Where do we go from here?

[Shawnster]

I'm knocking on 30 years of marriage.... I finally came out to her almost 3 years ago.... She was NOT happy... I don't start any conversations , she knows, she's uncomfortable, I let her start any and all conversations... She is worried that she'll loose me, but she's my world!!! When she starts a conversation, it's not always the best time for me th be calm and open.... I try to take a deep breath and answer her questions as best as I can, but I always seem to come up short!?!?!?!? She swears that she loves me unconditionally, she won't leave, but can't accept the fact that I want to be a woman.... I can't fight my feelings to feminize, and i hope to start HRT soon.... What can I do to make her an allie instead of an enemy???? I can't stop my burning desires.... But we have seemingly hit a wall... What do I do from here???? I could REALLY use some advice right now...

 

Luv & hugs, Shawn

[Jani]

@Shawnster if you are set on this and your wife is not, there will need to be compromise in order for your marriage to move forward.  By not initiating any conversation you are putting yourself at somewhat of a disadvantage.  Because you only speak of this on her terms.  As you have surmised this is not going away but I will suggest that it can be tempered.  Not everyone needs to fully transition to be happy (or at least satisfied).  As you see, spouses, children, family members, careers, etc. conspire to make this real difficult once we get beyond our teen years.  

 

When you speak with your counselor bring up the question of what might you do to offer a compromise.  People in the group you recently met might have some suggestions from their own experiences.  As you may have seen, some transgender individuals do just what they need to quell the "noise" in their head and still maintain peace in the home.  Now this is not capitulation, just negotiating in good faith to keep the peace.  Your wife will need to do the same. This has rocked her world and she has no coping mechanism.  Its rocked yours too, but there are coping strategies available to us.  

 

Points or questions to bring up:  Do you plan on keeping your facial hair?  (this may be an issue with your wife) Do you need to have it removed or can you live with status quo?  Do you need to dress and present as a female full time?  I would suggest that going on a low dose of estrogen may offer clarity and calmness that you seek.  Speak about this and what you've learned about it with your wife.  Will you change overnight?  Probably not but you'll see some change, mostly mentally and emotionally IMO.  We're not young any longer.

 

If you both are committed to each other than offer that as common ground to work from.  There is no reason this has to end badly for either of you.

 

Jani  

[Shawnster]

Thank you soooo much Jani!!! I am hoping that HRT will be some clarity!!! I am hoping to find some ballance that we both can live with!!

[Jani]

This is not going away so speak up and be and advocate for yourself and your marriage.  

 

Jani

[Shawnster]

And , the facial hair doesn't matter to me, my wife likes it, so I keep it... but i could care less about it... I do admit, I should initiate more conversations.... I just don't know how to start them?

[Betty K]

4 hours ago, Shawnster said:

She swears that she loves me unconditionally, she won't leave, but can't accept the fact that I want to be a woman....

 

Hi Shawnster, nice to meet you. I have no experience in trying to maintain a marriage while transitioning so take my opinion with a grain of salt. But it seems to me there's a contradiction in the above statement, or at very least a lot of ambiguity. What does it mean that on the one hand she loves you unconditionally and won't leave but on the other hand she can't accept that you want to be a woman? What is she really saying? What does "not accepting" look like if it doesn't mean leaving you?

 

I don't necessarily think you should ask this question of your wife, not in the way I've framed it anyway. Maybe she is just panicking, not coping with the reality, and really doesn't know what to expect of herself should you transition?

 

I'm not sure if or how that helps, but I certainly think, as Jani suggests, the only solution is more communication.

 

Good luck!

[Jani]

Betty is correct about the contradiction but I believe its that she's facing a dilemma she's unfamiliar with.  

 

That you would keep your beard is something that should tell you something about what you need to calm the noise, and convince your wife you are not considering full blown social transition (if i read you correctly).  

 

As to starting conversations, look for situations you are both in where a related issue is presented like during a tv show, or while shopping.  You do go shopping with your wife, right?  

 

Aside from that, consider what you want/need to do in your version of transition.  Is that getting your ears pierced?  Wearing jewelry, like a necklace (I never did this before), or change up your clothing choices to be more "softer" and less "manly" like less black and more colors.  Explain what you are not interested in changing, like any hobbies or diversions.  

 

Jani

[Shawnster]

Jany,

   I pierced my ears two years ago, my facial hair is something she likes, but I have trimmed it way down.... i think the only reason it's still there is my self esteam is so low, that I don't want to shave all the time....I do wear jewelery from time to time. I'm also working on adding some color to my wardrobe, but I'm dieting and the HRT are going to change my demensions....  as  far as hobbies, I'm outside, hiking, fishing, riding my motorcycle, reloading and target shooting..... not very fem, but some girls aren't, and it's what I like to do.... feel free to ask me anything, I'm pretty open.

 

Hugs, Shawn