Where or how to find courage

[Denise savulski]

At 57 I'm tired of making everyone else happy and I'm miserable. I love my wife and daughter  but I can't find the courage or the nerve to tell my wife that I want to pursue  my heart.

My fear is losing everything  that its taken so long to build and at my age I'm scared crapless. And not only with my family but my job said they'll support my transition  but I've herd things like that before and as soon as I start down this future path that the rug will be pulled out from under my feet...

So where did others over 50 cope with immediate family issues

[Jackie C.]

Well, I wasn't QUITE over 50. I was technically 47, but I turned 48 a month afterwards. I just did it though. I'd reached the point where I just couldn't keep pretending.

 

I talked to my therapist. She said that I should introduce things slowly. Under her plan, I'd come out as a cross-dresser first. That didn't sit well with me. I don't like the idea of lying to my wife. I mean I had been since 1990, but I was lying to myself too then so I gave myself a pass. I had to come out to her though as I was chasing my gender euphoria and I wanted to keep expressing as myself and I hated hiding from her. It was hard, but like every other hard thing I've done, it had to happen.

 

Once I came out to her, and she accepted me with some reservations, I had enough support to come out to everybody else. I started with another trans friend and it just grew outwards from there. I mean I had to tell people. Especially once I'd started HRT and gone full-time.

 

That's my general strategy though: Jump in with both feet and hope your chute opens. Your mileage may vary.

 

Hugs!

[Elizabeth Star]

I started a month before I turned 46. I figured I had made so may bad choices in my life trying to be someone I wasn't how bad could it be to make the right decision and following my heart.  I had no friends to speak of and wasted tons of money I didn't have over the years trying to prove to myself I was a guy. I was also an emotional train-wreck. My biggest issue was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and when I found myself looking over the edge between life and death I realized what did I really have to lose at this point? Truth was nothing but I had everything to gain. My whole world has changed since then. There are still some trials and tribulations but in the big picture of life they're nothing more that speed bumps. Granted my band-aid method will not work for everyone but I'm still here and actually happy to be alive.

[HollyElizabeth]

@Denise savulski I started my transition at 52. I was miserable and even though I fad family all around me I felt all alone. For the last couple years I've had my dysphoria pushing me to want to dress how I felt on the inside. I kept putting it off until one day I told a close girlfriend that I liked wearing women's clothing. I was so scared what she would think of a man who liked to dress like a women. She said she supported me and that if the feelings were always there that I just might be transgender. She told me to talk to someone, and after a few months with a therapist, I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria and I was given the OK to start transitioning. At that point, I knew that I had to come clean to my family. I can attest that there is nothing that scares people more then to have their family reject them. I was kinda forced into slowly telling my family. I had to tell them three times that I was trans. The first two they laughed it off like I was telling them a funny joke, it wasn't funny to me. On the third time I had to almost yell it followed by the words, I'm not joking! I'm transgender and I fully intend on transitioning. I was scared to death and I thought I was about to lose my home and most importantly my family. My courage came from the fact that I had been miserable for the last 40 years and I was done living my life as others thought I should.

 

My therapist asked me after a month if I had told my family. I said no. She asked why, I said I was scared of what theymight think. Then she said something that made perfect sense, if I needed a surgery to save my life and my family wouldn't want me to get it, would I still get the surgery? Shes right, I was so afraid of what they thought that I was more than willing to be miserable for the rest of my life.

 

Remember, it's not what you know you can do that makes you a strong person. It's the things that you can do that you thought you couldn't do that is your real strength. You can't help what others think, you can only help yourself by making sure you take care of you first.

[Charlize]

I came out to my wife at the age of 63 and was full time shortly afterwards.  There has been times over in our 40 years of marriage when my issues came out only to be pushed away with a terrible reaction from her.  At the time i was dressing and going out as myself away from my family.  I realized i might loose everything i had worked for.   I decided that a room with a job bagging groceries was acceptable if i could simply live as myself.

Time, patience and gentle love got us through and in June we will celebrate 50 years of marriage.

Therapy certainly helped did my time here.

