Mother to a transitioning F2M 21 year old

[PH-Mom]

Good afternoon.  I'm new here and just looking for support and perhaps a little validation of all the emotions I'm goin through.  My 21 year old has come to the decision that her birth gender doesn't match who she truly is.  We've known all her life that she was masculine and not "girly" and even possibly gay.  She came out at 17 as gay and recently expressed gender dysphoria.  After consulting with a therapist, gender transition was decided upon.

 

I love and support him, but struggle with the loss of my daughter.  I've read lots of posts and messages stating this is a normal feeling, so why do I feel guilty about feeling it?  I always want what is best for my child and for my child to be happy.  In order to do that, he must be his true self.  So, why do I struggle?  Why do I feel ashamed of my struggle and why the ((blank)) can't I stop crying?

 

PH-Mom

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, PH-Mom.  I know you've been told this, but I have to agree with them that you have nothing to feel guilty about.  You live your life since giving birth, thinking that things will turn out one way for your child, only to find that things are going in a different direction for him, and for you.  Families transition with their trans children, and it is almost never an easy adjustment.  There is guilt, grief, loss, confusion, and so many more emotions to contend with.  You will get through this, and with your support, your child will be strong and confident and most of all, happy.  If you and he can achieve that, you can feel proud and happy, too.

 

It took courage to come here and ask for help and advice.  I greatly admire that, and commend you for your willingness to reach out, to learn, and grow.  Your love for your son is evident in your actions.  You are a rare gem, and I'm glad to make your acquaintance.  Please don't hesitate to ask any questions. 

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

Welcome dear.  
  Carolyn Marie has responded so well.  I know my family thought they were loosing me when I transitioned.  They grieved that loss which I’ve come to see as a common healthy reaction.  Time has actually brought us closer than we ever were before.  I guess change is just hard for anyone. 
Glad you have joined us here.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[PH-Mom]

Thank you Carolyn Marie.  I just want to be able to talk to him and about him without ending in tears.  I feel like I did when each of my parents died.  I could speak about them without crying.  I was so much to be strong and supportive, but I feel mushy and weak.  And I know that isn't good for him.

 

Thank you again.  I'll keep reading articles, find a therapist for myself and hopefully move forward soon.  I don't want to burden my new son with the woes of a weepy mother.

 

PH-Mom

[PH-Mom]

Thank you Charlize.  I do feel a sense of loss and then a nice helping of guilt on top makes talking to him without tears very difficult.

 

I'm working on it but I feel as though I have a very long road ahead.  Probably not as long a difficult as he does (Magni is his chosen name), but a rough one nonetheless.

 

Thank you for your encouragement.

 

PH-Mom

[MelanieTamara]

2 hours ago, PH-Mom said:

Why do I feel ashamed of my struggle and why the ((blank)) can't I stop crying?

@PH-MomHi, welcome to the forum.

 

My interpretation is that there are two basic parts to a human's brain, the autonomic side, which governs heart, lungs, chromosomes, stoichiometry, blood chemistry, physiology, gender, etc. And then there is the coginitive part of the brain, which has its own definition of gender and performs all other cognitive thought.

 

The gender dysphoria one experiences is a conflict between the autonomic part of brain's definition of gender and the cognitive part of the brain's definition of gender.

 

For eons, we've been socialized into thinking that the perfect child, with regard to gender, is an equivalent definition of gender for both the autonomic and cognitive parts of the brain. If there is a conflict, there is a deficiency. And from a mother's perspective, producing a child with that "deficiency" has been interpreted as a failure.....all because of socialization aka arbitrary standards.

 

However, there are many examples of the cognitive part of the brain not being in sync with the autonomic part of the brain.  One is, sickness. The cognitive part of the brain says "I'm OK.", the autonomic part of the brain says no, "you have the flu."

 

A second example is beauty. Your autonomic part of the brain defines how you look. One's cognitive part of the brain says I don't like the way I look, I need makeup.

 

A third might be physicality. Your cognitive part of the brain says "I am the fastest runner." The autonomic part of the brain says, "No. You can only run this fast and by the way, you're a slow poke.

 

Now in none of the above cases, one is branded as a deficient human. Mom's aren't upset that they produced a slow child, a child that thinks they don't look good, or a child with an illness. 

 

So for moms, the same logic should be applied to gender.  It is simply an issue that needs correction, much like going to the doctor for illness, going to ulta for makeup, or buying a tread mill to run faster. It should not be regarded as a cataclysmic event, just one that needs resolution.

 

You produced a beautiful, sensient human being that is living in pretty much a binary world with regard to gender. ie if not Female, then male. That's tough but it is changing. You should be proud of yourself, amazed at yourself, joyful at yourself, especially when you see that he goes on to do great things. There is no pass/fail measurement when it comes to gender.

