Starting out

[Caspian]

Hi everyone, my name is Caspian or Cas for short.  ? I'm 28 years old and have identified as nonbinary dor about 5 years now but recently have started to see myself as more transmasculine/ftm. I'm not sure if this is the right forum but I'm going to dive right in if that's alright. Sorry if this ends up being quite long or nonsensical.

 

I've only recently come out to friends and family, who have all been wonderfully supportive in a way I didn't expect, minus some awkward and trying moments here and there. I've seriously started considering social and physical transition within the past few months, and as excited as it makes me, I'm also kind of terrified. I'm afab, and I don't really pass as male, especially since I gained some weight last year (which I can blame stress eating over covid for). I've started trying to eat better and exercise, and I'm in a better mental place now where I can start to look more introspectively at myself and figure out what I want from life and where I wanna go. I experience alot of dysphoria, particularly top, face and hips related. A binder helps alot with this but I know it's only a, while appreciated, temporary sort of solution. 

 

The issue is that thought of so much change is very scary - I've always had problems with change and processing big life events. It's not necessarily the potential of all that is to come, it's more than I'm afraid of the commitments it will take. It's like I'm waiting for permission from some outside source, which is silly, because the only one in charge of me is me. I want this so badly. I have no doubt of that, but the depression part of my brain keeps trying to convince me I'd be better off staying where I am, that it's not worth it, that it won't really make me happy, that the kind of misery I've been living with is comfortable and safe and I should stay there. Which I know deep down is nonsense. The euphoria I get when I picture myself down the road, on t and after top surgery far outweighs the dysphoria. But still, I'm scared. I know it is a culmination of little changes over the course of time, not something that will happen overnight. I'm also afraid of acceptance from others - what friends and people at work will think. Which, again, logically I know doesn't matter. 

 

I've started looking into name change documents and processes, and researching t and planned parenthood, since thats likely where I would be going. I guess the point of this all is to ask if this is a normal sort of fear? Has anyone else had any similar experiences? 

[Audrey]

Hi Cas, it's nice to meet you and welcome to Trans Pulse! Thank you for sharing some of your story in your introduction. I'm confident you'll find others here who relate to and share your experiences, and this is a wonderful community to get support on so much related to gender identity, expression, and transition. I'm happy to read that your family and friends have been accepting of you, as well as about positive changes you've made related to taking care of yourself!

 

I'm fairly early into my own transition (MTF, binary trans woman) and I know I have anxiety too about things like passing, being safe, and if I'm . I think it's very normal to have anxiety about making the kinds of major life decisions that you're making. It sounds like you've done a lot of personal reflection already and giving careful consideration to what transition might mean for you and expressing your authentic self. I guess one question I have is, have you connected with a gender therapist? That can be a very helpful person to talk through your thoughts and feelings as you look ahead. I've found therapy so beneficial in so many ways.

 

I look forward to seeing you around the forums, and getting to know you better!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Jackie C.]

2 hours ago, Caspian said:

I'm not sure if this is the right forum but I'm going to dive right in if that's alright.

 

Close, but I went ahead and fixed it for you. Welcome to Transgenderpulse @Caspian! We're glad you're here!

 

Change can be scary, obviously. I mean we're just bopping along in our lane. We might hate it, but what if this next exit is even worse? I mean that's the premise of roughly a zillion horror movies. What if where we're going, the Hills have Eyes? You're probably safe from cannibal hill-folk though. Probably. I'm not sure where you live, but I've never seen one here. As far as I know anyway.

So yeah, that's a problem a lot of us face. You less than, say me because FtM's seem to vanish seamlessly into the crowd roughly thirty seconds (I may be exaggerating) after their first dose of T. There's still the whole "Ahh! Transgenders are weird and will never find jobs and probably die alone in a ditch!" thing to contend with. You'll find that most of us are perfectly normal quirky, yet functional adults who find a place in society. You'll also discover that, in the wild, most people don't give two figs that you're trans. The other thing I hear is, "but your privilege!" That doesn't apply in your case. You'll be trading up.

 

For permission... assuming you don't live in an informed consent state, you still need to get that from a gender therapist. Sorry. WPATH rules. You're absolutely right that the only person that can give you permission to be happy is you.

Personally, I've come to accept the notion that gender euphoria is more important in a transgender diagnosis than the dysphoria is. I didn't feel especially TERRIBLE as a male, but I didn't feel right either. That led to a whole flock of bad behaviors that I'll be regretting for a very long time. Opportunities missed, etc... I'm glad you're reaching for your dreams while you're still young. Had I felt this good when I was a teenager, you'd be referring to me as "Supreme Dictator Jackie C." by now. I would bask in your adulation as you silently loved and feared me. I'd be a benevolent dictator though and that's what counts. That's probably a joke. Probably.

