Battling Perfectionism with Surgery Results

[Wrightful]

I'm two weeks post-op FtM top surgery today! Overall, I'm very relieved and grateful for the comfort it's provided me.

I'm supposed to wear my compression wrap for another two weeks, and find myself occasionally being frustrated by it, but mostly grateful for the protection it gives me. Everything's healing well, the slough is mostly off and the incisions are healing clean so far. One of my drain sites is giving me a little trouble, but nothing I'm worried about in the long run. 

What I am struggling with is perfectionism and my current results. One nipple and areola complex is a little higher and that areola is a little bigger than the other-- it is noticeable. I know that even cis men's chests aren't symmetrical, but I find myself being rather insecure about it. I know it is incredible early to think about revisions, but I think I may want one to even it out. 

My insecurity is mostly stemming from my own perfectionism-- I want things to be as close to symmetrical as I can get. It's also stemming from what the close cis men in my life may say about my chest-- it's "manufactured" and part of me worries that they'll see it as an imperfect imitation, which I know is also a reflection of my insecurities. I also wish that I had perfect results the first time around-- unrealistic I know. But the idea that I have a whole summer ahead of me with a chest I'm insecure about makes me nervous and unhappy at best. 

I'm not quite sure how to cope yet, or what time will bring, but that's where I'm at right now.

[DonkeySocks]

Maybe it will help if you separate out some of the issues you're worried about into two categories: things you care about, and things other people think. Your personal priorities for the aesthetics of your appearance are important. Make choices based on that, not on what you're afraid of other people thinking. People judge each other all the time. It's unfair and mean sometimes, but they do it anyway. What others might think should not enter into your decision making process.

 

I feel like I should say that the summer will fly by. Let it go. You need a lot of that time to heal anyway. Take care of yourself. Thanks for sharing where you are at in your journey.

[VickySGV]

Let me give you a shout on one thing, your perfect symmetry notion could well be your downfall and get you recognized at least as someone who had surgery which you really do not want to talk about.  People with perfect body symmetry get it deliberately.  We just are not made that way, we just are not.  On the the other side, you are only two weeks out and major surgeries such as mastectomy (and bottom surgery) are going to take 3 to six months or longer to heal as completely as they are going to, maybe only 3 to five months if you are under 35, but it does take a while to get finished.  One thing there is that you reach an overload and no longer see things as critically as you do today.  You do have a better chance of the shorter time by following your doctors healing protocol like you say you are doing.  Please do not get careless there.  Talk to your GT if the OCD gets knocking on your skull too hard.  You don't just use a GT to get your surgery letters, you need to keep them afterward. 

[Wrightful]

On 4/6/2021 at 9:01 PM, DonkeySocks said:

I feel like I should say that the summer will fly by. Let it go. You need a lot of that time to heal anyway. Take care of yourself. Thanks for sharing where you are at in your journey.

This is all very true. I'm definitely trying to be mindful and present in the moment-- the summer will be enjoyable, and I have a considerable amount of time before then anyways. Thanks for the well wishes!

[Wrightful]

@VickySGV

I've certainly been talking to my GT, she's been a godsend through this process. I'm also not very worried about being cis-passing lol, I underwent double incision, so I'll have pretty noticeable scars regardless. Of course I'm still holding out hope that my chest will settle into something I love completely without a revision, but if it's not I'm not worried about feeling unnatural because of symmetry.