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I am Lunitaria - a history in brief.


lachallenger

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I am 47 years of age, as of this month. I was raised by a single mother, who tried her best to raise a conscientious child, including a very Biblical name and all of the hopes that a parent could put into a child; I still value kindness and compassion, because I was raised with them, quite simply. I did not meet the man who was introduced as my father until I was 14, and despite him periodically visiting my family's house, it wasn't until much later that I knew what kind of a person that he was. I spent a lot of my teen years with a tremendous amount of undirected anger at my environment and myself, disliking mirrors (which I did for a very long time), and generally feeling angry and depressed, without apparent cause.

 

I first really began asking myself questions about my gender when I was in my mid-20s, sadly during the last years of my mother's life, and she succumbed to cancer, during a time when I was working 15 hour days for 5 days of the week for two years before - to be perfectly blunt the combination of events that preceded and followed this left my mind feeling like so much guacamole, and I remember very little of the years immediately following. During which I and my remaining relative sold the large house I had grown up in and I wound up moving in with very strict Christian Fundamentalist cousins.

 

After spending a few years with them, I moved and got new work in a different, somewhat larger town - but since my new employer never paid me and I could find no further work, I wound up losing my residence and everything I owned that would not fit into a car. I wound up moving in with a friend that owned a house, though their family showed me the door after 2 weeks - and spent the next decade and change with an emotionally disturbed roommate in a 300 square foot studio apartment.

 

My present circumstances are much better, with a significant other that accepts who I am, and a house with the two of us and a roommate that are accepting of such differences. The total isolation or near-total isolation since March has allowed me much time for introspection and the shedding of armor I had been wearing around my identity since... my twenties? At minimum since living with the relatives that would as likely as not left me standing in the street if they'd known. This is where I am, discovering who I am, not feeling connected with pronouns, but most definitely understanding that I was not born my correct gender by a long shot.

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Vanessa Michelle

@lachallenger Thanks for joining the forums and sharing your story! Welcome! We are all in different places of our stories and I know you'll find the love and acceptance you deserve here as well as people eager to talk and help any way they can in the process. Thanks for trusting us with your story. I am also late 40's and have only recently accepted who I have always been. That's all the further I have taken it other than telling 2 friends. I also come from the Christian faith and that was the last hurdle I had to overcome to believe I was ok and that God not only still loved me, but accepted me exactly as I am. Bless you and again, welcome!! ❤️

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gina-nicole-t

@lachallenger Welcome her also and thanks for your story. I am also in my late 40's just like you and @Vanessa Michelle. It took me an also long time to figure out who I was and that I was born in the totally wrong body just like you. I am an agnostic currently because my religion has completely turned their back on me. Such is life in America currently. I have yet to find an accepting religion in the Christian Faith that I was raised in. I am glad to have met the both of you on this site. 

 

Gina 

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o/ Early 40's, does that mean I can play too? Pleased to meet you!  It alwasy makes me so sad to see just how many people equate Christianity with the word "conservative" like they go together, when Jesus spent his life subverting the cultural norms of his day.

I just always thought I was crap at being a man until my 40th birthday, then I just sort of got hit in the face with dysphoria  and it has been an emotional ride, but a very rewarding one the last couple of years. I am glad you are finding yourself @lachallenger there are plenty of different threads to read through, or just start your own if there is a topic you want to talk about. :) 

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Typed words alone cannot convey how happy I am to find that there are others in the world not so unlike myself - a circumstance that is relatively new to me.

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Vanessa Michelle

I agree @lachallenger ⬆️ I was so confused and felt afraid to come out on here even because I thought my so-called orientation and my story were so jacked up that I was positive someone here would tell me so and that I wasn't trans or anything, I'm just messed up and confused, that's all. Then I read a few others who felt the same as me and I was amazed and I didn't feel so abnormal anymore. 

