PeterB

[Peter]

Hiya, I am sorry to say i am firmly in the closet and intend to stay that way. I have children (4 age 22-12) who are going through a lot rn with their dad soon to be dying of cancer. 

I am awkening to realise that my true self is male. Its been a long time coming, when i first went to school a boy in the class went home and told his mum there was a boy called Angela in the class. At about age 10 i remember thinking to myself that it was going to be very hard to be a man when i was clearly going to grow into a woman, and also that men have to do all the work while women get t stay at home (oops ha). So at that point I resigned myself to living the hand i was dealt. 

It wasnt hard because i am and was always attracted to men. 

I have however been pretty obviously a tomboy. And I have always hidden a pretty deep and rather dangerous unhappiness.

I just am struggling to cope. 6 months ago i tried a short haircut, boyfriend didnt appreciate it. Im alone at home now and have tried packing for the first time. I feel i made a mistake all those years ago. 

But I cant do anything now. I am stuck. It sucks a bit. Esp when i feel dark thoughts because my kids seriously really need me to be their normal mum. 

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Peter.  Welcome!

 

Congratulations on figuring yourself out.  What you choose to do or not do about it is totally your decision, and we will respect it.  You will have support here regardless.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[DonkeySocks]

Greetings, Peter. I'm sorry to hear about the loss your family is going through. Thank you for joining us here!

[Guest]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Peter. I'm so sorry for your struggle. I myself am an old man who has struggled with his gender identity his whole life. I've also hidden my own deep and dangerous unhappiness. And like you (except with one unfortunate exception) I am, and have always been, firmly in the closet.

 

At the end of your post, you wrote you can't do anything now, and it sucks. (I can relate to that.) But perhaps there is hope for the future? Under any circumstances, I trust you will find support here on TP. It may be only on-line. But simply having a group of people you can turn to who have had similar struggles can be a great comfort. Best wishes... 

[TTheta]

Cancer is really hard on the family, I have experience with family death from cancer and I know the ties it can have with transition sometimes, I have a hard time trying to transition because I will never be able to tell my mom and I will know what she thinks, but something that has really helped is, if she really loved me, she would be happy with whoever I chose to be. I really think this would apply to all of your family members, of course they may be a little confused, but who says you can't be just a great as a dad? There are single dads too and they are capable of raising healthy kids, of course the death is going to impact everyone in your family, but cancer is a cruel wild card. There is always hope, so what we do is hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Like said above, whatever you choose is up to you and we will be here to support you :)) 

 

If you feel like your children cannot handle that, there is always the option of not outing yourself until you feel they are ready, but kids will surprise you with their open mindedness sometimes :))  You can be male here on this forum if you wish to as well!! This site really confirmed my feelings when I was not so sure about my name and pronouns since no one really in my house would even try so I didn't have that reference whether I liked it or not, or if it clicked. But I find that I really like it and it's amazing :)) 

 

The feeling stuck is something I relate to, but one day there will be freedom, and it will feel 10x better :)) 

 

We are here to support you! :DD

[TTheta]

Also, welcome to the forum Peter!! :DD

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Peter said:

Hiya, I am sorry to say i am firmly in the closet and intend to stay that way.

Hi Peter!  nice to meet you, and Welcome!
I am so sorry to hear of your struggles and challenges with your gender dysphoria, but also having to balance the needs of your family.  For many of us, this is a constant trade of our happiness and progress versus feeling the need to protect others.

I think you will find many Members here in the Forum who share similar stories and challenges (myself included) and I hope that is a source of strength and community for you.

I also hope you have access/opportunity to see a gender therapist.  With everything your are juggling right now, its very beneficial to have a professional in your corner.  And while your struggles and choices are real, I am sure one thing a good therapist will emphasize is that what your family needs most is a happy and balanced parent .. You!  Sometimes we need to take care of ourselves, to be able to take care of others.

Hoping the best for you❣️   Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Peter,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[Charlize]

Welcome Peter.  There is a great Philosopher named Kermit the Frog who said:  "It isn't easy being green".  He may have been a puppet frog but as a trans person i know the truth of that statement.  I stayed closeted much of my life.  Perhaps that helped others.  I hope so.  At the same time i am grateful for the help and understanding i found here and in therapy. Just knowing i wasn't alone helped me find a path to a life of self acceptance.

 

 Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

Hello Peter and welcome.  I'm sorry to read of your family's troubles and I wish the best for all. 

 

Please join in the conversation here as you can.  We are a kind and caring group.

 

Jani