My wife's not a lesbian and now wants a polyamorous relationship

[Bri2020]

So this bombshell dropped today out of the blue.  I came out last year and she fully accepted me and committed to being with me for the long haul.  We're older-mid 50s and for various reasons the last few years had resigned ourselves to a non sexual relationship.  She wanted time to explore her sexuality when I started transitioning but it wasn't terribly pressing since sex  hasn't been on the table anyways.  In the last year however, we both lost a lot of weight and feeling better about ourselves. This has caused her to miss our amorous relationship and after exploring her own self, realized she isn't going to change in regards to sexual attraction and is strongly attracted to men and the opposite with women.  Which brings us to the bombshell.  She wants to explore an ethical open marriage.  She absolutely wants to remain partners for the rest of our lives but feels she needs to have someone to fulfil her sexual needs.  She also really wants me to be able to explore that for myself post op.  

I am a bloody wreck.  Intellectually, I think she's right to want all this. Emotionally it's killing me.  I've never had a relationship that wasn't monogamous. I am very binary. I have never had a sexual encounter with someone I wasn't interested in being in a relationship with. The two go hand in hand for me.  Before she met me, she did have a series of encounters for just "sexual need" /1 night stands. (not a lot, but the 2 aren't tied together like my experience)

Right now, and probably for the next two years, sex is off the table for me. I don't want to use my male parts and surgery won't be for at 15-18 months from now if I am lucky.  Then there's recovery time after that.  She's not going to wait that long but is willing to "work with me" on the timing of introducing this element.  My overwhelming fear is that I won't be able to handle this and either rail against it with jealousy, that she will become attached to someone else and I will lose her, or that I will become attached to someone else.  I just finally got comfortable with the idea I wasn't going to lose her by transitioning and now this!

 

Has anyone else had an open relationship or used this solution to save their marriage? 

I know she believes she can stay emotionally connected to our relationship but I fear that she will find someone who "better meets her needs"

[Jackie C.]

Woof.

 

We do have (at least one) poly member, though they don't post very often. Hopefully they'll see this and give you better advice than I can. They follow me though, so maybe this'll bring it to their attention.

 

My understanding is that with a polyamorous relationship, the first rule is communication. You both need to communicate frequently and honestly. You also both need to be OK with it. I've read about a lot, and I mean a lot, of relationships that crashed and burned because one partner was trying it out for the sake of the other. The stress builds up and, well, boom. It's possible to have a successful polyamorous relationship, but it's hard. Basically all the work of a monogamous relationship multiplied by the extra people involved and they ALL need to be talking.

 

Speaking as a demisexual (I can't really get aroused by someone I don't have an emotional connection with. I've been attracted to someone based solely on their looks all of three times in my life.) I couldn't do it. I think every one of your fears is valid and something you should bring up with your therapist. You might be able to work through them but to me it sounds like your spouse is looking to move on, but wants to use you as her security blanket while she does it. She's made it clear that any sexual relationships she has in the future won't be with you. If my spouse did said something like that it would absolutely kill me.

 

So I am deeply sorry and you have all my love and support. I hope you can make it work, but in a marriage you both have to be happy, you know? It's a partnership.

 

Hugs!

[Beatriz]

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear that, @Bri2020. Quite a bombshell, indeed.

 

Like you and Jackie say, for me sex and long-term relationship go together. I've had very few one-night stands or solely sexual "relationships", and I could have done without them.

 

As Jackie comments, a polyamorous relationship is possible but hard to pull off. Your fears seem completely valid to me. It would be good to discuss them with a good friend and/or your therapist.

 

I hope you don't find this too daring (excuse me if it is): could there be some form of polyamory, with certain limits or rules, that might work for you? Or perhaps threesomes or foursomes, so you can enjoy the experience together as a couple and retain more intimacy (the others would not be on the same level of communication as in polyamory).

 

What a tough spot... I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Lots of love and a big hug.

[Guest]

One of my best and oldest friends is poly. She came into sideways and her and her group make it work quite well. I’ve had some experience in it as well and I have to agree that communication is important. It does tear at your insecurities at first, but it can be very liberating too. I think I would compare it to the initial stress and eventual liberation of coming out.

