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Cooldrinkofwater9

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Cooldrinkofwater9

I am a 30 year old man in Los Angeles, and I've been confused for as long as I can remember. I always acted as a tomboy, wanting to play with boys and girls, as well as enjoy both types of activities. As an adult, I always seemed to be able to find a girlfriend, so I assumed that meant that I was a man with a sensitive side, but I also have been crossdressing since I could crawl. My justification was that women wear clothing from my side of the aisle all the time, and we don't call that crossdressing, so why would what I do be considered any different? However, the world just doesn't seem to work like that, every female airline pilot and doctor can wear heels and makeup to work, and I have to dress like their dad. This envy and bitterness doesn't quite cover the fact that I have always wanted to be female, and after reading a lot of posts on several forums, as well as some lay psychology, I am just as confused about what that means as I was before. I hate the expectations placed on me as a man, I hate that bisexuality in a man is so badly thought of, that I somehow don't have the body I want, and I fear that all of this is keeping me from making any real decisions in my life, I seem to be in a holding pattern. I have tried talking a couple of trans friends here in LA, but they haven't been too much help, and I don't expect much, as they are in the middle of their own journey. Buy family is quite supportive, but I fear that most of this angst is going to come down to a lot of acceptance, as I don't see myself doing anything medical, I fear for my health too much, and even if I'm a hundred, I would like to go to med school someday, and that will take my everything. Perhaps it really is a case of Autogynephilia, where I love the female form so much, I must be it, but I doubt anything human is quite that simple, perhaps it really does come down to a simple case of courage, doing what I want, and going out and playing music as whatever I feel like that day... I'm just really lost, and I know my friends are tired of hearing about it, about my envy of women, my discomfort, my sex life with men, and how much I'd rather have breasts than these pectorals that seem to be good enough for everyone else. I don't expect any quick answers,  plant medicine hasn't really helped much, I just need to vent and find some people who understand, at least a little. Thanks for reading, I'm happy to meet every person here!

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  • Forum Moderator
Jackie C.

Salutations @Cooldrinkofwater9! Welcome to TransPulse!

 

First, let me remind you of rule #14. You mentioned "plant medicine." Don't do that. Discussion of alternative treatments is against forum rules and, on a more personal note, is a really good way to permanently damage your health. The best case scenario with alternative feminizing techniques is that they don't work and you waste your money. More likely, you put additional stress on your body and break something you're going to want later. Never seek out or use any feminizing treatment without the direction and supervision of a qualified medical professional.

 

Now then, personally I don't have any issue with bisexual men. I mean, so what? Sexuality is a spectrum. I personally fall closer to "Yeah, pretty gay," but I've got bisexual friends and their exploits are their own business unless they choose to share. Sometimes there's envy. My current man-crush is actor Tom Ellis (I mean seriously, have you seen him?). I'm jealous of his wife and I'm not even into men. My spouse feels the same way. What can you do?

I get that there are people who don't understand bisexuals and respond poorly. I don't get their objections, but I understand they exist. Haters gotta hate I guess.

 

Anyway, as for the other stuff: I'd see if I could find a gender therapist in your area (or not because telemedicine is a thing). Ideally a trans-woman who has a deeper understanding of what you're going through, but hey, allies are good too. They'll help you come to terms with your feelings and determine your next steps. Whatever those steps are, your identity is valid. Some trans-women don't have anything done. Maybe you're more genderfluid or bigendered. Don't get too hung up on labels. You're human and you're hurting. That's the part that matters.

 

On a totally random note, I will point out that it is possible to both have breasts AND large pectoral muscles for them to rest on. That's mostly because I'm working to get into better shape. Also, my breasts are small but you can fake cleavage with large, well-defined pectoral muscles so there's that.

 

So yeah, welcome to the forums! We're glad you're here. Please post and join the discussion as the mood strikes! I look forward to getting to know you better!

 

Hugs!

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Cooldrinkofwater9

I'm afraid plant medicine had nothing to do with feminization, or anything treatment oriented, rather, it included ceremony in the shamanic tradition, more like a sweat lodge, for clarity and such...

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Jackie C.

Ah, well then carry on. My mistake.

 

Hugs!

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Delcina B

Welcome! The forums have a lot of information & life experiences in the realm of your questions. I know they do for me. I'm at the point as Jackie recommended to you, where my next step is to see a gender therapist.

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Welcome Cooldrink!  

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9 hours ago, Cooldrinkofwater9 said:

I hate that bisexuality in a man is so badly thought of

So much this. My own ex-wife erased my sexuality when I came out to her as bi. I feel your pain.

 

9 hours ago, Cooldrinkofwater9 said:

Perhaps it really is a case of Autogynephilia

Isn't that a debunked notion? Whenever I hear or read that term I feel like it's a form of transphobia. I can't remember where I got that idea from. I'm not really qualified to say what is debunked or not though.

 

I'm sorry to hear that trans folk local to you couldn't be more help. I hope that you find a good psychologist to council you, I know that mine helped me sort things out. Welcome to the forums, I'm sure that you'll find plenty of support here.

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9 hours ago, Cooldrinkofwater9 said:

My justification was that women wear clothing from my side of the aisle all the time, and we don't call that crossdressing, so why would what I do be considered any different?

Julia Serano touches on this in her book Whipping Girl (and probably other places) as a form of misogyny.

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  • Forum Moderator
Timber Wolf

Hi Cooldrinkofwater9,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf🐾

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Cooldrinkofwater9

Talked to my normal therapist today. I'm not sure there is a solution, I certainly can't see myself actually transitioning, I was a built a tall thin man with thinning hair. I wouldn't end up the cute feminine woman I've always wanted to be. And there is something of the two spirit thing I identify more closely to. I continue to hate how I am not allowed the same freedom that women are allowed, and in some ways, it smacks of evolutionary biology. Sometimes I like being this man, but often, I hate this rough hairy angular guy, I want to be soft and be able to wear what I want without my sexuality being called into question, without it being a problem with every woman and man who would have been attracted to me otherwise. Tired of the beard, tired of the ruddiness. I'm just venting at this point, I really don't know what to do with myself.   

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  • Admin
VickySGV

I have a bunch of really sweet friends who are all over the gender spectrum.  It it sometimes an absolute that I check on pronouns every time I see them, but because we are friends it is not really a problem that a listening ear, seeing eyes, and a sense of humor between us can't take care of.  Be open with your Therapist that you are having gender questions, even the best gender therapist I know came from the garden variety Marriage and Family Therapist clan before working on his own gender issues (I can say "him" since he was F2M).  Your therapist may take it as a chance to broaden their field of expertise.  The idea will be to find out where you are on the gender spectrum and it may be a range places you fit and not all at the same time.  It is really quite an adventure.  Get rid of any shame you feel for not being a single defined gender.  That is your prime goal in therapy, and when you are open to being all over the map, you will be YOU.

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