How can I be trans?

[LaurenA]

How can I be trans when the thought of wearing a dress scares the hell out of me?

How can I be trans when I've no actual want to be a woman?

How can I be trans when being a man is so comfortable?

How can I be trans when dressing as a woman is not something I want to do?

How can I be trans when I've not felt like a woman since birth?

How can I be trans when I enjoy having pleasure with women so much?

How can I be trans?

[Jani]

Not all women enjoy wearing dresses.

Maybe you are not transgender.  Maybe you are but not binary.

Sometimes being what you are is more comfortable, until it's not.

You say you don't want to dress, but do you feel the need to?

Not all of us realize this right away.

Pleasure is pleasure to many

How can you be trans?  This is for you alone to answer.  There is no recipe or pattern to follow.

 

 

[LaurenA]

Yea, that's the rub isn't it.  We have to decide on our own.  There is no guidebook, no instruction sheet, no documentation.  And that leaves a lot of us wondering if we're just fantasizing or possibly just playing out a fantasy.  How do we know?  How do we come to a decision.  I'm beginning to see why a lot of people choose to not make the decision at all.

[Audrey]

1 hour ago, LaurenA said:

How can I be trans?

 

Only you can know for sure if you identify as transgender. It's an umbrella term that includes not only binary transgender women and men - but also nonbinary, gender nonconforming, bigender, and other expressions of gender. I had many of the same answers as @Jani to your questions. It's often said that questioning is the hardest time of all, and reflecting on my own experience, I'd have to agree. Exploring your identity with a gender therapist can help, as can connecting with a supporive community like this one.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[LaurenA]

Got a therapist but she's as lost as I am.  At least that's how I view things.

[Jani]

@LaurenA to be honest, I enjoyed my time living as a guy.  I did a lot of cool things, I met a lot of neat people, I have a great family.  But once I explored I found I was not comfortable 100% of the time.  I was terrified to move forward, yet also terrified to not to.  

[Jani]

1 hour ago, LaurenA said:

she's as lost as I am.

You need to be 110% honest to get the most out of counseling sessions.  Clarity is the goal!  Maybe you've thought "something" in response to a question but discounted it as too far out.  These are the things to talk about as they can reveal what our deepest inner self needs and wants.

[LaurenA]

I feel like I'm riding on a pendulum.  I swing from one decision to another.  One day I feel feminine and want to dress pretty.  The next I dress in guy mode with jeans and a Dickies shirt and it feels right to me.  I don't know which way to turn.  I read posts about HRT and think I want to do that.  Then I wonder why I even thought that way.  Damn I'm so confused!

[LaurenA]

@Jani  I have tried my most to be honest with her.  That's how she came up with the concept I'm transgender.  She has never counceled a transgender person through their questioning, let alone through any transition.  That's why I say she's as lost as I am.

[Jani]

@LaurenA You might want to seek out a counselor that specializes in Gender.  They won't tell you you are transgender but though talking and introspection you will find out yourself where you are.  From there the next question is what to do.  If you can live as you are, but having knowledge of it, you might not need to socially or medically transition.   You might find going on a low dose or estrogen (estradiol) would provide some clarify.  Although I was certain of my path, starting HRT was a game changer for me.  

[LaurenA]

Again, a difficult proposition.  Finding a gender councilor that fits my financial needs.  Found bunches that don't accept any insurance.  Few if none that Medicare is even a concept for.  There's also the problem that I have been very open with the councilor I have and would feel guilty leaving her behind?  Again the questioning... Is that just an excuse to not go further?

 

[Jani]

Sometimes we go as far as we can with a counselor then move onward.  There is no shame in that.  You also don't want to be spinning you wheels when you could be making real progress towards a solution.  We have a resources list here but also Psychology Today has a large searchable data base of therapists and counselors.  

 

Questioning?  Well I suppose we all do until we settle on a solution.  You may need to push beyond your comfort zone to find what you're looking for.  Otherwise you bump up against the same wall and start anew.  

[LaurenA]

There are times I think that I should just make a decision to go forward towards transfemale and see how it works out.  That's more comfortable that constantly asking myself if it's true.

[Jani]

There is always the option to try out what you feel is right, or achievable, or whatever...  The goal IMO is to end up where you are most comfortable.  

 

PS: Obviously once you try a new persona and tell others that cat is out of the bag and it may be hard to "convince" them you are serious when you settle on your true self.  Someone here mentioned that issue several years ago. 

