Running Fast and Away from the Paranoia of Prying eyes....

[swallow]

Hi,

 

Today's tory time + self reflection of yesterday...

 

Upon advise here, I decided to give it another go and take my new above the knee Yoga shorts out for another spin.?

 

...because one must face up to one's fears...or at least that was the intent.?

 

I got myself tucked as neat as possible with first a tight waist control panty and then over-layed with the new gaff. I was further pushing the boundaries this time with a black exercise crop top. I have some paranoia on the tummy portion just below the ribs, it isn't big or anything but it can appear to stick out bc I had train to make it solid and impervious from punches when in service. I've been working on its reduction with vacuums so...

 

Having stared down my body from every possibly imaginable angle for almost an hour, I went off for the (literal) test run.

 

I had to pick my daughter up later from a park nearby so I chose a fairly quiet road near the beach (away from too many prying eyes)?

 

Of course being LA, it was still busy as it was around Traffic Hour (well late afternoon rush back from work traffic hour since there are so many traffic hours these days)☠️☠️

 

The road itself was a gentle long sloping one down to the beach.

 

I parked up top near the park under some trees which gave me a bit of protection to garner myself and make last minute checks and adjustments by the car before launching myself into the unknown.

 

Finally having gathered enough nerve, I ran gracefully down toward the beach. There was a park some ways down toward the end which was the great test since I had passed by and seen a number of people picnicking by my intended running path. Will there be stares or cat calls or any sniggering laughter I dare not turn around to confirm if directed at me? ?

 

And there was a steady parade of cars coming up from the beach which I was in full view of for all my glory.

 

The paranoia started to creep in which served to only quicken my pace as I attempted to out run any potentially untoward calling outs.

 

I passed by a couple with their child in a stroller, gave them reasonable polite berth (as this was ALSO the first time I was running without a mask)

 

They paid me no heed (with thankfully better preoccupation in hand in the stroller)?

 

Then I waltzed by the park with several groups of women chatting seated around picnic blankets.

 

Again maybe I was going very quickly now with the (Thankful) force of gravity so did not see or hear any attention paid to me nor with the group of work men at the very end of the path closer to the beach (Surely they would notice?)

 

Great! No undue attention as I reached the bottom then of course I realised I had to run back up...?

 

I contemplated running back the way I came from but I did not want to run pass the same people twice thinking maybe I escaped their attention the first time bc of speed and may not be so fortunate the second time round.

 

...so a bold (spur of the moment) decision was taken to cross the busy road (in front of a ready gallery of cars) to the other side where it looked a more empty path going up.

 

They must have (barely) seen the 'flash' run across them. In fact I felt like a streaker in my crop top and shorts making across the Pedestrian crossing...?

 

I suppose most people in the traffic were more concern about getting home bc I heard no untoward calls and happily made my way up the path...

 

Except of course it was now up hill and I was a bit spent on the down hill part trying to go fast so it was for most part stop and go all the way back up.

 

I did pass a couple of women running in opposite direction. I think one of them did look at me and checked me out but more likely bc by this stage I was breathing rather heavily probably looking like I was about to pass out.?

 

I finally got to the top, boldly crossed the road one more time and  went to the safety of the cover of the tree by the car to calm myself down...

 

It was about time to pick up my daughter and I had a thin white cotton cover up shirt to put over my 'crop top' so I'd look a bit more 'decent'?

 

I walked the 100 yards up hill toward the park when a very LARGE muscular man without shirt walked down the road from the right of me. Nervous, I decided to slow down and walk behind him. He was on his cell anyway...quite obviously I was neither attractive enough to him to get a second look nor offensive enough to warrant undue adverse attention.

 

So I punched the crossing button with more confidence to get across to the park...

 

That's of course when I realised I was at the wrong park completely. What a ditz.?

 

Fortunately the other park was a ten minute drive away. (In fact it turned out to be a familiar park very close to where my Therapist lives)

 

When I finally got to pick up my daughter from her Tennis match... she saw me in my thinly veiled crop top, shorts and knee high electric blue compression socks.

 

"WHAT AN ABOMINATION!" she hollered.?

 

My heart stopped.

 

I have not yet come out to her. I am so fearful of rejection from her. Did she feel resentment if I was somehow trying to take the place of her departed mother or maybe she was calling the truth that I look like a complete 'monstrosity'...a million thoughts flashed across my tiny mind in that nano second.

 

"...I just went for a run" I mumbled unconvincingly.

 

" That..." she continued, " is such a bizarre color choice"

 

And with that she entered the car.

 

A sigh of relief. ?

 

Either it was a good save on her part or she seem to have  true objection to my color combination for the day ( I happen to like the color of my socks but she is post millennial maybe)

 

Once again I've run away with/from it.?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[tracy_j]

There is nothing like our children to call us out as we inevitably get it wrong as far as they are concerned. That goes under almost  all circumstances whether we are trying to pass as another gender or not.

 

I must admit though that the main time I was noticed was when I wore a cropped jacket. Crop tops, at least here, are predominantly for the teenage or not much older years so can look a little odd on someone much older. They also don't go well with anyone who is not very slim. I remembering literally bringing the main street in a local small town almost to a standstill as people stopped and stared. Surprisingly it did a lot for my confidence and the experience also taught me a lot as well but I suppose it was an extreme cure. A point to note is that anything that accentuates the body or stands out will attract attention so crop tops, vivid colours or body hugging clothing will. A lot depends on your locality though and what is generally worn there.

 

I think you had a good day if it was only your daughter who reacted in such a way. It was maybe good as she will steadily get used to your change. I would call it a success!

 

Tracy

[swallow]

Hi Tracy,

 

Yah the crop top is quite up there when it comes to challenging the limits. I'm surprise my daughter has not mention my Bra underneath. sure its a 34A but it's quite noticeable...?

