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17 Signs I was Transgender and didn't know it.


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swallow

Hi Vini,

 

You know what I've found gives me decent 'form' without prejudice to comfort is Dungarees. 🤗

 

I'm personally allergic to Denim so I get light cloth/cotton types that have a slight flare around the hips accentuating them.

 

I don't need to be as careful with my tuck which is another benefit.😄

 

But today I went out with a new B&B Gaff (from the UK...bloody expensive as they say)....and the whole purpose was to test the water with a pair of tight just above the knee (Leave not much to imagination) yoga shorts.😬

 

It seemed a better flat look than my previous "gaff" so I went out with a bit more abandon. (what you don't know sometimes emboldens you and makes you fearless)😌

 

OTOH when back at the house following replenishment mission (99cents, supermarket, Trader Joes) to restock fridge and larder raided by Teenagers... I was sitting with my legs bunched up and looked down to notice there was still a bulge which was annoying, another sign of dysphoria.

 

I still can't seem to be completely satisfied with the flatness (without having to resort to masochistic taping which I avoid)😓

 

...but of course somewhat expected I suppose, since I was 'testing the boundaries'.

 

Still when I was out, I had the checkout lady at the market call me "Hun" (and not the German kind) so I reckon it was a pass till I of course opened my big mouth.🙄

 

Cest La Vie.

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swallow

...the funny thing is I've always dressed somewhat neutral/femme so people around me tend to think its just me being eccentric.

 

Today my sister warned me to tone down maybe fall back on dungarees if I was going to visit my cousin (She's a great cook had 12 kids or something ridiculous) in Northern Cali.🤭

 

But I reminded her that cousin was on my facebook and I have been posting pics of me in yoga pants...galore. Surely she must have put two and two together...🤔

 

I have half a mind now to show up in a dress.😁

 

 

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RhondaS
10 hours ago, Vini said:

Thats awesome @Billie75B  that we could identify with our experiences, a warm fuzzy.  I hope you enjoy your transition too.  And @RhondaSand @Jandi one of the reasons I decided to start hrt was other Girls who were so glad that they finally "felt" the way they always wanted after transition.  And Coach Jamie on youtube has one video where she is past the excitement of dressing and make up and is happily satisfied with just being her trans self in tshirts and tights.  

 

I have heard that getting those 'feelings' is not a universal experience, but for me it happened and I hadn't read much about that aspect of it so thinking it was real and not just a placebo effect.

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MaddieK

I've started noticing that there were signs for me growing up that I just didn't latch onto (or just considered that everyone thought that way)

 

The main one was this wish I had for as long as I can remember that I'd be reincarnated female. 

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@swallow I just watched Coach Jamie on Youtube tucking video yesterday. And she showed how she makes gaffs out of inexpensive leggings, even peach color. Just a couple clips, slip them together and voila. 

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@MaddieK  Wouldnt it have been nice if part of 6th grade health class would have been : "If you find yourself feeling such and such or feeling this way its ok. You may be transgender and its perfectly natural. There are all kinds of people in this world and they all deserve respect. "  " Maybe when you're staring at the 8th grade girls legs in their uniforms, you are wishing you could wear a skirt and thinking how great it would feel, And if you would like to talk to someone about your phantasies just let us know" Maybe some enlightened teachers or parents do that now.  If the Republican Legislatures haven't made it against the law

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Thanks @RhondaSthat makes me look forward transition and reinforces my decision.  Like deciding to go out in public, I was worried about telling the hairdresser how I wanted my tips clipped so it would grow longer.  But she knew exactly what I wanted and explained "dusting" to me and even asked if I wanted my sideburns taken away with me asking.  Maybe more signs : )

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1 hour ago, Vini said:

sideburns taken away with me asking.

sb sideburns taken away without me asking...

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RhondaS

@ViniOoh, dusting is a good word to know, hope I can remember that for next time, thanks!

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16 hours ago, MaddieK said:

I've started noticing that there were signs for me growing up that I just didn't latch onto…

There were things I was afraid somebody else would find out about me.  So I did my best to hide them, and trained myself to act more like "the other guys".  

An example: going to jr high and realizing I was instinctively carrying my books like the girls!  I made myself switch in a hurry.  Can't let anyone know how I am inside.