[LaurenA]

Around 1970 I said I was gay and had a good time at that.  A few years later I called myself bi and I had a good time at that.  Later on I called myself bi but was mostly het and had a good time at that.  So now I'm calling myself trans and having no fun at all.  This is a good thing?

[LaurenA]

@Jani BTW  Thank you for having this conversation with me.

 

[Jani]

1 hour ago, LaurenA said:

So now I'm calling myself trans and having no fun at all. 

So the question is why?  You're older?  You feel you need to make a choice?  Fill in the blank?

 

Having a good time and being happy (or satisfied) are not always equal.  

 

I guess the question is why do you think you might be transgender?  Given your initial post above.  

[LaurenA]

Ah, it's because my therapist decided it was why I have been depressed for so long an why I drink so much.  After she suggested it I came up with a lot of incidences from my youth that supported the theory.  They even made sense to me.  But I grew up in the 50's where even being gay was a hanging offense.  Dressing in women's clothing was enough to get you ostracized from society.  There wasn't even a term for being trans other that pervert or sexual deviant.

[Jani]

I'm a model from the 50's too though a couple years later than you!  So I understand completely.  

 

1 hour ago, LaurenA said:

I have been depressed for so long an why I drink so much.

Be careful as this is a self fulling loop.  Drinking can certainly make you depressed.  

 

I suppose any supposition can be connected to life experiences if you try hard enough.  I was depressed enough to start on my transition journey.  I like to think I cured that problem by moving forward and starting HRT.  

 

Back to being raised in the 50's do you think maybe as you were normalized to believing anything outside the "normal" cis-het life was wrong or evil that it may be cause for your depression?  You want to be happy and live as you please but inside your head you're told no this is not right?  

 

Lauren I have to log off for the night but I would continue this conversation with you in a PM if you wanted. It is getting too personal for open discussion IMO.

 

Jani 

[LaurenA]

I too need to log off.  I have a 6AM thing I have to do.  That you for the conversation.  It prods me to think about things and ponder my thoughts.  Yes I know that drinking to excess is not a good thing.  That's why I work at keeping it in moderation right now.  Possibly talk to you tomorrow.  I do enjoy our discussions.

[Mx.Drago]

On 12/22/2020 at 8:08 PM, LaurenA said:

Ah, it's because my therapist decided it was why I have been depressed for so long an why I drink so much.  After she suggested it I came up with a lot of incidences from my youth that supported the theory.  They even made sense to me.  But I grew up in the 50's where even being gay was a hanging offense.  Dressing in women's clothing was enough to get you ostracized from society.  There wasn't even a term for being trans other that pervert or sexual deviant.

It's a good thing this isn't the 50s anymore, & society is slowly waking up too a better understanding and exceptence. Though it be snail slow in the welcomed dept., at least their are different words that are being given light to define the variety.

You could be genderfluid. One day feeling like one, and some days feeling a bit of the opposite, or on others days variations in-between.

I know looking for understanding doctors can be difficult. The doctors themselves are all also on crash course learning, and like you said, wasn't that too long ago everything was absolute heresy, punished and social demonized.

But with a new year on the horizon, what better time to make that "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." When you finally find yourself and can sit within and outside as yourself at peace, feels almost like touching down on the moon. A quite pure bliss of exsisting among the stars free.

On 12/22/2020 at 8:30 PM, LaurenA said:

I too need to log off.  I have a 6AM thing I have to do.  That you for the conversation.  It prods me to think about things and ponder my thoughts.  Yes I know that drinking to excess is not a good thing.  That's why I work at keeping it in moderation right now.  Possibly talk to you tomorrow.  I do enjoy our discussions.

Better busy forward then backwards. Moderation is definitely a good goal towards balance to start with. Sometimes it takes poking in the dark to find the answers. Never stop questioning, but try not to be too afraid of what you may find. It's part of the journey. Knowledge is power, but it can be confusing, especially when it's all still very new. But keeping an open mind and heart helps. It's just all boils down to moderation management, learning, and understand of limits. It's never easy, but don't let that stop you from improving your life for the better.

[Abi]

On 12/22/2020 at 5:52 PM, LaurenA said:

She has never counceled a transgender person through their questioning, let alone through any transition.  That's why I say she's as lost as I am.