Each of us have our own paths but we don't have to be alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Denise savulski]

I told my wife 2 years ago and she said she's not going to be part of me or my transition. She said f^&k that.i still love her but me wanting  to transition as you say the want to be my female self(Denise) is becoming overwhelming. I'm even  looking at self medicating again (I started about 15 years ago). I've kept myself so preoccupied to not dwell on being Denise in the past I can't keep doing this...but I don't have the courage  to follow through  because of fear...I don't know 

Ps. I'm waiting to hear from my last therapist  shes only online right now

[MirandaB]

Out to Mrs for 9 months (in my late 50s) and she's still not happy about it but hasn't kicked me out yet. Kids very supportive (at least to my face).  

 

Getting to the point where I felt like I had no choice made the decisions easier. 

 

 

 

 

[Red_Lauren.]

For me I was sick of living everyone else's life that they had planned for me, and me being miserable among many things. 

 

Covid happening was my start of my transition, and I didn't know it at the time, but I got to spend more time as my self. I was still working, but now I wasn't seeing my soon to be ex any more. Once the locks downs were lifted. I was going out, and enjoying my life for the first time, and made friends. With people that supported me. 

 

As for losing things. I had nothing to lose. No kids, no wife, a dead end job. Yes I know i have had easy, but im a lot happier now. 

[rainflower]

I'm under 50 but still wanted to comment if that is ok. You said you can't bring yourself to talk to your wife about it, what about your daughter? Can you confide in her, and even check in with her to see how the wife would take it? Sometimes getting confirmation from another person that it may work out OK could give you that boost of confidence to approach her about it.

[Heather Shay]

@Denise savulski Tenderless and love and honesty will win out. Find a way (perhaps a long heartfelt letter) with your wife and being you have been married a long time she will most likely be a bit shocked being it is new to her and so long a time for you to understand your need so be patient and loving and expect the stages of grieve. I told my wife (I'm 68) and she had a couple meltdowns and told me I'd lied all these years and I said if I'd lied it was to myself and little by little with my therapy and electrolysis and HRT changes she continues to see the person she married is still the person she married only a happier person. But you do have to take the step. I tried many psych's and treated depression and anxiety and it always came back. I finally decided I HAD TO COME OUT because I was miserable. It's not easy but the peace and relief has been immeaserable.

[Melissa Mazurek]

Denise,

 

Oh how your post resonates with me!  That fear of loss is enormous, and that is what I am facing right now, but this is how I am looking at it.  I am guaranteed to NEVER be happy as things are. It has been impossible.  I know the other path is filled with pain, too, but if feeling whole and happy is where I think I would be headed, it's worth it.  When I was in my 20's and 30's, I, like many of us, bargained with ourselves--and it was over twenty years ago when our community was not as widely known and supported as much as it is today.  Shay says it well..."I HAD TO COME OUT."  I am partially out with some but not others.  For all of us, this is a complicated, emotional journey, and I think part of becoming ourselves is really giving ourselves some forgiveness and love.  We have been given a tough hand to play in a tough world.  Love always wins, though.  And that's how I need to proceed. Hugs, Melissa.

[rainflower]

On 5/20/2021 at 4:15 AM, Melissa Mazurek said:

Denise,

 

Oh how your post resonates with me!  That fear of loss is enormous, and that is what I am facing right now, but this is how I am looking at it.  I am guaranteed to NEVER be happy as things are. It has been impossible.  I know the other path is filled with pain, too, but if feeling whole and happy is where I think I would be headed, it's worth it.  When I was in my 20's and 30's, I, like many of us, bargained with ourselves--and it was over twenty years ago when our community was not as widely known and supported as much as it is today.  Shay says it well..."I HAD TO COME OUT."  I am partially out with some but not others.  For all of us, this is a complicated, emotional journey, and I think part of becoming ourselves is really giving ourselves some forgiveness and love.  We have been given a tough hand to play in a tough world.  Love always wins, though.  And that's how I need to proceed. Hugs, Melissa.

I like this, it resonates with me as well. What part of MN are you from? I'm up north on the ND border.

[miz miranda]

@Denise  At 66, this thread hits me right in my deepest fears.

