No longer convinced I am trans or if I am....

[JustKate]

So, felt off since I was 12, actively questioning my gender since 22, believed I was trans at 32. Started HRT at 35, came out to everyone at 36.

I'm now 37 and at the end of this month I have my first official diagnosis of gender dysphoria.

 

But I don't have any. If I'm completely honest I don't think I had any BEFORE I stared HRT. 

I have never fit in anywhere with anyone. I was too girly for the guys and too manly for the girls. 

I'm not non binary, it's just I've gotten to the point where I don't even consider gender a thing anymore. People are people with different bits.

 

I thought transitioning would help to change my life for the better but it hasn't.

I still drink too much, sleep too much, coast through an unfulfilling job and struggle to pay my bills and exist.

Whilst I am asexual, being an unattractive, quiet trans woman has completely killed my hopes of any future romantic relationships...the same as before without the trans bit complicating things.

 

I'm just tired of life tbh. I'm tired of having to spend an hour in the morning getting ready every day so people don't call me mate or sir. I'm tired of when I only make half an effort, people stare at me in the street (and I mean 90% of people including children), I'm tired that after a year being out, I don't feel that I will ever fit in.

 

After six months on HRT with no changes, people told me "just wait a year, you'll see" so I waited a year and...nothing so they told me "wait two years, that's when things start to settle, then you'll see" so I waited two years and...I still look like a man.

 

I've been told that passing isn't everything, but to me it is. I want a quiet life where people just leave me alone and don't look at me and transition has made that a million times worse.

 

I've had doubts about my transition before but these are coherent thoughts and I'm struggling to not justify them.

 

Fact is, I'm overweight and apart from the boobs (I just lie to a doctor because remember I'm not officially diagnosed) I could go back to being seen as a man tomorrow.

Half a day changing my name again with those that need it and I'm back to living as Paul. 

Less stress once I find a new job. I don't have to do my best to not be seen as a man because I will be a man.

 

This is a rant and genuinely doesn't need replies. I'm just having a very bad day so who knows what this is but it feels serious.

 

 

[Ivy]

I don't think it's unusual to question ourselves at times.

 

Although I am a bit older, I understand the thought that "being an unattractive, quiet trans woman has completely killed my hopes of any future romantic relationships..." myself.  

 

Not much help, but just to say you are not alone.

[Melissa Mazurek]

I think all of us go through self doubt.  I have never met anyone in our community who has not.  It makes sense.  But at the end of the day, our internal reality is as real as it gets, and our self doubt would not be as strong as it is if society was more accepting of us.  Hugs...

[Kiera]

On 5/12/2021 at 9:51 AM, JustKate said:

I'm now 37 and at the end of this month I have my first official diagnosis of gender dysphoria.

But I don't have any.

 

        Trans-feminine is more about experiences & interactions than the day-to-day ups and downs of "how one feels" and if being "out" is not rewarding right now then perhaps just "medical" for a while and give "the social", along with yourself, a break? 

 

        I know, especially in the U.K., that much can be tough as here we have "informed consent", no "diagnosis" required!

[KayC]

Unfortunately, for us, and I guess the rest of the World .. "GENDER" is defined by society.  There should be no reason to attach labels to ourselves or others.
Just LIVE the way you want @JustKate❣️  Don't worry about the "labels" others want to apply to you.

[KymmieL]

I agree with @KayC Just live the life you want to.

 

For me It was just recently I realized that I was a woman. 4 years ago. things just started to added up, and then the light bulb above my head flickered on just slightly. saying hey idiot you are a girl. for years I thought I was just a crossdresser.

 

I had an appointment at the VA in Cheyenne today. I got into a little early so I stopped at a convenience store for a pop. I walked in the door like I owned it. I am getting to the point were I can careless what others think of me. I am far from passable but I dress feminine most of the time I have a VA appointment. As they are totally accepting. I walk in there also like I owned it. I paid my dues, did the sacrifice, while not physically disabled. I have been deemed disabled by the VA. Its all in my head.

 

Kate, just be who you are, male, female, either, neither just be happy with yourself.

