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What Finally Triggered you to Transition


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  • Forum Moderator

I have struggled for 68 years - been through a sorts of therapy - suffered and denied - didn't want to accept - was born at a time when transition totally frowned upon - too afraid to admit my root cause problem - finally with the problem ALWAYS roaring back - I told my doctor then my wife - found a gender specialist who recommended a health care LGBTQ+ organization and I went for supervised HRT. I was determined that THIS I go until I found answers and happiness. For me this IS the path I denied far too long but now am happy I took it.

 

What was your way to finally accepting who you are and do you find you are happy you did?

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Tasha Marie

Knowing for almost 51 years. Just decided time is to short and I’m tired of putting this mask on so everybody but me is comfortable. It’s time for me to be happy.

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Tasha Marie

Who let the girl out, I did. I did

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Jackie C.

Once upon a time in the eighties (pre-puberty), our family physician told me that my various ailments would kill me before I was forty. That utterly wrecked my motivation. I mean why try, right? That carried over until I started to suspect that I was trans.

I was thinking, "Well, I have my fantasy life (video games, RPGs, etc...) where I can be the person I want. I'll be dead in less than a decade, why not just tough it out? It'll be over soon."

 

One day I woke up and realized I was miserable and would be 48 in a month. Despite my best efforts, I wasn't on death's door. Maybe it was time to reach for a little happiness. I got my first couple of items in a while with some breast forms and tried them out while my spouse was away at a conference. The gender euphoria was amazing. I got my therapist the very next day.

 

Hugs!

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  • Forum Moderator

@Tasha Marie and @Jackie C. thank you for sharing - I feel honored and I hope those who are wondering or questioning or now fully transitioned can share their experiences and maybe happy a little more happiness and relief and joy that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

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Tasha Marie

I look back and laugh a little and cry a little. I was caught a couple times when I was younger. One particular time we were at my grandmothers everybody else went somewhere and I was still in the house I could take care of myself I was old enough and so I snuck into the room where my mother and father would be sleeping and took her knee-high boots and a dress and started playing around I heard them come home so I got the dress and boots off real quick and put beside the bed  and got dressed. Didn’t get caught until later, my mom found them and told my dad he must have missed his mom and needed a piece of her with him. I laughed so hard to myself because I didn’t miss her I just wanted to dress like her that was the first time.

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Tasha Marie

A few years 

Later I tried to talk to my mom about this. I had found a magazine that talked about a male pilot who became female and was able to continue to fly over in Britain my mom was to have nothing with this she didn’t understand we’re not talking about this anymore.

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  • Forum Moderator

@Tasha Marie - similar experiences here - hugs.

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KathyLauren

I pretty much knew all my life, but I was in denial.  I would have told anyone who asked, including myself, that I wasn't trans, but deep down, I think I knew.

 

What triggered me to do something about it was seeing a trans woman deliver a keynote talk at a scientific conference.  Seeing her just being herself, being a scientist, being listened to, with no adverse comments, woke me up and made me realize that that could be me. 

 

After a bit of online research, I knew what I had to do.  It took several months to get up the nerve to set things in motion, but I haven't looked back.  Life is so much better.

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claire1000

I'm seventy now I new something was off around the age of six as I was drawn to things that girls enjoyed.Spent my adult life denying I was really female though I constantly thought about it.Fast forward to 11 years ago my wife passed away during a session with a grief therapist she sensed something else was going on with again I denied anything was wrong but a few sessions later I broke down and admitted my suspicion  ,After a session she asked if I would like to be refferred to someone who specialized in gender issues at first I said no but after a while changed my mind thinking in all likelyhood they would say I was just crazy. After a number of sessions I was asked what I wanted to do and I said I wish I could become a woman the therapist suggest we could try hormone therapy which was my first step, a small dosage to see how I would react .The endocronologist I see gradually upped my dosage eventually I realized this was right for me and began making changes such as facial hair removal ,wearing androginous clothing to eventually telling family, and friends{ though my eldest daughter knew something was up as my features began to change} that I was going to transition. Fast forward to today living as a woman wanting my final surgery if I can overcome certain medical issues but even if I can't I am living as my true self, and I can say the world is a much nicer view from where I am today that may sound kind of Pollyannaish but I am happy in my life now.

