What am I getting myself into?

[Aggie1]

I have always been "different", all my life. I never felt comfortable hanging with the men at social gatherings, after work or after church. I felt attracted to women, but more as a woman than as a man. I experimented with cross dressing as a child every time I found myself alone. I never got the hang of the male role model. I must have asked over 100 girls out in college and got as many rejections. Finally met someone who said yes during officer technical training in the Air Force, and have been happily married for 40 years and have 3 grown daughters. However the feelings never went away, no matter how hard I tried. Retirement a couple of years ago gave me a lot time for reflection, with long walks with my dog. The pandemic gave me even more time and I yielded to the pressure to release the inner woman from bondage. At least it feels that way. Since December I have lived in my head the way I feel inside. A couple of weeks ago I painted my fingernails and took up rock painting as a hobby. I love it! I stop by break areas outside hospitals and drop off rocks with encouraging messages, like "Nurses Rock!" and also share them with delivery people, doggie break areas, etc. Once I had painted my fingernails I didn't want to take it off, and this is how I "came out" to my wife and daughters, who are supportive of my exploration. I'm active in several clubs, especially Toastmasters, and attend weekly meetings via zoom, and am getting inquisitive comments about the length of my hair. I just smile. I don't intend to cut it. It's the first time it's ever been this long, just over my ears, and I like it.

I made a call to OHSU, talked to an intake coordinator about counseling, and got an appointment with a counselor in a couple of weeks. No idea where this is going to lead. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder what sort of transformation is possible. I see others who who have done it and know it's possible. From an early I age I dreamed about what it would be like to be a woman, but then always suppressed it because of what others would think. I'm at a point in my life now that I don't want to "hide" anymore, and I have support from my family. I am anticipating this meeting with the counselor and a bit nervous about talking about HRT and what that is going to do to my body. I suspect there are others here who have gone through this same process. I don't expect my personality or my sense of humor is going to change much nor would I want them to, but I am a bit apprehensive about whether I will be able to completely pass and how long it will take.  

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, AgnesBardsie said:

this is how I "came out" to my wife and daughters, who are supportive of my exploration.

Hello @AgnesBardsie and welcome to the Transgender Pulse Forums. What a nice surprise to find you have the family’s support. Were you fairly confident they would accept you? This was by far one of the most stressful parts of my journey transitioning so how one prepares for this part of the coming out phase has always been an interest to me.

 

This kind of support will be so helpful. Having such a close ally along for the ride is uncommon this early in the game. You have been blessed.

 

I found that good communication between my spouse and I helped tremendously. She was always on the same page I was when I took the next step toward a milestone. I wish you the best on your continuing journey. Thank you for sharing here today. I look forward to reading more.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Aggie1]

My two youngest came out as bi in their late teens while we were attends very conservative church. My wife was always very supportive of them and helped them get through therapy. I was still in denial and it took me a few years to cut the umbilical cord, so to speak. We changed churches but my wife suffered from anxiety whenever patriarchal subjects were broached and she found an online community to support her. I found myself continuing to attend out of habit but not really a part of the church community. I stopped attending once the pandemic hit last year. 
 

It wasn’t really until December that I admitted fully to myself who I was and allowed my brain to relax and be comfortable with it. My behavior and mannerisms started to change, I shaved my beard,  and my family noticed and approved the new me. It has gradually evolved from there adding increments like shaving my arms and legs, painting my toenails, practicing voice lessons on YouTube while I’m walking my dog, etc. I haven’t ventured into clothing yet as I’m more concerned about making sure my brain and spirit are free to be me. Small steps I guess.

[Betty K]

Hi Agnes,

 

It's funny how a little thing like painting your nails can have such symbolic significance. I painted my toenails a few days ago and have not wanted to remove the polish ever since, even though the rest of my woman outfit has gone back in the closet. Every time I see my toes I feel hopeful. They have a magical sparkle.

 

Anyway welcome Agnes, and you have come to the right place. TransPulse has been invaluable to me, as I know it will be to you.

 

Enjoy your journey!

[Jackie C.]

Welcome @AgnesBardsie! Pleased to meet you!

 

Our stories are pretty similar up until the Air Force. I'm COMPLTETLY ineligible because of health concerns. Also kind of a hippie so that wasn't going to happen.

 

So anyway, advice: Don't worry about "passing." Look at the women around you (I mean really, really look at girls your age). How many of them have "masculine" features? Fitting in has more to do with your attitude than your appearance. I had bottom surgery, but who can really tell with my pants on. Besides that, the only things I did were to change my clothes and do some voice training (OK, a LOT of voice training). I fit in fine with the other girls.

