Feels Good to Be Back!

[JamieMackenzie]

Hello everyone!

 

My name is Jamie, and I am proud to say I am finally back! I first ventured onto this site in 2006 when I was in 7th grade and started to create awareness that I might be trans. It was amazing to come here as I felt this was the first real place where I found other people who were like me, and knew I wasn't alone. This place was jus the start of my gender journey. 

 

A few years after finding this site, I found Youtube. I use to watch different trans women's transition timeline videos, what it was like to be trans, challenges, joys, etc. I just thought to myself how my desire to transition would never happen and be full of disappointment. After years and years of contemplation, I noticed that my wellbeing began to drastically be affected by my gender dysphoria. By mid high school I started to become depressed, and would suppress my gender challenges. When I entered into college, my gender issues hit an all time high as I got to the point where I could only see myself living as a woman or not living at all. In all honesty this scared me, and I continued to use this site as support. One evening in my dorm, I was on the live chat here and I finally gained the courage to text my sister I had something important to tell her. That next day, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving 2011, I told my sister my truth about being transgender. 

 

It was a few years later, that I jumped over to a new state and transitioned into my new identity.  I finally got to point in my transition where most people would think life would be full of fairy tales and beauty, but it wasn't. About 2 years after I started my transition I fell again into a deep depression. I was confused at the time. By society standards, I passed as a cisgender woman, no one in my life knew I was trans, I was in school, had a great job, friends, everything I thought I wanted out of transition, yet my soul still wasn't complete. This time I was really struggling and I didn't know where to go... 

 

So I reached out and got professional help. For 3-years straight I sought out therapy twice a week, to really dig deep and find out what my soul needed. I learned that after decades of societal influence, I myself was filled with internalized transphobia. I hated being transgender, because I saw myself as less than because I was trans. With professional help for those years, I slowly, but surely made efforts to not hate my transness, I found a space where I was just okay with being trans. 

 

That is when I moved back to my home state. I was pursing again what I thought I wanted as a collegiate hockey coach. But again, my souls purpose was not in alignment. With some extra digging I found a graduate program that truly inspired my life. I went to the University of Minnesota where I received my Masters degree in Integrative Health & Wellbeing coaching. In the program we have a motto that you can only take others as far as you have gone yourself, therefore, we were faced to confront our biggest insecurities about ourselves. In the program, I learned how to fully embrace and love myself for who I am. (Just for reference, we do holistic health, mental, physical, spiritual, relational, emotional health etc.) And I worked to finally find a space where I felt I could truly love myself and my trans Identity. 

 

Today, after almost 15 years of first coming to Laura's playground (now I know its transgender pulse) I now work with trans individuals and other individuals who are questioning their own identity or looking for ways to fit into this world in a way that authentically suites them. I honestly love what I do because it is apart of who I am at my core and my own identity. The amazing thing is, that non of this would have happened if it wasn't for this site. 

 

Therefore, I thank you, and am so excited to hopefully continue the conversation and serve as I can. 

[Jackie C.]

Welcome back @JamieMackenzie!

 

You basically know the drill, so I'll spare you. It's lovely to see trans-people giving back though, so good on you for that. I hope you'll enjoy your renewed time in our shared space!

 

Hugs!

[rainflower]

Hi, welcome back, I am new here. An important highlight from your story is that we need to celebrate being trans, as we are not cis, and trying to ignore that fact can cause a lot of dysfunction and pain.

[JamieMackenzie]

Thank you @Jackie C.

 

@AwesomeClaire I agree, and thank you for picking that up. I recently was talking to one of my members about that. About how we need to celebrate our coming out as trans, we need to celebrate just being trans. To be honest, it is a challenge, something not many people would be willing to do. That being said, many people trans or not never actually reach that point of true authenticity. That is why, as trans people, we need to take advantage and celebrate! 

 

And true that on how ignoring being trans can create dysfunction and pain! 

[Jani]

Hi Jamie.  I'm sorry you had to go through that depressive state after your transition.  I'm glad you are okay now and doing well.   I applaud you for thinking of us and coming back.  its important for us that can to give back.  Thats why I have stayed.   Anyway, welcome back and I hope to see you around!

 

Cheers, Jani