 

Kymmie

[Willow McKenzie]

8 hours ago, KymmieL said:

I got into a little early so I stopped at a convenience store for a pop. I walked in the door like I owned it. I am getting to the point were I can careless what others think of me. I am far from passable but I dress feminine most of the time I have a VA appointment. As they are totally accepting. I walk in there also like I owned it. I paid my dues, did the sacrifice, while not physically disabled. I have been deemed disabled by the VA. Its all in my head

I second this!

 

    I will never quit being me, FOR ME.  If I die for being me, I will proudly "Walk Through The Door Like I Own It".   Thank You KimmieL

 

   Willow McKenzie

[Willow McKenzie]

1 hour ago, Willow Farmer said:

KimmieL

sorry KymmieL!  My brain and fingers don't talk to each other well at times.  Must be time to go to bed.

[tracy_j]

On 5/12/2021 at 2:51 PM, JustKate said:

Whilst I am asexual, being an unattractive, quiet trans woman has completely killed my hopes of any future romantic relationships...the same as before without the trans bit complicating things.

I am aware of a number of cis women I know who are in a similar position. Yes, being trans does complicate things but as far as I am aware and from my limited experience it does not stop basic attraction.

 

12 hours ago, KymmieL said:

I had an appointment at the VA in Cheyenne today. I got into a little early so I stopped at a convenience store for a pop. I walked in the door like I owned it. I am getting to the point were I can careless what others think of me. I am far from passable but I dress feminine most of the time I have a VA appointment. As they are totally accepting. I walk in there also like I owned it. I paid my dues, did the sacrifice, while not physically disabled. I have been deemed disabled by the VA. Its all in my head.

I would second this. I dress totally female totally now, only wearing male clothing for exceptions like heavier trousers when working on the car etc. I am still nominally male locally but it has not stopped me being accepted and it tends to be a bit hit and miss how I am greeted (whether in male or female terms). I just get on with life and live how I feel. I do tend to dress less girly, more androgyne, locally so that probably makes it easier. Looking around though that's how many women tend to dress these days anyway. It just reminds me how I wonder what people are thinking when I am mowing the front lawn in the summer sunshine, wearing my t shirt, short skirt with bare legs and the more industrial rigger safety boots. Now there's a conflicting combination - but I am a bit of a rebel lol

 

We do doubt ourselves and worry so much at times that we think everyone is looking and out to make our lives a misery. That's what being sensitive is. Stereotypically it's more a feminine trait although I don't doubt that ftm's have similar feelings. I think that in many ways it's probably the hardest part of transition. It's like life itself, Whoever we are we have our fears. The skill is learning to live with and conquer them. Some tend to be better at it than others but we can and do learn.

 

Tracy

[Ivy]

8 hours ago, tracy_j said:

I would second this. I dress totally female totally now, only wearing male clothing for exceptions like heavier trousers when working on the car etc.

This is pretty much where I'm at these days as well.

As for what others think…  well, there's not much I can do about it, is there.

[Kathy2020]

 

@JustKate First and foremost, did getting this all out into the world help any? I hope it did... we all need to let the pressure off ourselves at times, and this forum is a good place to do that! Seeing a therapist and attending group meetings also helps a lot; I am always amazed at the healing power of talking and listening to others who are on the same journey!

 

I think your message has garnered some good advice so far, and I wanted to toss in one other thought. You mentioned just recently being "diagnosed" with gender dysphoria but you don't feel like you have any. I know the transgender health system is a bit different in the UK than the US, but would it be possible to talk to your doctor / therapist about how they came up with your dysphoria proclamation? Of course you are not asking to dispute it, but I've found in my own journey that my therapist saw a lot more going on than what I was recognizing, especially when I first started to really question and accept my own truth. Dysphoria comes in all shapes and sizes, so you might be interpreting some things in life that don't seem related on the surface. When you mentioned, "I still drink too much, sleep too much, coast through an unfulfilling job and struggle to pay my bills and exist..." it took me back to my early transition, and finding out these same things were related to my gender dysphoria that was simply being buried underneath it all. Of course I am not qualified at all to say if this is what you are experiencing, but I think it would be something to ask your doctors about. It may open some a-ha doors that you are seeking to enter, and that is always a good thing. ?