Unconventional Introduction

[Knoxd68]

Hi everyone,

My name is Eric (for now) and I am a 52-year-old, AMAB and I identify as bigender (for now) although I feel that I will ultimately need to come to terms with the fact that I am truly MtF. Bigender seems to fit best now because I feel that I am both a man and a woman and my ultimate gender expression may be a little unconventional. This has me worried about getting approved for medical treatments like HRT and gender affirming surgeries. It has me worried that I won’t fit in to the community and will struggle to find a mate. I am something that I have not been able to find any information about in all my research. Now, I live and express myself as a traditionally masculine gay man. My masculinity is like an overlay of my entire gender identity. I feel that what I am becoming is a butch MtF with a primary attraction to men.

 

A little background information first. I had some gender related struggles as a young child and wanted to be a girl, at the time I very much a rough and tumble boy playing pee-wee football and t-ball as early as 5. But inside I kept thinking I was a really a girl and could not understand why I continued to wake up every day as a little boy. I knew I didn’t act like most girls but I still felt that identity inside of me. I used to pray every night that God would transform me into a girl and then I could be like the pretty, tomboyish girls at my school that I admired. Of course, this never happened and around six I finally figured out that that my gender was fixed. I gave up at that point and just accepted it.

 

When I turned 12, I began to realize I was attracted to males. This explained my earlier gender confusion to me and I just put it out of my head and continued on a traditionally masculine path, playing football all through school, even in to college. Now, I wonder if I was overcompensating but upon deep reflection, I do not think so. I enjoyed being active in sports and still follow football and baseball religiously. I truly enjoy and outdoors and especially love to fish. I like my facial hair but realize that it will have to go one of these days if I continue on this path.

 

I came out at 18 as gay and had a couple of relationships before entering into what would become a 25 year relationship with a man. Not once, until I was 47, did I ever think about my gender identity. But after my mother passed away, as sad as I was, I felt this strange sense of liberation and with that feeling of freedom, I began to think that maybe I was truly female after all. This was very distressing and confusing to me and for a long time I just wanted it to go away. But after splitting amicably with my husband for unrelated reasons. I gave myself permission to explore it. I ordered breast forms and some body shapers, which I found that I enjoyed and I was surprised to discover how comfortable and right it felt to see myself with breasts. I obtained some lingerie and a dress and enjoyed wearing those too but did not feel an especially deep connection to it. I found that I was more drawn to wearing breast forms with one of my t-shirts, my jeans and a short-haired wig (unfortunately I’m bald). I also combined them with some leather and one day realized that the woman that I was shaping up to be looked more like a butch lesbian. Even though I am only attracted to men, I found that adopting this look, again, felt comfortable and right for me.

 

Why even change, I would ask myself. I am already masculine so why go through everything only to stay remarkably similar to what I already am? The answer that kept coming to me was that it was because I am not a masculine man, I am a masculine woman. I longed for many things female. I want a feminine shape with wider hips and a bigger butt. I hate my flat butt. I want breasts. I want a vagina. I don’t hate my current genitals but honestly have not enjoyed sex that much as a man. Sex as a woman sounds amazing. I want to experience a female orgasm. I want facial feminization surgery. I want to be read as female and acknowledged as a woman by the world, only it will be as a butch woman.

 

Are their others that feel this way, a woman with a strong masculine influence? If I follow through with a transition will I be able to able to find a male partner expressing my gender in mannish way? Sometimes I feel so unconventional that I fear there will be no acceptance of me anywhere. I know in my head that outright rejection is unlikely and that trans women are incredibly diverse. But I am not feeling it in my heart yet, all I feel there is anxiety and uncertainty about pursuing an identity that may only serve to isolate me. I also worry that transitioning in my 50’s will pose many additional challenges on top of the ones that I have concerns about. One good step I am taking is that I have my first therapy appointment on Monday night to begin sorting through these issues.

 

Having said all that, I am thankful to have found this very welcoming site. I hope to learn more about myself and learn about the experiences of others. I hope to feel affirmation and hope as I will connect with folks who feel that their body doesn’t match who they really are. I especially hope to make friends, to gain support and maybe get a few pen pals. Thanks for reading my introduction. I  look forward to getting to know you all.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Transgender Pulse, KnoxD.  I'd like to assure you that this is one place where "unconventional" is quite conventional, meaning we don't worry about labels and fitting in and checking off all the boxes.  You are who you are, and we are not here to judge you.

 

I'm sure there are others here, now or in the recent past, who have felt the same or similar to you.  We have a forum where you can likely find some of them; the "What Am I/I'm Not Sure" Forum.

 

Finding a mate is rarely easy for trans folk, regardless of where they are on the spectrum.  More often than not I have seen the most success when one trans person finds another trans person; which makes sense, since who knows better what we go through and who we are than another trans person?  Right?  But I know some trans folk who married cis folk and made it work.

 

Please look around and post comments and questions.  We'll be here for you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Audrey]

Welcome @Knoxd68! It's lovely to meet you. Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt story as your introduction. There are a few themes I relate to in what you shared - like wishing to be a girl at a young age, overcompensating with traditionally "male" interests, struggling with anxiety, and especially how affirming it felt to see myself with breasts. I think it's quite normal and natural that fully understanding and embracing our gender identity and expression can take a lifetime. There's no set schedule, no one right path to follow. It's wonderful that you've connected with a therapist as well, whom I hope will be a valuable support to you. I'm also hopeful you'll find the community here at Trans Pulse warm and supportive. We're all looking forward to getting to know you!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[KayC]

Hi Eric!  nice to meet you and Welcome!
Thank you for sharing so much in your Introduction.  You already seem to have a high level of self-awareness and you ask really good Questions.  I think you are going to get a LOT out of your therapy sessions since you are willing to express your true feelings.  Your therapist will really appreciate that too.
 