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I grew up in the 50's & 60's.  Since I was obviously a boy, I was always afraid that someone would see my "girlness".  It was frightening, but I finally managed to keep it covered up with my "macho image" even though I knew I didn't really fit in.  Over time (like 50 years)  I gradually became more open with my affinity for Jane Austin books, chick flix, etc.  Eventually my marriage broke up.  I can't say whether my transness was an underlying cause since I still wouldn't admit it to myself.

In an effort to get "straightened out" I got involved with a men's group at a local church.  I didn't feel like I had much in common with them though.  In a workbook we had, a question came up of if you had ever crossdressed.  I remembered once as a kid for halloween, and my mixed feelings about it.

I was very transphobic - guess I was really running from it.  But I got to wondering how it would be to do it.  I went to the goodwill store (I was scared sh1tless) and got a skirt and took it home.  That evening I took a deep breath, ditched my britches, and slipped into it.  And then things fell into place.  I sat down and realized I was actually happy for the first time in a long time.

I admitted privately to the leader of the church group that I was crossdressing.  He said that was okay, and I was still welcome.  But shortly after, they were planning a retreat, and talking about all the great guy stuff they would do.  It sounded awful to me.  I didn't want to go, and the more I thought about it the worse it seemed.  So I dropped out for good, and started doing some research.  It became obvious to me that I was not just a crossdresser.

Once I admitted this to myself, a lot of things in my past started to make sense.  I shaved off the beard I had been hiding behind.  When I told my ex, she was not surprised.  After a few anxiety attacks, I made an appointment to start HRT. (this is an informed consent state)  That was about 2 1/2 years ago.

I still have problems of course - this covid doesn't help - but I'm happy to be Jandi at last.

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rainflower

I was 36 and had some time off from work. I never vacation anywhere so my time off is often spent alone at home, which isn't always all bad. This particular time I was just feeling down, not really happy with myself. This was common for me to experience throughout my life, and has lead to some very serious episodes of depression and self harm. Back in my 20's I had experimented with wearing a dress and heels, under the guise of "just doing it for a drag show", I was going to get waxed and everything. Well, in a bout of shame I chickened out, didn't think I looked good enough to do it. I quit, and then as my 20s went on I started losing my hair up front, lots of recession. Then I figured, well that's it, completely off the table then. I completely gave up, started shaving my head, and starting reading books and websites and watching videos on how to be a "real man." Then, at 36, I was sitting there, feeling miserable about myself, and suddenly having the thought "I miss my long hair." I remembered people at work talking about these makeover apps, where you upload a pic and you can do makeup and such. So I found this Mary Kay and threw a pic in there and I almost cried. I realized that it was possible. A friend of mine was having a rough day, so I texted her that pic under the guise of it being a joke, to cheer her up. Really I was testing. She replied and said it was a good look for me, didn't laugh at all. So then I started googling things and also found The Transition Channel on youtube and it really helped me get my thoughts sorted and I understood what I really was. That Friday, it was Black Friday, I went out and bought an entire fall/winter female wardrobe and started wearing it. I just went all in, full female mode and it was very natural and felt so right, it was exhilarating. I immediately told close friends and family, and showed up to work as a woman. A few months later, after I had started HRT and had some laser treatments, I created my Facebook account (I hadn't had a FB account in over a decade) with my new name and photos of the new me. I mostly did it so I wouldn't have to constantly out myself to people and explain things. This way people could just see my change and I wouldn't have to deal with that. Anyway, it has been pretty wild, had some highs and some dangerous lows as well, but overall sitting in a very good place now, better than I have ever been.

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rainflower

Also, you might wonder what I did about my receded hair. Well, I bought cute winter hats and wore them all the time at work, and about a month into it I found a hair salon that specializes in women with hairloss/thinning hair and I got a decent wig. I wore that for a while until I got some length, then just quit wearing it. Yes, I was walking around as woman with the hairline of a 40 year old man for a while. I started using Rogaine and the HRT has given me a lot of regrowth, I have about 3 months left of the rogaine and I can quit using it. I'll still have a good amount of recession but my hair is long enough that it is covered and it honestly doesn't bother me that much anymore.

