Not sure how I fit in, but I'm writing my story.

[Davie]

Not sure how I fit in, but I'm writing my story, a Transgender Biography, of sorts.

Old events and feelings come clearer as I write. I'm 72 so the events are cloudy.

I'll post it when I have a clearer picture. Reading other's stories here is very helpful.

Thanks,

David

[Susan R]

6 hours ago, David K. said:

Not sure how I fit in, but I'm writing my story, a Transgender Biography, of sorts. Old events and feelings come clearer as I write. I'm 72 so the events are cloudy.

 

I'll post it when I have a clearer picture.

@David K. I’m sure you’ll fit in here just fine. Even if you eventually determine you aren’t transgender, you can join us here as a non-judging supportive ally and friend to our community. We have some wonderful individuals here who are top notch.

There is never any pressure to share your story but I think you’ll find it a positive release for stress. For me, it’s just a great feeling to be among people who are there for you in the best and worst of times. You may also find that it helps others in their struggles and is very healing and therapeutic. It’s becomes an easy thing to do while trying to rediscover one’s self. So whenever your ready, feel free to post to your heart’s delight.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Davie]

2 hours ago, Susan R said:

@David K. I’m sure you’ll fit in here just fine. Even if you eventually determine you aren’t transgender, you can join us here as a non-judging supportive ally and friend to our community. We have some wonderful individuals here who are top notch.

There is never any pressure to share your story but I think you’ll find it a positive release for stress. For me, it’s just a great feeling to be among people who are there for you in the best and worst of times. You may also find that it helps others in their struggles and is very healing and therapeutic. It’s becomes an easy thing to do while trying to rediscover one’s self. So whenever your ready, feel free to post to your heart’s delight.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

 

[Davie]

Thanks so much, Susan from Snohomish County--

That means a lot. I've been to a trans Zoom meeting with Noah and the folks at Fenway Health here in Boston. And liked it a lot. I do feel a bit overwhelmed by things right now, being new, and that makes it difficult to articulate. Some other things in my early history are becoming clearer to me but I need to integrate them into my personal story before I tell it. Wish I could be more specific now, but I will later. Thanks again.

 

--David

 

PS: I once lived in Skagit County.

 

 

[KayC]

Nice to meet you @David K. and Welcome!

You've found a great place to help in your self-discovery, as I did almost a year ago now. 

There a many here to pass along their experience and  am sure you will find your way❣️

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Drayse]

11 hours ago, David K. said:

Some other things in my early history are becoming clearer to me but I need to integrate them into my personal story before I tell it. Wish I could be more specific now, but I will later

And sometimes those details of one's personal story can be hard to face. When you're ready to share then share. Take the all time you need. Also, welcome. ❤️

[Charlize]

Welcome David.  When i came here folks suggested that i see a gender therapist.  As i worked with her i essentially went over my past.  Looking at my past helped me accept myself.  Enjoy the process and share as you wish.  We can sometimes help others as we share.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Lee H]

Hi David

I have weekly sessions with a GT [gender therapist], thanks to VA [Veteran's Admn]. (The lingo is confusing, but there's an explanation on this Forum.) Each week, she gives me a suggested "assignment," to consider this or that aspect of my effort to journey toward self-discovery and self-acceptance. I've found that writing posts here helps me think things through. The potential post is there, in front of me, waiting to fly off into our group. Before I press "send," I read it for truth v. BS. Am I being honest, or is this a mask? Do I know what I'm saying, or am I just typing words? And so on. Then I copy posts I'm actually sending into "My Transition Journal," so I can think about bringing them up in my next session.

 

Sounds schizo, I know, but hey -- if it helps, it works.

 

~~A big welcome hug, from Lee~~

[Davie]

3 hours ago, Lee H said:

Hi David

I have weekly sessions with a GT [gender therapist], thanks to VA [Veteran's Admn]. (The lingo is confusing, but there's an explanation on this Forum.) Each week, she gives me a suggested "assignment," to consider this or that aspect of my effort to journey toward self-discovery and self-acceptance. I've found that writing posts here helps me think things through. The potential post is there, in front of me, waiting to fly off into our group. Before I press "send," I read it for truth v. BS. Am I being honest, or is this a mask? Do I know what I'm saying, or am I just typing words? And so on. Then I copy posts I'm actually sending into "My Transition Journal," so I can think about bringing them up in my next session.

 

Sounds schizo, I know, but hey -- if it helps, it works.

 

~~A big welcome hug, from Lee~~

 

Hi Lee H,

 

Thanks  Hugs back. It does not sound schizo. This is a special place for truth--I know that. I've got a lot to learn—I know that too. I've got 70 years of life to wade through, so I have to be patient. I'm not well today--suffering from covid vaccine hangover, but that's OK for the long run.

Best,

David

 

[Aggie1]

4 hours ago, Lee H said:

Before I press "send," I read it for truth v. BS. Am I being honest, or is this a mask? Do I know what I'm saying, or am I just typing words? And so on.

