It's All in the Name

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, ElizabethStar said:

Y’all made me go look it up. 
My (dead-name) is 400+ down the list.  Less than 350 other people were given my name in 1974. 
 

Elizabeth is 12th with over 12k girls given the name in ‘74. 
 

 

 

Elizabeth. You are legion.

 

Hugs!

[TTheta]

2 hours ago, Shay said:

I think I'll use the most common spelling - Michelle - it will be fun to do 4 loopy loo's).

I love that- :)) 

[Heather Shay]

Ok - so I had to look mine up as well.

My male name was 4th in my birth year.

Michele with 1 L was 100 and Michelle with 2 LL's was 124. 

Heather was 440

Shay didn't make the top 1000

 

Elizabeth was 626

Unknown placed 329 (never knew anyone named Unknown)

 

[Audrey]

So I had to look it up...

Audrey is 221st for baby names in my birth year. Pretty rare. Another reason to love it!

My soon-to-be-dead name is 53rd in my birth year. And I won't miss it!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Guest]

I don't have a female name. For one thing I'm not transitioning in any way. (And for another, given the life I've led, I feel I'm not deserving of one.) I think I mentioned once before, here on Trans Pulse, I'm partial to the name "Felina". I recall the gender therapist I saw briefly several years back saying it's important to choose a name that was popular around the time you were born. I don't know if the name Felina was ever particularly popular although I recently learned it is now the name of a women's clothing line. I do know it was a name in the old Marty Robbins' song: "El Paso" which was originally released in 1959. (By then I was 11.)

 

I recall, many years ago when I was growing up my mother told me, while she was expecting, she'd hoped she'd have a girl. (She followed that up with: "But now I'm glad I had a boy." (I suppose she felt she had to say that.) Anyway... I recall her saying that, had I been a girl, she'd wanted to name me... either Susan or Suzanne I can't recall which one.

 

Interestingly... my real-life first name is now beginning to be used as a name for girls. A few years ago I was watching one of our local news programs. They had a piece that had something to do with a young couple's housing situation as I recall. And the wife's first name was the same as mine (in it's full form, not it's abbreviated form, if that makes sense.) And I remember thinking, at the time, if it was good enough for her it would be good enough for me...Yea! ?

[Heather Shay]

@Overalls Bear that is good sound reasoning for you and glad it works for you. That is all that matters really.

[Ivy]

To take a new name is a break from the past. I wonder - particularly for us older girls - how important is that?  Is it a real break to just feminize our former "dead" name?  Do we need a clear break?

I don't think we become a different person.  Really, we are who we were all the time, but just didn't realize it - or didn't feel free to act on it.

I don't know…

I think it was Dr. Seuss that said, "Oh the thinks you can think…"   

Sometimes I just go in circles.

[Heather Shay]

@Jandi and that is perfectly fine. I'm 68 and finally accepting myself and although I've gone in circles all my life I got off the merry go round and and told my wife I have to try HRT as nothing speech as worked for me and started HRT going on 6 months now and it feels good and right and a name change feels right for me. I like the Native American practice of changing your name anytime in your life.  . young or old.... When some life changing event happens to you and this has been life changing for me at the tender age of 68.

[MirandaB]

I picked this name mostly to have one to use on internet forums. Looked at a list of birth names from my birth year and picked one that was in a similar position in the other column. And all the Rhondas I'd known in the past weren't in my world any more. Then at some point I started getting that feeling you get when you hear or see your name when Rhondas pop up. Not convinced I'll ever use it for real, still workshopping names in case I do decide to switch in the future. 

[Audrey]

11 hours ago, Jandi said:

To take a new name is a break from the past. I wonder - particularly for us older girls - how important is that?  Is it a real break to just feminize our former "dead" name?  Do we need a clear break?

