Hi, I'm Rei

[Rei]

Hi, 

I'm Rei. I'm 39 years old (Oh god). I'm a fairly new transwoman and I'm from NJ. I guess I will start from the beginning about myself, yeah? 

 

I always was a different kind of kid growing up. I was pretty effeminate and was poked fun of for my behavior. I did have my "boy" moments for sure, I liked G.I. Joe and stuff like that. I am also a very big pro wrestling fan. Anyway, I always felt different and never fit into any one sort of group. I have had so many phases in life that I lost track. I generally end up in an oversized hoodie, jeans and shirt with a band/movie/wrestling logo on it because I am pretty insecure about my body. Nothing ever felt right on me though until I started to dress as a woman on Halloween. I was actually Ginger Spice the first time I did it. I was 16 and I loved every second of it. I didn't play it for laughs  either as I took it seriously and made sure I looked great. I guess I looked too good because a suspicious looking older man kept following me at a store I went to in my getup. It was unnerving and I felt like an object. It wasn't the first time I felt that way nor will it be the last I am sure. 

 

So about every other year I used Halloween as an excuse to dress as a woman because I loved it so much. I felt alive and just so happy but the whole time I thought it was because I was having fun despite taking it seriously on my looks. 

 

Fast forward to December 2019. I was asked to help model at a friend's vintage clothing shop. She had a fashion show and it was David Bowie themed so she wanted all walks of life. I opted to wear dresses and lingerie. The bathing suits didn't fit me, unfortunately. But during the fitting for the dresses, something hit me in the dressing room. I stood there looking at myself (neck down) in one of the dresses and tears flooded my eyes and poured down my face. I didn't make a sound as we had several people mingling by the rooms. I just stood there and cried. I was so happy and everything at that moment *clicked* in my head. I was pretty depressed and miserable in life because I had no real outlook/direction and no sense of who I was as a person. I felt like I was in a void. And bear in mind I had a few years were I did not dress as a woman, so I felt even more lost. Yet, in that moment wearing the dress and feeling like a woman, it made sense. Life made sense for me. It all came to me at once and it was the most euphoric moments I have ever experienced. 

The show itself was actually quite insane and a bit of a mess but I was happy to be involved. The girls who did my makeup didn't do a full look per say, they mostly did a little bit of eyeshadow and slapped a Bowie lightning bolt across my eye. And my wig didn't suit me at all, it was a short, purple bob. 

 

Anyway, from then on I became obsessed with pushing the idea of being a female more. I started buying makeup, picked outfits on websites, etc. I was initially telling people I was going to do "drag" but it was really more than that. I really did want to perform as a female though because I love performing. Then the pandemic happened and dashed hopes of doing any shows. What it did do is create more time for me to practice with makeup and trying to look as much as a woman as possible. I am a fan of glam makeup and looking dolled up as opposed to natural. I have got some criticism about it from a group on Reddit but it is what makes me comfortable. My biggest struggle is vocal feminization, I have a VERY deep voice, so it is tough. 

 

I live at home (long story) and my mom was very supportive of me. She was a seamstress while I grew up so sometimes she needed me to wear a dress so she could hem it if I was the girls size. The first time I was actually embarrassed but deep down I liked it. So she gives me tips and ideas on what clothes will compliment me. I have a younger sister and we will talk about makeup and she used to help me draw on eyebrows but I got better at it.

 

My mom thinks its more drag but part of me feels she knows I'm trans but I never outright said it to her. My past birthday she bought me a dress, wig and makeup. I held the dress up to my face and cried again. My sister noticed but no one else did. It was the first time I ever smiled getting gifts that was genuine. Not that I am ungrageful but I never really know how to act when getting gifts. That time, I was overwhelmed with emotion.

 

Anyone else who I have came out to, about 95% said, "Yah, I had a feeling you were but didn't want to say something to upset you." Like, hey thanks, maybe if I had an idea earlier I'd save myself some time, lol. My ex fiance (about 10 years ago) would joke and say she was waiting for me to come home and say I was gay and running off with someone. She ended up doing that to me. Weird, right? 

 

I am really new to all of it though. I am still hesitant about living it fully especially since I am still at home. I do little things here and there. I am looking into a therapist and possibly look into HRT. It's tough to find a therapist, unless I'm not looking in the right places.

 

Like I said, I'm not entirely sure my mom gets it. And I have a younger, autistic brother who isn't weirded out by it but he is more unsure of it all. He sees I am happy as Rei but he doesn't fully get it yet (he's 16 but emotionally younger). That is really what is stopping me from being full time My dad passed 5 years ago and I know he would have shunned me. He was an old school, conservative, macho Puerto Rican bodybuilder. So, the mere thought of his only son wanting to be a woman would send him into a rage. 

 

Anyway, this is my obnoxiously long bio. I have so many questions and I am so thankful to be a part of this group. You all seem to be amazing and beautiful humans. Thanks for reading.

 

Oh! My name Rei (pronounced "Ray") is from the anime, Neon General Evangelion. Rei Ayanami is my favorite character and I love her name.

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, Rei said:

Anyway, this is my obnoxiously long bio. I have so many questions and I am so thankful to be a part of this group.

