Hello from a dark closet

[Kelli321]

 

’m almost at wits end and I’m soooo exhausted from fear and anxiety of living contrary to who I know myself to be. I’m here to hopefully find new understanding friends and maybe a little courage. 

As a kid I had 2 significantly older sisters of whom I idolized, and I would follow them around like a puppy. I learned certain feminine mannerisms from them that when my father noticed, he was career Army and very conservative, I guess he thought that belittling and chastising me would teach me to be more manly.. it taught me that if I conform regardless of how I really felt that I could avoid overt pain and embarrassment. Embarrassing and belittling a young kid is probably the worst of emotional tortures a father who thinks he’s building a son into a man can do. It didn’t help growing up in the 70’s and 80’s either. Kids then seemed more cruel than they are today. Fortunately then I was tall and athletic, it made it much easier to hide and I’ve remained hidden. 

   I’ve worked in a female dominated career areas most of my life and fortunately that made it easier to breath, so to speak. Being a well liked but token male in an office full of women isn’t a bad place to be but it’s still hard when you see yourself as you see them but you can’t show it. 

I’m married to a great woman, she’s quite progressive but it would break her if I came out to her. In conversations with friends she’s stated as much which makes the closet even deeper. 

   Like a lot of people I found addiction, but I’ve also found recovery. As hard as seeking help and recovery from addiction is, coming out and making the journey to becoming a woman seems worlds away more difficult and frightening. 

I don’t know if this has been too much to share but I feel like I’m standing on the edge of what, I don’t know, and I don’t know how to get to where I want to go without blowing up my whole world. It’s just so freaking exhausting and thats why I’m here now, I want to learn and hopefully find a path. 

 

[VickySGV]

I think all of us here have shared some parts of this in our lives. Cyndi Lauper's song Not My Father's Son is a story too many of us who are MtF echo in our lives.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0icHRJmfmM .

 

Welcome to the forums, I hope we can at least be a light in your closet.

[Kelli321]

Thank you sooo much! I guess we’ll see where all of this eventually leads ?

[Delcina B]

Welcome Kelli! So much of your story resonates with mine. While new here to the forum I have found much support & love while travelling this journey discovering the femme me I had suppressed & denied for a long time. I believe you will find the same.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Kelli321]

I feel so grateful to have finally found you all and this place! It feels like a desperately needed oasis. 

[Susan R]

Hello Kelli, Welcome! I think we grew up with a similar home life. I was also strongly encouraged to live in the most manly way possible as you were. Like your childhood. My parents knew of my tendencies but it was just easier to deny they existed than deal with the issue.

 

2 hours ago, Kelli321 said:

but it would break her if I came out to her. In conversations with friends she’s stated as much

It may be a difficult road to travel coming out to your spouse. I felt the same way about my spouse. There was seemingly no way she would ever except me as a woman. All the indicators pointed to a negative outcome which caused me serious depression. Eventually, I had to come out and to my surprise she was more than accepting after a four days of deep discussions.

 

Your spouse may seem to you like she would never in a million years have the compassion and ability to understand you or your situation. Try not to count her out just yet. People sometimes speak one way around friends only as a way to be more agreeable or share with them in a way that paints a different picture than what they truly believe. I can’t possibly know if this is the case in your situation but there may be a way to test the waters before writing off any possibility of living an authentic life with your wife by your side. I’m not saying “go all in and let the pieces lay where they land”, I’m just saying that you may be able to have a deeper conversation on the topic or at least look into therapy to delve into the subject of how this may be done without outing yourself completely.

 

It’s such a difficult choice and easy to give up hope about coming out to one’s spouse. Only you can decide if it’s what you really want for yourself. But know that you have a life worth living to its fullest. I hope you can find the happiness you deserve with whatever choice you make for yourself. I’m glad you found us. This forum is a great place to talk to others making similar life choices.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Ivy]

Welcome Kelli 

[Kelli321]

Susan,

thank you for the kind words and the suggestions. I am always open to suggestions from anyone with experience. I’m working my way to getting a therapist. I’m looking for someone who works with a variety of people but obviously gender dysphoria. I have to tread very lightly for now.  I’m so grateful to everyone for the warm welcome. There’s definitely a ray of light that comes from here! 

[KayC]

Hi Kelli!  nice to meet you, and Welcome!

