I wanted to be a man, but still had doubts about it. I knew that I was not opposed to androgyny. I wanted to have different genitals, and a flat chest, etc. But I was unsure about having a different voice and things like that. It was a fear of the unknown.   There were days in which I could look down and see my body and almost be content with it, but there was something that still bothered me. People would tell me that I sounded like a non-binary person, but as it turns out - I am just a man, in my own terms. I will wear what I want and do what I want. I don't want to be a macho man at all. I will wear a suit in some days and I might use makeup when I feel like it. And that's ok. Even after I came out, I still went back to being a "girl" because I was repressing myself. It just ended in trouble.   You do not need to adhere to any "rules". Transition the way you think is best. It is your life, your mind and your body. Experiment with pronouns and a name. It will be odd at first - I feared using male pronouns for the longest time because I thought someone would think I was an impostor. It was a silly thought.   Try dressing up more masculine and see if that clicks with you. Get a short haircut or even buzz your hair off, etc. Present as a male online. See how you feel about it. I hope you find the path that works for you.
    • KymmieL
      Unfortunately, I haven't been employed at one place long enough to eek out a retirement. Luckily I have my VA disability. But I am at least 10 yrs from SS. Don't have to worry about medical VA pays for it all. (hopefully soon my HRT.)   Work was as boring as I thought or maybe it is me. However I did get in my new work shirts. Ladies with Kymbrill on them.  Actually afraid to wear them.   My wife was talking about summer travel plans. I have worked on my own plan. Just hop on the bike and just ride. just me and the open road for a week. Take some time for me.   Have good evening everyone.   Kymmie
    • Vanessa Michelle
      @EtherealSweet!! Welcome to you too! Please start an Introductions post for yourself as well and share your story if you are comfy. We are glad to have you here too and can't wait to get to know you!! ❤️
    • Vanessa Michelle
      Awesomeness, will do. Thanks Vicky!
    • VickySGV
      The Chat rooms have been having trouble with participation recently and in all likelihood need the calendars revised.  I would have to go into the Community Center and ask one of the mods there what is going on.  Introduce yourself there and ask away.  The Chat Rooms have a different staff from the Forums, so not too many of us in the forums know what is going on there.  @princecharmless aka Stu is the admin boss there.  
    • Ethereal
      Hello, welcome to the forum. I'm also new here
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...