CD Rachels journey and introduction

[CD Rachel]

A lot of the information here I had posted in a cross dressing forum that has been a great help to me during my struggles over the past year.

Hello my name is Rachel (ok not my given name) and I am 53 years old and can finally acknowledge, a cross dresser and something more.

I know from reading that here are many out there like me but I still sometimes feel overwhelmed, lost, and alone by my experience. Like many of you I started very young borrowing from my mothers or sisters clothes and trying them out when I could be alone. I continued cross dressing discreetly even after I got married at age 21. Eventually after 7 turbulent years of marriage it seemed the right time to come out to my wife. What a mistake, it was too much for her, she called me a freak and told me that she would only stay if I gave up cross dressing and got counseling for my problems. I stopped cross dressing and went to counseling for 4 months. That was over 25 years ago.

I started dressing again almost five years ago maybe more. I do not know what changed, why I started dressing again. But I often feel out of sorts. Lost? A sort of walking contradiction. I am 6 ft 4 inches tall and even though I know that I could never pass I so desperately want to. I have now realized that I am more than a cross dresser. I want more than just to look like a girl but I desire to be a girl.

I came out to my wife as a cross dresser again in 2019. She was more accepting this time but I do not think she understood it other than she thought that I just wanted to look pretty.

This past January 2020 I traveled for work as I often do, and I decided to take my secret desire to the next level. I purchased an estrogen product with the idea that it would lead to feminizing my body. When I returned home my wife had discovered the product and confronted me. She was angry and very upset. She told me she did not know who I was. Unfortunately I was home for less than a week and had to travel again for work. We agreed to seek marriage counseling when I came back.

While I was away again I promised myself to tell her the truth about everything and swore off of the pornography and cross-dressing. After being away for 4 weeks I returned home on March 12 2020.

My wife and I went to see a Christian counselor on March 16 and I admitted to her all about the pornography, and my desires to be more feminine. Unbeknownst to me she had searched my laptop and discovered browsing records and photos of myself dressed that I thought were deleted and she now knew about my pornography and desire to move further in changing myself. So after my full confession she told me either I had to get out of the house tomorrow or she will. So on March 17 I packed up what I could and moved out.

I had seen a Christian counselor for 6 months. I purged all of my cross dressing items and buzz cut my long hair. During this 6 month period I struggled to not view pornography or to cross-dress. The counselor tried to get me to give up cross dressing and transitioning desires by praying and bible study. He told me that whenever I thought of myself as a woman to envision myself as covered in excrement as this is how god would see me covered in sin.

But I was unable to overcome the feelings that I had for cross dressing and wanting to be a woman.  I began to feel helpless, hopeless, and worthless. I felt torn between two worlds one world that I would chose and the other that I cannot seem to escape from.

Between my destroyed marriage and the frustrating counseling sessions I seriously considered suicide. I made plans for it. If not for my daughter (she is 28) I feel that I would have actually done it. I know that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I expect that someday I will be happy again. It is just difficult to see it right now.

I decided to move on from the Christian counselor and saw someone else for the last 3 months who was more accepting about the CD / TG and worked with me more on my depression and getting through each day.

On December 3 my wife came over to my house to talk and told me she has decided not to pursue our marriage. She feels we are both moving in different directions and want different things. I am sure that she is referring to my CD/TG here and she tells me she is looking for a closer relationship with God. She had told me before that she married a man and did not want to be married to ?something else?. She says she has forgiven me but then says she does not believe me when I say that I have been faithful or that I love her and want to try to work on fixing our marriage.  I felt devastated and broken beyond belief.