 

Please feel free to post and join the conversation as the mood strikes you. We're glad you're here!

 

Hugs!

[Audrey]

Welcome @AgnesBardsie, it's nice to meet you and I'm happy you've joined the forums. I remember writing in my own introduction here not too long ago how the pandemic offered me the time and freedom to express myself in ways that were nearly impossible before. I began my own journey in the middle of last year and have The apprehension and uncertainty you feel about coming out and transitioning are very relatable. It's wonderful that you have the support of your family, and I'm hopeful that your upcoming meeting with a counselor goes well. I think I asked a million questions about starting HRT myself. The Trans Pulse community is also a wonderfully supportive place and helped me greatly in feeling connected to others especially now. I'm looking forward to seeing you around and getting to know you better!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, AgnesBardsie said:

I never felt comfortable hanging with the men at social gatherings

Hi Agnes! nice to meet you and Welcome!

WOW! how I identify with sooooo much of your story, from youth to now.  So many similarities and feelings.  The beginning of Covid was also the beginning of my next big steps which included finding this Forum/community and starting therapy.

I believe you will find gender therapy to be an oasis of safety and acceptance.  It has been such a huge part of my Self-Acceptance.
I'm really happy to hear your family is supportive also.  That is so critical. 

Hope to hear more from you and let us know how your first therapy session goes ...

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Ivy]

Welcome Agnes

Nails was one of the first things I did as well.  Funny how much such a small thing can do.

[Confused1]

11 hours ago, AgnesBardsie said:

My two youngest came out as bi in their late teens while we were attends very conservative church. My wife was always very supportive of them and helped them get through therapy. I was still in denial and it took me a few years to cut the umbilical cord, so to speak. We changed churches but my wife suffered from anxiety whenever patriarchal subjects were broached and she found an online community to support her. I found myself continuing to attend out of habit but not really a part of the church community. I stopped attending once the pandemic hit last year.

 

Hi Agnes, Welcome to TransPulse.

 

I'm happily married for 40 years myself. My wife has had some anxiety over the church as well. We still go to the same church and did not stop for the pandemic, but my revelation has changed our church relationship.

 

I think you could benefit from a gender therapist. It helped me. I also had prostate cancer causing me to be on a hormone suppressor. I saw nothing but complaints about ADT on all the PCa forums I have been on, but I have very much enjoyed it. Maybe it is because they are cis-men? It made me realize how much I never want testosterone again! You might have the same experience on HRT.

 

Hugs,

Mike

[Aggie1]

before I joined this group I only knew one mtf, the daughter of some friends from church, who had her excommunicated. Happy to say that after struggling on her own for several years she is now attending community college, looks absolutely gorgeous, and is getting too surgery in June. I reconnected with her on Facebook last week. I am feeling so much better having shed the garbagey doctrine I once struggled with.

 

also very glad to share my thoughts in a totally nonjudgmental forum. I AM NOT ALONE!! I read the stories about how some of you struggled with church relationships and have not lost your core beliefs and I find this immensely comforting. It gives me hope.

[Bri2020]

OSHU is a very reputable place so I'm sure you will be in good hands there and they can help guide you on the journey. I agree with the "don't worry about truly passing".  Honestly since being on HRT for 5 months and living true I don't worry about that much anymore.  Having fam that supports you is a god send.  With that you can accomplish anything.  

[Betty K]

14 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

Don't worry about "passing."

 

I too worry about this, a lot. At 6”2 with a flamboyant dress sense I fear I will never pass. But part of me rebels against the entire idea of passing. I’m not doing this to be society’s idea of a woman; I’m doing it to be me. Still, safety concerns. And I dread being laughed at. I know many women here have put a lot of effort into passing; do you really think it’s ok not to worry about it Jackie?

 

[Ivy]

1 hour ago, Betty K said:

do you really think it’s ok not to worry about it Jackie?

I can't speak for anyone else, but as much as I would like to "pass", I can't let that keep me from living my life as much as possible as who I am.  Admittedly, it's not always easy, but I don't want to live my life in fear.

[Drayse]

Hi @AgnesBardsie

 

Welcome to the forums. You look like you'd make a remarkable older lady, so I don't think passing is going to be a huge concern.

 

And HRT. What can I say about it. If you're trans binary it will feel like a godsend, if you're trans nonbinary maybe not so much,and if you're gender fluid it might be the worst thing ever. All the above is grossly generalized though so I offer this shaker of salt. All that I know is that within days I knew that HRT was the only right choice for me. You will probably know soon one way or another as well.