This is something I've wondered about too. I agree that while transition is a rebirth in many ways, we are still the same soul. The name Audrey is totally different than my dying/dead name, and I do feel quite an emotional connection to the name Audrey that I never had with my birth name. I'm also finding that as I come out to more people, they're all happy to call me Audrey and use she/her pronouns, even though they mess up sometimes since it's new and an adjustment. I feel like the clear break represents an acceptance that Audrey is me. Early on in my transition, that is hugely affirming and gives me warm fuzzies inside!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Gabriel]

My experience is very similar to Audrey's. My new name doesn't resemble at all my given name. I always felt completely detached from my given name (now I know it was dysphoria, with a helping of other issues - it was my late older sister name). It was only a sound that I responded to, but never felt like me. It has been astounding to me to feel how my new name lights a warm feeling in my chest every time someone uses it. Now I feel they refer to ME, I feel seen.

 

So yes, names are important.

[Ivy]

I haven't really gone by my "official" name.  Never have liked it.  Almost everyone I've known for years uses the nickname.  When some body addresses me by it, I know that it is someone that doesn't know me.  They usually want something.

[KathyLauren]

I just checked, and my male name was in the top-50 for my birth year.  My female name, Kathleen, is top-20.  Moving up in the world!  My middle names, both male and female, are in the top 300.

 

I didn't need a clean break from my old name.  I am the same person I always was, so some continuity is good.  What I needed though was a name that was unambiguously feminine.  Kathy does that for me.  It sounds a bit like my old name, but no one would ever assume male if they heard the name Kathy.

[HollyElizabeth]

My "dead-name" Michael was #1 in 1968. And my true name Holly was #103 at the same time in 68. Lisa was in the top spot in 1968 for a girl. Lisa is a pretty name.

 

Can I just say I hate the term "Dead-Name", just sounds so morbid.

[Heather Shay]

I agree with @HollyNoel the dead name is not good - how about "no longer using birth name" or "replaced name".

 

Wikipedia offers the following

 

Deadnaming is the use of the birth or other former name (i.e. a name that is "dead") of a transgender or non-binary person without their consent.^[1] Intentional deadnaming is sometimes used to "aggressively dismiss and reject" a person's gender identity and the name that accompanies it, which they may consider deeply disrespectful.^[1][2]

Contents

• 1Background
• 2Obstacles
• 3See also
• 4References

Background[edit]

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The practice of deadnaming has elicited considerable controversy. Supporters of transgender identity normalization argue that deadnaming is part of the hostile environment experienced by trans individuals.^[3] Deadnaming can also be done accidentally by people who are otherwise-supportive of trans individuals, such as supportive family members or longtime friends who have not yet become accustomed to using an individual's new name. Repeated failures to avoid deadnaming, however, can be seen as a failure to practice allyship.^[4] Deadnaming can be overt aggression or subtle microaggression indicating that the target is not fully recognized as a member of a society.^[5]

Even among those who support trans identities, there is dispute about the appropriateness both of the act of deadnaming, and deadnaming as a legitimate concept. Christopher Reed, a professor of history and scholar of queer culture, argued that deadnaming "inhibits efforts toward self-acceptance and integration."^[6] Others have argued that the freedom to deadname is not covered within the principles of academic freedom.^[7] Disputes surrounding the legitimacy of deadnaming have led to acrimonious disputes within the queer community, with some believing that deadnaming itself is a tangible harm, and others arguing that the move to prevent deadnaming is tantamount to "re-education camp."^[8]

Queer scholars have theorized that trans people insist on preventing deadnaming in part as a strategy of self-assertion for what is to come: "by insisting on the primacy of the present, by seeking to erase the past, or even by emotionally locating their 'real self' in the future, that elusive place where access (to transition, health care, housing, a livable wage, and so on) and social viability tend to appear more abundant."^[9] Correcting deadnaming by third parties is cited as a way to support trans people.^[4]

Obstacles[edit]

