Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

My First Attempt at Therapy. Anyone Care to Share Yours?


Guest

Recommended Posts

It's difficult for me to recall how long ago this was. I must have been in my early to mid 50's. I'm now 72. So... 20 years ago give or take a couple of years? I had never done therapy of any kind. (I was brought up with the notion you don't air your dirty laundry in public. The lesson stuck.) Around the age of 50 I was diagnosed with prostate cancer & ended up undergoing a radical prostatectomy. This was a very strange time for me. Because, on the one hand, I was about to lose / did lose something at least one part of me didn't want to begin with. But I also knew there was the potential I would become impotent & incontinent. On the positive side, though, the cancer was caught at an early stage and I was able to avoid radiation or chemo therapy.

 

This was the starting point of my downward spiral into overt mental illness. (Prior to this I had always managed to keep the cork in the bottle, so to speak.) Anyway... without going into a lot of detail... it came to pass that I finally decided to see a therapist. And one of the things I knew I wanted to discuss was my life-long struggle with gender dysphoria (not that I was aware of the term, or the terms transgender or transsexual either, at that point in my life. All I could say was I had always thought I wanted to be a girl. [Yikes!]) And so after some not inconsiderable wrangling with my health insurer at the time I was finally able to make arrangements to see one of their psychologists (a Ph.D. none-the-less)! I knew, going into this, I'd be too embarrassed to meet with my new therapist & simply blurt out that all my life I thought I should have been a girl! But I also didn't want to beat around the bush. So I decided I'd write a letter and get it to the therapist prior to my appointment so he'd know, going in, what I wanted to discuss. This is what I did.

 

The day and time of my appointment soon arrived, my new therapist came out to the waiting room of the clinic to fetch me, and we walked back to his office where we, of course, sat down. He asked me why I had come in. I mentioned the letter. He then began flipping through the files in the file drawer of his desk and after a bit of digging pulled out my letter... unopened. He thereupon proceeded to open the envelop & read what I had written while I sat there feeling foolish & no doubt red-faced. Upon finishing my letter he looked up and said: "Oh... I just heard about this." (Great!) I don't recall anything that was said beyond that. But, at the end of the appointment, the therapist walked me back out to the waiting area. And, as we walked, he suddenly said: So which one would you rather be male or female? Taken aback, I think I said something to the effect that I wouldn't care. I just wished I didn't feel like both. (Later on it occurred to me I should have also added: "and neither at the same time".) I saw this therapist a few more times. But it quickly became clear nothing was going to come of it. So at what would end up being my last appointment I told him I was sure there were other clients who needed his services more than I did. And that was that. A few weeks later I made my first major suicide attempt which landed me in the psych ward of a local medical center.

 

Since then I've tried seeing a few other therapists mostly to no avail. The last therapist I saw (following my second major suicide attempt) was actually someone who was experienced in working with transgender clients. Talking with her about things I had kept hidden my entire life was a great comfort. But I knew I had to maintain my male role (the therapist talked with my wife at one point who said she could not / would not tolerate my transition.) So my therapy appointments felt more like talking things over with a close friend rather than actual therapy. And, after a half dozen or so appointments I quit one day when I was in a rage over something that had nothing to do with gender dysphoria or therapy. (I've always had a tendency to throw the baby out with the bathwater as the saying goes.) And that was the end of that... as this is the end of my story. That first attempt at therapy was frustrating at the time. But I can chuckle about it now.  I have no plans to try therapy again. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I went to a therapist already knowing who I was and what I wanted.  So when she asked why I was there, I said I was pretty sure I was transgender, and I wanted a hormone readiness letter.  We talked for an hour, enough for her to understand my history and verify that I wasn't making up my gender dysphoria.  Then she said, "Don't worry, you'll get your letter."

 

We did a couple more sessions to cover the necessary informed consent stuff, and that was it.  At the end of three sessions, she referred me to a clinic that does HRT, and that was that.

