Gender confusion

[Myles W]

 

So first off, hello! I’m glad I found this forum as it seems incredibly nice and supportive. Because this is the first trans website I’ve found, this will most likely sound like a rant with a mixture of questions.

 

For around the past two years, I have been thinking about whether I am a ftm dude or not. To live a life as a man feels correct, and the one I’m leading right now feels fake, like I’m a guy pretending to be a girl. It’s hard to imagine a future with the way I’m going right now (when I say that, I don’t mean suicide, rather I physically cannot think of myself in around 5 years as a woman; I can only imagine myself as a guy).

 

In terms of gender dysphoria, I have been blessed with a reasonably androgynous body (my chest is pretty flat, no hips, monotone voice, I’m built like a prepubescent boy essentially), but at the same time I do feel this sort of disconnection between myself and my body. I can look into a mirror and not feel like breaking down, but I do feel this sense of despair and “this isn’t my body”. I think most of my gd (note: I haven’t been professionally diagnosed, but I don’t really feel like placing gender dysphoria in quotations because I don’t want to invalidate myself, and I’m just lazy) comes from social and mental environments. Feminine titles and pronouns feel so icky and wrong. Being referred to as a woman hurts my soul, whereas the few times I have been misgendered (great times) made me feel better. They felt right to me. 

 

In terms of mental dysphoria, probably the worst, I’ve essentially forced myself down a path of toxic masculinity. Every interest, action, thing I do is done in a way that is smothered in the question of “is this something a man would do? Is this manly enough?” Of course, there is no “real” way to be a man, nor a “real” way to be a woman or real way to be gender diverse, but I’ve made myself act in a way that has to be as masculine as possible, in order to seem the slightest bit more “manly”.

 

I also haven’t exactly been questioning my gender for the longest time, which does make me feel a little concerned. Kids as young as 5 seem to have their whole gender identity in check, but here I am, barrelling towards adulthood with no clue. Again, this is one of those things that I’m fairly certain don’t matter, but those irrational thoughts just spring up.

 

I’ve been told the most logical thing to do is wait, and I do agree with that. Practically speaking, I think waiting until I’m 18 and I get some rights and book my own appointments with a psychologist and go from there. However, I do just want an opinion if they think I could possibly be trans according to what I’ve said (I do know only I ultimately know my gender, but some outside perspectives might help), and possibly some advice as to how to deal with this whole mess until I’m at an older age. 
 

Thank you and have a good day!

 

[Petra Jane]

6 hours ago, Myles W said:

I’m glad I found this forum as it seems incredibly nice and supportive

Thank you, we do try our best to make TGP a safe, friendly, and supportive place where people can find info and friendly support.

 

Welcome to TransGenderPulse! I’m sure you will find plenty of advice here.

[Betty K]

Hi Myles, welcome! I'm quite new here too, and early in my journey, so take what I say as what it is: just my opinions. I am in no way an expert.

 

That said, I'd say you've got a lot more than "no clue" about your gender identity. Look at me: I'm 47 and may well be more confused than you are. Sure there may be very young people that are less confused than either of us, but times are changing fast. When I was a kid I didn't know anyone who identified as transgender and I don't even think I knew anyone who talked about the possibility of being transgender. In my lifetime I have seen the hugest changes in society's attitudes -- it has been touching and quite amazing. I'm not saying things are perfect, but they're vastly improved. And anyway, everyone matures in different ways at different speeds. You have -- let's hope -- a long life ahead of you. I envy you that you are asking these questions now rather than 30 years down the track.

 

As to whether or not you have gender dysphoria, it seems pretty clear to me. I think you're right to want to get some expert opinions but if you feel it you feel it; I don't think you need to second guess yourself here. You are among friends.

 

So, the only thing that worries me is this toxic masculinity thing. I've been there, believe me: before I realised that maybe it was futile to try to "be a man" I tried pretty hard at times. One thing that helped me was martial arts, a great way to get some of that pent-up energy out and also a self-esteem builder. Just an idea. Also, counselling, if you have access to it.

 

Anyway Myles great to have you here!

[Charlize]

Welcome Myles.  I found gender difficult as well.  Like you i enjoyed aspects of my body that appeared (in my case) feminine but at the same time i didn't hate my body, i just wanted to see it differently.  I was wrong some how.  Early in transition i also remember that feeing of “is this something a man would do? Is this manly enough?" ,just change "manly enough" to female enough.  I was ultra conscious of how i walked or talked.  I seemed cut off from many of the activities i had enjoyed as a man but being recognized as the woman i am was so important to me.  Over time i've let that go and now see myself as a very "butch" woman if that is defined by my jobs and pursuits. 

I'm glad you have found us.  I know this place has helped me find self acceptance in so many ways.

May you find the same.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Drayse]

Hi @Myles97, welcome to the forums.

 

I'm definitely older than you and I've never quite figured gender out. Gender dysphoria also is confusing. I don't have dysphoria over the existence of what are considered "man parts" by society, but I do experience euphoria when I imagine something else displacing them with more female appropriate counterparts. (Gawd I'm using pretentious words...)

Anyhow, my point is two-fold: 1) dysphoria is not the sole way to determine if you are trans, be that binary or nonbinary, as you can also consider what makes you euphoric and 2) dysphoria and euphoria may be moving targets that will change as you change. This is why, IMHO, I think a good gender therapist can be very helpful.