Attempts to stop being deadnamed can sometimes result in significant bureaucratic and administrative obstacles for trans people. The legal name change itself costs time, money and effort; further, changing corresponding information such as names, emails, class schedules in some institutions (such as school) can be difficult.^[5] For example, the design of the ride sharing app Lyft makes it extremely difficult for trans people to change their name in the app.^[10]

[Mx.Drago]

I don't know why, but for so reason I don't mind the girly first name my mommy monster bestowed upon me. She's a huge Trekkie and named me after the nurse in Star Trek. I'm not even religious, but I like it regardless. Plus people tend to butcher my name anyway, I'm mainly called by the short version, which is unisexed enough to satisfy the weirdness. My last name however, is a crime against humanity. Can't fit the damn thing on anything all my documents rarely have the full thing... Not even my state ID.  I always used Drago on the internet. I lack imagination and I'm a dragon in mind, heart, and soul. It's short, simple and satisfies my interests. Mx. is just a title to state things as they stand, not just a Ms. or Mr.

[Ivy]

For me a lot of "dead naming" has to do with intent.

[Guest]

One thing I thought about, as I was preparing to sign in here, was... is it legitimate to adopt a (in my case) feminine username as a way of recognizing my inner gender identity although I'm not doing anything to express it outwardly & have no plans to do so? In the end I came to the conclusion that, for me at least, it was not. Hence my username: Overalls Bear. 

 

 

[HollyElizabeth]

1 hour ago, Overalls Bear said:

One thing I thought about, as I was preparing to sign in here, was... is it legitimate to adopt a (in my case) feminine username as a way of recognizing my inner gender identity although I'm not doing anything to express it outwardly & have no plans to do so? In the end I came to the conclusion that, for me at least, it was not. Hence my username: Overalls Bear. 

 

 

You can be who ever you want to be. No judgement from any of us here.

[Ivy]

True, no judgment here.

[Guest]

@HollyNoel @Jandi Thank you both for your support. I have a complicated, one might even say contentious, relationship between my outwardly male persona and the alternate gender identity I've always kept deeply hidden. It tends to rear it's ugly head when I think about things like whether or not it's appropriate for me to have a feminine username. It becomes something of a slug-fest with my outward persona saying: "Of course not!" while my hidden gender identity says: "But why not? How come I always get the short end of the stick... or more accurately perhaps... no end of the stick at all?" ?

[Mx.Drago]

8 hours ago, Overalls Bear said:

@HollyNoel @Jandi Thank you both for your support. I have a complicated, one might even say contentious, relationship between my outwardly male persona and the alternate gender identity I've always kept deeply hidden. It tends to rear it's ugly head when I think about things like whether or not it's appropriate for me to have a feminine username. It becomes something of a slug-fest with my outward persona saying: "Of course not!" while my hidden gender identity says: "But why not? How come I always get the short end of the stick... or more accurately perhaps... no end of the stick at all?" ?

You do what you do, it's all cool so long as you okay with it. You give what you can, slow chip away that shell at your pace, be free. Your icon is adorable btw.

[Heather Shay]

You are who you are and that is beautiful. I personally wouldn't want you to be any other way. Be you.

[Guest]

@Mx.Drago @Shay Thank you... Bear hugs... ?

[Bri2020]

I think that just like when we were born, we grow into our names and they become us.  I think some can get too worried about choosing the "right" name but there really isn't a wrong one.  If you can't decide just pick one and start using it, see what happens.  My hope is that you and your name grow together as you transition.

When I came out as Bri, no one really cared how or why I chose my name and no one judged it. (unlike telling people what you are thinking of naming your child! lol).  Some asked out of curiosity but that was it.  I picked it because when I first started thinking I was trans I took it on as a profile name in games and eventually I kinda liked it. I like that people knew me that way and by that name.   I grew into it as I came to accept that was who I really was.

Good luck to all in search of who they are and how they want to be called.

Hugs and Kisses

Bri