Right before Christmas I felt like I was hanging by a thread. My depression had seemed to have a life of its own and I felt as if it were a roaring wind pulling me deeper down and removing my ability to think clearly. I had missed several days of work and was drinking far more than I ever would have normally. I finally listened to the advice that a forum member of the CD forums that I frequent had given me in a PM and I called my family doctor and told them what was going on and how I was feeling. I was told to come in immediately. After several long conversations with my doctor I was prescribed an anti depression medication and referred to see the clinics therapist.

medicine is a wonderful medication and coupled with a little therapy I have been feeling much better. I no longer feel like I am battling just to take my next breath. I feel that I have moved away from the abyss and no longer feel drawn to it.

And now I am here because I want to start exploring my gender identity and decide on if I want to take things further. I am scheduled for a consultation with a gender therapist and I hope between the forums and the therapist that I can find out who I am and where I need to be in order to live my life authentically and happily.

So please call me Rachel here. Hopefully she has finally found a place that she can belong.

 

Rachel

[Heather Shay]

@CD Rachel Welcome - I can understand your concerns and worries and struggles. I believe you will find a sanctuary here and a group of people like yourself who share the same struggles, might be able to share advice based on their experiences and are willin to LISTEN unconditionally to what you are going through and have had similar issues and understand.

Hang in there - we want you to feel comforted and accepted for who you are.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Rachel,

Welcome to Transpulse! I'm glad you're here!

 

It sounds like you're taking the right steps with gender therapy and joining the forums for support and understanding. The one thing I would advise against is taking any kind of hormone treatment without medical supervision. That can be dangerous, even life threatening.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[Jackie C.]

@Timber Wolf is absolutely right. Never take any medication or herbal supplement like that without a prescription from a doctor and under their supervision. Doing otherwise can really mess up your health and torpedo your chances of having a safe transition. Don't do that. We want you healthy and happy.

 

So that said, welcome to TransPulse!

 

I'm sorry to hear about your wife. I get it though. Some women are attracted to the person we pretend to be. When that starts to chip away, sometimes they find someone they're not attracted to underneath. I am very fortunate that my wife accepts me. Many of my trans friends are not.

It can be heartbreaking, but I understand their point of view.

 

So yeah, feel free to post, ask questions, etc... We're here for you.

 

Hugs!

[Gabriel]

Hi @CD Rachel, welcome!

 

I'm glad you are finally getting much needed support. 

You are ok, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. We'll be here to listen to you and answer your questions. There are wonderful people here with stories similar to yours. Share and ask away.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Transgender Pulse, Rachel.  Thank you for the detailed background and introduction.  Knowing where you're coming from helps us help you.  Please look around the forums and post questions and comments.  We'll be here for you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Audrey]

Welcome, Rachel - it's nice to meet you, and thank you for sharing such a deeply personal story as your introduction here. I know you'll find many people here to connect with and who can relate to your experiences, myself included. I'm sorry to hear that things have recently been so challenging for you emotionally, but really glad you've got the support of a great doctor, and soon a gender therapist. i'm hopeful you'll find the community here at Trans Pulse a valued resource as well, as you explore your gender identity and move into a new chapter of your life.

 

About your anxiety about not passing in the future - this is something I struggle with too and have shared about on other threads. I am fairly tall myself and have the build of a football player. At the same time, my wish to be a woman has never faded, no matter what I tried. Dysphoria ruled my life for decades. Yet, nothing other than embracing my identity as a trans woman and starting to transition. I'm happier in my own skin, which is something I haven't been able to say until then.

 

Looking forward to getting to know you!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Ivy]

Welcome Rachel. 
I can really identify with some of your story.  Sometimes “Christian” churches/counselors don’t really understand what is going on with us.    It took me awhile to realize that I wasn’t wanting to be with the woman, but to be the woman.

 It was only when I could get away from that world that I could accept myself and move on.

[Vanessa Michelle]

@CD Rachelwelcome!! So happy you're here!! ❤️

[CD Rachel]

 

Thank you all for the warm welcome. I hope to learn about others stories here and share my own so that together we can learn and grow. I look forward to the help and support that is available here and I hope to be able to help and support others as we take this journey together.

 

Rachel