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The Toughest Questions....


Valorie

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I wrote this written prayer to God about a year back. Today, the first day of 2021, I officially took my first dose of HRT to become Vaela. When I wrote this, I still went by the name Valorie. I know a lot of these questions will never be answered in my lifetime. But I still believe I am His child and am still precious to Him. These are the toughest questions of my life:

 

If I became her, would Your love for me change?

If I took another road, would I still see You when my final breath is taken?

My truest desire is to worship at Your feet, to know the fullness of You, to never need V because you complete all parts of me.

But, right now, I need V. For reasons I can’t understand, she is vital to me. I am not enough on my own. And even with you living inside of me, I need her. I don’t know why.

If I did, I wouldn’t toil so much.

If I knew why my mind operated as it does, I could explain the need for her. It’s simple and complex at the same time: I am her in some important way, a Frankenstein-like creature made up of both man and woman.

If I had the chance, I would have liked to know her much earlier on than now. I like her personality. And I like what she has done for me.

She kept me alive when I couldn’t find You. Those dark nights, where death was a desire and the pain of life was getting heavier and heavier, she helped me spread the weight so it didn’t crush me.

If I admit that I’ve imagined worshipping You as a woman, would I be considered a blasphemer? It wouldn’t be in mockery. It would be love. I love you and so does she, whether people understand that or not.

If I have always needed her, doesn’t that mean You have a purpose for her?

If I stand on Your promises, will they always return to me in full? If you love addicts, can’t you love me, a man that may also be a woman, a son that may also be a daughter? 

If I changed my name, would it be seen as a kick in the face?

If I changed my gender, would it be in opposition to your ultimate design?

Or do You understand that we are all broken, some more than others? And some holes don’t fill very cleanly in this life?

If I lived life as a woman, would I be happier? Or would I toil all the same? Would I finally feel at peace, or would I continue to try and fit in places where I seem to stick out instead? Would I be accepted and loved or would I lose everything You’ve given me?

If I am to be a father to my daughters, do I have to keep V hidden? Or can I still be the support they need while living life in a way that’s true to myself? Will them seeing her damage them or will they have the compassion and understanding to see that I’m still the same person I’ve always been?

If I answer with uncertainty now, does that mean I’ll someday have clarity? Do I want to be Valorie? As my answer has been for a while, it all depends on when I’m asked. If it’s when she is wanting out, yes, I want to be Valorie. If it’s after I’ve given her some girl time, I’m pretty content to remain the man.

Content but not excited. Content but not inspired. The man represents old hat. And he always will. I know him, inside and out really. I don’t know V in that way. She remains a mystery to me and is who I love to explore.

 

Please tell me my fellow Christ loving trans travelers, what are the toughest questions of your life?

 

With love and hope, 

Vaela

   

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  • 2 weeks later...
CD Rachel

Vaela

 

The prayer brought me to tears. I have repeatedly asked for this cup to pass, for the desires to leave me but they are always calling me. I sometimes fear that God could not possibly love me and yet there are times when i do not doubt his love. I have found no answers to my prayers only more questions. All i can do is have faith in Him and that there is a plan for my life.

 

Rachel

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  • 1 month later...
Marcie Jensen

Wow.  Two very powerful posts here, and Valorie and Rachel, my heart goes out to you. Perhaps I can provide some clarity. In full disclosure, after I retired from the Army some years ago, I went to seminary and obtained a Masters of Divinity. I was then ordained as a Minister of Word and Sacrament by the Presbyterian Church. This was all before I came out, and before I even understood my feminine self. I now identify as a woman.

 

Here are some important things to keep in mind.

First, God loves each of us unconditionally and beyond our ability to understand. That is foremost.

Second, Scripture does not address gender dysphoria or being transgender.  As a reformed theologian and a staunch Calvinist, In fact, there are very few refences, even obliquely, in Scripture to LGBTQ issues.  If I remember correctly, there is a single verse about it in Leviticus, and Paul refences it in Corinthians but the latter passage is misquoted as he was condemning temple prostitutes disrupting Sunday services. Kind of a stretch to get from that to  condemnation of transpeople...

Third, the argument that "God doesn't make mistakes," and then using Jeremiah 1:2 (Before I formed you in the womb I knew you) is fallacious. God did not make a mistake; rather the fallen and sinful nature of the world, and our fallible human bodies are are what's amiss, so to speak, not the Lord Almighty.

Fourth, keep in mind that while we all sin (and I'm confident that being trans isn't a sin), we are redeemed by our faith alone. That said, God loves each of us for we are and accept us and affirms us. May he bless you both.

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Marcie Jensen

Oh and Valorie, God indeed understands our broken natures and uses them for His benefit and glory. Consider: Moses was a murderer. His sister Miriam worshipped an idol. Sarah was a doubter. David was an adulterer who sent his best friend to his death. Solomon was a polyigamist. Matthew was a tax collector, and Paul, perhaps the greatest of the apostles, persecuted and murdered the early Christians. And,  Peter, the first disciple and the rock on which the church was founded, denied Christ three times.

So, be comforted that He does understand and loves us and uses our brokenness to further His kingdom.

Hugs

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CD Rachel

@Marcie JensenThank you for sharing all of that with us. I sometimes forget that God so often has used the broken vessel not because we are worthy but because He is.

 

I am glad that you are here.

 

Rachel

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Marcie Jensen

You are welcome, Rachel. Your initial post was very powerful, and about something we all feel now and again. You are a blessing.

 

I'm glad to have met you.