 

Hugs.

 

M.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[PH-Mom]

Thank you MelanieTamara.  Thinking of this as an issue that needs to be corrected seems so logical.  Yet there is no logical thought process for me at this point.  I jump from feeling happy for my new son, who will finally be able to be his authentic self to sobbing because the person I've know for 21+ years is gone and will never come back.  I think about the memories of when he was a little girl and I cry my eyes out.  

 

I'm just a mess!

 

PH-Mom

[VickySGV]

2 hours ago, PH-Mom said:

to sobbing because the person I've know for 21+ years is gone and will never come back. 

 

As someone with a little more "time on the job" here, I think you can find some insight that will show you where that person is still very much in your son's life.  It will come out almost at moments you are not looking for it and may miss the first time it happens. You would not have the happy son if his "self sister" had not cared for him, but you will see the sister in the Son and realize that they are both the child of a dream you carried for a long time.  Your "daughter" is still carrying the dream on and the person is not that much changed over all.

[PH-Mom]

VickySGV, I hope you are right.  I've had a daughter for 21+ years and letting go of her to embrace him is difficult.  I don't want to lose the person I've known.  I hope that person remains, just with a new name and new pronouns.  I think I'm afraid of losing the child I've known to someone I don't know or even recognize.  I want him to be happy, authentic, well-adjusted, and at peace with himself.  I just feel the profound loss of yet another daughter.  I lost two pregnancies before I carried full-term and delivered "a girl."  Both losses were female; so this is another female loss for me.

 

Why can't I just be happy for him and leave my own personal feelings of loss buried deep inside me?  Am I a bad parent becasue I can't?

 

PH-Mom

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, PH-Mom said:

Why can't I just be happy for him and leave my own personal feelings of loss buried deep inside me?  Am I a bad parent becasue I can't?

 

Nah, that's actually pretty normal. Process your emotions and meet your new son. It's honestly not like we pull a Jekyll and Hyde here, different parts of his personality will move to the fore. Other parts will move to the rear. He's still the same kiddo you've always known and always will be. They'll just be more of their authentic self.

 

In the meantime, feel your emotions. That's normal. Talk to your son. Tell him what you're feeling and build your new relationship on trust, love and understanding.

 

Also, Vicky is always right, so, yeah. ?

 

Hugs!

[rainflower]

I think just by coming to this forum you are doing more than most parents would. The good news is, you can work thru your grief AND still support your son. You have these feelings and that is ok, you just feel them, label them, and do some thinking about it. And then with your son, you use their preferred pronouns, new name, if you do those consistently that goes a long way and says a lot about how much you support them. You may also offer to be there for them and listen to their struggles. If you are just quiet and let them talk, without trying to give advice, counterpoint, etc., just empty your mind and listen, you will learn a lot about your son and it will help you understand as well. When I called my dad and told him the big news, I just talked for a long time. It helped me get some things out there and work thru some feelings, and it helped him understand what I was going thru. Just keep moving forward and strengthen the bond with your son who finally gets to be happy and authentic.

[PH-Mom]

Thank you @AwesomeClaire.  I am slightly better today.  I think my struggle is with the name change.  using a new name closes the book on the person I gave birth to and have loved for 21 years.  I try to research what I'm struggling with but don't find much help.  And when I search for struggling with "transgender child" I get alot of advice for young children.  My son is 21, so not a young child, but still and always my child.

 

I don't want to close the book on the person I've loved for the last 21 years.  I want to always have her in my life.  I need to know who to replace the pain with joy for the person he is becoming.

 

I just don't know how.

[Jani]

I want to chime in and say you are a wonderful Mom.  Its all right to feel as you do but your son is growing as he has for 21 years. We never know the path our children will take.  We can only hold on to them while still allowing them to fly. 

 

Hugs, Jani 

[PH-Mom]

@Jani, thank you.  I'm trying to let him fly.

 

It's a difficult path though.  I pray he will be accepted by the community and the rest of our family.  I will always love him.  I just need to let go of the small things that distress me.  I know a name is minor in the grade scheme of things.  However, we all dream our kids will have a good, happy, healthy, productive life.

 

This is going to be a hard road for him and I don't want him to suffer.  Although I know he's been suffering in silence for years now.  For that I am truly sorry.

 

I love you, Magni and always will!

 

PH-Mom

[Jani]

2 hours ago, PH-Mom said:

However, we all dream our kids will have a good, happy, healthy, productive life.

Granted I transitioned after I retired but I have never been happier in my life.

 

2 hours ago, PH-Mom said:

This is going to be a hard road for him and I don't want him to suffer.  Although I know he's been suffering in silence for years now.  For that I am truly sorry.

My mother (in her 80's) was worried too but its been a good journey for me.  It's not been harder than I could take.  Magni will find his path and he'll be happy.  Be happy that he's comfortable enough to come out now while he is young.  He will grow to fulfill his potential!