 

I’m sorry that this is upsetting to you and I hope sharing these experiences will help. I’ll also say that I’m in the same “no sex” boat too. My mind is not there and my parts aren’t the same.

 

Good luck to you and I send love and hugs your way.

[Willow McKenzie]

On 6/27/2021 at 1:14 PM, Bri2020 said:

So this bombshell dropped today out of the blue.  I came out last year and she fully accepted me and committed to being with me for the long haul.  We're older-mid 50s and for various reasons the last few years had resigned ourselves to a non sexual relationship.  She wanted time to explore her sexuality when I started transitioning but it wasn't terribly pressing since sex  hasn't been on the table anyways.  In the last year however, we both lost a lot of weight and feeling better about ourselves. This has caused her to miss our amorous relationship and after exploring her own self, realized she isn't going to change in regards to sexual attraction and is strongly attracted to men and the opposite with women.  Which brings us to the bombshell.  She wants to explore an ethical open marriage.  She absolutely wants to remain partners for the rest of our lives but feels she needs to have someone to fulfil her sexual needs.  She also really wants me to be able to explore that for myself post op.  

I am a bloody wreck.  Intellectually, I think she's right to want all this. Emotionally it's killing me.  I've never had a relationship that wasn't monogamous. I am very binary. I have never had a sexual encounter with someone I wasn't interested in being in a relationship with. The two go hand in hand for me.  Before she met me, she did have a series of encounters for just "sexual need" /1 night stands. (not a lot, but the 2 aren't tied together like my experience)

Right now, and probably for the next two years, sex is off the table for me. I don't want to use my male parts and surgery won't be for at 15-18 months from now if I am lucky.  Then there's recovery time after that.  She's not going to wait that long but is willing to "work with me" on the timing of introducing this element.  My overwhelming fear is that I won't be able to handle this and either rail against it with jealousy, that she will become attached to someone else and I will lose her, or that I will become attached to someone else.  I just finally got comfortable with the idea I wasn't going to lose her by transitioning and now this!

 

Has anyone else had an open relationship or used this solution to save their marriage? 

I know she believes she can stay emotionally connected to our relationship but I fear that she will find someone who "better meets her needs"

Hi Bri,

 

   I understand a lot of your issues.   I met a woman 8 yrs ago and we became very close and dedicated to one another.    After prostate cancer, I accepted a penile implant so she would always have that part in our relationship.    What she didn't know at the time was that I intended to transition M2F.   What I didn't know was that she was BI and more non-binary.   Sharing all this brought us closer together.  We started out OK this way, but as time passed on estrogen, my brain lost interest in that much maleness.  

    It's been 5 years and we are now more like 2 female college room mates.   We share everything and are very happy.   We don't have secrets.   We have something together that is stronger than with anyone else, but we are also free.

   It looks like you may have to explore some kind of open relationship.   After several years on estrogen, you may find like I have, that you need what she needs.   If you can create a "two girls as room mates in college" relationship, you may be able to live together as best buddies with benefits that know one else can break up.

   You need to read Katie Anne's answers in Polyamory and All things Trans on QUORA.   She is the best trans-poly person I know.   Jae Alexis is also on there and has a different poly solution.   Love, honesty, and respect will get you through this.

 

---WILLOW McKENZIE---

 

[Willow McKenzie]

On 6/27/2021 at 2:12 PM, Jackie C. said:

it sounds like your spouse is looking to move on, but wants to use you as her security blanket while she does it. She's made it clear that any sexual relationships she has in the future won't be with you. If my spouse did said something like that it would absolutely kill me

Jackie, you hit the nail on the head if we apply your statement to my last 30yr marriage that failed.   The information I gave Bri above left out all the pain and suffering I went through trying to save a marriage.  The nutty, off the wall person you know me as is the phoenix that survived the that pyrotechnic event.   My wings and wallet and most important,my heart,are still singed.  I have been single but in a healthy relationship for 10 yrs now.  

 

I hope with all my heart that Bri can find a way to have common ground,safety, and happiness.  

