Overcoming anxiety about passing in the future

[Audrey]

Hi everyone,

I'm pretty new to the forums and early in my transition. One of the things I'm struggling with a lot with right now is the fear of not being able to pass in the future the way I hope to. I'm sure this a familiar feeling for many of you here, and I would love some guidance and support around this issue. I'm grateful I have friends and professionals to confide in as well.

One thing i am doing is saying positive affirmations to myself about things that I am thankful and fortunate for during my transition - like having a full head of hair at my age and having small breasts already at the start of hormone therapy. That helps to soothe my fears around passing somewhat, like having a deep voice - that's my biggest worry, as I work in a profession where my voice is my main tool. I imagine I will see myself differently as my transition progresses and my body becomes more in line with my identity and my confidence grows.

Thank you in advance for your kindness,

Love,

~Audrey.

[VickySGV]

I just updated my profile picture today and it shows the real me of just a month or two ago.  I don't fully go for the before and after shot thing, but you will grow into your new self over time. I have been out for 12 years.  I am simply me by now and those who knew me have changed along with me in many ways and they see nothing strange about me.

As for the voice thing, I am involved with a group of 40+ Trans people who sing as a chorus out on my coast and our voices do not always perfectly match the gender we prefer to live in.  Some of our deep Baritones are cute younger women, and we have had Trans Men drop from High Tenor or Alto to the deepest Baritone.  Male to Female voices do not do that, but you will do fine I am sure.

[Jani]

3 hours ago, Audrey said:

saying positive affirmations to myself about things that I am thankful and fortunate for during my transition

This is great.  One of the best "passing" tools is confidence.  Feeling good about yourself is a positive move.  Keep going.  

[Elizabeth Star]

I agree self confidence is your best tool. The positive attitude helps a lot too. I know how the voice thing is. I'm on the phone all day, most days. At least once a day I have a customer ask me to repeat my name or ask if I really said Elizabeth. I know it's my voice that does it. I just confirm my name and go on with my day. I am who I am. As far as the future and passing in public? Especially when the time of face masks is a memory. I already have some confidence but will have more than enough to pass all the time.

[Elizabeth Star]

@VickySGVI like the new picture. It was too hard for me to see anything in the old one.

[Lexi C]

A. Vicky LOVE I MEAN LOVE the new pic Elisabeth is right about the old one.

 

B. Confidence is key, but its easier said then done...I will go  weeks with little to none and all kind of thoughts will pop into my head. So you need to practice  it.

 

C. Audrey you are two steps ahead of the game

1. you have hair BIG PLUS,

2. you have a job which hopefully has a good HC so ask about Vocal therapy its covered under trans care

[Audrey]

Thank you everyone for your kind replies! I'm striving to keep the most optimistic mental outlook that I can when it comes to passing in the future. Early on in my transition, it's pretty hard to look in the mirror and imagine the transformation because it's still abstract. It's so much easier to see flaws and dwell on them rather than see strengths and celebrate them. On the other hand, I have found tremendous joy in accepting myself after years of hiding and even resisting it, and even more joy in coming out to two close friends who are turning into incredible allies.

 

@Lexi C I have looked pretty deeply into the employer health insurance. The good news is that there's coverage in terms of hormone therapy, mental health, and bottom surgery. The bad news is that the underwriters were deliberate to exclude many areas of medical transitioning that are major sources of dysphoria for me and many others, like voice therapy / surgery, hair removal, facial feminization, and so on. I feel like there's some advocacy efforts to be made there - the perception seems to be that gender dysphoria is mostly about genitalia, when in fact it's far more nuanced than that.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Bri2020]

17 hours ago, Audrey said:

imagine I will see myself differently as my transition progresses and my body becomes more in line with my identity and my confidence grows.

Thank you in advance for your kindness,

Love,

~Audrey.

Yes.  I've been socially transitioning for 6 months and HRT for 3 and I can tell you I was worried about being "outed" all the time in the beginning but as I've slowly become more accustomed to being "me" I don't worry about what others see as much.  I've made a lot of progress in this regard because of all the positive experiences I've had and so few negative ones.  I'm blessed in that regard.  SUrround yourself with support and you will gain more and more confidence which in turn will make you being you more natural and free.

[Lexi C]

huh..If you can switch or some how did a Medical not Medicare sub they will cover. Also check in with LBGT center in the city..THEY WILL DEF help you out with the HC. Those ALL such be cover. 

Be safe, BE Proud and KICK ASS

[Audrey]

Thanks @Lexi C... the employer sponsored plan is actually pretty good except that's really regressive when it comes to covering gender-affirming treatments. Secondary insurance may be a good option for me, and I'm working with someone who might be able to give some guidance on that. Even buying it might save money in the long run, if this sort of thing is possible (not really sure).