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Tasha Marie

It is so great hearing all of these life experiences. I was unsure if I should come completely out at my age. Like I said before the mask needed to come off .It will be slow though for a little while. I need to take care of a few things first, but I am going back to my endo and get started we talked before about it but I hadn’t committed yet but I’m ready he just said when your ready you can continue the journey. I’ve paid off a lot of my debt and started saving and trying to get a few things set up for my job and continue putting money back for surgery.

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Jackie C.

Yeah, I do not recommend putting it off more than you absolutely have to. My suicidal ideation got very, very strong before I managed to break through and crack my egg. Do not recommend.

 

I really worry for my trans-friends who go back into the closet.

 

Hugs!

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Elizabeth Star

I have Part of a story I wrote for myself last spring that covers this topic. It clearly details my last suicide attempt and alcohol abuse. Don't know if it would be appropriate.

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Tasha Marie

I just hate myself with the mask. I look in the mirror and just feel so disgusted With the way I look. I am so down so much of the time. I have hope that this will change for the better. I had talked to my Endo a year ago March and then Covid hit three months after I left him an email said I needed to transition he told me like to come back in 45 days when we can visit I waited a year Covid is still here so I am going to make an appointment to see him whether it be on zoom or in person hopefully I can get this moving forward. Three years ago I made an appointment with a therapist I started seeing her I knew who I was she instantly knew who I was that was the easy part just talking about it shortly after that I was introduced to a doctor and she did prescribe HRT I started taking it and my life just went in the toilet not because of the HRT that felt great I was feeling so much better about myself but it was everything else I lost my job I had no money had to talk to people that I owed money to they were willing to wait and they did my family life was on the brink because of the loss of work and money so I had to give it up at that point it took a while and now I’m in a pretty good situation I just need to make this happen.

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Tasha Marie

It will happen this time I have no choice yes it will take a little while but I’m committed. I know the stuff that I have talked about is no different than anybody else I am no different than anybody else we all have stories we all have problems some of us make it through some of us don’t I intend to make it through. So for the people that have talked to me on the site I thank you I need this I need people Around me that know what I’m going through so again thank you all.

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  • Forum Moderator

@KathyLauren @claire1000 @Jandi @AwesomeClaire @ElizabethStar @Tasha Marie @Jackie C. thank you so much for sharing. I have several things in common and in a few cases even the age is similar and stages similar. I am so proud of each of you and you warm my heart because I know I am finally accepting my femaleness and transition to who I was always meant to be 

Super hugs

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Kaltia_Atlas

For me it was when my wife was pregnant with our second child. The emotion that overflowed me and made my desire so strong really showed me what I was trying for so long to supress. I wanted to be her. Wanted to have the experience of carrying a child. Ive always known and now wad just the right time for it to come out.

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I realized back in Junior High that I wanted to be a girl. This was in the eighties and I didn't have the word for what I was, but the leaders of the church my partners attended did. Sin! Lust! Perversion! Hell, they had a lot of words for it. None of them good or accurate. Consequently I kept my feelings repressed but I didn't entirely stop crossdressing.

 

But I also happen to be a person that tends to speak their mind on thoughts that I have strong feelings or opinions on. I was, in fact, surprisingly candid and I'm mildly confused that more people didn't notice. I'm sure that many did, but they just probably thought that I was off being weird again and talking to myself or some such. So I never had anybody tell me that, "Hey, you might possibly be trans."

 

Fortunately, or unfortunately, my dysphoria generally runs pretty low key and I'm very good at compartmentalizing if I choose. While I never had thoughts of suicide when my ex and I broke up I did seek forms of self annihilation; excessive drinking, throwing myself into my job, and focusing on caring for the kids at the cost of my own health. All the while desperately wanting to transform into a woman without all of the painful memories.

 

When my dysphoria died down a bit I decided that I'm probably not in the right frame of mind to transition right then, I was 44 at the time and I worried that I would not make a very attractive woman, but I promised myself that if I experienced bad dysphoria again I would transition giving myself until 50 to make up my mind.