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Bri2020

Hmm, 17 huh. I think I can do that.  I just had my epiphany when I was 54 (a year ago now). Once I did, and accepted who I was, over the following year when talking about life I kept having these- "well that was a sign" revelations. lol

 

1: recurring dream around 8-10 that I was abducted by aliens and they transformed me into a girl

2: A bunch of boys were passing around an advertisement for "breast growing cream" in 3rd grade because it showed a boob and all I could think was where can I get that- you mean I could grow one with that cream? The other boys had different reactions to it.

3. I loved womens clothes as a kid and would look through the women's sections of catalogs

4. Started trying on panty hose and underwear of my moms when no one was home (10 years old?)

5. Around 7-8 years old I discovered I could, with a little work, shove my penis into itself and wished it would stay there.  My first truly dysphoric memory. 

6 As puberty hit and my sex drive kicked in I wanted girls to "ask me to prom", not me asking them. I was attracted to girls, just didn't like pursuing, I wanted to be the one who someone tries to woo.

7. As a teenager/Dead Head, discovered out of body experience of LSD and my trips often involved dancing and imagining myself/hallucinating I was the hippie chick in long flowing skirts and flowers in my hair. Any songs about women,girls etc, I identified with the girl, not the guy trying to get her.

8. Tried to excel at sports or do anything "daring" to prove I was masculine. Lots of scars later.....

9. Joined Army- see #8

10. Bought a Kamono while in the army because it felt more feminine and I could say it was a "cultural" purchase

11. Discovered I hated BJs, I never achieve orgasim that way because it just felt wrong.

12. Discovered I loved going down on a woman and realized I achieved better results for them that way than using my male parts. It brought me closer to organism so "finishing" with my male parts was quicker

13.  Dropped out of being Pre-med because all the doctors I met while volunteering were as#*$&# and I wanted to be part of the nursing world instead so got that degree.

14. When I burnt out from being a nurse, I went into another female dominated field of massage therapy.

15. Periodically as an adult I felt the need to cross dress when my life go too stressful, it calmed my soul but then the guilt/shame kicked in and I buried that deep for years at a time and would instead try to do "manly stuff" for awhile

16. Got into cycling because I could wear lycra and shave my legs and legitimize it.

17. Most of life tried to stay "slim" even in the Army, avoiding developing a "muscular body"

18. Developed a love of womens fashion but buried the "interest" and realization it was jealousy of what "they" got to wear

19. Secretly loved "90s girl mall pop" like Brittany Spears, Belinda Carlisle, Tiffany etc lol

and the list goes on...............

 

Of course, once you "see something" you start looking for it more which can become a self fulfilling endeavour so not 100% sure everything was because of my buried feminine identity.

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@RhondaS yes you can google  "dusting" and get a definition description of cutting just the tips of hair.  Nothing to do with drugs or His Dark Materials, which is pretty good on hbo btw : )  Why did identify with Lyra for two seasons lol

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@Bri2020  I think you deserve an award for the most signs a lot of us could identify with.  Thank you.  You may be right, like when you buy a new car and you start to see so many of the same car on the road you never noticed before.  Kind of like you I thought working my way through school as a Nursing Assistant would be good experience, but after 5 years on a Hospital Medical ward, I had had enough of Medicine.  

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swallow

Dusting? The Hair is definitely a sign!

 

Wanted to have long hair at school but wasn't allowed to.☹️

 

I've had my hair short in the military and still looked somewhat feminine/boyish.😬

 

But the moment I left, I started to grow it. Then I had to cut it short again because of the government job. Then with my partner, I kept if short for a decade or so later with the birth of my first child, started to grow it out again (with a short lived excursion trying a mohawk)😁

 

Since then, I've kept it long but its been a real struggle.

 

(Slight exaggeration) but not one day it seem went by without someone making a 'negative' comment on my hair length.

 

I don't know why it was everyone-else's problem?🥺

 

Frequent nagging from my mom, at work, people would allude to it by calling me a 'hippy', even my partner commented on it (particularly when I tried braiding to one side for convenience at work). She called it a "Rat tail" bc it was thin.

 

Deep down, it bothered me.😨

 

I brushed it off of course and stubbornly persisted with it but they kept at it too.