 

A year or so later, I saw another therapist to get one of my surgery letters.  Same deal: here's who I am, here's what I want.  I could have gotten away with one session, but I scheduled another to talk about which surgery I wanted, just to make sure I was clear in my own mind about my needs and wants.

Link to comment

My first experience of therapy was quite peculiar, mostly because I was in junior high school I am pretty sure. The therapist was an older man and the office was right on a boardwalk and a train, it was a really nice setting. But I just didn't connect with him. So we played board games, and he got the same treatment I give everyone, I really am an open book but there are still few things that I share with only trusted people. We played a lot of monopoly and checkers and he always told me he was impressed with my skills, because in each game I planned every move, even if he was taking it easy on me, I would never know, I still had backup plan after back up plan. I was sent to a therapist after my parents found out I was harming myself, I am not going to go into depth about that because of TW, but not only did we move, but my parents saw that it really wasn't helping anything, this was also the time I was beginning to learn about being trans but I was WAY in the closet.

A few years later in uhh, I think either sophomore or junior year or in-between, I began to see a new therapist, at this time we have also just moved, but I was set on being Aidan, I came out my sophomore year of school and my family didn't take it well so it led to bad bad stuff, also won't go into depth because TW but the therapist was pretty cool and she really cared and I could tell. I really liked her as a therapist but it just didn't click. She gave me a "therapy sketchbook" and my parents didn't like that.

Then I got a third therapist and she was the one, she has ADHD like me and really understood and I spilled everything. My parents took me out of therapy when they figured out I was talking about my gender, and I am pretty sure my parents were looking for conversion therapy for me. But this last therapist I had was amazing, she held me accountable, and knew how to keep me on track, she could read me like a book and it felt like she actually cared about me as a person, she felt like a friend, and not just a therapist. She wasn't talking to me because it was her job. I am an emotionally stained kid, but I have hope for the future. 

I do plan on seeking a gender therapist when I move, and I am only a few months from being 18 and making decisions for myself :)) 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Mine was less dramatic. I signed up with an online service that connected me to a therapist. While she's not a gender therapist specifically, she's an ally and familiar with our issues. I'm not her only transgender client. I am her (currently) longest-running continuous client.

 

Basically, back in 2018, my egg cracked. I started turning all my repressed thoughts into action. I'm a jump in feet-first kind of gal. Looking around on the internet, I came on the WPATH guidelines and realized having a therapist was probably a good idea. I went online because why not? I'm not a huge fan of driving and if I could do my therapy appointments remotely, all the better. I can talk to someone over video just as easily as I could in person.

 

After that I contacted the transgender program at UofM and they set me up with my first gender therapist. Later, they set me up with my second so I could get my letters of recommendation for GCS. They've all been lovely people and I've come a long way turning my self-loathing into self-love.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
1 hour ago, Aidan5 said:

We played a lot of monopoly and checkers

 

Monopoly? That MONSTER!

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

 

Monopoly? That MONSTER!

 

Hugs!

Pfft- I think I was the monster there because I DESTROYED. he went bankrupt. I am slightly competitive haha! 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I searched for gender therapist at Psychology Today and found one real close.  I called and left a message (yes I was nervous).  When she called back I was surprised (I don't know why) and told her I need to speak about my gender.  My first appointment was as the then current me in guy mode although she asked if I was wearing womens clothing.  I wasn't.  I just wore tailored jeans and pastel shirts.  We talked for a little over an hour but it was over in a flash.  I left walking on air.  Being that she specialized in gender studies I was in the right place.  She was about my age too and we connected on several levels.  Had I not been a patient she is someone I would have liked as a friend.  She later admitted the same.  We spoke of many things over the three years I saw her, some unrelated to gender but definitely worthwhile.  A good therapist is a good ally. 

 

Link to comment

I don't even remember my first visit that was actually for me. I was very young and my parents were working on their sham of a marriage. I guess someone thought I needed therapy too despite the fact that I never thought anything was wrong. Maybe it was my lack of caring that bothered them or maybe the fact that I just didn't seem to fit in with the other children. I was clueless and I honestly don't remember anything the therapist even suggested. It was easy enough to blame all of my social difficulties on my parents failing marriage (and later my father for not being around) rather than the actual problem of the way I was being raised by my mother.

