What Holds You Back From Moving Forward?

[Maddee]

Brit,

Please get your name change done asap.  It's better to start new job from day one with your new legal ID.

Weight off your shoulder.

I spent many years between acknowledging myself as trans and starting HRT too.  my path is still slow and unclear. Yet it is forward...
Hugs.

[Maddee]

@Britany_Relia

[miz miranda]

@Sally Stone

I feel close to your situation.

I came to recognize I had gender identity issues only a few years ago at 64. I have occasional dysphoric issues but experience gender euphoria pretty strongly when I experiment. The biggest thing holding me back is a feeling that I will expose my gender identity while trying to determine if transition is something that will help me. I don't feel I could move forward without coming out to my wife and I am not ready for that. Currently, I am feeling comfortable to admit I am transgender. However, I do not see transition making my life better.

 

I have been married for 42 years and it is fantastic. I also have 3 children. Whether I should feel guilt and shame about impacting my family with my issues, I do. I also feel like my first 64 years of life will not be valid if I transition. I believe my wife would be supportive but I am not sure she would be able to accept me. In fairness to her; even knowing how this feels I don't know that I could accept her changing gender. While I have never felt comfortable with myself, I have led a good life with a wonderful family, friends, a rewarding career and few regrets. I have never felt I can't live like this but I have felt it may be better if I was a woman.

 

I am afraid to move forward but wonder if I should. I hope for wisdom and strength to decide one way or the other.

[Madelyn]

For me it use to be fear of breaking the status quo in other people's lives. Their possible negative reaction and causing them any unwanted distress. Basically a people pleaser. 

 

Now, however, I am living with control of my own reality. We each are the masters of our reality and how we positively choose to navigate it literally shapes OUR lives, which is very important. Everyone of us is important and our feelings and desires matter.

 

To anyone who is like I was, break free from the burden of pleasing everyone around you.

Respectfully, they are in control of their reality and their decision on how to shape that reality is not your, nor my burden to carry. 

 

Hugs,

 

Madelyn 

[Heather Shay]

@Madelyn these are extremely important words of wisdom. I am still working on and trying to live by. Thank you and congratulations on learning and living your reality.

[Beatriz]

@Madelyn : many, many thanks. That's exactly one of the key points that has me paralyzed, pleasing / not disappointing others.

[Charlize]

For me pleasing others was a way to avoid my own pain and find love.  I told myself that i didn't want to hurt my family.  Simply dying with my secret would allow them a "happy life" as i continued to live in a lie.  I had been married around 40n years when i transitioned.  It was indeed hard on both of us.  I'm sure she would have left me when we were first married.  The issue was brought up but hidden while we were dating.  Being open and honest was perhaps the most difficult thing i've ever done.  Wonderfully i've been fortunate and now, with complete honesty, we are closer than ever.  When i came here i thought i would stop being  male in any way.  Instead i'm able to live both sides of my reality.

I certainly understand folks caught in the understanding of self vs the difficulty of realizing that knowledge.  

We are here to support you just as others supported us.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Ivy]

10 hours ago, Madelyn said:

To anyone who is like I was, break free from the burden of pleasing everyone around you.

I had always been a diplomat, trying to get the people around me to get along - damage control.  And I was willing to compromise myself to preserve the peace.  I think I had gotten to a place where I was no longer living, but only reacting.

I wonder if I would have ever felt free to look at my own issues if I had stayed in that relationship.  It was only when it collapsed that I felt free to explore my own neglected identity.  I had been living for other people for years.

 

This said, I do think we have to consider those around us.  But we can't let them, or our fear of offending them control us.

[Heather Shay]

Retirement opened the door for me. I'd told myself I needed to free myself but the fear of more abandonment and rejection and as has been said in the most recent postings - I looked to please and comfort others and deny myself. It's getting easier but the road to recovery is long and grueling.