Jani

[Heather Shay]

@PH-Mom finally getting to reading your first post and I truly understand your position. I think parents, good parents feel guilty if their child isn't happy. I would say it is normal and natural. Struggling - YES. Your son has struggled with something you did not wish to see him struggle with and you have a different struggle, but a struggle nonetheless. I am so proud of the fact you are coming here for support and possibly seeking a little therapy (if you haven't) is a good thing and not to be shyed away from. This journey is rough on all of us and as I say I am so proud of your desire to do right by your son. 

[PH-Mom]

@Jani and @Shay, Thank you for the support.  I haven't yet started counseling.  But I will.  I'm having a conversation this evening with another mother who has gone through this journey, so I'm hoping she can offer some suggestions.

 

I just want to do right by my son and cause him more pain, without causing myself additional pain.  We both deserve to be happy.  I spoke to him today and he said he would think about keeping his given name and using Magni has his middle name.  I will try to call him Magni, but If/when I slip and call him Delaney, than I won't be using a name that no longer belongs to him.  He's thinking about it and I'm trying hard to think of Magni as my son and not an thinking about the loss of my daughter.

 

What a confusing thing this is.  If it is for me, how awful must it be for him?  That is what I need to remember.  This is much, much more difficult for him, because all the changes are and will be happening to him.

 

I am truly blessed by a wonderful family and this wonderful family of support here on this site.

 

Blessings to you all and an enormous amount of gratitude.

 

PH-Mom

[Heather Shay]

You are an amzing woman and your openness is a treat to behold. Your son is lucky to have a wonderful mom like you. Stay open and you will make great strides as will your son. It's not easy but both of you are off to a great start on your journey...TOGETHER... and that is so important.

 

 

[PH-Mom]

I have such a pounding headache from all the tears.  I have done a bit more research and it seems this has been traced (in some cases) to a hormone / development malfunction in utero.  That definitely helps me understand it as a medical issue that needs to be addressed medically.  It also makes me sad that he has be suffering his entire life with this malfunction. 

 

I am crying a bit less today because I'm understanding that medically, my son needs help and I've always and will always want to help my children.

 

Just talking more to him today has helped.  We've probably talked more in the past two days than we have in the past two months.  For that I am truly grateful!

 

Thanks for all the support, everyone!

 

PH-Mom

[Ivy]

@PH-Mom I am so glad that you are accepting your son instead of rejecting him as so many do.  I have grown children and I know they are always in your heart.  We struggle along when they struggle, but can often only stand by and watch which is hard.

[rainflower]

You are definitely motivated and doing a lot to help your son (love the name Delaney by the way, it was one of the names I was considering).

 

Also, take time to slow down and breathe. This is a lot to take in, and there is that urge to rush about and try to gobble up all the info you can and try to find the answers to your suffering. Just know that it also helps to just quiet the internal chatter and be present with what is going on. This is process that will take time. Your feelings are valid, and the hurt you feel will heal with time, and the more you support your son and keep that relationship loving, the faster you will heal. 

[PH-Mom]

@AwesomeClaire I am so there right now!  Reading, searching, reaching out, joining this site / forum, finding local PFlag support group.  All in two days.

 

I have plenty of time but very little patience.  I know this is a journey ... but I hate feeling this way because I feel like it means I'm not being 100% supportive of my son!

 

PH-Mom

[Ivy]

3 hours ago, PH-Mom said:

but I hate feeling this way because I feel like it means I'm not being 100% supportive of my son!

Sounds like you're very supportive, and I'm sure he realizes it.

There's only so much you can do - educating yourself is a biggie.

[Bri2020]

On 4/23/2021 at 7:24 AM, PH-Mom said:

 

 

I don't want to close the book on the person I've loved for the last 21 years.  I want to always have her in my life.  I need to know who to replace the pain with joy for the person he is becoming.

 

I just don't know how.

You aren't closing the book, just flipping to the next page and there's a plot twist.  It's a new chapter for both of you (and the rest of his/yours Significant others,Friends, Family and Allies (SOFFA). There is a grieving process for the loss but a whole new set of possibilities in your relationship just opened up as well. It will take time for you to grieve and then see and hopefully embrace the future together.  Look for a SOFFA support group. As you are already finding, there are very few resources out there for being transgender and even less for SOFFAs.  My wife attends an online group based out of NoVA, I could get you the info if you need it. I know Baltimore has a group but the easiest way to find one I think is to contact your local Unitarian Church.  They seem to know where they are and how to get connected. Pre Covid they were often places where groups would meet because they are such an inclusive church concept.  Also, see if you can get a referral to a counselor to help you with the grief/guilt.  One with transgender experience is a plus but not necessary.