It's taken my whole life to get to this point. I have realized I am a woman trapped in a man's body.

[Joannie]

Hi Everyone.

I have taken my whole life to get to this point.  At the age of 62,  I have finally realized I am a transgender woman.   When I was a child I was always hanging out with my sister's friends.  I didn't have any other friends until I went to grade school, and they were usually girls as well.  I never liked sports, I loved to play with my sisters dolls and use her easy bake oven.  I learned how to sew, and cook from my mom, yet I never even considered I wanted to be a girl.  Fast forward to my teen years and I realized that I was attracted to men, even though I knew many girls I felt of them more as sisters than anything.   I made the mistake of telling a male friend about my feelings, and he decided to tell everyone who I knew, that I was gay.  My life in high school turned into a lonely existence, as most of my friends abandoned me and wanted nothing to do with me.  My grades dropped, my parents got involved and then I told them I thought I was gay because I was attracted to men.  They ended up getting very religious in order to "save me" and I ended up being closeted for the next 15 years.  I finally came out again in the early 90's after the AIDs epidemic has passed and I thought it might be safe.  I had several relationships and had a long term relationship with a man for 16 years until he died of cancer in 2016.  And through all those years, I never really felt comfortable with my being labeled as Gay.  I didn't know why, yes I liked men, but something wasn't right. I wasn't sure what it was, other than I felt I wasn't genuine, that I was faking it as a man.  I assumed because I was closeted at most employers, and that was making me feel this way.  Every time that I would feel feminine, i would just say, oh that's a Gay thing, and just dismiss it.

This year with the pandemic,  I haven't been busy at work, and had a lot of free time to reflect on my life, and why I am usually unhappy and unsatisfied with myself.   I began to research my feelings and began to realize that I'm really a transgender woman, and even though I look like a man, it's not who I am inside.  I wasn't gay after all,  and I wasn't a man either.  It was a relief for me to finally figure this out, and since then I have been consumed by these thoughts.  I feel like I have wasted so much time, that I could have transitioned years ago if I had only stopped to think, instead of denying my feelings and my reality.  So where do I go from here?  I have applied to begin  HRT, and have been doing everything I can to begin the process of feminizing this old man, into a younger feeling mature woman.  I know I won't look like a beauty queen,  but at 6'2" I know for sure I will stand out in a room of people, and that does make me a little nervous.  At this point, I am ready to do whatever it takes for a successful transition.  It took my entire life to get to this point, and I don't want to waste any more time as an unhappy male.  I am sure there will be many issues,  I know the loss of "male privilege" will be a big change.  I am retiring at this end of this year,  so I am not going to have to work harder at a job, that pays less, because I am a woman.   I think I will be happier and better off as being who I really am, even if I am a late bloomer.  (I have skipped a ton of things, like my occasional crossdressing, and my love of panties and pantyhose too.)

 

Joannie M.

[Kiera]

     Hey Joannie WELCOME! Am 6'0", always trying to lose weight and be more slender (like my grandmother?) but Am Proud to Be,  wouldn't 'ave it any other way! I used to get bullied in the Jr High locker room, actually had a "hero" one day stand up for me (told them to "back off") but never did know his name!

[Betty K]

4 hours ago, Joannie said:

And through all those years, I never really felt comfortable with my being labeled as Gay.

 

Hi Joannie, welcome. I really relate to this. I have only accepted that I am transgender recently, and for me it has been accompanied by a sudden sexual awakening: after being/behaving like a hetero male for most of my 47 years, I suddenly feel more like a hetero woman, and I don't think "gay" is the word for it. I have wondered if this is partly internalised homophobia, stemming from the fact that I was bullied for many years at school for supposedly being gay. But I also feel it is just incorrect. I try not to care too much when one of the few people I have come out to calls me gay; I know to them it must be hard to suddenly imagine I'm a woman (tbh it's hard for me sometimes too). But I do care, I'm not sure why.

 

Oh, and I'm 6"2 as well, and love high heels. Am I scared of standing out? You bet I am. I bought some 2" heels the other day for daytime public appearances, but so far that's as low as I'm willing to go.

 

So glad you discovered TransPulse Joannie, it's a really great place.

 

 

 

 

[Jackie C.]

6'2" isn't so tall. I have a friend (a 5'3" friend) who INSISTS that tall women are hot. Especially in heels. I'm starting to see her point.

 

So yeah, welcome to Transgenderpulse! Please join in the conversation as the mood strikes you! We're glad you're here!

 

Hugs!

[Drayse]

Hi @Joannie

Another out late but great trans woman. Welcome to the club! ? I suspect that it's pretty common for women like us to have a visceral understanding that we're women but we keep pushing it away due to systemic and individual transphobia. How some girls figured it so young back in the day still amazes me.

