Transitioning later?

[Confused202]

Hi All!

 

Its been some time since I was last here. I guess I should preface this. I am in my mid 30s. Married to my wonderful husband and together we have 3 kids. 

 

I have been questioning who I am for probably 5 or more years now. I am no closer to an answer. 

 

I do have gender dysphoria...I hate my chest! I envy my husband's flat furry chest. And I definitely feel as though a huge part of me is missing without facial hair and my nether region.

 

Gender euphoria happens when I think of myself as a man. I can see myself as a man and in a loving gay relationship with my husband (for context a few years ago we discussed my gender confusion and he expressed hes Bisexual and my gender is not a make or.break for him....) we discussed in length about a possibility of my transitioning. How hed feel having a husband. I told him I'd definitely have a full beard as this is how.i feel I should be. He was totally cool with it....

 

Then I got pregnant and we stopped talking about it....for all intents purposes I went back in the closet and its as if we didn't have the conversations. I get super shy and scared to bring it up anymore.

 

Has anyone dealt with this?? Specifically people that were once in a seemingly straight relationship...with kids...and transitioned? I have anxiety. What if I'm not really trans? What if my kids can't deal with it. What if I'm making it all up. I cant find anything similar about a ftm person transitioning after being married to a man and having kids. I know they're out there but I'm struggling. 

 

Any help.is appreciated. Thanks sooooo much!

[Gabriel]

Hi @Confused202 welcome back to the forums!

 

Yes, we are definitely out there. Maybe you won't find someone with your exact story, but many kind people who can relate to parts of it.

 

I am 46 now, FtM, I have two teenage sons and began questioning my gender only about two years ago. I totally get the confusion, doubts, fear and... did I say confusion? that comes with questioning later in life. Also I'm atracted to men, I've always been atracted to man and definitely still am. I am socially transitioning now. I'm out to my kids, my closest family and friends. They have been wonderfully accepting.

 

So you are not alone. I'm so glad you have a loving and accepting husband with you. I understand that after not talking about it for a while it is scary to bring up the big trans elephant in the room. But honesty and openness can only bring both of you closer, even if means a slight shock at the beginning.

 

That doesn't mean you need to know 100% sure, you don't need to know what you are going to do yet. This is about taking one step at a time and seeing how it feels. If you can do that openly because you have been open with your husband that would probably take a lot of pressure out of you. But only you can know if that is true for you.

 

That said, you only need to do what you feel ready for. We are here to listen to you and answer with our experiences and stories.

 

Looking forward to hearing more about you

Gabriel

 

[Confused202]

@Gabrielhello!!! It's so good to to hear from you!!! How did your teenage boys take the news? Can I ask a very personal question? How did you tell them? I'm not even sure what I would say to my kids. 

 

I know i should be able to just come out with it again, but it's almost as I've gone back in the closet with my husband. One time, about a year ago, he made comment about how he believed I made it up because I never talked about it or did anything. I think he thinks I should either be all in or all out. And I love him for it. But its not as simple as that. My brain isn't always all in. There are times....months even that gender doesn't bother me in the slightest and I just live. I think that's how the trans issue got pushed back. I didn't have the extreme dysphoria for quite a long time...and therefore it wasn't taking up every thought every day and we didn't discuss it. Time went on, I let my hair grow back out, and here I am now 18 months later ready to essentially try to re-come out as trans with my husband. Get the nerve to re-cut my hair. 

 

I think he knows how I feel. I can feel the change in me. I feel....different when the feelings are at the front of my mind. I can't explain it. I don't even know how to begin. But I know I act differently. Its like I'm more me. Does that make any sense at all? Sorry for the long response.

 

 

[Gabriel]

9 hours ago, Confused202 said:

I think he thinks I should either be all in or all out

 

Well, that's a feeling that share not only those who haven't gone through dysphoria or questioning their gender, but also those of us that actually begin questioning later in life. It comes from the misconception (fueled by mainstream narrative) that trans are those who always knew and never had a doubt about it. That's a catch I myself have fallen for "If I really were trans, I'd always had know and wouldn't have any doubt". Well, turns out that 's not how it works. Doubts, confusion, going forward-back-forward again is a experience that many in this forum can share. I do. It doesn't make it any less real. Probably the opposite. If it comes back it's because it is always there, awaiting its turn in your life.

 

Your feelings and your questioning are totally valid. No need to rush nor latch onto a label. This is about you finding yourself. If you have not done it yet, talking to a gender therapist can help you lots, and also your husband, to understand it all and sort through your feelings. It did wonders for me, feeling almost immediately less anxious.

 

About how I told my boys... well, I tried to make as a "non issue" of it as I could, explaining in a more "casual" way. I told them "you know that when babies are born the nurse looks at the baby's genitals and says "it's a boy/girl"?? Well, it is not like that. When I was born they said I was a girl, but I actually am not. In my mind and in my heart I'm a man." And from there I let them take it in and ask questions if they had any. I know that the right amount of information for kids is the amount that they ask for, so I let them set the pace for what they wanted to know. They had no questions at all at that moment and our lunch went on as if nothing had happenned. A few days later my oldest came back with questions and we took it from there. It has really been easy and basically a non-issue as of now. It is also true that I have not medically transitioned. Now it's only about dressing always male and a different hair cut. But I feel that as long as they realise that I'm here for them just as I always have been, they will be ok.