 

I just could not the life of me understand why it was such an issue for everyone (Granted I did not manage my hair terribly well at times)

 

But the one thing that really touched me was one day, during our fight with her Cancer (My partner) casually told me she was going to help me with her hair. She gave it  trim. It may have been somewhat of a give in for her but it was the most tender thing for me secretly.☺️

 

She never asked me to shave my head in sympathy with her even if secretly I was prepared to do so if she had asked (of course I hoped she didn't)...but my family were constantly putting pressure on me to do it to show solidarity.

 

I could not see how that would support her any more than I was doing daily and I don't think she disagreed with me either, in that we were quite like minded.

 

So when she took it to give my hair the care, it was a real special moment for me.🥰

 

And I regret never telling her.😥

 

But the long hair (seemingly trivial) has been such an issue.

 

I'm probably better off with shorter hair at this age, but I can't bring myself to do it yet. I want to enjoy it while I still have it.🤔

 

 

 

 

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swallow

Vini,

 

I should try to manufacture my own Gaff.....I've purchased so many weird ones...😄

 

There was the one with a large metal ring that came with zero instructions. I did not think it was for your genitals so eventually I think I figured out it was meant to sit just above on the pelvis to hold everything in place below. Great...but good luck going thru TSA or any form of security. Alarm bells (Plus awkward explanation)😬

 

There was one that was advertised to have a slit so (X rated) you can leave a bit of skin in between for visual replication of female form...but it did not come connected at the back (Presumably bc it was for easy access?)...which meant it kept slipping down. No go.🙄

 

There was the one which seems to work the best but had two small pouches (sacks?) to give more comfort to tucked testicles. In actual fact they showed too much bc... 😶

 

This definitely is an obsession now but oddly not so before where I was content wearing boxers for comfort.

 

But I've ALWAYS wished I could cast the magic spell and make the two sacks lift up neatly into place, have the Mister shrink away. 🥺

 

Its an oddball relation, I don't hate him but I don't want him either. I feel sorry for him but I'm really bothered by him.

 

 

 

 

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@swallow yes I just learned about "dusting" yesterday at supercuts.  "Hair dusting is a technique  in which you don't get rid of any hair length, but only the damaged hair tips, this can be done by snipping the very bottom of each hair."

I had gone through all about how I just got long enough for it all in a ponytail.  So she only took a half inch from the real long back and dusted the rest.  And I have to thank her because it feels really good now a day later.  Maybe cause I have less little sharp tips stabbing me,  And like you, long hair has always been an issue for me and I'm kicking myself for giving in all these years.  But If you remember, we could get kicked out of school and sports and jobs in the 50-60s and assaulted in jail if caught with a roach.  And youre right, if still have hair we should take advantage of and maybe donate it in the future if we can.

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swallow

Bri...

 

I met Tiffany once. She's a little older now. Super friendly. Came as a bit of a shock since I associated her with the teen.

 

 

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@swallow I think Coach Jamie on youtube said she got some inexpensive leggings at Target and shows you how to cut them up to make a gaff.  I'm just glad the little guy is flexible and his pals will slip up there out of sight.  But a lingerie gaff is an essential for me now : )

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swallow

Vini,

 

Yah I've been watching some music Videos from the 70s recently...people (males) were sporting incredible hair length and were slim enough to fit those unisuits (not sure if this is the right word for one piece outfits) tot to mention some incredibly feminine pieces of attire...gender seem quite 'unisex' then.🤗

 

So wasn't sure why in the new century, it was still such a big deal for some people....particularly those at work (on a film set of all things...there are so many other people, muscular grips with long hair, they never got any comments)🙄

 

...with my mom, I think its bc she's religious. Deep down I think she may suspect something.

 

She had a rough decade with my philandering father and some shrink told her that one issue could be her oldest son (me) could turn Transgender (!)...🤨

 

Some years back when my Partner was around (just before the cancer in fact), my mom actually thanked her for 'keeping me male' bc (as reported to me by my partner) she said I could be a little 'that way' (which my partner interpreted as maybe 'gay'?). The irony!🤭

 

So maybe that's the consternation for hair length.

 

My partner also used to complain that if I lost too much weight, I look like a girl so added to that with the hair length...OTOH I think the other side of the coin was she was truly concern I wasn't managing my hair and looked messy...

