What am I getting myself into?

[Aggie1]

Well, that was interesting! I'm the past president of a Toastmasters club, Professionally Speaking, and we just had our Speech Evaluation Contest this morning. Several "dignitaries" were called on to pontificate on the meaning of life and the Toastmaster of the Day called on me at the end to say a few words in 30 seconds about what I would want the world to know about me after reflecting on my life. Big topic! Short speech! I took the opportunity to sort of "come out" to the club. I talked about retiring 2 years ago, walking my dog for a living and taking the time to reflect on my life. Using the extra time the pandemic has given me to do even more reflection. Then putting out there the notion that I'm unique, we're all unique, and we exist on a spectrum. Nothing is black and white. There are many shades of gray in the world. And that's ok. This will give me a springboard when I'm one of the 3 speakers at next week's meeting to come out a little more.

I intend to give a speech about conflict management and will weave in some themes about internal conflict that manifests itself in outward conflict and how this has an impact on the narrative arc of our lives.

This is going to be FUN! 

[Kiera]

On 2/2/2021 at 5:40 PM, Betty K said:

 

I too worry about this, a lot . . I know many women here have put a lot of effort into passing; do you really think it’s ok not to worry about it Jackie?

 

 

       Betty, I suppose it depends on who your trying to impress, your sole purpose in transitioning? Do ya just need to express your "feminine side", the "authentic you", or perhaps not be so LQBTQ and simply more "desirable" toward men in general? When in high school I had a best friend who I felt truly loved me but, unfortunately, he was gay and,  being 'inexperienced', I was not at least not in the way he wanted me to be. And it did not end well, he was very hurt although we did keep contact, remain friends (I was very close to his brother & parents too) . . 

 

      Fast forward 45 years and why I now feel so attached to attending  a "men's church group" for over a year now is totally beyond me! While 'medically' transitioning for a long time now am still not explicitly, 'socially out' but perhaps DO get the impression that they're attempting to drag "a confession" out of me? One of the younger ministers, Steve, KNOWS of my trans history due my divorce 10 years ago so feel accepted, gets 'hugs' from him all the time, so time I finally break my silence?

 

Am such a COWARD, do not wanna ruin a good thing? But but . . don't they already know?

 

       I start with Dr Powers next month, am off his wait-list and just waiting for new medical docs. In going to a more supervised, FULL TRANSITION dosing am hoping I'll gain more confidence FROM THEM, my church associates (and God?), that I am indeed doing the right natural thing for me?

[Betty K]

1 hour ago, Kiera said:

Betty, I suppose it depends on who your trying to impress, your sole purpose in transitioning? Do ya just need to express your "feminine side", the "authentic you", or perhaps not be so LQBTQ and simply more "desirable" toward men in general?

 

Hey Kiera, I was just thinking about you earlier -- was gonna write to you about that NovaGirls site, but I'll save it for the other thread.

 

For me transitioning isn't about impressing anyone. As regards men, I would like to have some more of the right equipment (ie breasts) if I'm going to continue these sexual encounters, but I am utterly fascinated with breasts anyway so that's certainly not the only reason. I would say it's far more about being "the authentic me", but with the caveat that I suspect there isn't just one authentic me. I was thinking about this after reading a blog-post on the NovaGirls site: I don't think I have always been a "woman trapped in a man's body". I think I have been genderfluid, at times more masculine and at other times (like now especially) more feminine. And I am slightly worried that, should I transition, I will sometimes miss my man self and wish for him back again.

 

But that's got nothing to do with passing. Passing, for me, is purely about safety. Being a loner who has always enjoyed the freedom and confidence to walk around alone at night, live alone, travel alone, etc, it terrifies me to think that I may be painting a big target on myself and inviting people to harrass me. Increasingly, though, I think if I'm going to do this I have to do it loud. So maybe I don't pass as a woman, so what? I'm not a woman, not an ordinary woman anyway. I'm special. We're all special. Have you seen the Netflix documentary Disclosure? There is a scene near the end where a proud father says that having a trans child is like having a unicorn in the house. Omg I was bawling. A unicorn! If only someone had said that about me as a child -- about all of us. I'm a unicorn. And I want to be proud of it; I don't want to hide it.

 

1 hour ago, Kiera said:

Am such a COWARD

 

You're not a coward Kiera, no way. You're single in a small town. You go to church! (I've never been in a church, but the idea of being trans in one scares me nonetheless.) No-one who would put themselves through transition, especially alone, is a coward. I'm so impressed with every single person on this site.

 

It's a difficult question though, isn't it? If you are transitioning for your own sake then maybe it doesn't matter if you come out to your church group? But I guess we not only want to be who we really are, we want to be seen as we really are.

[Betty K]

21 hours ago, AgnesBardsie said:

Then putting out there the notion that I'm unique, we're all unique, and we exist on a spectrum. Nothing is black and white.

 

Bravo! That sounds beautiful Agnes, well done.

 

21 hours ago, AgnesBardsie said:

This is going to be FUN!

 

So inspiring! I can't wait to hear the sequel.

[Kiera]

1 hour ago, Betty K said:

Hey Kiera, I was just thinking about you earlier -- was gonna write to you about that NovaGirls site, but I'll save it for the other thread.

 

LOL Yes, please DO! Know many women must 'ave fantasy 'bout "hookin' it", know my daughter does (did?)

 

Quote

I think I have been genderfluid . . am slightly worried that, should I transition, I will sometimes miss my man self and wish for him back again . . Passing, for me, is purely about safety.

I'd describe myself as "genderfluid" as well, in the sex sense at least -> "if with a woman be a man" otherwise . . lol?

[Aggie1]

2 hours ago, Kiera said:

d describe myself as "genderfluid" as well, in the sex sense at least -> "if with a woman be a man" otherwise . . lol?

These thoughts crossed my mind too when I let Agnes out. Especially being married for forty years. I would like a vagina. I tuck every day and haven’t stood to pee in a couple of months. I wasn’t sure what my wife’s reaction would be to my coming out but immensely relieved to hear her use words like thrilled when discussing it with my middle daughter who also expressed her approval. “You’re really happy now aren’t you?” She said. I can’t tell you how happy that comment made me feel. Back to the vagina. I still have a desire to be made love to but I have no idea how my wife will do that. Is that crazy?

[Betty K]

1 hour ago, AgnesBardsie said:

I still have a desire to be made love to but I have no idea how my wife will do that. Is that crazy?

 

Not crazy at all Agnes. I have been discussing just that scenario with another lady here, whose wife has had great success making love to her. Read up on how lesbians do it. Research! If you're wife is thrilled (which is so touching btw) then I totally think it's on the cards. Who knows, maybe she was getting bored of the old equipment too!

[Jackie C.]

4 hours ago, AgnesBardsie said:

Back to the vagina. I still have a desire to be made love to but I have no idea how my wife will do that. Is that crazy?

 

Fortunately, you live in a world where toys exist that allow a woman to strap on a perfectly good penis substitute and pleasure her partner. My wife is working up to being comfortable with that. In the meantime, fingers and tongues work wonders. There is a learning curve though. So yeah, communication.

 

Hugs!