Is questioning and doubt normal?

[Steph1982]

Hello, 

 

I've been struggling with gender as long as I can remember but through foruns, meeting others, and gender therapy (which I am still in) I have got to the point where I have accepted I am transgender. Took me awhile just to get to that point. 

 

So with that, I have began social and physically transitioning to a lesser level. I grew out my hair, I have a female style haircut and color, waxed eyebrows presenting feminine, change of clothing, came out to close friends etc. 

 

So now I have my hair removal starting next month but that triggered different feelings in me. It's not that I don't want my facial hair gone, I do 100%, but there's this small part of me that I'm like holding onto that feels like it's not right. It's not a feeling of what I personally want but more about as I become more feminine I am losing my ability in some sense to pursue women. It's so weird I know, but I was talking about it with my therapist as to why when I am around certain women I would like to pursue I almost revert back to male mode in a way. And it's not just a hyper-masculine front because that pursuing in a typical male role I do enjoy.  So this makes me bring into question am I really trans when al the other times I am confident I am female. The same goes with HRT. I have made 3 appointments now and have had them but never start because of those same apprehensive feelings. Feelings of doubt. But they only occur when I am taking more permanent, feminizing steps like hair removal, hormones. 

 

My therapist is having me hit the brakes and dive more into those feelings to see where they derive from but then I am feeling like no I don't wanna hit the brakes I have waited years just to get this point but at the same time I see what they mean by figuring out why I have those feelings so that I have no regret later. 

 

Are these feelings of doubt common? Have any of you experienced this and what did you do? Did you decide not to transition or put things off longer? To me, it seems that a very small part of me is still very male driven and that part of me makes me question my femininity and my transition.  My therapist and I also discussed how testosterone could also be impacting these feelings to a degree since it is currently my main sex hormone which makes some sense BUT then I see other trans and they have testosterone yet have no issues with laser hair removal or starting HRT. So it makes me wonder where my doubts are coming from and how to interpret what they are trying to tell me. 

[Jackie C.]

Maybe not exactly like that, but yes, questioning yourself is normal.

 

Here's the thing though: What makes you happy?

 

What do you need to do to feel comfortable in your own skin? If that means social transition, great! If that means you need to go on HRT? That's fine too. If you've got to have a dozen surgeries feel right? That's perfectly OK. I mean, expensive, but OK.

 

Like a friend of mine said, "You can go as far as you like, but you can't go back." Which isn't completely true, but it gets the point across. Do what it takes to feel comfortable in your own skin. Don't feel pressured to do anything you're not ready for. Take it slow until you know what you need.

 

Hugs!

[Mx.Drago]

Women have fur, fuzzies, the spikes and other, maybe not as thick or dense but it be there. That's why there are so many tricks, chemical, and other methods created to give the illusion of furlessness. Men, so long as they be well groomed, it's fine. But women it's like a mentally ingrained beaten image of being completely bare except for flowing, fro, or woven locs on top the head with fine eye brows and prominent eyelashes. Do wax, do plucking or thinning/lighten treatment, but that be all up to your comfort level. You don't need to straight remove your facial hair if you don't want to, look into Frida Kahlo, she worked it. The warpaint can be layered anyway, there always be solutions. In the end, it's always what makes you feel like you, whatever grants you peace in your earth bound vessel.

[Ivy]

Dr. Z PHD on youtube has some videos on this if it's any help.

 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8QNOIOoi63U0arTgU47vEQ

[Steph1982]

Good advice, thank you all. And yes, I love Dr. Z

[lauraincolumbia]

I hadn’t seen Dr Z’d videos.  They’re very good though.  I’ve subscribed to her.

Dr Z reminded me of Dr Zaius sketch when the Simpson’s were good:

https://youtu.be/M2E1m90YSpA
 

[lauraincolumbia]

PS, Or Not a PS, but I really struggle with my gender also, but haven’t yet found a therapist that’s helpful.

its a real struggle...

 

[Jani]

Since you have not started HRT as of yet this is most likely part of your desire for the "chase", i.e. the testosterone in you.  While you may (or might have) enjoyed it, is it a throwback to your male time.  Now realize that gender and sexuality are separate.  You can be feminine and like women.  Or be bi-sexual.  

 

As to being tentative about hair removal, well it appears this is one of your final steps and may be related to the issue above.  Some women like beards on men.  But not many women like other women with beards.  

 

Is this a question of whether you are "in the pool or not?"  Hanging at the edge sunbathing (looking pretty) without getting wet may indicate you might be a cross dresser who prefers to move between genders as you feel without fully committing to either gender.  No harm in that either.  Its your life, its your choice.  

[Audrey]

Dear @Steph1982, I do think some doubt is natural and I think it's wise to take a moment to explore what those feelings might mean for you. I might suggest that there may be some male and/or masculine aspects that you might have anticipatory grief about losing in some way. If that's true I also think that's understandable and natural too, and something to consider as you look at things like feminizing hormones and permanent hair removal. I don't think it means full stop, but if you're not at peace with those feelings you may face regret later with anything permanent like having breasts or facial hair that won't come back. My own experience with doubt is that it was what kept me from pursuing *any* transition at all for years, even though I was sure I was a binary trans woman for decades. Now I'm full speed ahead.

 

I did want to comment on what you said about dating and pursuing partners. While it's true that presenting as more feminine that you likely won't attract people the same way you're accustomed to. At the same time, I also believe that you will continue to attract people as friends and possible partners when you're living authentically. It'll be an adjustment for sure, and present you with challenges attracting the people who you're attracted to because they will see you differently. But it'll also build relationships with people who know all of you, and not just part of you (if that makes sense). Jackie Rabbit had a video on this topic, specific to how it relates to binary trans women if you're curious:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZJ6Mr5_kO8

 

As @Jani said, you can be feminine and be attracted to women. That's me, too. And a big adjustment for my partner, who I met before coming out and transitioning.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Steph1982]

Thanks everyone for your kindness and words from experience. I am sure as long as I keep true to me eventually the doubts will work themselves out. Also, happy new year!