Hello I'm Adrian.

[yoitsadrian]

I’m new to forums, so bare with me if this is too long. 
 

Hello, I’m Adrian. I’m in my mid thirties. I’m completely new to this, but I’m glad to find a place to talk to people like me. I was AFAB, ftm, trans man, the labeling is so new to me so I’m not positive what to call myself. 
 

I’ve known since I was a young child that something about me was different, but I never really understood why I felt so confused that I wasn’t a boy. I was a boy in my head all my life, but I went to Catholic school and am from a small town in Nebraska, so I guess you could say I was a little sheltered and not familiar with what transgender was or that it was even a thing until my teens. 

 

When I saw the movie Boys Dont Cry, I realized I wasn’t alone, however the tragic story struck a cord because it was about a trans man from a small town in Nebraska, so it instantly put fear in me that nobody would accept me, it was wrong, and I could be killed if I ever told anyone. So I just went on in life thinking eventually I will grow out of these feelings or perhaps I tried to convince myself what I was feeling wasn’t real. 
 

Since I never expressed myself and never knew anyone that was trans or really ever thought I fit the trans mold so to speak. So, trying to find myself was a challenge. I was attracted to women, girl crushes I called them, being with women as a women didn’t feel like what I was looking for. I didn’t feel like I was a lesbian, I didn’t even feel like I was a woman. Since society puts in your mind if you’re a girl you like boys, that was what I went to. I would think I liked someone, try to get to know them, wouldn’t feel chemistry so I’d bail. This was a continuing pattern throughout my twenties, I just thought oh, maybe he’s just not the one or something, but dating men or even sex just never felt natural to me no matter what I tried and it was never satisfying. So I can honestly say, I have never been in a serious relationship. 
 

Eventually I just gave up on dating because, I never knew who I was and it just confusing to me why I just couldn’t find what I was looking for. I tried so hard to convince myself nobody would accept me and there is nothing I could do about how I felt on the inside, I really felt like I was just broken or incapable of loving someone else. This led to years of depression and anxiety, because holding this secret and feeling like I was living a life that wasn’t truly my own wore on me. 
 

So, that brings me here today. I’ve officially “came out” to my closet friends and family and the warm reception I got was so rewarding and reliving. I’m not interested in putting this feeling away ever again. Now, I want to make up for lost time in a way, but there is so much I don’t know about that I’m hoping coming on here will help me understanding myself. I hope to find out more about others experiences and I just have so many questions. 
 

I’ve mentally started transitioning, I talk to my doctor next week about testosterone, I’ve cut my long hair off already, I’m tired of playing this character, this is all I’ve ever wanted. Oh, my birth name is Adrian, no intentions on changing it, now I just want to show who Adrian really is. God Bless! 

[Audrey]

Hi Adrian, it's nice to meet you and welcome to Trans Pulse! Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt and personal story in your introduction. It's wonderful to hear that you've received such positive support from your friends after coming out, and how exciting that you've got an upcoming appointment to talk about starting hormones. I relate to many aspects of your story as well, including questioning my identity at an early age, trying to conform to society's expectations, and struggles with depression and anxiety. I also remember seeing Boys Don't Cry when it was in the theater, it was maybe a couple years after I learned that there was such a thing as transgender. The movie, like many things that led me to wonder about my gender identity and expression, lingered with me for years until I finally embraced my authentic self just last year and began transition.

 

I'm confident you'll find the community here on the forums warm and friendly, happy to support and answer your questions. There are many people here who relate to and share your experience. We're all looking forward to getting to know you better!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Adrian,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

You're not alone anymore.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[Gabriel]

Hi Adrian, welcome!

So good to hear that your closest friends and family are accepting and supporting you. That makes a huge difference.

If you don't have one already, I would totally recommend you work with a gender therapist. They are a huge help - they definitely are for me.

 

Looking forward to hearing more about you

[DonkeySocks]

23 hours ago, yoitsadrian said:

I’ve known since I was a young child that something about me was different, but I never really understood why I felt so confused that I wasn’t a boy. I was a boy in my head all my life, but I went to Catholic school and am from a small town in Nebraska, so I guess you could say I was a little sheltered and not familiar with what transgender was or that it was even a thing until my teens. 

 

Welcome, Adrian!

I had a somewhat similar experience. I was in my 20s before I knew that transgender was much different from cross-dressing, and that there even was such a thing as a ftm transgender. I had difficulty labeling myself; in high school I thought, Am I a lesbian? That was the best I could do--I thought gay and straight were basically it. I'm a gay ftm, so in my teens, wondering whether I was a lesbian got me as far as, "Nope, I'm attracted to boys, so I can't be a lesbian," and then I'd drop the mental subject for a little while, meanwhile a lot of signs were there all along, and I knew more about myself than I was aware of knowing.

I hope you have a good experience exploring your identity and the way you present to others. Your uplifting experience coming out to your family makes me hopeful for my eventually having to come out to some family members I haven't felt safe sharing with yet.

[Vanessa Michelle]

Hey @yoitsadrianit's so nice to meet you and have you in the group!! Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I trust you will find this a safe place to explore your identity and meet some really great people you can relate to as we are all on a journey! God bless you and welcome!! ❤️