Hello @Rei Oh, this was definitely worth the time it took to read. What a life story!! The part when you were in the dressing room and suddenly saw yourself and it hit you like a freight train...wow! I understand this emotion so well. Others have had very similar experiences that trigger these emotions and they’ll probably say the same. But that moment when you suddenly KNOW that it’s all been real. That is a moment you’ll likely remember in a very clearly for the rest of your life. Thank you for sharing. I am so glad you joined us for this part of your journey.?

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Rei]

Thank you for the warm welcome. I can barely remember ten minutes ago, lol. I will for sure remember that moment for as long as I live. Sometimes I wish I had that, "Oh!" moment years ago. But I am thankful I actually had experienced it and not spend the rest of my life trying to find what "it" is. 

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, Rei said:

But I am thankful I actually had experienced it and not spend the rest of my life trying to find what "it" is. 

You’re one of the lucky ones...you’re still young and have many great years ahead of you. Enjoy it!?

 

Susan R?

[Charlize]

Welcome dear.  It's always nice to see another Jersey Girl.  (Gee i have trouble passing up those T shirts at Shop Rite.)

That feeling of seeing yourself and feeling the beautiful if seemingly unattainable is something i remember quite well.  Voice can be an issue for us.  Time, coaching and practice can help.  Some women have pretty deep yet sexy voices.  

Hope you find the help here that i have over the years.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[SheenaT]

11 hours ago, Rei said:

Hi, 

I'm Rei. I'm 39 years old (Oh god). I'm a fairly new transwoman and I'm from NJ. I guess I will start from the beginning about myself, yeah? 

 

I always was a different kind of kid growing up. I was pretty effeminate and was poked fun of for my behavior. I did have my "boy" moments for sure, I liked G.I. Joe and stuff like that. I am also a very big pro wrestling fan. Anyway, I always felt different and never fit into any one sort of group. I have had so many phases in life that I lost track. I generally end up in an oversized hoodie, jeans and shirt with a band/movie/wrestling logo on it because I am pretty insecure about my body. Nothing ever felt right on me though until I started to dress as a woman on Halloween. I was actually Ginger Spice the first time I did it. I was 16 and I loved every second of it. I didn't play it for laughs  either as I took it seriously and made sure I looked great. I guess I looked too good because a suspicious looking older man kept following me at a store I went to in my getup. It was unnerving and I felt like an object. It wasn't the first time I felt that way nor will it be the last I am sure. 

 

So about every other year I used Halloween as an excuse to dress as a woman because I loved it so much. I felt alive and just so happy but the whole time I thought it was because I was having fun despite taking it seriously on my looks. 

 

Fast forward to December 2019. I was asked to help model at a friend's vintage clothing shop. She had a fashion show and it was David Bowie themed so she wanted all walks of life. I opted to wear dresses and lingerie. The bathing suits didn't fit me, unfortunately. But during the fitting for the dresses, something hit me in the dressing room. I stood there looking at myself (neck down) in one of the dresses and tears flooded my eyes and poured down my face. I didn't make a sound as we had several people mingling by the rooms. I just stood there and cried. I was so happy and everything at that moment *clicked* in my head. I was pretty depressed and miserable in life because I had no real outlook/direction and no sense of who I was as a person. I felt like I was in a void. And bear in mind I had a few years were I did not dress as a woman, so I felt even more lost. Yet, in that moment wearing the dress and feeling like a woman, it made sense. Life made sense for me. It all came to me at once and it was the most euphoric moments I have ever experienced. 

The show itself was actually quite insane and a bit of a mess but I was happy to be involved. The girls who did my makeup didn't do a full look per say, they mostly did a little bit of eyeshadow and slapped a Bowie lightning bolt across my eye. And my wig didn't suit me at all, it was a short, purple bob. 

 

Anyway, from then on I became obsessed with pushing the idea of being a female more. I started buying makeup, picked outfits on websites, etc. I was initially telling people I was going to do "drag" but it was really more than that. I really did want to perform as a female though because I love performing. Then the pandemic happened and dashed hopes of doing any shows. What it did do is create more time for me to practice with makeup and trying to look as much as a woman as possible. I am a fan of glam makeup and looking dolled up as opposed to natural. I have got some criticism about it from a group on Reddit but it is what makes me comfortable. My biggest struggle is vocal feminization, I have a VERY deep voice, so it is tough. 

 

I live at home (long story) and my mom was very supportive of me. She was a seamstress while I grew up so sometimes she needed me to wear a dress so she could hem it if I was the girls size. The first time I was actually embarrassed but deep down I liked it. So she gives me tips and ideas on what clothes will compliment me. I have a younger sister and we will talk about makeup and she used to help me draw on eyebrows but I got better at it.

 

My mom thinks its more drag but part of me feels she knows I'm trans but I never outright said it to her. My past birthday she bought me a dress, wig and makeup. I held the dress up to my face and cried again. My sister noticed but no one else did. It was the first time I ever smiled getting gifts that was genuine. Not that I am ungrageful but I never really know how to act when getting gifts. That time, I was overwhelmed with emotion.