 

Well at least I like to think I'm better these days with it.

 

I've also been snipping off the ends...I didn't realise there was a term for it either. 😄

 

 

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@swallow  A friend of my first wife worked for Act Theatre in Seattle and she would tell us, so and so was up here from Hollywood in between films, He/She is pretty nice.  And we would go "really, wow!"

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@swallow I really like Jackie Rabbit's advice on youtube: " You dont owe anyone an explanation, you dont have to tell anyone you are transgender, you can just enjoy being your self"  It has helped going out in public, like in and out of supercuts with shoulder length hair.  just let the other customers stare.  they probably wish they could too but would fight to deny it. Like the 60s commercial said, Only your hairdresser knows for sure ? LOL

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swallow

Haircuts have actually been complicated for me.😞

 

I got a small bit of ear snipped off when I was in High school. Ironically I went to the 'best barber in town' as recommended by some friends who were appalled at where I had been patronising...😬

 

...but (Bobby? the Greek) 'best in town barber' nipped it off (blood everywhere, apologetically applied some liquid skin which of course did not work)and I had to go to see urgent care/nurse who remarked to me " scars make a man"...😵

 

Thankfully it was top of the ear and almost unnoticeable.

 

But since then, I have had a bit of a fear of the barber which has grown over time...🙄

 

and as you know, hairdressers (particularly for women) cost more. I usually find ones who have an introductory offer...🤭

 

I rarely go in for hair, mostly manage it on my own as much as I can.

 

Sometimes I would see our friend who is Gay but I've yet to come out with him (even if likely he suspects it)🧐

 

Most of the time, they assume I want a men's long hair cut like a 'rock star' so its hard to steer them in the 'right direction'

 

 

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Ah, Hair today, gone tomorrow.

 

Haven't been to an actual barber (or stylist) since escaping the military.

 

I have mine over my shoulders, but there's not a lot of it left on top.   That's why in my pix I always have a kerchief over my hair/scalp.  I should probably just face reality and get a wig though.

 

I was always soooo jealous of my sisters growing up.  By high school theirs was waist length.  My brother and I always had the buzzcut.

 

When I finally got a chance, I let it grow hippie style.   But then Uncle Sam took care of that.  When he finally cut me loose I grew it out again.  At its longest, I wore it in braids.  But then, I had to go to court, and snip snip again.  I was trying to stay out of jail.

 

By the time it was growing again, I started going to church and long hair wasn't kosher.  I used to cut it once a year to keep them off my case.  Eventually I just said screw it and let it grow again.  But now *cringe* my scalp is poking through.  Alas…  (I blame my mother's family)

 

Always did love how it felt on the shoulders and feels in a breeze.  Thankfully I still have a bit of that.  

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Erica Gabriel
23 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

Hmm, 17 huh. I think I can do that.  I just had my epiphany when I was 54 (a year ago now). Once I did, and accepted who I was, over the following year when talking about life I kept having these- "well that was a sign" revelations. lol

 

1: recurring dream around 8-10 that I was abducted by aliens and they transformed me into a girl

2: A bunch of boys were passing around an advertisement for "breast growing cream" in 3rd grade because it showed a boob and all I could think was where can I get that- you mean I could grow one with that cream? The other boys had different reactions to it.

3. I loved womens clothes as a kid and would look through the women's sections of catalogs

4. Started trying on panty hose and underwear of my moms when no one was home (10 years old?)

5. Around 7-8 years old I discovered I could, with a little work, shove my penis into itself and wished it would stay there.  My first truly dysphoric memory. 

6 As puberty hit and my sex drive kicked in I wanted girls to "ask me to prom", not me asking them. I was attracted to girls, just didn't like pursuing, I wanted to be the one who someone tries to woo.

7. As a teenager/Dead Head, discovered out of body experience of LSD and my trips often involved dancing and imagining myself/hallucinating I was the hippie chick in long flowing skirts and flowers in my hair. Any songs about women,girls etc, I identified with the girl, not the guy trying to get her.