 

The main difference for me is that I haven't come to recognize that I 'need' to transition. I have been struggling the last few years with coming out to myself as being a transgender woman. A huge part of my struggle are my fears of damaging or destroying my relationship with my wife. We will celebrate our 43rd anniversary in a few months. we are truly best friends and lovers. I need to be desperate to risk this.

 

I have an irrational feeling that transitioning would invalidate my life so far. Good career, being a father and a husband. I don't currently see that my life will be better. However, I can't deny my dysphoric moments nor my gender euphoria experiences. Sometimes it is deeply painful and I feel like I am existing not living.

 

My path is still evolving and I hope to have the wisdom to accept myself.

 

 

[VickySGV]

1 hour ago, miz miranda said:

We will celebrate our 43rd anniversary in a few months. "we are truly best friends and lovers. "

 

The part there that I highlighted is a focus point.  If you are indeed the best friends you noted, then finally telling the truth is a further demonstration of the deep friendship.  The point of worry is that you built the friendship in spite of a hidden truth not put into the relation.  True friendship is built on total honesty, and it is the lack of the truth that will be a road bump that needs to be crossed, but there may be things where your spouse has been less than fully forthcoming.  I had a friend recently who is not Trans, have a secret come out at full 50 years of marriage and things are rocky to be sure, so it happens even without Trans as the issue.  Couples therapy with a Therapist who is up on Trans couple issues will help greatly.

[Heather Shay]

@miz miranda I agree wholeheartedly with Vicky. I am 68 and came out to my wife of 28 years a year ago. Was it and is it a struggle? Yes and we had a few meltdowns but if you are honest and loving and let her go through her own grieving process at her own pace over time things will evolve. Are they guaranteed, no but I am seeing my wife accept me more and more and she shares girl things more and more and I have gained such peace not having to hide any longer. I went through a divorce nearly 40 years ago and it still hurts and I have rejection and abandonment issues I work on with my Therapist but I knew living as I had for 68 years was not an option any longer and found the courage and it has been 100% worth out. Your wife will see a happier you and someone who cares for you will see and love seeing your happiness grow.

[Charlize]

When i think of years of marriage the issue of truth was something i was seeming unable to deal with.  

16 hours ago, VickySGV said:

If you are indeed the best friends you noted, then finally telling the truth is a further demonstration of the deep friendship. 

I was afraid of the loss i would feel but also worried about the pain i would cause my family.  Perhaps i could have continued on hiding a part of my reality, purging and just dreaming of the possibilities.  I'm fortunate that my transition, while not without pain, has created a relationship stronger than ever.  Yes our relationship is different and at times difficult but for the first time in my life i have folks close to me with whom i can be completely honest.  My wife and i are closer than ever without that secret between us.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[miz miranda]

@VickySGVYour comments brought me to tears, in the most positive way. My first reaction was defensive, but I know they are absolutely the truth.

 

@Shay & @Charlize I

 

Thank all of you for kind encouragement.  I am not ready yet but I am slowly (perhaps too slowly) getting to that place. I struggle with not being able to explain myself perhaps I don't understand or accept myself yet. I appreciate all of your support!

[Melissa Mazurek]

Miz Miranda,

 

Finding that place of internal acceptance is its own process, and it happens only in our time.  I think most of us who are older grew up feeling isolated and filled with the 'what's wrong with and how can this be fixed?' mentality.  It can really anchor our self-perception and flood us with negative thoughts.  All I know is I have come to the conclusion I can no longer live my own lie, and denial has been very, very powerful.  I am quickly learning a few things...I have to love myself and take care of myself, and I have to be compassionate and kind toward myself.  Give yourself time and be patient as you explore who you are and what you need....hugs, Melissa.

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, Melissa Mazurek said:

Miz Miranda,

 

Finding that place of internal acceptance is its own process, and it happens only in our time.  I think most of us who are older grew up feeling isolated and filled with the 'what's wrong with and how can this be fixed?' mentality.  It can really anchor our self-perception and flood us with negative thoughts.  All I know is I have come to the conclusion I can no longer live my own lie, and denial has been very, very powerful.  I am quickly learning a few things...I have to love myself and take care of myself, and I have to be compassionate and kind toward myself.  Give yourself time and be patient as you explore who you are and what you need....hugs, Melissa.

