An introduction

[Joanne07081]

Good morning

 

My name is Joanne, I am 63 and a MtF transgendered person.

I have always know I was different even as a young child, but I could never put it into words how I felt. I guess I was pretty much a sissy as a young boy, my mother was always trying to toughen me up, but it never really worked. Once I hit puberty and the T took hold, I was very confused and did not know how to handle it. My father had left when I was in third grade and my mother was trying to raise 4 children on her own. 

 

When I discovered that transgendered people even existed, it all made sense to me. Since I want to keep this introduction short, I will skip over the many times I tried to come out to my ex-wife, who violently opposed anything I was trying to tell her. She left me and my sons twice, so I spent most of my sons childhood as a single parent (even when she was there). When we split the second time, I decided I would start my transition. As a side note, that is when my ex came out as lesbian, still violently against my transition though. 

I dove in to transition hard, was seeing a gender therapist, coming out to family, starting hormones, joining then running a local support group. I was published in the local paper in a letter to the editor describing my own life. After about a year, I came out to work, family and friends, legally changed my name and went full time. I was out and proud!

 

Then the bad decisions started. The worst decision was rushing my transition as fast as I did. Several of the community leaders cautioned me to slow down, but I did not listen to them. I pushed boundaries at work and was eventually asked to leave my position. I was given a severance and I left my job. During this period I had made several friends in other areas, and one of them I ended up marrying. At this point I had my gender changed on my ID, my partner was post op, so we were married as 2 women. This was back in 2000 so it was not as common as it is now. I had my surgery date scheduled with Dr Brassard for the following year. Things would seem to be going well, but that was only on the surface. I was living in another town, no support network other than my partner and her friends. I was using her therapist for my own support. I missed my children, I could not find work because the dot com bust was just happening and IT jobs were few and far between. I spent my days alone and nobody to talk to, it was a horribly snowy and cold winter so I could not even go out. Add to this that my relationship with my partner was going badly and I was completely unhappy. 

 

I was broke, no employment prospects, bills piling up and missed my children. I made a rash decision and moved to another state with an old girlfriend of mine from high school, who professed to be ok with my current self. Needless to say that was not the case, and I ended up de-transitioning so that I could find work and try to get back on my feet. Of course this did not work out either and the following year I moved back to my home state, broke and nowhere to turn. Fortunately for me, I met someone online who was to be my salvation. We talked alot before meeting and I opened up to her about Joanne and she was completely understanding. We fell in love and married the following year, and until she lost her battle with breast cancer in 2013 we were completely happy. Oh, the dysphoria was still there and it helped a great deal that my wife was kind and understanding and could talk to me about it whenever the need arose. Sure I wanted to transition again, but we were so occupied with raising our combined family of 3 sons, that it was a happy busy time. 

 

Well, currently I have remarried to someone who I dated 40 years ago. Again I was completely open about my past. She is a strong, but kind and understanding woman who has had much experience with the gay and transgendered community. After working on the loss of my wife, and the new relationship, things started to settle in and the dysphoria started growing stronger again. I kept things quiet while I sorted out my feelings and seeing where I want to go next. I did not want to rush like I did the first time, I wanted to do things better. Things have come to a head though. My youngest son had issues for many years, we had been to counseling together, he had bouts of substance abuse and emotional crisis. Last November he took his own life and I am still recovering from that, although I am not sure I ever will. With all of the losses I have had (not mentioned but quite a few others) I keep thinking that life is too short and we need to do what we can to be ourselves. I have decided to start back on hormones and see where that path takes me. At the very least I need to get a handle on the dysphoria, I was always happiest when I had the right hormones and was able to be myself. 

 

I realize this may be long, but too short at the same time, but this is the readers digest version of where I am at right now. Only time will tell where I go next.

 

Thank you all for listening.

 

Joanne

 

[Robin]

Hi Joanne,

 

Welcome to the forum, and thank you for sharing your story.  There are many people here that will be able to relate to your experiences.  

 

Robin.

[Heather Shay]

@Joanne07081 welcome from one of the older ladies. You story has a lot of similarities to mine and I can relate. I found this forum a year ago and it changed my life and I found comfort, support and a lot of good advice and answers and most of all I found friends. My wish is for you to experience a similar sense of oasis.

[Ivy]

Welcome Joanne

[Delcina B]

Welcome Joanne! So glad you're here. The roller-coaster ride called life. I could run, but I could never hide from my fear & not feeling like one of the guys. I finally was able to accept me as me & I found wonderful people here who accept me, love & support me just as I am. I hope you find that here too!

 

Hugs!

Delcina