15 hours ago, Kelli321 said:

exhausted from fear and anxiety of living contrary to who I know myself to be

I had this same feeling when I arrived here about a year ago, so I know you will find this community a welcome place to finally come to a place of self-acceptance.  The importance of gender therapy was one of the common themes I discovered and for me that started an essential path to progress.
Both conspicuous and subliminal suppression of our true identity by family and society is another common theme here but many have overcome that to find their happiness.  I also understand and have experienced the part a partner plays in all of this .. its a tightrope we have to cross but with care and caution we can reach the "other side" (hopefully together).

 

Welcome again❣️  look forward to hearing more from you.

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time.

[Stefi]

Welcome Kelli. As a new member here, I can say I have gotten nothing but warm support and good advice from the forums.

 

Stay Strong

 

Stefi

[GraceH]

Hi Kelli,

 

Two things, One is that I have complete sympathy for your office situation.  Every time I get into a more than surface conversation with a woman these days, I'm screaming inside, "I want to tell her.  I'm trans! I'm a girl too.  Don't treat me like I'm a dumb rock!  Don't be defensive with me .. I'm not flirting .. I just want to make friends.  Sigh."  That yearning for f/f friendships is so strong, it's a large part of why I even bother to come out to people.

 

The second thing is how much coming to this site and writing have helped me.  Tell your story here.  It will help with all the rest, however it works out.  You do have to think about if expressing your identity is worth the risk of losing your wife.  It can work out really well, but it helps if you can accept all the possible outcomes beforehand.  It even makes success more likely, because you won't be locked into heavy persuasion and might be able to listen to what's going on with her better.

 

Help her understand that this is about your identity, not anything else.  Unless it is about something else, in which case you have to be honest about that, too.

 

Let her know what's in it for her.  Obviously, girls are better than boys!  Now she gets to be married to a girl!  What could be better?  Find your joy.

 

--Grace--

 

[Heather Shay]

@Kelli321 thanks for sharing and I'm glad you are here. I see several of the wonderful ladies have all responded and I have nothing more to add except WELCOME.

[Davie]

Hi Kelli, Welcome!

 

I relate to much of your story. You don't have to fight anymore.

Relax into who you're meant to be. If a higher power can bring

recovery, HP can help with a transition.

 

— Davie

[Kelli321]

??

[Drayse]

Hi @Kelli321, welcome to the forums. ?

 

On 3/21/2021 at 3:28 PM, Kelli321 said:

Embarrassing and belittling a young kid is probably the worst of emotional tortures a father who thinks he’s building a son into a man can do.

Thankfully that's not something either of my parents did. I did get some paddlings though for exhibiting gender non conforming behaviour. It wasn't good thing for them to do either, but the intent wasn't to humiliate rather to inflict pain. Both attempt to enforce "correct" behaviour.

 

On 3/21/2021 at 3:28 PM, Kelli321 said:

It didn’t help growing up in the 70’s and 80’s either. Kids then seemed more cruel than they are today.

I might have been a bit traumatized about boys from the behaviour of some of my peers in Junior High. I relate.

[Kelli321]

Going through life reading stories of strangers trials, tribulations, setbacks and victories, being able to relate and empathize has kept an ember of hope going for me, but I can’t put into words what it means having people talk to ME with experience and feelings in common, it’s utterly emotionally overwhelming... in a wonderful way... I’m seeing a glimmer of light down at the end of a long tunnel, and this time I’m pretty sure it’s not a train ?

[Vanessa Michelle]

@Kelli321Welcome to the group!❤️

[Confused1]

On 3/21/2021 at 4:28 PM, Kelli321 said:

I’m married to a great woman, she’s quite progressive but it would break her if I came out to her. In conversations with friends she’s stated as much which makes the closet even deeper. 

   becoming a woman seems worlds away more difficult and frightening. 

   I feel like I’m standing on the edge of what, I don’t know, and I don’t know how to get to where I want to go without blowing up my whole world.

 

 

Hi Kelli,

 

Welcome to the forum. You have already been given some excellent advice. I came out to my wife last year and it made for some difficult times. It did sort of blow up my world for awhile. However, we are now as close as we have ever been. Everyone is different. Many times people say things to fit in with others around them, but feel differently inside. What your wife has said may be just that.

 

As you can see, there is a lot of support here. Seeing a gender therapist may help you with what to say to your wife.

 

Hugs,

Mike