 

Today I went with resolve to tell one of my business partners about my issue since I am concern if he gets blow back from others being "associated" with me.

 

He seems thus far not bothered and has accepted I am very girly for a 'man' but there seems that lingering tension of a question he may be 'dying' to ask poor fella...☺️

 

However on the way to our meet up, as I was happily mincing my way down toward some random Skateboard delivery guy (Its California) came rolling up my path and shouted out to me " Hey you are BEAUTIFUL...don't let anyone tell you otherwise, you are really pretty!"?

 

Err...I did not know how to respond as it was a bit unexpected. Thankfully he rolled by still shouting "You're Pretty, don't forget that."

 

Was I clocked?

 

Was it a compliment? I like to think it was even if I was 'clocked'.

 

It certainly did not do for the paranoia but it was too late, I was at venue. The people at the restaurant (a small one thankfully) looked up to see who it was that was being called "Pretty" in such emphatic manner by crazy skateboard guy...?

 

Thankfully my business associate was not there yet and the patrons went back to their dining on the patio.

 

And I had thought I had 'dressed down ' for the meeting wearing admittedly my leggings but electing to go with a generic T shirt (which I did tie to shorten somewhat)...and of course my anklet.?

 

Well nothing doing. In the end, I was knocked out of my zone a bit. My business partner arrived, we caught up and had a good chat about a potential future project but I lost my nerve to open on subject intended.?

 

Oh well, next time.

[swallow]

Update and success...

 

I came out to my business partner eventually tonight...by text (not the best but oh well)?

 

Just felt I needed to prepare him in case some untoward comments came his way by association.

 

Like everyone-else he said he just took it I was 'Avant Garde'. I take that to mean we are ahead of our time.?

 

Particularly men can seem so clueless...

 

I mean I was wearing my Bra today. Maybe I have to grow a pair...seem obvious I wasn't batting for the same team?

 

Actually later, I called my Dad to wish him Happy Father's Day and he saw me in my leggings and asked me what kind of pants those were... which was awkward (he is SUPER religious)...I mumbled indignantly "Well they're just pants" and carried on with my dinner prep busily...?

 

But I suppose people around me are prepared for 'the worse' with my clothing choices by now...?

 

I really wished this 'condition' of mine would have disappeared away but it hasn't.?

 

At least I don't feel as guilty now making my business partner look bad in front of others.

 

 

[tracy_j]

I am glad things are coming together. It's sometimes a bit tedious but I do think that it takes time to gain experience and confidence. It's interesting with your dad. It reminds me of mum. She has medical problems giving poor memory so I have never tried to explain anything. I just have to think quickly occasionally as she notices my makeup or the way I am dressed. She has no real issue though.

 

Tracy

[swallow]

Thanks Tracy for the feedback.?

 

Its definitely like everyone-else an ongoing battle, one day good another not so good.

 

I feel like in many ways, I am pushing it with the clothing, almost as if I am trying to use it to illicit a response.

 

...not of course from odd strangers but from those around me.

 

Its like I have a reverse problem, either my friends are too considerate or oblivious to mention anything untoward with my dress sense or they have accepted its part of the eccentricity.?

 

So I keep going one up, crop top, then bra, maybe a frock next, a Bikini (string bikini would be a good challenge)?

....at what point to I 'break their resistance" and do they give in to asking me what is going on??

 

Its almost as if if they initiate it, the choice is taken from me so I have no recourse but to address it.

 

but if not, I keep stalling.

 

I've chipped at it more recently with coming out first to my sister, then my gay friend in NYC (Neither of course know what to make of it but are supportive) then my 3 Fairy godmothers (2 Gay men and a Transexual I worked with on a film many decades back). They of course are a great resource although they too have refrained from prying too deeply (likely giving me the space whilst being there in case). Surprisingly bc I thought they would have had a deluge of questions.?

 

Now I've come clean with the Business partner just in case my dressing (likely) gets worse and starts to have implications for him with other people.

 

Next hopefully my kids.

 

At what point do they get to enough is enough, why are you dressing like that?

 

They probably know since they watch POSE and my daughter just went to catch a movie with some friends (one of whom is Transgender) but I seem most fearful broaching the subject with them bc they I don't want to lose.?

 

But I just can't seem to help myself either way with the dressing and it seems to be getting 'worse' (wrong word)/more blatant.

 

We'll see how this all goes. Certainly as the progression is becoming more overt, it is also conversely a challenge to maintain the pass in public (particularly  since as yet still not on HRT and just relying on predisposed or natural feminine charms)

 

And that's where the Anxiety/Paranoia is starting to kick in more.?

[swallow]

And I know I should not be saying this but sometimes I feel like this need to dress and push the boundaries is like a 'sickness'.?

 

Its almost as if I feel I look good in the clothes but at the same time I don't trust or want it to be my vanity talking so I want to validate it with passing outside with strangers where it can be less forgiving ( as oppose to friends)

 

If I pass, at least I know I am not imagining things where as if there are alarm bells, then I know where I am full of myself.

 

I wish I never had this problem.?

 

I try not to beat myself up on it as much these days. Hopefully others who have similar issue will also be more forgiving of themselves.

 

On a lighter note, my father is likely the first to organise an exorcism for me and cast the 'evil' (likely wanton) woman out of me.?

 

Then again, he can be completely clueless...as with his Best friend who is blatantly Gay and has left Broad and generous hints like "Oh I will be vacationing with my trainer (Muscular Male) this summer all over Europe"...?

 

Everyone-else in my family is in the know but not my Dad. And his best friend has yet to come out to him, probably fearful he might get an exorcism too.?