So eloquently stated @Melissa Mazurek

 

The kind of family life we each experience as a child forms our entire perception growing up and is later compounded by the content and viewpoints that we were exposed to along the way.

 

What helped me most was my therapist managed to help me rethink all that propaganda and see I was still looking at my life from a wrong perspective. Knowing there are so many others like myself also has helped me  understand I’m not alone on this path and that others have moved forward and overcome.

[Melissa Mazurek]

Susan,

 

The not being alone is what really helps a lot.  I had never come out to my step brother or my niece. Did both this past week. Both understand the pain I have endured. More importantly, they support and love me.  And this forum and all of us are each other's life rafts.  Hugs, Melissa

[Janae]

2 hours ago, Melissa Mazurek said:

I am quickly learning a few things...I have to love myself and take care of myself, and I have to be compassionate and kind toward myself.

This is so true.  My wife said these exact words to me a couple of weeks ago.  I have been working on this and it has really helped me to chart a positive path forward. I have been much happier the past couple of weeks.  Finally, I had the courage to seek therapy, which was something I should have done long ago.  Those words above are so powerful and inspiring.

 

Hugs

 

Janae

[Tori M]

On 4/7/2021 at 7:57 PM, Denise savulski said:

I'm tired of making everyone else happy and I'm miserable

 

That was exactly the revelation that got me started.  I realized I had felt that way for a long time and it was not getting any better.  I had totally suppressed my feelings for the sake of others.  For me, I felt like I only had two choices.... stay in the blue and take my chances or fade to black.  No immediate family in my case but I was part of a very close circle of friends who all thought of each other as family.  I started with my lifelong best friend who was like a brother to me, slowly, letting them know how much I valued them in my life.  Then, I didn't reveal my secret before discussing how unhappy and confused I had been all of my life; how I felt so fake.  I guess that kind of got them on my side before I got to the big shocker.  To my surprise, they weren't shocked at all.  It turned out none of the people close to me were shocked like I expected they would be.  They had seen signs that I myself had missed.  I got lucky I guess, as it turned out *I* was the one shocked (and humbled) by their understanding and love.  I don't know how rare that reaction is but I do know that, 1) things don't always go as bad as we expect, and 2) I'm happy now and everyone around me sees that too.

 

I wish you the best, Denise, whatever your [difficult] choice may be.  You deserve it.  {hugs}

 

20 hours ago, Shay said:

if you are honest and loving and let her go through her own grieving process at her own pace over time things will evolve

 

Shay, so well said and so important!  This was hard because I was so caught up in my own needs and troubles that I forgot about their needs.  I think I had been so sure that they would just turn their back on me, I hadn't even considered how they would have to work through this change too.

[Melissa Mazurek]

Tori,

 

Absolutely love what you are saying about the grieving process in both directions.  The thing about being trans is once you come out and then transition--the whole world has to come along with you on your path, too.  And yes, the version of you people are familiar with is not going to be there--the 'core' of you, yes.  But the rest of it, no, and this is how powerful gender truly is in how we identify ourselves as human beings.  Your comment about fading to black is precisely where I am right now.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again---or doing nothing about something over and over again...same result.  To save others whom I love from this disruptive force at the expense of my own physical and mental health is called sacrifice--not love.  It's a tough spot, and I have wanted to avoid putting a burden on my wife and daughter--desperately wanting to avoid it, but as one of my counselors said--it is time to face who you are.

[Heather Shay]

@Melissa Mazurek truer word have not been written. Although I speak a good game facing my own issues aren't easy. A lifetime of denial and avoidance is so hard to overcome. I have come a long way but I still have hurdles I am still finding hard to cross.

Hugs

Heather 

[Heather Shay]

I just read through all the wonderful responses here and even having come as far as I have in the last year I still Harbor so many fears but as told here the easing of being alone, fear of abandonment, avoidance, it's still there but each time I face my fears.... I feel better and more empowered... And that feels wonderful and with the each effort it gets easier.