This is the hallmark of authenticity! When I was interviewing my therapist I said one of the things I wanted was someone who would call me on my BS. Honest feedback. Every time a doubt creeps into my mind especially when I read or listen to political or religious opinion on the subject I remember the number of times I wished for the freedom I am now enjoying. I now feel empowered to say and do what’s on my mind without having to filter it through what someone might think about what I was saying. In other words my metric is simply “am I being myself?” If the answer is yes, I relax! 

[GraceH]

On 2/13/2021 at 3:56 PM, David K. said:

Old events and feelings come clearer as I write.

Welcome David,  I'm a bit younger than you.  Even so, I have some problems putting together my whole story due to simply not remembering my younger self.  Either making sense of it or even remembering the things that happened long ago.  You're not alone in that.

 

I wouldn't worry so much about making a coherent story, if that's what's holding you back.  Write something down.

 

It sure is confusing at first.  The first three months I was here, it felt like my mind, my self, was changing like a rushing river.  Even a year later, the change is more glacial, but if I look back a month ... Yup, I changed quite a bit.  The point is, figuring out your identity is a long process.

 

--Grace--

 

[Davie]

Thanks, Grace.

"it felt like my mind, my self, was changing like a rushing river." 

Yeah, that's it. Also, "identity is a long process."

And it's not a straight-line progression either. It's like remembering dreams--very little is clear at first. And much of it is like a parable, a fable, or a metaphor.

It's always been true I'm not patient with myself. Time to remind myself of that again.

Thanks,

David

[GraceH]

Dear David,

 

3 hours ago, David K. said:

And it's not a straight-line progression either. It's like remembering dreams--very little is clear at first. And much of it is like a parable, a fable, or a metaphor.

 

That's so true.  The far past is like a dream.  I really want to find some of the people I knew long ago to reflect something back to me, but that's a bit hard to do.  I'm starting to understand my childhood development a little bit for this context, but that's really a dream of a dream.

 

In contrast, an author I like has a quote in several of her novels, "Give up all hope for a better past."  But it is hard to give up trying to understand the past.  It is really important to appreciate the gift of being that I am now.

 

Now that I've been supportive (smile), I'll put on my engineer hat.

 

I see three tracks for MtF folx.  It's even more for non-binary, but let's narrow it down to MtF.

 

1.  Always knew they were a girl inside or always were compelled to cross dress, maybe not knowing why.

2.  Neuter as a child, found boys alien and mean, were horrified with male puberty and realized it was just so wrong.

3.  intersex or xx female, were assigned "M" at birth due to genital presentation, often with corrective surgery for which the records were buried to avoid stigma.

 

I guess I'm a variation on #2, but male puberty made me safer from abuse, so I didn't reject it.  Plus, I was so attracted to girls, what was to question about it?

 

I don't consider myself MtF, but non-binary way over on the feminine side.

 

What has been hard for me to access was that feeling of being a child before the abuse.  I finally remember being very emotionally reactive and empathetic, which I had to tamp down on to survive.  But it was very hard to remember that state of being, so I relate to your statement about remembering as if from a dream.

 

Does any of that help?  Experiences are so varied here, I'm sure you have your own story.

 

--Grace--

 

[Vanessa Michelle]

@David K.welcome to the group! Thanks for sharing with us! ❤️

[Davie]

 

"Cis and Trans Children Know their Gender at Birth."

This issue is a tough one for me to deal with, but it's also very important that I do.

Of course I must have also known that, but don't remember. And this statement is not true for me: "Researchers also found that transgender children continue their transition regardless of acceptance or acknowledgment by parents." My father did not approve of his first son acting effeminate, so once a week he would hold me down and scream in my face and hit me with his belt until I agreed with him. This happened from ages three until six about once a week. That suppressed it well. I don't remember a word he said. I do remember his anger. I do remember it was all my fault. But I survived it and him and the suppression to become today's Davie. Something drove me to seek out the truth in the world my whole life and that served me well. I continue to survive and grow and even thrive. Thanks all for being part of my newly thriving era.

 

[Rishaya]

Davie, we’re practically neighbors,,I live near Albany.  We are both older trans people, I’m 72.

 

[Davie]

9 hours ago, Rishaya said:

Davie, we’re practically neighbors,,I live near Albany.  We are both older trans people, I’m 72.

 

Hi @Rishaya. Thanks for writing on this thread--it's been a long time since. It's good to take stock and see the progress I've made these last three years. It's not so much as to "figure out" my past or even to "understand" it, but merely to accept it and move ahead. Just to read all the stories of folks here tells me that Transgender is a very wide tent and that I'm glad to be under it. My father's family lived in Utica and then Rochester, so I know a bit of that country, I accept it anyway. —Davie 

[Rishaya]

GraceH

 

I’m option #1, I had no idea what was going on with me until 30