As for the Christian faith, I understand. I am far from "out" in my journey, but part of my "problem" is I and my wife are pastors who pastor a church we planted. My first priority in accepting who I am was verifying for myself that I really am a woman who was assigned male at birth, then it was seeking to understand that from a biblical perspective and synthesize that with a more accurate understanding of Scripture where it doesn't condemn us in our community, but rather supports us. Matthew Vines and Kathy Baldock were invaluable in my research and changing my understanding of "what the Bible says" about us. I am confident in my understanding now and while I know the Church does not as of yet align with the truth I have found, I know that God himself does and he loves us just as we are and as the Word says, there is no condemnation for us. I am rather out of the box in my theology as it is and so I am glad to have finally crossed over this barrier as well. In time, I may come out fully and transition as well. Baby steps. I don't wish to offend or step out of the confines of the religion section with my above comments, but I want you all to know, as a charismatic ordained pastor I say this: The Church as a whole may not agree with us and yet align with what God himself feels about us in the LGBTQ+ community, but his heart for us is pure love and you are not wrong for being non-heterosexual. It is not a choice, you are not a mistake, you belong to the Church like anyone else professing faith in Christ. I can understand one leaving the Church due to their experiences above, but be comforted that you needn't leave God. He loves you, he always has and nothing can change that. You are so beautiful to him. Blessings my friends. Love you all. ❤️

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gina-nicole-t

@Vanessa Michelle I never turned away from God, nor did I believe he/she turned away from me. It's like you stated that the current Christian Church doesn't really care for the LGBTQ people in their building as of yet. I was reading an article the other day that the Pope is still trying to move the needle with the Catholic Church. I will believe it when it happens, but I do give him credit for trying. https://www.washingtonpost.com/dc-md-va/2020/10/21/what-pope-franciss-comments-about-gay-families-could-mean-lgbtq-attitudes-worldwide/ 

I am really glad that you and your wife are pastors in your own church. I infer you are going to minister to the LGBTQ community as well as everyone else? I am 3 years into my journey and am getting my breast augmentation, and FFS in January 2021. Finally i will begin the process of aligning my body to my true self. It's wonderful to know you. 

 