8. Tried to excel at sports or do anything "daring" to prove I was masculine. Lots of scars later.....

9. Joined Army- see #8

10. Bought a Kamono while in the army because it felt more feminine and I could say it was a "cultural" purchase

11. Discovered I hated BJs, I never achieve orgasim that way because it just felt wrong.

12. Discovered I loved going down on a woman and realized I achieved better results for them that way than using my male parts. It brought me closer to organism so "finishing" with my male parts was quicker

13.  Dropped out of being Pre-med because all the doctors I met while volunteering were as#*$&# and I wanted to be part of the nursing world instead so got that degree.

14. When I burnt out from being a nurse, I went into another female dominated field of massage therapy.

15. Periodically as an adult I felt the need to cross dress when my life go too stressful, it calmed my soul but then the guilt/shame kicked in and I buried that deep for years at a time and would instead try to do "manly stuff" for awhile

16. Got into cycling because I could wear lycra and shave my legs and legitimize it.

17. Most of life tried to stay "slim" even in the Army, avoiding developing a "muscular body"

18. Developed a love of womens fashion but buried the "interest" and realization it was jealousy of what "they" got to wear

19. Secretly loved "90s girl mall pop" like Brittany Spears, Belinda Carlisle, Tiffany etc lol

and the list goes on...............

 

Of course, once you "see something" you start looking for it more which can become a self fulfilling endeavour so not 100% sure everything was because of my buried feminine identity.

11 and 16 🤣. I was a cyclist before but it definitely made it easier to pass off shaved legs. I’ve also trouble with “bj’s” ( sorry kids). Many have tried and failed. I feel detached from that part of my anatomy. 

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swallow

Oh Erica behave...😉

 

-wind chills-?

 

I quite like -wind chills-...I like the warmth & texture in my mouth...but I'm quite oral don't half mind licking or sucking too ...could be because I also love food (must just remember not to bite down)😬.

 

Actually maybe performance anxiety IS also a BIG sign for most?

 

I know my own failure rate is very high.😳

 

As "the male" I felt the pressure of having to (literally of course) 'Stand and Deliver'😓

 

...I could never truly feel relaxed and in wild abandonment. Everything seemed a thin line between eruptive success and complete mission failure, too much concentration going on to ensure the other gets their pleasure (which is ironically the main thing that turns me on and also keeps me going)

 

but it also felt so intrinsically/primodially wrong to me to be the one doing the gifting. I much prefer receiving the gifts.

 

Oops...Apologies if even more X rated than intended. Hope I'm not contravening any rules. Someone please remind me if I have.🤭

 

I expect its a little different for women although of course Cis-women have the danger/anxiety of the unwanted pregnancy to worry about but otherwise if non reproductive, at least I could concentrate on taking my own pleasure.😌

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    • Elizabeth Star
      On yesterday's episode of: A woman's Work is Never Done.   On my way how from work mt partner called to let me know her mother bought us a new back door. The original door was very old, beat up and had almost zero insulation value. We knew it had to be replaced, I just didn't want to do it "right now". I got home just in time to take five-er before there was knock on the door. In walks my MIL, FIL and BIL. Before I knew it, I was tearing out the old door. The door faces West and we're on a hill so I spent the next 5 hours roasting in the afternoon sun. Thankfully I didn't have all the trim that's needed so I was able to call it quits after the door was and frame were mounted. Plan is to get the final trim work done this morning and then back to cutting up the trees I dropped last weekend.   For you amusement I included a picture, my partner took, of me while I was working and of the newly installed door.    
    • Bri2020
      @Niamh looking cute as always! @Emily MicheleAdorable!  I'm glad to hear you're healing well. You must be on top of the world!
    • Bri2020
      Congrats on starting the new chapter with your wife and daughter! I agree with your sentiments. Also, the longer you hide something from significant people in your life, the percentage chance of keeping it all together go down. I understood that when I finally accepted who I was, I couldn't keep that from my wife for long. Don't be surprised if however, things get more challenging for you two.  Talk to each other, opening up about the loss and well as the joy of living your true self.  She might be really supportive right now but then go through the stages of grief like denial, anger, bargaining etc.  GET a couples counselor to help you all navigate the change now instead of waiting for some crisis to develop. Good luck!  
    • Shay
      @LaurenA I agree with @Jackie C. you are doing amazing considering what you've had to deal with and I'm proud of you. Just wanted to let you know that.
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