 

Also thanks @Bri2020... your story fills me with hope! it really helps to know that my super high anxiety can improve especially in these challenging early months of transition. I feel like the anticipation is worse than the reality, sort of like my fear of flying (pre COVID-19, that is).

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Bri2020]

On 12/2/2020 at 6:55 PM, Audrey said:

Thanks @Lexi C... the employer sponsored plan is actually pretty good except that's really regressive when it comes to covering gender-affirming treatments. Secondary insurance may be a good option for me, and I'm working with someone who might be able to give some guidance on that. Even buying it might save money in the long run, if this sort of thing is possible (not really sure).

 

It is so state dependent. Depending on your job situation and your plans you may want to consider changing employers to one that offers coverage.  Here's a list from 2019 that offered at least one procedure. https://www.thehrcfoundation.org/professional-resources/corporate-equality-index-list-of-businesses-with-transgender-inclusive-health-insurance-benefits

You would have to ask for a copy of their insurance coverage once a job is offered to see specifics.  Generally if you buy your own it can cover procedures but may depend on specific plan you buy.  I buy my own since i'm an independent biz owner and at 55 years old pay about $7500 a year for the best plan offered by Kaiser. They cover EVERYTHING including some electrolysis.  That's a steal compared to what everything would cost out of pocket. I'm also lucky that I'm in a position in life to be able to afford that.  Unfortunately they aren't in NY.  If you could find a job that offers telework and is based in a trans-friendly state like the whole west coast, Colorado or the Maryland/VA/DC then the employer policy would be based out of those states and most like offer coverage.  Honestly, If I were a younger person without ties to a physical location and wanting to medically transition I would move to Colorado or the west coast and work any job I could just to facilitate the 2-3 years of medical coverage.  

 

[Bri2020]

On 12/2/2020 at 3:40 AM, Audrey said:

deliberate to exclude many areas of medical transitioning that are major sources of dysphoria for me and many others, like voice therapy / surgery, hair removal, facial feminization, and so on. I feel like there's some advocacy efforts to be made there - the perception seems to be that gender dysphoria is mostly about genitalia, when in fact it's far more nuanced than that.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

Kaiser Permanente covers all of that (unless you are on the Obama Care plan)

[Audrey]

Thanks so much for your reply @Bri2020. I have an appointment next week with someone who's probably pretty knowledgeable about health insurance and such, and I'll make it a point to explore what my options might be in NY. I'm quite sure I want FFS and I've already started electrolysis so I will need to find something before it breaks the bank. Regrettably I'm a little tied to where I am right now, but fortunately NY is a friendlier state to live in and the resources in the City are outstanding. And thank goodness gender dysphoria can't be called a pre-existing condition.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Lexi C]

Good Lucky

Audrey.

[Rorelai]

@Audrey something I've noticed as I've continued my transition is that even without going through voice therapy it's still possible to have a feminine voice. I still have a relatively deep voice so sometimes I do get misgendered over the phone as a result, but over the years I've picked up a more "womanly" way of speaking and by no means do I think I sound like a man. The phrases you use and the inflection of your voice play just as much of a role in sounding feminine as actually changing the pitch of your voice. 

[Audrey]

@Rorelai Thank you for this! I have enjoyed a little success getting a "ma'am" or "miss" on the phone with complete strangers, which is hugely affirming when it happens, but it's still a rarity and I'm convinced it sounds more falsetto than genuine (but maybe not?). I definitely want to improve my speaking voice and sound more feminine without surgery, especially in my line of work where I'm talking all the time. I'll probably opt for some voice therapy to get the best handle on where I can focus my efforts, and how to be mindful of any masculine mannerisms that are beyond my awareness.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Astrid]

5 hours ago, Rorelai said:

The phrases you use and the inflection of your voice play just as much of a role in sounding feminine as actually changing the pitch of your voice. 

 

Yes! That's in line with what I've read, as well. For example, the upper range of a male voice (F3, the F below middle C on the piano) overlaps with the lower range of a female voice -- also F3.   Of course, only a certain percentage of male voices fall naturally at the upper range, so for most MTFs there is a goal of raising the pitch, but it's not as dramatic a pitch change as one might think.

[Jackie C.]

Yeah, getting a female tone has a lot more to do with vocal resonance, mannerisms and a little softening. I speak about a note below female average (about 230 Mhz... now). The vocal mannerisms were mostly easy to do because I did them already. Learning not to drop pitch at the end of every sentence was hard, but I got it eventually.

For example: Men speak in a monotone, the changes in pitch are very slight. I... didn't. I bounce up and down all over my range. Always have.

 

Basically, I regained the speaking voice I had before puberty started. If you need to go higher than that, there are surgical options but they're generally not compatible with a tracheal shave so you need to pick which one is more important to you if you go that route.

 

Hugs!