I Keep Confusing Myself tw for some transphobia

[Jazz-per]

(Not sure if this was the right forum)

 

So for a while now I've been under the impression that I was a trans demiboy... but I have a lot of internalized stuff, family issues, and my religion that seem to be keeping me from feeling confident in this.

 

From around 2nd to 8th grade I had a reoccurring thought that "maybe I was born a boy and my parents had me turned into a girl". I kind of hoped I would "turn back" into a boy one day or my parents would tell me. I have an older sister who I saw go through puberty... and it scared me. Despite seeing my sister go through puberty I thought that mine would be different and that I would grow male genitilia. (I didn't). I hated my body for betraying me. I remember in 7th grade (didn't even know the word trans) I tried to tie my chest down with a scarf (didn't work). In 8th grade I looked at buying a binder for a "cosplay"...

 

Since coming to the realization that I was probably trans things didn't really get easier. My family and religion preach pretty heavily on gender assigned at birth and trans people are confused and sinners. God doesn't make mistakes. Etc. It hurts a lot. My dad's side of the family in particular likes to make stupid jokes that make me feel like s***. One time we were playing laser tag for a celebration for my younger cousin. It was me, my uncle, and all the girls on one team. One kid goes, "Girls verses boys!"

To which another kid replies, "What about Uncle **?"

Without missing a beat my uncle goes, "Well, I identify as a girl today." In a sarcastic manner.

 

That same trip my dad commented that "Trans people are an abnormality and we shouldn't be pandering to them or making changes for them."

 

A few weeks ago on a car ride he dropped a, "When it comes down to it trans men aren't men and trans women aren't women." That hit like a bag of bricks crushing my stomach.

 

Then the other day we were talking about height and my dad to my sister goes, "You're average height for your gender. Or the gender you identify as now that there's like three million of them." Then laughed about it.

 

I also know when the bathroom bill was a large deal most of my family was against it. Aggressively.

 

Their feelings get in the way of mine a lot. I don't want to hurt them so I wonder if I could just never transition and keep this part of me a secret. Pretend it doesn't exist...

 

When it comes to church things are just as bad. A lot of hate the sin love the sinner. Trans people are confused. Sentiments going on there too. And I worry that if I came out and transitioned it would go aggressive. I'm not a pot stirrer... I'm a people pleaser. I can't confront them and lose my friends.

 

When it comes to transition I want to do T, I wear a binder (sometimes when I'm alone mostly), and want top surgery. I doubt myself a lot because I feel like maybe I am just confused and then what? I'm not even brave enough to just call myself a trans man... I can only bring myself to say demiboy (mostly male). On days when dysphoria is quiet I feel like a failure and a liar. When it's high I wonder if I'm generating that stress to confirm/justify this decision... I just need some advice on what you think I am and how to battle my own internalized stuff.

[Charlize]

I can only lend you my experience.  As a young person i felt much as you describe and knew it was totally unacceptable to my family.  I just hid myself as well as i could and planed to die with my secret.  There were large parts of my life when i just accepted my gender, filled the role and tried to find what contentment i could with life.  It wasn't until i started a road to sobriety in a program that stresses honesty that i finally was able to start facing my gender reality.  Time here certainly helped as did therapy.  

Give yourself time.  There isn't a rush despite the feelings you describe.  Time gave me a path and while i upset others i also found peace with myself.  I doubt i could have traditional when young.  The culture then was even less accepting than what you describe.  Things are getting better fortunately.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[DeeDee]

Hi Torrence, it is never easy when we are trying to marry our feelings and knowledge of ourselves with what we have been told about the world. I will not get into your family relationships other than to say please do not get your sense of self from others, it will always end up with them hurting you.  The religious bigotry is just that and it is unfortunately going to take a long while to age out of mainline churches. Suffice to say that you were fearfully and wonderfully made and it is refusing to be who you were created to be that causes the issues of dyshporia. I am a trained and ordained pastor in a mainline church and grew up being told the same things as your family, but in all my questioning I realised it was never God's love that was in doubt, but that of the people around me.  It often helps to find someone safe to talk to outside of that shpere of judgement but please do not be so harsh on yourself.

[KathyLauren]

Torrence, you don't sound confused to me at all.  You sound like you know exactly who you are (a trans boy/man).  You just happen to be in a spectacularly hostile environment.

 

Don't let your environment dictate who you are.  It may not be safe to be yourself openly right now, and that definitely sucks.  But you know deep down who you are.  That is yours to keep, even if you can't express it right now.  Don't let others talk you out of knowing who you are. 

[Jazz-per]

@Charlize Thanks. Sometimes it can feel there's a lot of pressure to be out as soon as you realize. Thanks for the reminder that it's okay to wait.

 

@DeeDee Religion has been a big struggle for me in all of this. Thank you for sharing your perspective. It really helped.

 

@KathyLauren Thank you. It's a bit hard to be told something constantly and know it's against you. I only have one year til I can go to college and stuff. Hopefully once I'm out of direct contact with the situation I can better come to terms with myself.