 

Anyone else who I have came out to, about 95% said, "Yah, I had a feeling you were but didn't want to say something to upset you." Like, hey thanks, maybe if I had an idea earlier I'd save myself some time, lol. My ex fiance (about 10 years ago) would joke and say she was waiting for me to come home and say I was gay and running off with someone. She ended up doing that to me. Weird, right? 

 

I am really new to all of it though. I am still hesitant about living it fully especially since I am still at home. I do little things here and there. I am looking into a therapist and possibly look into HRT. It's tough to find a therapist, unless I'm not looking in the right places.

 

Like I said, I'm not entirely sure my mom gets it. And I have a younger, autistic brother who isn't weirded out by it but he is more unsure of it all. He sees I am happy as Rei but he doesn't fully get it yet (he's 16 but emotionally younger). That is really what is stopping me from being full time My dad passed 5 years ago and I know he would have shunned me. He was an old school, conservative, macho Puerto Rican bodybuilder. So, the mere thought of his only son wanting to be a woman would send him into a rage. 

 

Anyway, this is my obnoxiously long bio. I have so many questions and I am so thankful to be a part of this group. You all seem to be amazing and beautiful humans. Thanks for reading.

 

Oh! My name Rei (pronounced "Ray") is from the anime, Neon General Evangelion. Rei Ayanami is my favorite character and I love her name.

Welcome

[KayC]

Hi @Rei nice to meet you, and Welcome! 
Thank you for sharing your story with us.  I identify with your childhood and the feeling of not "fitting in" but still having some traditional boys interest.  My "first dress" story took more than 50s years to experience but I share your feelings.

You've found a great Community here and I hope you feel comfortable to join us in our conversations and sharing of experiences in our own unique growth and journeys.  Hope to hear more from you❣️

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Delcina B]

Welcome Rei! Love the look! So happy your family supports you.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Rei]

7 hours ago, Delcina B said:

Welcome Rei! Love the look! So happy your family supports you.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

Thank you. I love your name!

[Rei]

16 hours ago, KayC said:

Hi @Rei nice to meet you, and Welcome! 
Thank you for sharing your story with us.  I identify with your childhood and the feeling of not "fitting in" but still having some traditional boys interest.  My "first dress" story took more than 50s years to experience but I share your feelings.

You've found a great Community here and I hope you feel comfortable to join us in our conversations and sharing of experiences in our own unique growth and journeys.  Hope to hear more from you❣️

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

I think this group is one I can feel I belong to. Some of the other ones I have visited seemed kind of, standoffish or something. They just didn't feel right. This group feels way more welcoming for sure. 

I replay the feeling of when it all made sense so many times a day. It's seriously one of my favorite moments, ever. 

[Rei]

18 hours ago, Charlize said:

Welcome dear.  It's always nice to see another Jersey Girl.  (Gee i have trouble passing up those T shirts at Shop Rite.)

That feeling of seeing yourself and feeling the beautiful if seemingly unattainable is something i remember quite well.  Voice can be an issue for us.  Time, coaching and practice can help.  Some women have pretty deep yet sexy voices.  

Hope you find the help here that i have over the years.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Haha, I am always tempted to get one of those shirts. 

Yeah, like my voice is like, deep and low. So much so that people have a hard time hearing me so I have to practically shout when I speak. It'll be a long road to get a more feminine voice but it'll be worth it. Even if its deep, as long as it sounds female . . . 

[Rei]

On 3/2/2021 at 11:06 PM, gina-nicole-t said:

@Rei Welcome to the forum. We are glad to have you here. By the way I love your purple wig. That is so pretty. I wish I could rock one that color, but at 48 I just don't think I can pull it off the way you do. When I started looking for therapy and HRT it took me a long time also. I finally just googled trans+therapy+my location+x amount of driving distance and found one fairly local to me. My HRT doctor is a bit of drive for me, but worth it. You are in NJ I have zero idea if your insurance would cross the bridge into NY or not or if that's even something you would want to do. I wish you luck on your transition wherever it takes you. 

Hugs, 

Gina 

I love purple so it worked out for me, lol. I don't think age should stop anyone for trying something out. As long as they feel they are rocking it, then do it. Confidence goes a long way. What's funny is my confidence is 100% more when I'm Rei as opposed to when I'm a boy. It's like night and day. 

I'm not really sure about the insurance either. Its so confusing . . .  If I don't find one here, I may have to see if out of state will work. I didn't think to try that to be honest, thank you. 

[Aggie1]

3 hours ago, Rei said:

What's funny is my confidence is 100% more when I'm Rei as opposed to when I'm a boy. It's like night and day. 

 

I find this so true! The girl is fearless whereas the boy is a big chicken! Whenever I feel doubts rising I tell myself, "Agnes, you're in charge. Do what needs to be done," and it gets done! It's amazing! Agnes can talk to complete strangers about anything under the sun! I love this girl!

[Vanessa Michelle]

@ReiWelcome to the group! ❤️

[Drayse]

Hi @Rei, welcome to the forums! ?

 

Don't feel too put out about being 39 and just starting. Some of us are even older.