 

All this time I have played many characters online and offline that were female. I can't count the number of female avatars I have. At the end of 2019 I had a strong compulsion to start coming out to people the following year. Not just in my gender, but my sexuality, atheism and politics. Covid smashed all that and I temporarily withdrew again.

 

Then in June, as I was preparing to celebrate my nonbinary kid's coming during Pride (something I had never done before either as I convinced myself that I don't deserve involvement in the community), which I was unable to do the previous year I managed to access a female character I rolled on a small MUD. I played her for a few hours, but when I got off dysphoria hit and I realized that I didn't want to stop being a girl. That all the female characters I had rolled was in fact me trying to be a woman, as was the periodic but chronic crossdressing, and even testing names!

 

Shortly I came out to my kids, which actually allowed my oldest kid to come out to me about her sexuality. That evening we had three family members' coming outs to celebrate. By the next month I had my first session with a gender therapist. Five months after that I started HRT. I was 48.

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Holly Elizabeth

52 years of being someone I knew wasn't really me, and having the desire to wear this really cute outfit is part of it. I got tired of the feeling that I'm not ok. Once I came out, everything seemed like it was good. So good in fact that I don't care if someone has a problem with me being trans or not. I feel so good about myself that I would never switch back. NEVER! Everything feels like this is how it always should have been.

 

 

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  • Forum Moderator

@Kaltia_Atlas  @Drayse @HollyNoel - thank you ladies - I'm proud of you sharing with me and gives me more confidence in the road I am on - I am happy I'm doing it and I'm wise enough to know NOT to say - "I wish I'd done it sooner" because that does nothing but add to the pain. Kaltia - now that I am on HRT - I have to urge and desire to have a child and that is something new and is sad and yet happy at the same time - I know it will never happen - I had no natural children as it is and never experienced that but I have 2 step-children and 2 step-grand children and love them very much. I'm glad your spouse is with you and you can share the experience of parenthood.

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RhondaS

I had set the latter part of 2020 to be the time I came out (as a crossdresser) a little, was getting less comfortable in the 'closet'. Then along came lockdown, couldn't even dress, worried about mortality, then playing with Faceapp all made the defenses crash down. Got very sad at the though of dying as a man. Realized that in your late 50s most of the people who'd be really upset about it have passed on and the younger people wouldn't care as much. And realized crossdressing wasn't going to be enough. 

 

 

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3 hours ago, Kaltia_Atlas said:

I wanted to be her. Wanted to have the experience of carrying a child.

I now believe I was living somewhat vicariously through my wife for years.

 

3 hours ago, Drayse said:

Not just in my gender, but my sexuality, atheism and politics.

Coming out freed me to reexamine a lot of aspects of my life and beliefs.

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      Thanks, nice to meet you.  Glad to find this group, lots of caring, friendly individuals here 🥰💙💜🤍💜💙
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      Well I haven't actually told her I'm trans yet, just lesbian but that was last year. It's been maybe a bit over a year I've been trans without her knowing. I have a journal, but I come here more often so I can get advice. Also, in fear that she may find it. I could try to talk to a counselor if I return in person back to school. But, I'm afraid of doing so since last time the counselors at my middle school told people everything. I'm in high school now but I'm afraid this may happen again.. I don't know much people who will accept it although, I did have some friends but they drifted away and found new friends to replace me. Next year I may try to get a passport and see if I could travel to another country (even for a bit) and meet some friends without my mom knowing they accept that stuff. 🤫 Thanks for your advice I'll try to use it the best I can.   
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      Some of the reasons cited above I'm sure are valid, but i also know that there has always been a "gender premium" on many goods and services, and often for no good reason.  For example, dry cleaning, even for easy things like slacks or shirts, are more expensive for women's clothes than for men's.  The price of a haircut, same.  I know that studies and surveys have documented these variations based on gender.  Some states have tried to reign in such price gouging, but I'm not sure how successful those laws are.   Carolyn Marie
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      I would too. That was our requirement. when I got out in 92.   Kymmie
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      I'm kinda old too and don't try to be "stylish". Also, I have sewn a few things, but fabric is high. My skin is much more sensitive as well, but that's part of it, isn't it. As for the pay scale… that's just sexism.
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