I think I'll just sit down at this table....

[Astrid56]

Hi all!  I’m Astrid and yeah I’m new to the forum, but certainly not new to the feelings and struggles that all of are going through or have gone through.  Reading the stories of others I see so many parallels to my own. When I was very young my best and probably only friend was a neighbor girl.  We lived in a very rural area, not many kids around at the time. We did everything together. Even then I saw myself more like her than a boy. As I got older I found that I identified with strong woman than men. I was not athletic.  Bookish rather. Anyway. I saw a article in a magazine, can’t remember which one, Time or Life, I would guess about new fashion that regular women were wearing. Jeans and halter tops, etc.  I though to myself, “I want to be like that!” Well that feeling never went away.  I kept it well buried in public, we all know how things could go, especially in the early 70s.  In private I would make myself feel pretty, the best I could. Wearing women’s underwear and makeup. After I got married, I had a harder time, burying it deeper as my life was going in a different direction.  And here we are. For the last seven years I’ve been trying to do things that make me feel like well, me. I have realized that this is not a feeling that will ever go away. So it’s time ......

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Astrid.  Welcome.  Yes, it is a familiar story.  I hope you are able to find a path forward.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Astrid56]

Thank you Kathy.  I’m sure I will. 

[Jani]

The feelings are commonplace.  And your story is familiar.  You'll find your way, I am sure. 

 

Jani

[Susan R]

14 hours ago, Astrid56 said:

I have realized that this is not a feeling that will ever go away. So it’s time ......

Welcome @Astrid56, Nice to have you here. Your statement regarding your feelings above is so true because it’s a genuine part of you at your core. Here’s to new beginnings!

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Maddee]

Hi Astrid.

I wanted to be one the girls too.

Welcome.

[Heather Shay]

@Astrid56 you are so welcome here and as you can see from the responses treasured for wanting to be the Real you.

Hugs

Hether

[sineadh]

Hello
My name is Sineadh,
I am a MtF transgender who is just starting down the path to being whole.
Forgive me if I sound a bit niev but talking about all this is new to me.
I confess that I am a coward because it took me 63 years to get to this point.
I knew that I was different around the age of 10. I wanted to do what the girls were doing, not the boys. It was 1968 and life was so much different then. Since puberty I struggled with my emotions, my sense of self. High school was a disaster & my brief stint in college worse. Finally I repressed it all and tried to mirror what other men did. I joined the Navy to “be a man”. I spent the next 40+ years lying to myself. I am happily married with a grown son.
This past year and a half have been awful. At one point I thought I was dying - not COVID related. By body has recovered, but my head hasn’t. I think all that repression is catching up to me. I cannot keep it in anymore.
Thank you all for letting me in & giving me an outlet of expression.

[Astrid56]

I forgot to mention this and I guess I just didn’t realize how much a part of my life this was. I’ve been roleplaying as female for eight years. And I’ve been hairless for as long.  These things have helped me deal with both the mental and physical aspects of being the real me.  And when I think about it, i really do belong here. Thank you all for your support.  ?

[Jackie C.]

Hello @sineadh and welcome to Transpulse!

 

I don't QUITE remember 1968 (the oldest memory I can attach a definite date to is in March of 1973), I hear what you're saying loud and clear. A lot of MtF trans people (and maybe trans men too) join the military to prove something or another to themselves or the world. You'd be surprised how many of us served (I mean I didn't I'm like 4F+. They'd need a new classification for how bad my health is).

 

Welcome to the table! Please post and join the conversation as you feel comfortable. We're glad you're here!

 

Hugs!

[Heather Shay]

@sineadhi am so glad you are here. I am happy to see some of us older ladies here to share and support each other.

[KayC]

Hi @Astrid56!  nice to meet you, and I want to add on to the warm Welcome everybody has given.

Your story has a familiar ring to it for me, and so I know you will find this Forum truly helpful.  Hope to hear more from you in the future.

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Rianon]

Hello, Sineadh

 

It makes me smile to see how many of us resorted to military service to bolster our "manhood." I did it, too. At my age (76), I was at that decision point in my life (What to do now that I've finished college?) when none of us (I certainly didn't) have the vocabulary necessary to identify what was secretly troubling us through our toddler, teenage, and young adult years. I fell for the obvious: I decided I was gay. However, before trotting off to college, I'd attended an art school. I was still years away from coming out as a putative gay man; I stayed "stealth" through all four years of art school. But I was surrounded by boys who weren't in the least shy about being gay. They were what my dad would call the sissy-boys. These sissy-boys terrified me. I was afraid if I dared make a friend of one of them ... well, Ker-BOOM! Goodbye, stealth! I lost sleep over the question: Was it possible to be both gay and yet so "extreme"? We had so few role models in the '60s. I felt doomed. Then, I found the voluminous correspondence of an Englishman who had died 10 years before I was born. He appeared to have lived a successful life, balancing gayness and masculinity. At the time, I didn't understand that this man's gayness was, in fact, his hidden gender dysphoria. Since he had resorted to military service, I too would use military service and, in doing so, be ... PRESTO! Happy! How wrong I was! I spent four years in the US Army (I won't say "wasted" years, because I did learn a lot, too), including two combat tours. All I'd really succeeded at doing was delaying the self-discovery of my own topsy-turvy gender. It would take me another twenty years before I managed that. This is a grand subject. I could go on and on. (I've a reputation for going on and on. Ha!) I'll stop here, saying again what a big grin it gives to see how many of us went into the military to be cured of something that didn't need "curing" in the first place.

 

Welcome, Sineadh!

 

Cheers!

Riannon