I have o idea about what I'm supposed to be.

[MusicAddictedMoth]

Hello everybody who may see this post.

 

A few years ago (maybe 2-3 years), I started questionning myself about my gender, am I trans? Am I cis? What am I?

And to this day it's still a mess and I'm totally lost..

Somedays I want to be a man, have facial hair (not that just men can have facial hair and women shouldn't or anything like that but I think it would make me look more manly), be called another name, make my breasts less visible and just be seen as a man, not a woman. And maybe the next day or week I'll feel like a very "feminine" woman and will act/dress as such. The one thing that never really goes away is the problem I have down there... I was born with female genitalia and I always feel like something is missing, I should've gotten male genitalia and yet I don't have it! And it feels so weird because I feel like this is the only change I really absolutely want on my body, well I don't even know! But it's really the one thing hurting me the most and the fact that my mother mocked me for finding my packer (because SHE snooped around my room) and my english teacher saying trans people aren't really opressed and should just "man up and learn to take it since they have more rights, just like lgbt people" really doesn't help-

It's all a confusing mess, I feel either like a man or a woman (it keeps varying) but at the same time I want to exchange my genitalia for male genitalia definitely but still not modifying any other parts of my body and it just confuses me? Does this makes me a "fake trans"?

Sorry for that long post!

[Jackie C.]

First off, welcome to TransGenderPulse! We're glad you're here.

 

Secondly, you're a moth that's addicted to music. It says so right in your user name. Please check your .ini file for more details. ?

 

1 hour ago, MusicAddictedMoth said:

Does this makes me a "fake trans"?

 

Nah, it sounds like you're genderfluid with some extra dysphoria or maybe some flavor of non-binary. We're all unique. Genderfluid isn't really my thing, but we have some genderfluid members you can connect with. You should also absolutely talk to a gender therapist when you can. You're going to need one anyway if you want to have genital modification and they really help you sort things out in your head.

 

Also, your English teacher is an ass. We don't have any extra rights. (For example, I can be fired, evicted and refused medical services for being trans where I live.) We're trying to get the same rights that cis/het people have. That's the whole point of the LGBTQ+ movement. Also "man up" is incredibly insensitive and you can tell him I said so.

 

As for the breast thing. I did an informal poll. Roughly 100% of people chosen from cis/het men and women to gay/lesbian men and women liked breasts. I did not have anyone who is non-binary to ask so that demographic may skew differently (for scientific accuracy) and the sample size was basically anybody who didn't get away from me fast enough on that particular day but there's nothing at all wrong with wanting to have a penis and breasts at the same time. More power to you.

 

Again, welcome to TransGenderPulse! We're glad you're here. I look forward to getting to know you better.

 

Hugs!

[Charlize]

Welcome.  I found that my time here helped me accept myself.  I've made rather large changes but many others do not find that necessary.  Perhaps simply finding a place where i could be honest and not judged helped me greatly.  Glad you are here.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Audrey]

Welcome, @MusicAddictedMoth, it's nice to meet you!

 

First, I'm very sorry to hear about what your mother and teacher have done.. Both of those must be extremely painful for you to experience, especially something so deeply personal to you as your gender identity and expression. I hope you have a supportive person close to you in your life you can share your feelings with.

 

It's often said that questioning is the hardest place of all to be. I know that feeling all to well, I was there for decades. That said, I don't believe that there is any such thing as "fake trans." Your gender identity and expression are uniquely yours. Only you can decide if you are trans or not. It may take time for you to fully explore and understand yourself, and you may find that the ideas of nonbinary, genderfluid, or bigender resonate for you. It's all okay and valid. I'm confident that you'll find the community here at Trans Pulse supportive and understanding as you go forward with understanding yourself. We're all here for you!

