Being trans and having autism

[A. Dillon]

I don't want to jump to conclusions or act like a medical professional, but based upon all the information I have read about the condition, talks with my therapist and psychologist, and well as corroboration from my sister, I have autism. It sucks. I am this rational, calm, by all accounts logical human being trapped by a wall of insane emotions. I go from fine to optimistic to inconsolably depressed within a single day. I know that what I say and express to the people around me seem like the ramblings of a crazy person, but try as I may I can't stop it. No one understands when I try to explain it either. They just assume that I am doing it on purpose, trying to make them mad. I can't see a way out a lot of the time. This is not to say that I am always suicidal. No, sometimes I could not be happier. But it is empty.

 

My emotions don't feel like my own. What I actually think and care about are here, while my mood is                                                                                                                over there. I am asked all the time why I have said or done something, but I have no clue. This clashes with me being trans because my brain will go off on tirades about my dysphoria. It feels as though I am being tortured. Nothing can be just let go, if I have a bad or painful memory it will be triggered every day like clockwork. It is like I am sinking into ice water - I am completely numb and yet in horrible pain.

 

I have spent so much of my life trying to overcome my failures. No one in my family ever saw signs of autism, because I was so good at hiding and am cognitively sound. As far as my parents were concerned, if I got A's nothing could be wrong. I don't even know what to do anymore, but I am sitting here on the brink of tears for reasons beyond my comprehension unable to do anything but type. Can anyone relate at all?

[Audrey]

Dear @A. Dillon, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a challenging time emotionally. I hope getting some of your thoughts and feelings out through writing has given you some release of all that energy that's built up inside of you. While I can't relate what the experience of being autistic, I do very much relate to having strong and fluctuating emotions about my identity and how I express myself. You're right though, it can be challenging for others who don't share that with us to understand where we're coming from and especially if we're not sure ourselves. I'm so glad you have such supportive relationships with your therapist and psychologist who can both help you in talking about your identity and do so with a sensitivity towards your unique situation.

Always know that you're not alone on this path, there is much love and support for you here during this difficult time.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[A. Dillon]

Thank you. I signed up for a support group for people with autism that runs every Tuesday, which makes me feel a bit more hopeful. While my parents don't understand and are often fairly oblivious, my mom is trying to listen. For now I am just going to try and relax. The last thing I need is more stress.

 

Again, thank you. Even just getting one reply, one comment helps a lot when I am on edge.

[Audrey]

You're most welcome! I'm happy to hear you've found a support group, and I hope that connecting with the other members and the group leader will give you a space to share your experience in a safe and judgment-free way and to hear from others like you. Also I'm glad that your mother is making the effort to listen and support you with what you're going through right now.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Wanda Full]

Hi A.Dillon: As an Autistic person, I understand some of the many facets of the affliction, condition, disease? I don't know what it's called exactly, but I do know the very different faces of Autism. It runs in families, it's hereditary, popping up when least expected, it is hard to diagnose, and when I was born, it wasn't even identified, so my childhood was very confusing. Luckily, nowadays doctors have a handle on it. You should go see a doctor who can test and identify where you are on the spectrum to determine the best course of treatment for you (not your sister). My son, who is more autistic than me was teaching college courses when he was 12, and is quite accomplished in his life. We all can be. We must identify our specific strengths and capitalize on them. Some call it their superpower, you must identify and use your superpower for the greater good.

Hugs, Wanda