I would be in and out of therapy many times after that. Every single time I was the problem and my abusive mother was victim just trying her best with her out of control child. I never drank or did drugs, never snuck out, or did any number of other things most of teens did. I literally just stayed home and hid in my room because that was all I was allowed to do. Every single session was long and boring and at times just painful. I hated it and I hate being made to talk only for the therapist to tell my mother and her to spend the next however many days punishing me for it.

I got ONE therapist who saw my situation for what it really was. I saw them ONCE and never again. I had no voice in anything. All the therapy was for her to cry about all her problems and to attempt to force me into being her perfect daughter. I was constantly made to feel stupid and crazy. It's done so much damage that I struggle to tell my partners things that shouldn't be hard to say to people that I know love me and I can trust.

I know lots of people find therapy helpful and there are good therapists, but it's just not for me.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 221 Guests (See full list)

    • Astrid
    • Pip
    • Ivy
    • VickySGV
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.8k
    • Total Posts
      770k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,091
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Layla Marie hay
    Newest Member
    Layla Marie hay
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Britton
      Britton
      (53 years old)
    2. chipped_teeth
      chipped_teeth
    3. james-m
      james-m
    4. jenny75
      jenny75
      (34 years old)
    5. KASS13
      KASS13
  • Posts

    • Ivy
      I understand your feelings. I have the same fears.  NC has made a swing to the right as well, and I'm not optimistic.  I want to tell myself I'm over reacting.  But seeing what these people are  saying, and doing when they do get into power can't be dismissed.  It's proof of what they will do if they take over the federal government. I'm getting kinda old now anyway.  It took me over 60 years to get here, and I'm not going back.  I suppose they can revert my gender markers, but I will still be legally Ivy.  And I have every intention of dying as Ivy Anna.  If I can't find my hormones somehow, I'll do without.  The physical changes I do have are permanent.   Trans people have always existed.
    • Willow
      @KymmieL I think we all have had to deal with a person who would not apologize when they were wrong no matter what.  In my case it was my MIL. Actually called me a lier I front of my wife.  Even when she realized she was wrong she wouldn’t admit it to my wife, nor would she apologize to my wife for any of the things she later admitted she had done that affected my wife.  I had a boss that accused me of saying things I did not say in a manner I did not use.  Even another employee told him that I had not said the things nor used the words but he still refused to back down.     Unfortunately, all too many people in this world believe they are always right no matter what.  Some are very famous.  lol   Willow    
    • KatieSC
      I wish I could cope as well as others. I feel very defeated in that all of the consideration, and then treatment to transition, could all be wiped out by this time next year with the united effort by the R party to eradicate all that is transgender. I fear that the national election could turn out to our detriment, and we will face a national push to eradicate us. Tracking us down will not be that hard to do. Once they know who we are, forcing the legislation to reverse our name changes, gender marker changes, and other records, will not be that hard. We saw an example when the AG in Texas was data mining the driver licenses for those who had gender marker changes. Who will we appeal to? The Supreme R Court? We would have an easier time trying to convince a Russian court.    We need to get out and vote in November. There is not enough Ben & Jerry's to improve my outlook on all of this. In some ways it is a cruel thing in a way. In the early 1930s, Germany was working hard to hunt down the LGBTQ population and eradicate it. Now Germany has better protections there than we have in many of our own states. About 90 years ago, Germany was seeing the rise of their very own dictator...Now the US is on the verge...Oh never mind. What a difference 90 years makes...    History may repeat itself, but sometimes it shifts the focus a little...
    • Nonexistent