 

All of this is just my experience. There is a different story for each one of us, both in terms of our journey, how we came to it and how we live it. Every experience is different and all of them valid. What I mean is that this is just my experience and my story. Yours will be unique to you while we can also relate to many different stories.

 

Keep sharing, keep asking  

[Confused202]

@Gabriel thank you so much. You've given me hope. I have looked into therapy. I've scheduled therapy.. i just can't bring myself to actually go through with it. I'm nervous about showing up to a therapy session, sitting there and saying pretty sure I'm a guy....lol. I mean thats how it goes down in my head every time I think about it. 

 

My kids most likely would be better then a lot of my family. My sister and mom would most likely be the the harder ones in my family. And my husband's parents would be an absolute mess. 

 

Sometimes I think it would be best to just live my life as a female and it would be easier. Other times I feel like I should be able to become the guy I am and not worry about what people think. Hopefully I'll get the courage to do that.

[Jackie C.]

Therapists are (at least the ones I've dealt with) fantastic. You get to talk to a professional in a completely safe, non-judgmental space. You could walk in, sit down and say, "I'm pretty sure I'm the King of All Spiders," and they'd just say, "OK, how do you feel about that m'lord?"

 

Sometimes family can surprise you. That can absolutely go either way, but it's not always bad. I've had exactly one family member give me the boot. Granted I have a small family, but my wife's family's acceptance and my found family more than make up for it. Your kids are important. Your spouse is important. Everybody else's reaction... well, it can hurt but how much difference does it REALLY make in your life?

 

So this is the question I asked myself: "Would it be easier to live the remainder of my life as a miserable man or take my chances and transition into a possibly happier woman?" It was a hard decision, but what made it hard was the acceptance of the people that actually mattered in my life. That was my spouse. That was it. Anybody else was secondary. If they accepted me, great. If they didn't, well I'd be sad but I'd get over it. In your case the kids matter too, but your spouse is already willing to give it a go. You're halfway there.

Seriously, the minute or so it took my spouse to respond after I came out to her was the longest hundred years of my life. You're already past that so well done!

 

So yeah, only you can determine what's best for you. Have a sit and think about what would make you happy. There's a difference between living and just plodding along. If you can live happily as a woman, more power to you. If you can't, well, you deserve to have nice things, y'know?

 

Hugs!

[Astrid]

2 hours ago, Confused202 said:

I've scheduled therapy.. i just can't bring myself to actually go through with it. I'm nervous about showing up to a therapy session, sitting there and saying pretty sure I'm a guy....lol. I mean thats how it goes down in my head every time I think about it. 

 

Keep in mind that any session with the therapist is strictly confidential, and if they're an experienced gender therapist, they've heard this many times before and, by training, are non-judgmental.  They're also good at letting you go at your own pace.  You needn't say everything on your mind all at once, either. As you gain a level of comfort over several sessions, you can begin to open up more, as well. 

 

The gains from working with a therapist outweigh the initial awkwardness -- that's why those of us who've done it recommend it so often to others!

 

Hugs,

 

Astrid

[Billy]

You are definitely not alone. 

I am 42 with two young kids. I am out to them, my family and close friends now using a new male name and male pronouns. 

The kids are fairly easy. Accepting my new name has come naturally to them. What is now 50:50 is them using MaPa instead of Mama. 

My partnership with my wife does not seem to survive it though but with both of us having issues. You seem to have a very supportive husband from what you write though. All the best on your way to becoming yourself! 

[HNM22705]

I've been questioning myself for awhile as well, like 2 or 3 years now. I've kind of talked to my therapist about it, but its such a big thing sometimes I just can't. I'm happily married to my husband, we've been together for 10 years, no kids though. My problem is that he is very straight, so basically any move forward I would do would probably end my relationship. He's not a bad person, he just only likes women. So I'm in a bit of a conundrum. Its comforting at least, I guess, that there's other people my age and older who have had this kind of epiphany without really thinking about it in the past

[Gabriel]

Hi @HNM22705, welcome to the forums. 

 

I remember my first visit to the gender therapist. I was terrified. To put that in context, I had already done 14 years of therapy before that. I love therapy and always feel comfortable with a therapist. And yet I was totally terrified when it came to talk about my gender questioning. So, I get you, and you are not alone. But you know what? After that session everything changed, my anxiety was massively reduced and I found my way. So, even if it feels big and scary, go for it. Ideally with a gender therapist or a trans-friendly regular therapist.

 

And yes, you are definitely not alone about questioning when older. 

 

Joining here is a good step to getting closer to yourself too. This is a really good place to share your doubts and fears and get the experience of many kind folks who've been where you are.

 

Looking forward to knowing more about you