Looking for questions

[cananna]

I keep asking myself the same questions, over and over again
Am i faking this?
Am i sick?
Do i want this?
Am i faking it?
Do i want to push through with this?
AM I FAKING THIS?

 

The most stressfull part isn't that i keep changing my answers to this questions. That I can manage, i've always believed that doubt, even self doubt, is an incredible resource, because it keeps the mind fresh.
The worst is this distinct feeling at the back of my head, that tells me that these are not the correct questions i should be asking myself. And i can't think of anything else.
And i'm reading articles, and i'm whatching documentaries. I try to educate myself a bit, like i always did for any new things in my life that i can't undestand just yet. But i still can't come up with new questions.

 

Anyone that could find a good question for me?

[Jackie C.]

Let's see, in order:

 

Probably not.

I don't know. Are you coughing? Vomiting?

Want? No. Need? Maybe...

Still probably not.

Do you have a choice?

Cis people don't really question their gender. Just sayin'.

 

Some self doubt about this is normal. On the other hand, gender therapists exist. One of their roles is to function as a gatekeeper to keep people who aren't suffering from gender dysphoria from doing something they're going to regret.

 

For me the big question was, "Can you keep living like this?" The answer was... "<censored> no. Not one more day." Two years (ish, my egg cracked in February 2018) later, here we are.

 

I hope you find some of my mad-woman ramblings helpful.

 

Hugs!

[Audrey]

Dear @cananna, I feel you. I spent many years wondering about myself, and indeed asked those very same questions you're asking yourself - whether it was real, if I was sick, if I was faking it. I had my epiphany about a year ago after more than 20 years of questioning, when someone asked me if I was hiding something from them - and I just came out in a burst of tears. Then, once the pandemic hit and I was home most of the time, I realized how much happier I was to have the freedom to express my authentic self instead of putting on a show all the time.

The fact that you're asking questions, exploring your feelings, and seeking understanding are all excellent, if emotional, things to do while you're questioning. As Jackie suggested, speaking with a gender therapist is a wonderful idea to talk about what you're going through and get some support during this challenging time.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[cananna]

"Can i keep living like this?" is a good one, thank you @Jackie C.

I think i could, i wouldn't be balanced, probably, i wouldn't be happy, but i could.

But at the same time i don't think i should. I know i am male, sometimes, but i know that i am also something else. And now i want to find out what. Or else i won't have a chance to really know myself

 

Still, it would be nice to have an epiphany, like the one @Audrey is talking about. But i guess i still have a lot of miles to walk before that. I'll keep walking, hoping that one day i'll feel confident enough about myself. Still, i fear that day will never come.

 

Thanks to all for youre love