 

Again, welcome. ?

[Vanessa Michelle]

@AgnesBardsie Welcome to the group sister!  Yes, this is a great place to share your journey with others who will not judge you and will encourage and support you. Many of us are also from a church background as well and have stayed with our faith communities or moved to affirming ones. I am also a Christian and have no conflict with my trans identity and my faith in God. We also have a Christian forum on here as well to discuss those things. Again, welcome and thanks for sharing with us! ❤️

[Confused1]

I am non binary and gender fluid. Losing testosterone was one of the best things that ever happened to me. YMMV

 

As to the being too tall to pass, I have a story to tell. About 30 years ago, a company I worked for gave all of the management group a short vacation at Opryland and a stay in the expensive hotel. This was long before I knew I was transgender. Anyway, I was on Bourbon street with another coworker who was 6'2"' tall. When we walked out of a bar, we ran into a lady that made my coworker look short. All I can say is my coworker wanted to go home with her. I can't tell you if she was cis or not, but she was beautiful. All women feel inferior somehow. At 6'2" you can pass just fine.

 

Hugs,

Mike

[Jackie C.]

11 hours ago, Betty K said:

I know many women here have put a lot of effort into passing; do you really think it’s ok not to worry about it Jackie?

 

Really and truly. Seriously, "passing" is about attitude. Once you relax and accept who you are, people will treat you like a woman. While I put in some effort to look pretty day-to-day you've seen what I wear to the gym (hop over into the "what are you wearing today" thread if you haven't). I'm 5'11", bald, have no figure to speak of, no butt and no breasts. Nobody even gives me the side-eye in the lady's room. I'm just one of the girls.

Don't worry about passing because you're a woman. You pass. Whatever that means.

 

Hugs!

[Betty K]

6 hours ago, Confused1 said:

As to the being too tall to pass, I have a story to tell.

 

Hi Mike, you have just reminded me of something that happened to me 20 years ago. I was on holiday in the States and walking down a probably not well-lit backstreet in Denver when four younger men walked towards me, one of whom wolf-whistled at me. I was wearing a ski-jacket, tight jeans, sneakers and my head was shaved; in other words I wasn't trying to look feminine at all. His friends immediately said, "Dude, that's a guy!" and we all laughed. But I guess for a moment someone had seen the other me.

 

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

I'm 5'11", bald,

 

You go to the gym bald?! Girl, you have balls (figuratively speaking). Thanks Jackie, you're an inspiration. x

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Betty K said:

You go to the gym bald?! Girl, you have balls (figuratively speaking). Thanks Jackie, you're an inspiration.

 

I wear a variety of cute headscarves to match my outfit because I'm self-conscious, but yeah. Not an active hair follicle anywhere on my body. People see me and think "woman who had cancer." Usually I correct them and say, "woman who has alopecia universallis." Can't let it keep me indoors.

 

Hugs!

[Betty K]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

alopecia universallis.

 

And do you actually have alopecia universallis?! If so that's kind of a lucky break, I'm thinking, since I've been looking into electrolosis and it frankly gives me the willies.

 

And oh yeah, I have seen that photo of you going to the gym. I have lurked around many of the dark halls of TransPulse.

[Jackie C.]

I do. On the one hand, yeah it saved me a fortune on getting the rest of my body done. On the other hand, my natural hair was gorgeous and I didn't used to have my eyebrows tattooed on. Also I miss having eyelashes. You take eyelashes for granted.

 

I get what you mean about electrolysis. On the one hand, it gets rid of hair. On the other hand ELECTRIC ACID NEEDLES!!!

 

Hugs!

[Betty K]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

ELECTRIC ACID NEEDLES!!!

AAAAARGH!

 

But yeah, eyebrows tattooed on sounds rough. And I love eyelashes!

[Jackie C.]

The tattooing wasn't so bad. You look WEIRD without eyebrows though. There's a lovely woman in the town next door that does makeup tattooing. She did my eyebrows for me and they look great. Unless you get really close, they look real. I was thinking about getting her to do my eyeliner, but the idea of a needle that close to my eyeball makes me die a little inside.

 

So yeah, there's an upside, but I'd rather be spared (another) autoimmune disease. I'm rocking it though. ?

 

Hugs!

[Betty K]

I was just thinking you must get a lot of sweat in your eyes x

 

 

[Jackie C.]

Nah, the gym is cold as all get out and I wear a sweatband under my scarf if the scarf itself doesn't have one built-in. I thought of that. ?

 

Hugs!