That said, while I consider myself trans binary I use the pronouns she/them. Most of the time I feel primarily female when I stare at my gender navel, but there are times when I feel no gender at all which leaves me feeling very confused. Or something will happen during my day and my maleness will occasionally come out. If this continues I may have to reassess exactly how binary I am, but I'm also still very early in my transition. Maybe gender confusing is normal, I have no idea how other people feel unless the tell me. Maybe cis people feel lack of gender sometimes too, I doubt it but I don't know.

You may discover that your are a hetcis male in the end, and that's valid too. But you can forge your own version of maleness that is more suited to your values than what society foists upon you. It won't be easy, but more males need be active against toxic masculinity and replace it with something better. And if you're trans, then you're trans. You'll figure things out and good people, like those in this forum, will be here to help you.

[Betty K]

8 hours ago, Drayse said:

dysphoria is not the sole way to determine if you are trans, be that binary or nonbinary, as you can also consider what makes you euphoric

 

That is such a good point Drayse. I recently spoke to a doctor about HRT and she told me she thought I hadn’t suffered enough to justify it! That seemed so crazy to me. If I feel I would be happier as a woman isn’t that enough?

 

That said, I expect whatever happens, like you, I will not feel entirely binary. I’ve had that feeling of having no gender too: it was scary, actually. Suddenly I felt as if both my male and female selves were masks. “Who am I?” I thought. It really was confusing.

[Drayse]

2 hours ago, Betty K said:

I recently spoke to a doctor about HRT and she told me she thought I hadn’t suffered enough to justify it!

That sounds cruel. You have to suffer some prerequisite amount before they'll consider giving you HRT? Whatever happened to informed consent?

[Betty K]

@Drayse it was so weird, I almost couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I’d made the appointment to get information, but the doctor refused to even answer my questions until she’d grilled me about my reasons for wanting to transition, lectured me about her trans patients who “really” suffered dysphoria and said she doubted that I was a good candidate for HRT. Only once I started crying did she finally answer my questions, but by then I could hardly hear what she was saying anyway. So yes, “cruel” is the word.

[Astrid]

@Drayse and @Betty K -- Your comments are very insightful and impactful for someone like me who considers themself to be non-binary trans.  Thank you!  I went through many of the same experiences and decisions as binary trans folk, such as the common stages and cycles of questioning/experimentation/guilt/anger/purge/depression.  Ultimately, I simply **had** to come out to deal with my dysphoria, which reduced my stress and allowed me to move quickly to therapy and then to HRT.  HRT was a momentous decision, but it has positively, absolutely been the right decision for me, 16 months in now.  

 

11 hours ago, Drayse said:

Anyhow, my point is two-fold: 1) dysphoria is not the sole way to determine if you are trans, be that binary or nonbinary, as you can also consider what makes you euphoric and 2) dysphoria and euphoria may be moving targets that will change as you change.

 

Drayse, I heartily agree with both points. And your moving targets observation has been so true for me -- I'll mentally file that one away because I know it will be useful to draw upon it again at some point in the future.

 

4 hours ago, Betty K said:

I expect whatever happens, like you, I will not feel entirely binary.

 

Same for me as well.  And that's OK.  It feels right to not be entirely binary -- but gosh it feels wonderful to have greatly reduced my testosterone levels and be far more feminine in my dress and my interests ? 

 

Astrid

[Betty K]

Thanks @Astrid, it’s nice to know my comments are helpful. I struggle a lot with confusion myself so sometimes I doubt my own wisdom.

 

Often I think that maybe non-binary is just the human condition: that we’re all on a spectrum with very few of us at either end and most of us closer to the middle than we realise. I believe the same about sexuality too. But I also believe these realisations can lie dormant and maybe never occur for some people, not to mention that we are fluid and can change our places on both spectrums either slowly or rapidly in response to other changes in our lives. That’s my philosophy anyway. Maybe I’m wrong and people like us really are a minority, but my gut tells me otherwise. 

[Niamh]

@Myles W I think confusion is normal for many of us who have known for so long that things weren't "right" from a gender perspective, but are still trying to work out what "right" is.  You are definitely not alone in this respect.

 

When I eventually came out to my wife after 35 years of marriage, it was not to tell her I needed to be a woman, but to tell her needed to experience being a woman, because only after I have gained that experience will I know for certain if I need to transition. Possibly if it had not been for COVID I would have been able to have a better idea whether I need to be a woman full time, but as I have not been able to socially experience all the things I want to as a woman I feel I can't make that decision yet. I'm fairly comfortable with my genitals as they are, but I really want to start HRT at some point, because the deciding factor maybe the ability to experience emotions as a woman (courtesy of Estrogen), which continue to feel constrained to me at present.

 

Certainly the euphoria of seeing myself as a woman is way up there among the highs of life which I put on a par with the most exciting and beautiful music I have ever heard or the greatest scenery I have seen. I know I can never go back to being just my male self, but I don't yet know if I need to be Naimh 24x7x365. I am hoping that by autumn this year I will know better, and while I think my wife fears the prospect that I may choose to be Niamh all the time (which may result in us separating), I think even she will prefer that rather than the limbo we have lived in during COVID. 

 

What pleases me much is that the transgender community here, my many transgender friends and allies locally and fortunately many outside of it as well, are accepting that I have a valid claim to being a transgender person as those who know with a certainty that they need to transition in full. I hope you too will benefit from the kindness of such people.

 

 

[Betty K]

1 hour ago, Niamh said:

Certainly the euphoria of seeing myself as a woman is way up there among the highs of life which I put on a par with the most exciting and beautiful music I have ever heard or the greatest scenery I have seen.

 

Yay! I'm loving this emphasis on gender euphoria, and I love that you compare it to beautiful music and scenery, Niamh. I know exactly what you mean, on all three counts.