What Do You Think?

[Guest Colin]

Well, for the first time in my life, maybe i'm admitting what everyone else had always suggested; that I was meant to be male. For most of my life, i've had short hair, and been called "sir", "he", etc.. I have had relationships, only with females, and although they identified as lesbian, I related to them as a male. This was easier with someone who prefers a butch female, but the fact remains, I never felt like a female in the ways I fit into the relationship. In my adolescent years, I gained a substantial amount of weight and bound my breasts. I'd look in the mirror, praying to find facial hair and except for school uniforms, have always dressed as a male. The times I tried to be more "female" were really humorous and I looked more like a drag queen. Other things about me are um, different as well. I do indeed have facial hair. Rough, coarse dark hair that grows quickly and I shave daily. Mind you, I went through a course of electroloysis for a year or so in my attempt to be female and the hair has returned. I have a naturally deep voice and although i'm now of average size, am substantially stronger than any female of my size.

So I still don't know, even with all that evidence. I am now 40 and I think I would be too afraid to begin testosterone, because of the potential side effects. Then again, I live in ambiguity, because I am too afraid to take a stand on an identity. Middle age has its benefits and has led me to at least consider the possibility. Any thoughts?

[Guest Zenda]

Kia ora Colin, It's funny you should say that "looked like a drag queen" A lesbian friend of mine once said something similar- she said when she used to wear skirts or dresses people thought she was a man in drag... I cracked up when she told me this...she also mentioned some gay guys have come on to her with her handsome facial features and short hair they though she a gay 'pretty' boy.

On a more serious note it's never too late to affirm ones true gender identity I started to affirm mine in my mid forties and it sounds like you are already on your way...I would suggest finding a local gender counselor and having a chat with them...you have nothing to loose but a lot to gain...a new real you !..."Um mani padma hung"-The jewel is in the lotus ! What you seek you already are !

Metta Jendar

[Guest Sergei]

I can really relate to you collin. For all of my life I have also had this gender ambiguity. I have an extremely deep voice, am way stronger than any other biofemale I know, have coarse dark facial hair, and way too much body hair for a biofemale. I have also always dress in male clothes and felt comfortable with this.

I had my hair cut very short when I was 16, and after that whereever I went people thought I was male. This caused me a lot of embarrsment, especially if I was with friends who knew I wasn't. I always felt uncomfortable with myself. So at 18 I grew my hair back, really long, in an attempt to pass as female. You can see in my profile pic. The thing was that even with long hair I never felt female. I always saw myself as a man with long hair, and even when I look the pictures now I still see a man. The funny thing is the hair didn't help me pass as female. I felt the hair actually made things worse, because half the time I would pass as female, and the other half as male. Then there are them other even worse times when people don't know what you are, and they start with sir, and then correct themselves to miss, and then change their mind again to sir, and while they are stummbling around trying to make their mind up you just wish you could die.

This is where I now decided to take the matter into my own hands. I had my hair cut short again, and decided I would see what it felt like to live fulltime as male. The real life experience. I needed to get rid of the ambiguity and pick a side. If I didn't like being a man, my hair would grow back, and I would try something else. So I started the real life test, and this was when I knew that I was born the wrong gender.

Everything all of a sudden just seemed so right to me. I felt so much more comfortable socially, and privately within myself. At last I could be the person I was meant to be. I know all of this now, and this is before taking hormones. But obviously now I know this I feel the hormones are worth the side effects to me, and I am willing to take any heath risks because I have never been happier, and I can only see this feeling getting better and better the further my transition goes.

If you pass well, try out being a man, and see if it works for you. Then if you like it think about things like hormones later. If you don't like it you haven't lost anything. Hope you work everything out.

Best wishes

Sergei

[Guest Colin]

I know its been awhile, but I finally got around to posting a recent photo and I wonder if I might ask opinions...do I look male or female? Thanks!!!

I can really relate to you collin. For all of my life I have also had this gender ambiguity. I have an extremely deep voice, am way stronger than any other biofemale I know, have coarse dark facial hair, and way too much body hair for a biofemale. I have also always dress in male clothes and felt comfortable with this.

I had my hair cut very short when I was 16, and after that whereever I went people thought I was male. This caused me a lot of embarrsment, especially if I was with friends who knew I wasn't. I always felt uncomfortable with myself. So at 18 I grew my hair back, really long, in an attempt to pass as female. You can see in my profile pic. The thing was that even with long hair I never felt female. I always saw myself as a man with long hair, and even when I look the pictures now I still see a man. The funny thing is the hair didn't help me pass as female. I felt the hair actually made things worse, because half the time I would pass as female, and the other half as male. Then there are them other even worse times when people don't know what you are, and they start with sir, and then correct themselves to miss, and then change their mind again to sir, and while they are stummbling around trying to make their mind up you just wish you could die.

This is where I now decided to take the matter into my own hands. I had my hair cut short again, and decided I would see what it felt like to live fulltime as male. The real life experience. I needed to get rid of the ambiguity and pick a side. If I didn't like being a man, my hair would grow back, and I would try something else. So I started the real life test, and this was when I knew that I was born the wrong gender.

