slow and steady

[shyla]

i appologise if i keep putting up topics that were probably asked on before. I have a wonderful wife who is supporting me through my transition, and short of going backwards with the actual transition i would do anything to hold my marrage together. she asked me to take my transition slow, so we dont , for lack of a better word, "lose" certain friends and family. now i am able to be me at home, when we are out of town, etc. with the understanding that i will soon enough go 100% full time as myself. now the question, during the early phases of transition did you still have to pretend to be a man. if so did you feel awkward while you were in that fake persona? i do.

[Heather Shay]

@shyla - no need to ever feel you need to apologize. There are so many posts over the years it's nearly impossible not to repeat postings from the past. I am so glad your wife supports you. THAT is extremely important and so vital if staying together is important to both of you. Taking it slow is wise, because although you might have lived with this a long time, she still needs to grieve in her own time and in her own way and her request to take it slow isn't a lot to ask. Being able to be you at home is a very big step and wonderful she supports you in that. In regard to feeling awkward in putting on a fake persona I think it is different for everyone. I'm becoming more and more desirious of showing more of me but I have lived so long the other way, I can handle it knowing I have support from my dearest friend as my wife gains assure and acceptance of me and I know it is important to bring her along on my journey.

 

Take it slow - spend quality time with your wife, be good to your wife, take in therapy and learn and grow stronger and stronger, knowing you will reach your goal and you are making progress every day. And if you feel awkward, that's a part of growing into the true you.

 

Hugs,

 

Heather Shay

[Red_Lauren.]

While I'm not married. I agree with shay. Take it slow, and spend quilty time with your wife. I just got back together with my old lady, and she knew I struggled with my trans issues since I was a teenager. We are taking it day by day for now, and see what happens. That is the only advice I can give. 

[Joanne07081]

Good morning Shyla

This is my plan as well, take things nice and slow and allow things to sink in. I just started back on HRT and plan on coming out to my wife in a few weeks. She is a kind and understanding person, and when we got back together after 35 years apart I told her all about my previous transition attempt, which she accepted without batting an eyelash. 

 

To answer your question, I will be presenting as male while I work. At my age I do not expect HRT to have a radical effect on me, so I can take my time and work on other stuff. The one thing that may cause me to accelerate my timeline is that I just found out my healthcare plan at work my pay for some gender related treatments including surgery, so I may have to go full time ahead of schedule. 

[Susan R]

On 6/9/2021 at 11:47 AM, shyla said:

she asked me to take my transition slow, so we dont , for lack of a better word, "lose" certain friends and family.

It’s good to have a wife that supports you at any speed of transition. Your spouse is working with you and something to be very happy about. The possible loss of friends and family is real. Your wife understands that some people take a lot of time to get to a level of acceptance. I found that out the hard way. Some never come around so her concern is valid. I hope you continue to find that happy balance between moving forward and making your spouse comfortable.

 

On 6/9/2021 at 11:47 AM, shyla said:

during the early phases of transition did you still have to pretend to be a man. if so did you feel awkward while you were in that fake persona? i do.

I remember as I was coming out to the world the was a week long period when half my friends and neighbors knew and half didn’t. The switching of personas was very difficult and I felt fake when shifting back to male.

 

I remember one of my good but conservative older friends saying, “You know your hair is getting really long…are you going to eventually keep it in a pony tail?” The question came out of the blue. I was sure she was fishing for answers to my androgynous look but I wasn’t ready to tell her at that time so I just answered her, “Yes, I think I might have to”. ? That was it. It was a very strained conversation. The next week and sat down with her and came out over a two hour discussion. She swears she had no clue but is today very accepting. It took her awhile to get my name and pronouns correct but it’s all good now.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[KayC]

On 6/10/2021 at 3:47 AM, shyla said:

during the early phases of transition did you still have to pretend to be a man. if so did you feel awkward

Hi Shyla -- Yes, and Yes .. and I am still in that phase, but the pretending part is pretty easy ... been doing it my entire life.

Any level of support from a spouse is incredibly important.  My situation is complicated and there are similar "restrictions" I have to deal with for now, but the plan to "go slow" is working for me and my wife so far, and if it helps her come to terms with all of this then its hopefully worth it in the long run.

@Shay and @Susan R provided some great experience and advice so I hope that is helpful for you. 

 

... one step at a time ?

[Maddee]

Shyla, my life has been one awkward phase after another.

The first 4 years Iof transitioning, j was performing a music program in retirement communities across the USA.  Doing a Johnny Cash tribute.

Change into makeup and women's clothes soon as I left each gig, and going femme for driving, shopping, lodging, and home with neighbors.

Public, split-persona awkward.

I'm sorry America

 

On 6/9/2021 at 2:47 PM, shyla said:

now the question, during the early phases of transition did you still have to pretend to be a man. if so did you feel awkward while you were in that fake persona? i do.