10 hours ago, Knoxd68 said:

Not once, until I was 47, did I ever think about my gender identity. But after my mother passed away, as sad as I was, I felt this strange sense of liberation and with that feeling of freedom, I began to think that maybe I was truly female after all.

I really connect with this.  While I crossdressed as a teenager and I knew I had "feelings" that I assumed were "normal", my gender identity laid dormant for most of my adult life.  It was actually after my mother's passing also that I went through a several months of depression and then came out on the other side with this (not-so) new realization that I was somebody else, and she was looking back at me in the mirror. 

I think you will find many shared experiences here in the Forum and as @Carolyn Marie said are all as different as we are similar.
Hope you have a great therapy session (and many more) as you start your journey ... from this day forward❣️

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Eric.  Nice to meet you.

 

You might be less unconventional than you think.  I am glad to hear that you are going to see a therapist.  That is a great way to unravel the tangle that we late transitioners find ourselves in.

 

I know someone who identifies as bigender.  She was AMAB, but presents either as male or as female depending on circumstances.  I use the feminine pronouns because it is in her female persona that I know her best.  And because, as time goes on, she seems to be progressing more towards the female end of the spectrum.  She has openly cross-dressed for decades, and in the last few years, she has recognized herself as being on the trans spectrum.

 

She is out at work (she is in the military), and often wears female uniform to work, with the full blessings of the chain of command.  She has told me that she is leaning towards presenting as female full-time at work.  Her wife is not as understanding as the brass, and she has to present male at home.

 

I tell you her story because it illustrates how being bigender can be either a stable long-term identity, or it can be a progression towards a full transition.  In other words, it is whatever you make of it.  I hope that your self-exploration with your therapist is fruitful and helps you to understand yourself better.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Charlize]

Welcome Knox.  Very much, like you, i have had gender issues from childhood.  I did my best to "man up" but issues kept coming back.  I was working on the construction of interstate highways and dressing in secret.  I spent all of my working life in the trades where a degree of "tough" was required.  I enjoyed the work and still do despite changing my gender.  I love the look of disbelief as i climb out of the dump truck.  Being a butch, grown up tomboy fits me just fine.  

I'm going on 50 years of marriage and my wife and we had difficulty when i went full time about 9 years ago.  @ 72 my sex drive has mostly faded and a long term relationship certainly takes a bit of the bloom from the rose.  I have never had a relationship with a male.  I have not had to find a partner for years.  When i transitioned i worried that my wife couldn't accept me.  I fact over time i've found our relationship stronger.  

Therapy and time here helped me.  We are all on our own paths.  Time and support with others who understand certainly helps with the bumps.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Elizabeth Star]

Hi @Knoxd68. Like many others I saw something in myself long, long ago but life got in the way. My identity issues resurfaced (with a freakin' vengeance) when I was 43 after I banned my mother from having any opinions or say-so in my life decisions.

 

I don't see any issue with masculine women who like guys. Seems pretty normal to me. Not quit the same but my wife would be happy if that's who I was but no, she got long hair, lipstick and skirts.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Eric,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

You definitely fit into our community.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[Gabriel]

18 hours ago, Knoxd68 said:

I feel that what I am becoming is a butch MtF with a primary attraction to men.

 

Hi Eric, and welcome!

 

Even though I'm going in the opposite direction, I relate to a lot of what you are going through.

I'm 46 and began questioning my gender about two years ago. At first didn't even know the terms of what I was looking for. In time I felt like I could be genderfluid, then evolved to feeling like maybe bigender or nonbinary. Now I know I'm transmasculine. It was a process of peeling out layers. Each layer let me see deeper into myself. Obviously, that doesn't need to be the same for you - nonbinary and bigender are totally end of journey for many.

Fact is, I am not a masculine man, nor I think I'll ever be. I'm attracted to men, wich made my figuring out myself confusing too. But at the same time, I do not feel at all like a masculine woman. I feel like a man with a healthy dose of feminine approaches to life.

 

I began my journey afraid to contact the local LGBT group for fear of not fitting into the comunity. Turns out I'm a gay trans man. Figures  

 

Like many will tell you in this forum, as they told me too, we trans people come in every shape and size. It is just about finding the feeling and expression that makes us comfortable and at peace with ourselves.

 

Looking forward to getting to know you

[Heather Shay]

Welcome you have found a home and friends. Glad to meet you.

[Knoxd68]

Thank you all so much for the wonderful welcome. I appreciate your words of support and encouragement. Sometimes this journey can be so scary but it is moments like reading your posts that I'm filled with excitement and hope. Thanks again and I so look forward to getting to know as many of you as possible. That's me as of now who knows how I a few years into the future, but it will probably involve lots of wigs. 

[Vanessa Michelle]

Hey @Knoxd68and welcome to the group!! Thanks for sharing your story as well! This is a great place to process and get to know who you are and make new friends too! I am middle aged as well and have been questioning if MtF or bigender is me. So great to have you here!! ❤️