 

   Willow McKenzie

[LaurenA]

I have been in a polyamorous relationship for about 40 years now and in a triad for about the same length of time  Almost every relationship I've had was long term.  There have been a few that were short term but they are still friends.  Don't confuse polyamory with swinging.  With polyamory there almost always an emotional connection before a relationship.  In swinging there never is.  Polyamory is a lot of work and more so if you have many relationships.  As was said before communication is extremely important, along with honesty.  I've attached a link to a paper a good friend of mine wrote.

 

https://www.patheos.com/resources/additional-resources/2010/04/bouquet-of-lovers

 

[Ivy]

20 hours ago, Willow Farmer said:

The information I gave Bri above left out all the pain and suffering I went through trying to save a marriage.…  …and most important,my heart,are still singed.

My marriage was over 40 years. It's been a few years now, but I still hurt, badly.  I doubt that I'll ever get over it.   Just last night, I had 2 (non sexual) dreams involving my ex.

I think I would like to have a relationship now, but considering this area, my age, and me living openly as transgender, I can't see it as a possibility.   There is a big hole in my heart.

[Willow McKenzie]

2 hours ago, Jandi said:

  There is a big hole in my heart.

Yet we go fourth each day risking loving and being loved.

[Melissa Mazurek]

There is a lot of good advice here, and I will go out on a limb and suggest some couples counseling before venturing onward.  Not only is open communication essential, I think boundary setting is, too.  If your wife's needs are not being met, and they are not happy, there will be tension which can lead to resentment.  This is why I think couples counseling is useful.  The therapist can help you identify and explore each other's needs and concerns.  Hugs, Melissa.

[MelanieTamara]

Its my understanding that when one person in the relationship transitions their gender identity, the other person in the relationship is forced to transition their sexual preference.

 

Now according to gallup, in 2021, only 6% of the population identify as gay/lesbian, with about 87% identifying as heterosexual.

 

So, If the original state of the relationship was heterosexual in nature, and now is homosexual, the percentages indicate that it is highly unlikely that the partner will make the sexual preference switch. Of course it occurs, but it appears to be a rarity.

 

Now of course we'll need exact statistics, ie couples that remained together and still engaged in a sexual relationship after one partner transitions, but I figure those stats will be hard to come by since most people transitioning nowadays are young and do not enter into traditional heterosexual relationships that includes a transition part way through.

 

Bottom line is that this issue is probably older trans folk specific....and we've all visited it.

 

In my case, we've always maintained separate bank accounts, approached household finances as chipping in, weighted percentages of course based upon income, etc. That way, the fear of independence is mitigated to some extent. Also, I figure my wife can make a truly informed decision without having to be forced to "put up with it" because her feelings of helplessness and of the unknown.

 

You're such an inspiration @Bri2020as a business owner, a play by play announcer about the trans journey for us older folks, etc.. I truly hope it works out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Bri2020]

I should clarify as more info has come forth:

Not a polyamorous relationship but an ethical non monogamous relationship with clear rules and boundaries.  This is less threatening to my insecurities but still doesn't sit well.  She has been exploring how all this works by talking to other people who do it and reading on the subject.  What it has done is really opened up a discussion and resulted in us realizing we have a lot of personal issues that we both denied to ourselves that must be worked on in order to have a healthy relationship which we want.  So for now, she is in info gathering stage and we both have sought out better therapy to address dealing with those issues of abandonment, security, intimacy etc.  Basically, the 15 year "easy relationship" just became a real one that isn't easy and work must be put into it.  I have no idea where this will lead and have been having panic attacks/crying sessions at least twice a day but I can control them better.

Full disclosure, shortly after the original post, I spiralled into a deep dark place and was truly hysterical with grief for over a day and could not break free so my sister "rescued" me and brought me to the ER where they gave me good sedation drugs to break me free of those thoughts and I finally slept. I can think much clearer now.  A little over 20 years ago I committed suicide and only by the grace of the goddess was found and resuscitated in time. It took me a few years to recover mentally from that and I had a "safety plan" in place afterwards which included letting my sister know if I was struggling with dark thoughts.  That safety plan, unused for almost 20 years may have saved me.  If you have depression: have a safety plan.

