Dropping the shell

[Alice_Sybilina]

I've never been one to ease into the pool (except when actually easing into a pool), so here I am. Call me Sybil. I'm really excited to become part of this community, I feel like I'll need the help. I'm 35, married, in a throuple, and gender fluid. I like being a man, I'm really good at it when it matches, but I'm figuring out just how much time I spend as a woman in my head. I haven't opened up about it to anyone at all until a few days ago. I came out to my wife and old man before work. That was a scary day to have to sit through. Then I told my grandmother and brother and so far, even though I keep expecting to have to force myself back into my male role to defend myself, I've found nothing but support, so I'm blessed in a way I haven't let myself see so far. I have 5 kids, and they are amazing. I am still terrified every few seconds that everyone is faking being okay with me. I'm scared that I won't be able to be who I want to be because I have problems with abandonment issues and I don't want to lose my people... Whew. There's more in here than I thought. I like looking like a guy, full beard, athletic body, big hands, but sometimes I wish I could switch it over at will because it's hard to be happy as a girl when no one would ever guess. I don't get why that's so important. To be seen. I've got way more in me as a girl that wants so much to be seen. 

[Heather Shay]

I too have had abandonment issues so my highest recommendation is seeking a therapist with gender identity background unless you already have. This is a very difficult journey without guidance but one worth pursuing. Welcome to your other resource ... This forum. There are many here who relate and there to be with you and share.

[Alice_Sybilina]

I don't feel like therapists have much for me. My mother drug me through a revolving door of therapists, counselors, and psychologists. I want a mentor. I'm strong enough to find myself. With good people. 

[Alice_Sybilina]

That sounded not the way it was supposed to sound. 

[Heather Shay]

I have also been to multiple therapists for over 50 years but finding a gender specialist made all the difference in the world. There are recommended counsellors you can find listed here and for some in your area you can look at Psychology Today that was how I found mine and I count be happier. 

Don't do it alone. Being you own physician is never a good idea.

[Alice_Sybilina]

I've gotten so much better results. When I realized I was the only one who could fix all my broken parts I did the work. I said the mean things and the scary things to myself. I found my support circle. I figured out who I was and decided to be happy for me. I know what everyone says about being your own therapist, but I've done a good job and I keep finding things to fix. I study constantly. Thankfully my job doesn't use much of my brain so I listen to audiobooks, books, podcasts, YouTube videos, I study the things I need to know. Then I use my two-naturedness to talk to myself all day. My biggest accomplishment so far is to stop having conversations with people in my head. Like I'm supposed to know what people will say. I'm here to keep growing with you all. And more importantly I want to be here to say something to someone else that is stuck like I was. I want to be here for people who are scared because all we have are words and I have a lot of them for anyone who is scared with me. 

[Alice_Sybilina]

So I'm not doing it alone. I'm doing it with all my people, all of you. I know how to listen. 

[Delcina B]

Welcome Sybil! Glad you're here.

 

"To be seen." I've been meditating on its vital importance for me as well. I know & finally accept the femme in me; she is real & beautiful & caring, but haven't unlocked the driving need to outwardly present, for it is real too. For now I accept it without fully understanding why, as it brings me serenity.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Alice_Sybilina]

Thank you so much hun. Yeah,at first, after admitting it, I was thinking, I've put so much time into my body so at least I don't feel wrong in it. But to be truthful I've been struggling with the fact that I can't present as both when the moment comes that I'm not the same. 

[Niamh]

Not sure I can offer advice specifically, but I'm always happy for people to bounce ideas/brainstorm stuff with me. 

 

I'm also genderfluid, and trying to work out the right balance and just exactly what Niamh needs compared to Neil (my male side) continues to be a challenge. My friends, nearly all my facebook friends and all my family except my wife have welcomed Niamh probably more so than they ever welcomed Neil. My wife accepts Niamh but has set strict limits on how far she supports her. She's fine at home with Niamh and even buys Niamh occasionally girly things, but won't join me when I'm Niamh outside of the home.

 

All I know is that Niamh is the extension of me that has always wanted to be seen but until recently was hidden away, with only a few clues to her existence. This is an important distinction to me compared to some of my transgender women friends for whom the woman they always knew was there was the real person and not just part of them.

 

I had pretty much worked out what I wanted in terms of my gender identity (and equally what I did not want) before I saw a counselling therapist specialising in gender and sexuality).  After a few sessions where I articulated how I saw my life and was just seeking clarity that I was not being stupid, we agreed that the most likely label to apply was that I was Transgender - Genderfluid. I stopped going after that and he was happy with that.

 

Having said that - I'm not over keen on labels, but if it helps others to gain some understanding that I need to be more than just Neil and possibly a lot more, I'll accept the value of the label.

[Alice_Sybilina]

100%. You just told my story. I've been "straight and cis" for 35 years. It took me by surprise until I admitted I've not been hiding it very well. I'm masculine as hell in public. I talked a bit of a good game up there but I do have problems with my body and sorting all of me out. It just came out sitting there one morning. I even tried to push it back down since my last post. I'm not happy about that but I didn't think I would be able to give everyone the life they deserve as me. But my wife has done my makeup and my whole family was there with support. So I'm out for good. About to tell everyone. Thank you so much for your words. This really is a place to heal. 

[Ivy]

Welcome Sybil