 

Hugs,

Marcie

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Ladies,

 

I haven't been on here much lately, but I just wanted you to know I appreciate your words. Though all of our stories differ when it comes to the details of what led us to this point in our lives, it's always nice, and so needed, to see how similar we truly are.

 

Cliché as it may be, there's a lot of truth in just knowing I'm not the only one who feels this way. 

 

All my love, 

Vaela

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  • 1 month later...
Tera Ledo

I wanted to find stories like these as far back as i can remember! When i first came out in college, I didnt want to give up my Adventist faith. I thought I HAD to though. All i could think, was just how scared i was. Not to start my new life as a girl. That was pretty exciting! But... I was so scared that I would never be allowed back in church. I couldnt bear it. I know so many times, that Jesus has been there for me. Even when i chose to disregard Him, and worship other gods, goddesses, demons. Whatever. I could feel Him calling me back. One of my favorite songs describes this. I hated that song, for a long time... Eventually I chose to give up on "Chelsea", as I was then known. I came crawling back to the church. But it didnt feel authentic still. As a "man" i could never worship God in a way that made sense... I kept missing everything. Recently Ive embraced the truth that Im a girl again! I started rejecting God again. It got so bad! I dont even wanna get into it... But, I started praying (like i always have) Please Father, take this away! Every morning... I still have the bodily abnormality that makes me shudder. But deep in my soul I know, and have always known. Then I decided (rather God did) that I would finally just try, worshiping Him as Tera. With her voice lifted high to Him... Let's just say I understand now, that it's not my fault! Tera paraphase of a Bible verse: (Sorry I cant remember the reference right now)Who's fault was it that this man was born blind? It was no one's fault but that Jesus power could be shown thru him! This is what I want to portray to the world! I'm still not sure how to convince the rest of my church, but... My faith shall not be shaken any longer! I am fireproof!

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Marcie Jensen

Hi Tera,

May God bless you and keep you.  Your story registers with me because when I joined the army 'way back when, there was a point when I had "Tactical air support" on my dog tags for religion because I said, "when I call on something from the sky I want it to be fast, hard hitting and accurate."  Needless to say, I was blind in my arrogance, but by His grace, I came home. As did you. As did we all.  And we all need that (literally) amazing grace more often than we care to admit.

 

The Bible passage you refer to is from John's Gospel, chapter 9, verses 1-12. Here's the whole passage, (NIV translation)

 

 

 

 

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2 His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

3 “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. 4 As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. 5 While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”

6 After saying this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man’s eyes. 7 “Go,” he told him, “wash in the Pool of Siloam” (this word means “Sent”). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing.

8 His neighbors and those who had formerly seen him begging asked, “Isn’t this the same man who used to sit and beg?” 9 Some claimed that he was.

Others said, “No, he only looks like him.”

But he himself insisted, “I am the man.”

10 “How then were your eyes opened?” they asked.

11 He replied, “The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes. He told me to go to Siloam and wash. So I went and washed, and then I could see.”

12 “Where is this man?” they asked him.

 

I would also say that "church" isn't found within 4 walls on a Sunday morning. Nor is it an activity between breakfast and football. As Jesus put it, "Where two or three gather in my name, there is my church." (Matthew 18:20)  As long as Christ is in our hearts, all is well. Worship as the woman you are, and rejoice. The Lord always listens.

 

Marcie

 

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
Tera Ledo

The Exodus story is ringing out loud and clear to me. Faith ain't easy to understand, I believe Jesus will take our hand. Activate! Dont react with hate! One Love, One World, One Way! One day at a time, this is not a crime. May God bless us all. No doubt, cast it out!

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  • Forum Moderator
Susan R
On 4/21/2021 at 5:30 PM, Marcie Jensen said:

I would also say that "church" isn't found within 4 walls on a Sunday morning. Nor is it an activity between breakfast and football. As Jesus put it, "Where two or three gather in my name, there is my church." (Matthew 18:20)  As long as Christ is in our hearts, all is well. Worship as the woman you are, and rejoice. The Lord always listens.

I agree with this whole heartedly. If this was not the case, I would not have continued on my recent journey. He always hears our prayers and knows our needs.

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Tera Ledo

Isaiah 56:1-8. Get it out. Confirmation and clarity. Truth in sincerity. This is what we're talking about. Makes me wanna scream and shout! No doubt! Stop! Oh, snap! Never gonna hold me back. (God please hold me back!) Keep me on Your Spirit's track! Preach! Outreach. Test of faith... Day by day, gone like the wind, this isnt the end... but remember, dont hate! Its never too late! Walk with Him, He will give Peace that surpasses understanding. No use in reprimanding. Theres only One Way! Jesus is the Way! I wanna be in the Light...

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Tera Ledo

also Matthew 19:11-12. Oops... Flipped my lid. Shouldve never hid. Lol

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Marcie Jensen

Hi Tera! You went and quoted one of my very favorite Old Testament prophets, as well as a favorite passage. :) Also, the quote from Matthew is apt here. I also agree with what you have to say about hate--it's a total waste of time. It's like taking poison and hoping the other person dies. Hating just doesn't work out very well...

 

This reminds me of my late mother's favorite passage; from Micah 6:8 "He hat shown thee oh man, what is good. And what doth th4e Lord require of thee? Save to do justly, and to love mercy and to walk humbly with thy God." (She always quot4ed from the King James Bible, so that's how I remember this verse.) The point being, if we are doing justly, loving mercy and walking humbly, where is there any room for hate?

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