 

Also, I agree with @Jackie C., the phrases "man up" and especially "take it like a man" are insensitive and need to go away immediately.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Mx.Drago]

Hey there,

Kinda had many of your questions at first. Took me constant checking online to make sure I was getting the right terms and settled on being bigendered, also a pansexual.

You sound more genderfluid in my opinion, but it's never really a solid setting cuz you can change over time and eventually settle the older you get or just remain fluctuating in-between.

For the time being now, don't sweat on the terms till you feel you got a good idea of how you feel bout things. Therapist help and are highly recommended.

I could never enjoy wearing dresses. Maybe a fancy dress shirt, but hard pass on skirts and the torturous foot wear. Always had the empty feeling down below the belt. Got a packer, but find it a bit disturbing removing it. When it falls off, sends the head to the dark place quick cuz wished I didn't need the proxy to fill the void for the time being. Super depressing but it won't be like that hopefully forever. Just need to start with a good therapist to get you started on your journey of self discovery.

[MusicAddictedMoth]

Thanks,

Yeah I really don't like that teacher, all I did was talking about the fights trans people have to go through just to gain basic rights and then, she just insulted me (indirectly of course) and my friends! She even tried to tell us bs like "oh homophobia doesn't happen around here anymore", yeah absolutely I don't remember (irony, I totally remember) about a lesbian couple being beaten by a group of men for refusing to kiss to entertain them (this particular event absolutely terrified me when it happened and sadly it keeps happenning). And when we got on the trans part she was all like "what do you think are going throught their heads?" I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from talking back, I don't even know for myself!

So sorry I'm venting now-

 

Those phrases definitely hurt, she doesn't even want to try and acknowledge that! Like I'm already scared from all the hate I could get and now I might even be a victim of it in school?? By a teacher??

 

Thanks a lot for those precious advices, sure it'll take me a lot of time but eh, maybe someday I'll figure it out

[MusicAddictedMoth]

1 hour ago, Mx.Drago said:

Always had the empty feeling down below the belt. Got a packer, but find it a bit disturbing removing it. When it falls off, sends the head to the dark place quick cuz wished I didn't need the proxy to fill the void for the time being. Super depressing but it won't be like that hopefully forever. Just need to start with a good therapist to get you started on your journey of self discovery.

I hate that feeling, and yet it just keeps coming back! I understand with the packer, diy'ed one but it really wasn't perfect, I keep thinking about the visual of it so a rolled up sock really isn't doing it for me so I just keep browsing to find one. I knew a good therapist but I can't go now (thanks a lot C0vid!!). We can contact a therapist (in contact with the school and dorms I live in) but I'm soo scared she/he/they might judge or insult me if I talk about it

[Jackie C.]

2 hours ago, MusicAddictedMoth said:

We can contact a therapist (in contact with the school and dorms I live in) but I'm soo scared she/he/they might judge or insult me if I talk about it

 

Therapists are pretty safe. While bad therapists exist, they're trained to be accepting and listen. No matter what. For your own happiness, you should consider giving it a chance.

 

Hugs!

[Mx.Drago]

3 hours ago, MusicAddictedMoth said:

I hate that feeling, and yet it just keeps coming back! I understand with the packer, diy'ed one but it really wasn't perfect, I keep thinking about the visual of it so a rolled up sock really isn't doing it for me so I just keep browsing to find one. I knew a good therapist but I can't go now (thanks a lot C0vid!!). We can contact a therapist (in contact with the school and dorms I live in) but I'm soo scared she/he/they might judge or insult me if I talk about it

Couldn't live with the idea of a sock... My brain just sez no...saved and got a realistic one, fits well and gives me a good idea of feeling, also can practice bathroom stuff. No regrets with my purchase. Words can hardly describe how it felt having it. But removing it, or having it fall off in the middle of a rare chance with partner, ruined the mood quick. Felt like a hot poker to my heart and soul.

I'd try talking with the therapist, or ask around to see how they are before scheduling a session. Besides first session is always introductions, you'll know by then if they can help you.