      I have the same problem as you, my face is the main reason why I get misgendered I'm pretty sure. I think it's mostly up to genetics how your face will look (T can help, but still genetics will determine how you end up). You can't change your facial structure really, you can get facial masculinization surgery but it's expensive so not an option for most unless you're rich lol.    Experimentally (I haven't done it but want to), you could see if any plastic surgeons around you will give you Kybella in your cheeks. It is an injection that removes fat, and is usually used underneath the chin/on the neck below the jawline, but some may use it off-label on the face. The only potential problem with this is that if your face would naturally thin out at an older age, it could thin out extra and make you look older (though I'm not certain on this). Another option is to get filler in your jaw/chin, which would make your jawline look more square and your face more masculine. I want jaw filler but I'm poor lol, it only lasts one year up to a few years depending on what kind you get, so it would have to be done every so often and can get expensive. I did get chin filler once, only 2 small vials so it didn't make that big of a difference. I would recommend going for the jaw if you can only choose 1, I wish I had done that.   Those are the only options I know of that will bring legitimate noticeable changes.
    • April Marie
      Welcome to the forums, Blake!! We are happy that you found us!!
    • Mmindy
      Good evening Blake.   Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums.   Best wishes, stay positive and motivated.   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Nonexistent
      Thank you.    Trans men and trans women each have their own struggles for sure, but I agree, it can be a hard time to be a non-passing trans guy. There is no specific "man clothes" that only men wear. People could just think I'm butch (which sucks to think about, if people think I'm a lesbian when I'm a dude!!). I mean I would feel better if I got gendered correctly even if I don't fully pass, it would maybe raise my confidence to think maybe I do pass well lol! Instead I'm just reminded I don't.   Though I may just focus on the times I don't pass and ignore the times that I do. Because I rarely remember getting gendered correctly, but I hone in on the times that I don't. 
    • Nonexistent
      Thank you, I'm glad to be here. :)   I have been in therapy for 9 years but still can't seem to accept myself. I think it has to do with growing up trans in a world that hates us, especially in the south. I mean I was discriminated against by adults and ostracized as a kid/teen due to being trans. My family is accepting, but the rest of the world is not. I realize now a lot of people are accepting (even unexpectedly, like my partner's conservative republican Trump-loving parents lol), but it feels like my brain is still in survival mode every time I exit the door. I am a very fearful person.   My body still may change over time, but it feels like I haven't met the same 'quota' (don't know the right word) that a majority of other trans guys have on far less time on T. Most trans guys pass easily 1-3yrs on T, I'm double that and still don't pass well except my voice.
    • Nonexistent
      Thank you. I am just used to seeing trans guys who pass at like... 6 months to 1 year, at the most 3 years. And I just don't meet the mark, all the way at 6 years. It is possible with time I will masculinize more, but it's frustrating when I'm "behind" and may never catch up. It threatens my mental health mostly, possibly my physical health if I'm visibly trans (though I don't ever go out alone). 
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boss is happy with everything with me and said I will be the only one that works on one customer's truck.This customer saw me clean a small grease spot in the inter of his Kenworh last week,on the steering wheel.A new customer too,saw me walk out with my tub o' towels wiping that grease stain off.This one,he cannot stand a grease spot in the interior.
    • Nonexistent
      Yeah, I am grieving the man I "should" have been. He will never exist, especially not in my youth. But I don't know how to healthily go about it instead of fixating on the life that could have been.
    • EasyE
    • VickySGV
      Going to the conventions has been one of my ways to deal with this stuff. 
    • Nonexistent
      Sorry it took me a while to respond!    I would like to get to know you. :) I only have mental disabilities. Schizoaffective disorder, depression, and anxiety. The last two are severe and very treatment-resistant. I did have physical problems for some time, but it was caused by an antipsychotic medication (Invega). It basically crippled me, muscle weakness/fatigue, basically could barely walk (used mobility devices) and doctors were useless since they didn't suspect the medication I was on! I've finally ditched antipsychotics (hopefully for good, unless my symptoms come back). I usually don't share like this, especially in person, but hey, I'm anonymous. :)   I'm not expecting reciprocation at all btw, these things are personal. There is more to us than disabilities, so tell me about yourself if you still wanna talk!
    • EasyE
      thanks for the insight ... good to know things are being well thought-out ... it is no easy topic for sure, as many of us on here have been wrestling with this stuff for years and decades...
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...