 

So hey, again, welcome. Please feel free to join in as the mood strikes you. I'm certain one of our FtMs will be around when they can to welcome you to the party as well. We're glad you're here.

 

Hugs!

[Elizabeth Star]

Hi Cas, nice to meet you. 

[Ivy]

Welcome Cas.

[Mx.Drago]

Hello and Welcome Caspian!

I myself don't react well to big change, but it's better to try and work it out then be dragging yourself in the mud over it. A good pat on the back for good luck as you prepare for your journey. Plus you have your family there for extra support. I'm still keeping things on the hush round my folks, I'm also not quite at that point feeling I need to say anything to them.

I'm AFAB and consider myself a part of the bigender non-binary sort. I don't look very masculine and am 5'2". But definitely can at least pull off the androgenous look enough, since recently my mom joked at how I looked like my Uncle in a Zoom meet. Well ha, jokes on her cuz I think that's a step towards my goal and I care little for what she considers savoury. However, the depression part of the whole dyphoria thing for me is kinda always floating there in the background of my mind, like the Red Spot Storm on Jupiter. Someday it will get smaller and be less prevalent, but that's going to take awhile. I also am a very anxious person naturally, but I'm also very stubborn. When I want or need something, I will do what I need to get it myself, cuz if it's important those feelings of fear will have to be put on hold.

Sometimes it takes extra preparations to ready myself, mentally and physically, so I don't get stuck in a panic attack or go into a stunned mode. But fear is a part of the programming as humans, it both helps and hinders us as we live and learn to navigate this sometimes dangerous and unpredictable world. Everybody has their own specific limits of fear. It's important to learn and understand about those fears so you can better prepare yourself to make a work around, or a solution to assist in overcoming those fears. Your feelings are there for a reason, and are the only way our bodies can talk to us and tell us what's going on. You don't need to fight yourself or your fears but try to understand what's more important, the fear that gets you nowhere and leaves you in limbo or getting that thing you want done. Priority can be a good influencer to overwrite and keep your fears from taking over. Meditation, music, art and other calming activities can be done to help calm and focus you so you can do your tasks. Also an organized check list of your tasks helps reduce the chance of overwhelming yourself. Just remember to take things in pace and be patient, caterpillars need lots of time and food to prepare for the change into their final form. A healthy appetite helps keep the mind and body well fed, just don't forget to do a bit of exercising to help use them extra calories or get stuck carrying them. If only my personal mental baggage weight counted towards my exercise, sware my birthday suit counts as weighted clothing that just can't come off cuz it's on too tight. Just thinking of the relief and strength that will be achieved, when you finally break free from it. I believe you'll get there soon enough, stay strong. At least there this place to talk if you ever need words of advice or at least a friend. Glad to have you join us on this journey.

[Caspian]

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words and advice!! It really means alot to me that someone would take the time to empathize and respond. ? 

 

@Audrey, I've been thinking about looking for a gender therapist, but I'm not sure if my area actually has any I could go see. Planned Parenthood might be an option? I have a regular therapist for depression/anxiety/trauma issues, and as kind and competent as she is I don't think she could relate as closely to lgbt issues as an actual gender counselor would. 

 

@Jackie C., there's no cannibal monsters here (at least I've never seen one...) But I can relate to the gener euphoria thing. I don't feel god awful how I am right now, necessarily. There's okay days and bad days, but just the sheer happiness alone of people using my new name is enough to convince me when I start to doubt or get scared. 

 

@Mx.Drago, I really like what you said about fear leaving you in limbo or getting what I want done (right now at this very moment that satement applies to a nose piercing, but overall its a wonderful saying). That's part of my problem I think, is wallowing in a sort of indecisive limbo that leaves me no happier than when I was on that other side of starting to figure out what I want. And I can only swim in limbo for so long, you know? I'm also very stubborn and have absolutely zero patience for anything. I'm going to make a priority list, I think, and break it all down into tiny achievable sections to help me focus and decide what to do next. ?

[Vanessa Michelle]

@CaspianHi and nice to meet you! Welcome to the group!! This is definitely the right place to discuss FtM or any other trans-related issues! Thanks for sharing your story with us. I hope you feel at home here and I look forward to seeing more of your posts! ❤️

[Drayse]

Hi @Caspian

Welcome to the forums. ?