What am I

[Jocelyn41]

Hello, I am new here and I’m struggling with questions I have been having. A little about me. I just turned 41 years old and was born a male and all my life I have felt like there was something off. I have a feeling like I don’t fit in with anyone. Thinking back I have had dysphoria to an extent. When I was younger I really wasn’t crazy about my leg hair and practically all my life I have worn pants because I really wasn’t comfortable with it and when I first entered puberty I couldn’t stand my armpit hair. I always tried to hide it. I remember in my youth there were a few times. I tried on my mother’s clothes like dresses bras and underwear. I was also sexually abused by my older brother. I can’t remember if I wore the clothes before or after the abuse. He was sent to prison later on for murdering my grandmother and got released a few days ago. So I don’t know if the abuse caused it or I was like this before. I also remember when I was a kid wanting to play with the other little girls in my neighborhood but I knew that society says that boys weren’t supposed to do that. Then i remember when I was in my late teens early 20s I was looking at a circular for like a store and thought to myself dang why are women’s clothes so much better than males clothes. Then years later while I was living on my own and I had some clothes from an ex girlfriend and I started wearing these clothes and it felt so good but then I got into a relationship and had to get rid of them so they wouldn’t find out. Then at one point a ex asked me to dress up as a girl and I did as they asked and I liked it. Currently I am in the process if dressing again. the dysphoria feels bad right now. Help.

[tracy_j]

Hi Jocelyn, welcome

Please try and relax here a little and read. You will find many examples of others who have had similar feelings to you. Most all of us have had in some way or other.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. They are not unusual, at least except for you brothers treatment of your grandmother. Don't hesitate to join in as you will find people here friendly and helpful. You should begin to understand yourself and feel more relaxed.

 

Tracy

 

[Aggie1]

8 hours ago, Jocelyn41 said:

So I don’t know if the abuse caused it or I was like this before. 

If you haven't done so already, talking to a therapist would be a great idea to unravel some of the confusion. Especially with your brother now on the outside. Your story about being attracted to female clothing and desiring to be female is not unusual, at all, especially here! I've only been a member here for a month or so, and reading the struggles others have faced and overcome has been an incredible encouragement and inspiration to me. Looking forward to getting to know you better as you feel inclined to share. We all learn from each other here! You're among friends!

[Betty K]

Hi @Jocelyn41 and welcome to TransPulse. I'm 47 and only just beginning to accept the extent of my ongoing dysphoria. I don't know about you, but in my case it has never been this bad before, at least so far as I can remember. Lucky for me I have my first appointment with a gender therapist in two days. Also, like you, I have TransPulse, which has been such a help to me. I hope you get as much from it as I have.

 

 

 

 

[Ivy]

Welcome Jocelyn