 

While I'm not 6'2" I am 6' so I feel unnaturally tall even in shoes with a slight bit of heel. Unfortunately I can't find a decent set of women's heels in my size where I currently live. So I can't even attempt it. ? That said, just think "Glamazon*" when you are out in your heels. ?

 

Welcome to Transpulse. I hope to see more of your postings in the future.

 

*Word stolen from an older trans woman YouTuber I follow

[Audrey]

Welcome @Joannie, it's nice to meet you. I think you'll find many of us here relate to the experience of understanding ourselves over a lifetime. Like you, I spent years rejecting what I knew to be true all along. But, it's never too late to start living authentically. The community here is wonderfully supportive and has been so valuable during my transition. Looking forward to seeing you around and getting to know you!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Ivy]

Welcome Joannie

[Vanessa Michelle]

Hello @Joannie and welcome to the group! Thanks for sharing your story with us as well! ❤️

[Sandra6sandy9sand]

Hi Joanie and welcome. As you have a chance to look around here you’ll find this place very friendly. Looking forward to hearing more from you.

 

Hugs

 

Sandra

[SheenaT]

On 2/1/2021 at 8:18 PM, Joannie said:

Hi Everyone.

I have taken my whole life to get to this point.  At the age of 62,  I have finally realized I am a transgender woman.   When I was a child I was always hanging out with my sister's friends.  I didn't have any other friends until I went to grade school, and they were usually girls as well.  I never liked sports, I loved to play with my sisters dolls and use her easy bake oven.  I learned how to sew, and cook from my mom, yet I never even considered I wanted to be a girl.  Fast forward to my teen years and I realized that I was attracted to men, even though I knew many girls I felt of them more as sisters than anything.   I made the mistake of telling a male friend about my feelings, and he decided to tell everyone who I knew, that I was gay.  My life in high school turned into a lonely existence, as most of my friends abandoned me and wanted nothing to do with me.  My grades dropped, my parents got involved and then I told them I thought I was gay because I was attracted to men.  They ended up getting very religious in order to "save me" and I ended up being closeted for the next 15 years.  I finally came out again in the early 90's after the AIDs epidemic has passed and I thought it might be safe.  I had several relationships and had a long term relationship with a man for 16 years until he died of cancer in 2016.  And through all those years, I never really felt comfortable with my being labeled as Gay.  I didn't know why, yes I liked men, but something wasn't right. I wasn't sure what it was, other than I felt I wasn't genuine, that I was faking it as a man.  I assumed because I was closeted at most employers, and that was making me feel this way.  Every time that I would feel feminine, i would just say, oh that's a Gay thing, and just dismiss it.

This year with the pandemic,  I haven't been busy at work, and had a lot of free time to reflect on my life, and why I am usually unhappy and unsatisfied with myself.   I began to research my feelings and began to realize that I'm really a transgender woman, and even though I look like a man, it's not who I am inside.  I wasn't gay after all,  and I wasn't a man either.  It was a relief for me to finally figure this out, and since then I have been consumed by these thoughts.  I feel like I have wasted so much time, that I could have transitioned years ago if I had only stopped to think, instead of denying my feelings and my reality.  So where do I go from here?  I have applied to begin  HRT, and have been doing everything I can to begin the process of feminizing this old man, into a younger feeling mature woman.  I know I won't look like a beauty queen,  but at 6'2" I know for sure I will stand out in a room of people, and that does make me a little nervous.  At this point, I am ready to do whatever it takes for a successful transition.  It took my entire life to get to this point, and I don't want to waste any more time as an unhappy male.  I am sure there will be many issues,  I know the loss of "male privilege" will be a big change.  I am retiring at this end of this year,  so I am not going to have to work harder at a job, that pays less, because I am a woman.   I think I will be happier and better off as being who I really am, even if I am a late bloomer.  (I have skipped a ton of things, like my occasional crossdressing, and my love of panties and pantyhose too.)

 

Joannie M.

? welcome

[Joannie]

It's almost a month later now, and I am still waiting to see a psychiatrist for a GDA certificate. I guess they are all really busy where I live, since I haven't even received a phone call for an appointment yet.  I am a bit disappointed, but, I can't really worry about something that is beyond my control for the moment.

[Jackie C.]

I've heard that it's basically a case of there not being enough professionals with the right credentials to go around. Now that being trans is less likely to get you chased out of town by a torch-and-pitchfork wielding mob, the system is finding itself a bit overloaded. They'll get to you as soon as they can sweetie. Keep the faith.

 

Hugs!