[Ivy]

4 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

What it has done is really opened up a discussion and resulted in us realizing we have a lot of personal issues that we both denied to ourselves that must be worked on in order to have a healthy relationship which we want.

This is an issue in "normal" heterosexual relationships as well.   In my own, it was this sort of thing that led to the crash.  

[KayC]

I'm sorry to hear this @Bri2020.  It does sound like it complicates your plans and your relationship.

I have thought about this same scenario and I have already come to the conclusion that if my wife wants to have relationships (man or woman) outside of our marriage (specially if its because she is not attracted to me as Transfeminine) then it would be OK.  I would hope we could balance this and remain in a committed relationship still.

 

Now, I have to admit if it became reality then it might still be a difficult pill to swallow ... but she didn't ask for this situation in our marriage, so I need to be flexible ... and that might also allow me to feel comfortable (and not guilty) about progressing more in my transition and finding my own extra-relationships. 

Just food for though, Dear ❤️

[Kiara]

On 6/27/2021 at 4:14 PM, Bri2020 said:

Has anyone else had an open relationship or used this solution to save their marriage? 

Polyamory/ethical nonmonogamy is never going to save a marriage. If nothing else, it's only going to bring every single issue and crack in your existing relationship into a harsh and bright light. There are tons of stories of people opening up their marriages to save them only to have everything fall apart in the end.

I am a polyamorous person and my husband is very monogamous. He was mostly fine with me being polyamorous and dating other people. Legally speaking, we were not married when I started dating my partner so technically he could have left me. I made some mistakes (and mistakes will happen) and he did not take it well at all. I nearly lost him and that's with our relationship being fairly stable and having no additional issues before I started seeing someone else. If your marriage is already on shaky ground and you're not comfortable with the idea then I really don't recommend attempting to open up your marriage.

I second the suggestion for couples counselling before moving forward with anything like this. 

[DonkeySocks]

Bri, so sorry you are hurting.

 

I am polyamorous with a poly-capable monogamous husband. If you and your wife aren't regularly cuddling, bonding, and nurturing your intimate relationship in some way even though sexual activity as such is off the table, maybe that would be a good healthy place to start, in addition to your individual and couple therapy. Since your wife isn't experienced at polyamory, combined with your insecurity, tread extremely carefully.

 

On 7/1/2021 at 4:02 AM, Bri2020 said:

Not a polyamorous relationship but an ethical non monogamous relationship with clear rules and boundaries.

I'm not clear on what the difference is. To me those are the same thing. There is no one-size-fits-all polyamory. I will say this, though--if she attempts to develop new relationships and the new person or people know you're devastated (or even consistently really uncomfortable), the sensible ones, the best potential partners, the keepers, are going to be wary.

 

Also, @Kiara is right. There's a sort of wry saying in polyamorous circles: "Relationship broken, add more people." Meaning it's a bad idea and a common first (mis)step people make. If you don't nurture yourselves and your relationship with each other, your wife is only hiding from her problems in the new relationship energy / "honeymoon" where none of the tough stuff has come up yet.

 

I really hope it works out.

[Bri2020]

9 hours ago, DonkeySocks said:

Bri, so sorry you are hurting.

 

I'm not clear on what the difference is. To me those are the same thing. There is no one-size-fits-all polyamory. I will say this, though--if she attempts to develop new relationships and the new person or people know you're devastated (or even consistently really uncomfortable), the sensible ones, the best potential partners, the keepers, are going to be wary.

 

I'm not sure she knows what she is looking for either. We've discovered that our intimacy even early in our marriage (15 years ago) was superficial and more physical in nature. When it came to the bedroom it was purely "sex" for her. I tried to take a more "making love" approach but adapted when I didn't have as much success helping her reach satisfaction that way. I buried my needs so that I could fulfil hers, she was able to bury her intimacy issues because I didn't express my needs.  

We've realized this and started working on being "intimate" physically without sex and working on our deeper issues.

 

This all started (open relationship desire) because I found her reading a book on ENM relationships and asked her about it.  She was just starting to research it and learn about it in her exploration of figuring out a way to have her needs fulfilled and wasn't ready to talk about it but I opened that door.  

I'm hoping in the end, this will be good for us because we can't hide our needs from each other now.