The best therapist for a situation like this is one who has experience. It is difficult to get answers if you are the only one that knows what to ask. I would suggest a proper gender therapist like @Jani did. I also would encourage you to read as many things as possible on this subject and try to be patient with all of that in mind. One suggestion that really helped me was this, try little things that are easily reversed. Like for example, put on nail polish or light eye shadow. See how these things make you feel. If they are uncomfortable, then try things that would seem to be comforting. If you can't find that then you may not entirely be binary but that takes time to figure out. Be kind to yourself along the way and ask as many questions as possible.

 

On 12/22/2020 at 7:08 PM, LaurenA said:

my therapist decided it was why I have been depressed for so long an why I drink so much. 

This worries me for you. It seems like your therapist is offering up a basic answer to a complex issue. If they have never had much experience counseling transgender people, then how good can their assessment really be. I am not saying they are wrong but, they do seem to lack the background in a major way. It is not often a good idea to attach the label to a patient but to help them explore themselves in a way that brings truth into our perspectives. I am simply urging you to be cautious.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

 

Abi

[VickySGV]

Certainly, we Trans folks can put away a helluva lot of booze and be depressed to the bottom of a wine press like a bunch of wined out grapes, but maybe you are not Trans, even though you came here with questions which (to my mind) says you are not happy being the male you were told you were for too many years.  It is possible you are male, but NOT THAT MALE that others felt you should be.  You were not the son your father dreamed of having and tried to build based on his (or your mother's) ideas of how to own you and train you to be.  That situation was true for me, and I worked like a demon on that train of thought for many years.  The very last time I saw my father truly alive, 70 days before he died and three years before I came out, was the only time he ever told me he respected me and was proud of me.  While that was true in my case, I also had the personal shame of being Trans, first CD, and then the whole rest of the road.  I know that my problems with alcohol stemmed from the failure to get parental respect AND the GD. The GD part mayy not be your situation.   Certainly a Gender Therapist can cover both possibilities, but for now, look at the idea you may simply identify as another male and not what you have been.  If that is resolved without your being Trans, go for it.  We will not kick you off of here if that is the solution.  If you turn out like I did, then at least the one part has been resolved and you can move on.  I was totally binary on my run up to my GCS but am now relaxed and certain of who I am, and not nearly as ready to doll up if plainer wear fills the bill for what I am doing.  Two out of three, depression and drinking, are not any fun and will prevent you from developing the identity you need to live your life as, but this is why I am dead against people rushing on going whole hog Trans with all the problems of society and health that do exist. 

[LaurenA]

Thank you everybody for all of your kind thoughts and words.  It's been a difficult few days but I think I have gone past that now.  One of the decisions I have made is that I need to find a more experienced councilor.  I've found a place in town that adheres to the WPATH guideline.  I'm going to try to connect with someone there.  The other decision I've come to is that there is no reason I shouldn't experiment more.  I've decided that it can't hurt.  After talking with my SO and I realized that most of my being scared about expressing my femininity was my fear of how she would react.  The other part of course is how I will be accepted and treated in public.  That hurdle I'll face at another time.  So I've ordered some clothes just to see how that feels to me.  If that works then onto the next step

 

You know, when everyone writes about the stages of transitioning nobody talks much about those first few weeks when nothing feels right.  All of the discussions seem to jump right away into HRT.  There should be a guideline for all of those first micro-steps and how to deal with the feeling that happen.  I know I looked for it and couldn't find anything.  I think that's part of why I fell apart.  All I could find were statements that said that only I could decide while not giving enough suggestion on what I could do to do reach that decision.  Because of that I felt a failure and thought it was all wrong for because I couldn't decide that on my own and I didn't have anyone to help me.

 

I can see how this can lead people, especially teens, into such a state of depression that they thing there is no way out.  It was enough for me with a lifetime of dealing with unanswerable question.  I feel that I've found myself a way out without disastrous consequences.  I plan on continuing on that path to a better understanding of who I should be.

 

Again, thank you everyone.

 

Lauren

(And yes, that is my name!

[Lexi C]

Hey Lauren. 

1st r u new Lauren name or is that your old name. Cause if Lauren is your new name then you just answer you own question. Jani and everyone else above are  different, but i think ( i hope i am not sounding rude ) we all realized early on we  were TG. For some (like myself) it took over 50yrs to feel comfortable to shed the mask. Others ( like my cuz) it only took 11yrs . So take yr time. I think a few of humans above me suggest you find TG therapist. I can tell from exp its make a BIG difference.

Good luck