Everything all of a sudden just seemed so right to me. I felt so much more comfortable socially, and privately within myself. At last I could be the person I was meant to be. I know all of this now, and this is before taking hormones. But obviously now I know this I feel the hormones are worth the side effects to me, and I am willing to take any heath risks because I have never been happier, and I can only see this feeling getting better and better the further my transition goes.

If you pass well, try out being a man, and see if it works for you. Then if you like it think about things like hormones later. If you don't like it you haven't lost anything. Hope you work everything out.

Best wishes

Sergei

[MaryEllen]

Hi Colin,

You look like a guy to me.

MaryEllen

[Flint]

You look like a guy to me.

[Guest GoldenKirbichu]

I didn't start off so definitive... but I can remember always feeling more masculine. Even as a kid I liked more masculine stuff... I went through the dinosaur and toy truck phases younger boys go through. Being in a highly religious and anti-trans setting, I suppressed my feelings, but I ended up being a very hideous masculine androgynous. One of my common nicknames at school was "The Beast" because of my body hair and my ambiguous gender...

Ehh... things felt so much better when I finally accepted my masculinity and the fact that I am a man.

[Guest Colin]

Thanks to all of you who responded. Its great to hear other's perspectives. GK, I especially relate to your experience, as I had my own nickname in my very religious high school: troll. Sure, it hurt, but it hurt more to have to "fit" into very rigid rules for appropriate dress and behavior and to know that even as I followed every single one to the letter, I still looked ridiculous. Any attempt by my parents to dress me as a little girl (before I had my say in it) made me look like a little cross dresser,lol. Luckily, we've gotten past all that and can come to a realization of who we really are. Aside from that though, although I am no longer attending church, I do hold on to many of the beliefs. I describe it as believing in what makes sense for me and finding a measure of comfort in a belief in something. Regardless, I struggle most with my own inner conflict about being something that doesn't follow the commonly accepted "rules" and I question why there are so many of us who feel this way; that we were born physically, the opposite gender. How do you come to terms with that?

I didn't start off so definitive... but I can remember always feeling more masculine. Even as a kid I liked more masculine stuff... I went through the dinosaur and toy truck phases younger boys go through. Being in a highly religious and anti-trans setting, I suppressed my feelings, but I ended up being a very hideous masculine androgynous. One of my common nicknames at school was "The Beast" because of my body hair and my ambiguous gender...

Ehh... things felt so much better when I finally accepted my masculinity and the fact that I am a man.

[Guest GoldenKirbichu]

GK, I especially relate to your experience, as I had my own nickname in my very religious high school: troll. Sure, it hurt, but it hurt more to have to "fit" into very rigid rules for appropriate dress and behavior and to know that even as I followed every single one to the letter, I still looked ridiculous. Any attempt by my parents to dress me as a little girl (before I had my say in it) made me look like a little cross dresser,lol. Luckily, we've gotten past all that and can come to a realization of who we really are. Aside from that though, although I am no longer attending church, I do hold on to many of the beliefs. I describe it as believing in what makes sense for me and finding a measure of comfort in a belief in something. Regardless, I struggle most with my own inner conflict about being something that doesn't follow the commonly accepted "rules" and I question why there are so many of us who feel this way; that we were born physically, the opposite gender. How do you come to terms with that?

I've been an atheist for a long time... *shrugs* I think the environment made me one faster. I'm not going to bash anyone's beliefs though, I just... don't have them. But if they make you happy, and don't hurt anyone, who am I to take them away?

I looked a lot like a crossdresser at school. My awkward, androgynous frame, swaddled in clothes that were neither masculine nor feminine... I looked roughly like an anthropomorphized potato sack. My long hair didn't help matters and I usually just used it to hide my face. Couple that with my awkwardly deep voice and my complete lack of social skills, and it becomes easy to see why I was verbally abused for a few years and was pretty much bullied for my entire elementary school career.

In coming to terms with my body... I'm a very scientific man, and I have long loved the physical and natural sciences. I turned to biology for an explanation for my feelings. I discovered what body sex is, and what makes one sex look the way it does. I realized... all humans have the same body parts, regardless of gender... the interaction of hormones, chromosomes and genes serve to modify it from a neutral beginning. We technically have penises, and transwomen technically have vaginas... just heavily modified ones. Or to be more precise, everyone has the same set of basic blueprints for their genitalia, and hormones and genes work to change the shape over time into what we humans define a "vagina" or a "penis". It's far more complex than the black-and-white picture we love to paint.

[Guest kathy sue]

hi colin i have to say you look like a man to me.

i can relate to the bullying part of school even tho i was born male i never fit the mold and had very few friends and was the one that was picked on all the time from second grade til i finally quit, but that's all in the past now. it wasn't that i looked feminine at all, in fact just the opposite my beard started growing before almost every guy in my class and that was used against me to. i did not do any of the things the other boys did no sports hated p e and of course the girls rejected me cause i looked to male.

hey gk you sound like me as far as beliefs go but i consider myself as a seeker of truth or agnostic with atheist leanings, must be something more advanced spiritually than humanity.