Gina

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    • Ann W
      Those are both great stories to read.  I'm sharing in your happiness. 💜
    • VickySGV
      The Maronist Christian philosopher poet Ravindranath Tagore put it into just a couple of lines for us --   While God waits for God's temple to be built of love    Men bring stones!      
    • Vanessa Michelle
      OMG this is insane! 🥺
    • gina-nicole-t
      I feel that I am more of an Agnostic even though I grew up in a Christian home. I will elaborate on that. I had a class during my Bachelor's Degree called Logic and Critical Thinking and that was the best class I could ever have had. It was the class that had the biggest breakthrough on my life as a trans-woman and a person. The instructor showed us that a lot of our parents used "do as I say not as I do" logic on us as children. That was the ah-ha moment for me. My parents who were faithful members of the church used that on my for as long as I could remember, as well as being abusive to me.  This is the main reason that I have not been back to Church in a very long time. I cannot reconcile what they did as religious people, and the religion I was brought up in as their stance against me as transgender. Don't get me wrong I believe in God, and Jesus. I just don't believe that I have to attend any organized religion to worship them.  If there is a book chapter and verse that says I have to do that show me, because I don't believe it exists.  Warmest regards, Gina
    • TTheta
      This is really disheartening, may he find peace :((
    • TTheta
      Sorry I didn't see this sooner, OF COURSE WE CAN :DD
    • Vanessa Michelle
      @RachelSB I am here too unfortunately. I am turning 46 next week and have the George Costanza style, only much less and thinner hair Lol. It sucks. It actually was emotionally painful for me when I first started accepting myself as trans because I felt like a fraud and that I was not nor ever would be a real woman. I have since agreed with a message I received from @Jackie C. that it is fun trying new wigs and I have decided when the time comes I will choose to find the joy in my circumstances and I'm gonna rock whatever wig I get. You will too girl! ❤️
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      I really like this feature. As soon as I figured this out, I have been following the Introductions Forum for a while so I see each time a new person introduces themself because I think it is important to welcome them and I love seeing new members and reading their stores. Thx mods for having this feature available to us! ❤️
    • Vanessa Michelle
      @Samantha2020thank you so much for joining the group and for being so open about your struggles and your journey ❤️ I can identify with much of it as well. I really felt for you as I read it and I am so proud of you for taking the steps you have and for joining TP. Please feel free to reach out to us and to post as you need to as it does help to chat with others in this process. We also have a Christian channel on here if you are interested in chatting with others in our faith community there. Many of us grew up in the Church and have, just like you found out through trial and error, that God doesn't change our orientation and loves us exactly as we are. I'm so glad you have joined us and I look forward to talking with you more. ❤️
    • Vanessa Michelle
      Awesome! @MisterJaxI love seeing new members get involved and connecting with others like this. Again, welcome! ❤️
    • VickySGV
      Puerto Rico has not been treated well by the rest of the U.S. and struggling people who have been kicked around by those who should help them start looking for others to blame for their struggles, we know the blame is on the U.S. agencies who withheld economic and direct aid, but they can't kick mainland Federal agencies around, so it is the weakest who are the whipping boys and girls.
    • Vanessa Michelle
      @CD RachelHi! It's https://community.qchristian.org/ QCF is an affirming Christian organization of LGBTQ+ people and has its own forums site. I was told about it by a friend of mine who has volunteered for them before and also Kathy Baldock's and Matthew Vines's work (both Christians). If you join, I am on there by the same user name as here. I would love to connect to more believers here or there. I think it helps us in the process to see and hear others who love Jesus and are not straight and who also know he loves us so ridiculously much too! ❤️
    • Heather Nicole
      (I know I'm nerding myself out with this answer, and most won't get the reference, but...) Major Kusonagi has a way via advanced prosthetic shell, but you have to live in a futuristic cyberpunk fiction. Upside though, is you also get invisibility. I'm on the waiting list.   In other news...I've now joined the trans-ranks and decided that face masks are seriously awesome ...I was just at the grocery store earlier this evening, I wasn't even trying to pass, but I still got accidentally correctly-gendered!!! I guess my long wavy hair (definitely my favorite feature right now by far...heeehee), zircon earrings, overweight "moobs", and face mask covering up most of my beard must've been enough to tip the scales. Considering I've been feeling rather self-doubty/impostor syndrome this week, that surprise just absolutely made my day!   I was in the checkout line, nobody behind me, just one guy ahead of me but he had already paid and was putting his bags in his cart. As the cashier (a really adorable college-aged young gal) was scanning my items, another employee came by to start bagging my items. I guess the bagger must've gotten confused and started trying to hand my bags to the previous customer because as I was going through my wallet, I heard the cashier girl say "Oh, those are his"...but then she quickly stopped and corrected herself..."Er, I mean hers".   "Hers"??!?!?   There was nobody else around she could've been talking about except me. My heart just about leapt out of my chest and I was just on cloud nine all the way out to the car, like I'd just won the lottery or something. Of course, all of a sudden I couldn't bring myself to use my voice any more than absolutely necessary. Instant voice dysphoria, but you know what, in this case, I'll take it!   @ElizabethStar OMG, congrats so much on all that validation!!! 🎉  And also on your birthday, too! 🍰   I may be technically "out" to my mom, but I still haven't felt like I'm at a point yet where I'd feel right asking her to switch pronouns for me. So I can imagine just how special getting a card like must be. So happy for you!!!  
    • ElizabethStar
      It's too late for coffee but.......   For some reason I was compelled to check the mail today. Not surprising there was a birthday card from my mother. I just figured it was the normal everyday card but it wasn't. The first word I read, in a big scripted font was "Daughter". Right there in front of me, a card from my mother, to her daughter. Honestly I didn't really know if my mother would ever truly accept me. Now...I do. I really wanted to cry (not in front of the wife) but I will cherish that card forever.   Before dinner I found myself out getting lottery tickets. The jackpot is somewhere around 6-700mil. The ATM is broken at the first store I went to (closest to my house) and won't let you pay for 'em with a debt card. A random customer piped-up and suggested where I could go. I headed out. The cashier there was extremely friendly, very helpful and kind of cute. When I was checking out he looked at me, in a sweet little voice, said "I know *****'s no your name, what is it? I just replied "Elizabeth". He then tells me what beautiful name I have. After he said that I did hear anything else. Holy crap! Did I just get hit on? or was he just flirting with me? When I told my wife she used what is becoming her standard reply, "This is what you asked for". What I asked for? Yeah...well, we'll talk about that at a later time. If it's what she has to do to settle with my transition so be it.   After dinner I got another happy surprise. For kicks I checked my work email. There was a message from HR. He asked me if I wanted my new insurance and benefits cards to have Elizabeth on them. We can do that? I'd love that. There have been a few things getting to me lately and I needed some love.
    • JustineM
      Well I’m sitting here trying not to ugly cry. The calls to my Dad and brother went amazingly well. My brother said it didn’t bother him and he was glad I was taking steps to be happy. Dad almost immediately offered to help cover therapy and HRT med costs. Said he loved me and that would never change. He did say that he wouldn’t stop calling me his son, though given his age and the way he was raised I didn’t really expect him too. 
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