Out of hand. maybe....

[Natalie71645]

Hi everyone.  Natalie here.

 

So I had to leave my job cause of a back injury.  I'm doing online trainings to advance my career, but for the moment I'm unemployed.  I was drinking on all of my days off, now I'm drinking practically every other day.  Usually I'm not even planning on it.  I just get to the evening time and want a break from all of the stress.  There's courses and starting fresh in a new career, and then also a stepdaughter with special needs, and a son who's beginning to show signs of having special needs.  Everyone was nice to me at the job I had to leave, but while I was there, for the most part, I was wondering if they were only being nice to me because they had to, and would have gotten in trouble for expressing any transphobia.  I've always had a varying amounts of anxiety regarding people talking about me behind my back.  Now, with my being and out transgendered woman, it's even worse.  Even the one's who were quite nice to me were expressed Trump supporters.  I know liking Trump doesn't automatically make you transphobic, but I can't get the image out of my head at all of those people at Trump rallies chanting to "Kill Transgenders" .  All of the anxiety feels like it's too much.  I cant afford to keep drinking more and more, not just money-wise.  I feel like I'm in over my head.  I'm miserable so much of the time.  I've been a musician since I was 15 years old (now 36), and I would love to make a living doing that, no one wants to pay me for that, even to teach.  I feel like I don't know how to be happy, and like I've never really known.  I want to go to some of the online meetings that were mentioned before.  I just don't have any privacy in my house.  My x wife, my kids, and I in close quarters.  I don't even have personal space with a closing door.  My brain is just so tired.  

 

Natalie

[Charlize]

Natalie all i can say is that you may have an issue with alcohol.

  I drank everyday and the world had closed in around me.  My disease progressed (yes alcoholism is a disease and it is progressive).  I denied my disease for years and it just got worse until i reached out for help in AA.  There may be other ways to find sobriety.  I can say that today i've not only lost the desire (need) for alcohol but have found some peace with my life.  

One message i heard as i sought sobriety was: "This is the most important thing you can do."   

My family or my other problems couldn't stop me if i was to get better.  The biggest problem i had was alcohol.

The top of this forum has a link to TGAA for a list serve and Zoom meetings.  AA certainly has meetings in your area.  I've attended many meetings in NH due to business trips.  Hands are reaching out to help.  Take them!  It can get so much better but you have to take some steps.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

[Delcina B]

Natalie, I'm not saying you are me, only sharing my experience. I self prescribed alcohol for a long time. For a time it seemed to work, it made life bearable. It took away fears & anxiety, washed away resentment, most of which were of hating myself. I reached a point of pitiful & incomprehensible demoralization as the program calls it, wanting to stop but couldn't. I was no good to my family, myself or anyone else.The prescription had stopped working. Thankfully, I found AA & was welcomed with open arms, followed their suggestions & today not by my power, but through a power greater than myself I am sober & have tools to deal with life on life's terms. Life with all its chaos is not only bearable often also enjoyable.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[VickySGV]

The first few times you drink Alcohol it does seen friendly and helpful, but over time it can become your enemy, and it will really hurt your and those around you.  What you seem to be saying is that your needs for personal support and friendship are not being met by your family and living conditions, and the booze makes that OK even if it is only for a short time of each day.  You do need the time and attention from people who have been there already been there, and who know and respect your needs for friendship.  You have been given some good direction by the two posts above.  Please take those offers as find the wonderful parts of your life again.  It has been just about 13 years ago that I was there where you are now.  Alcohol is not a good friend in your circumstances.

[Natalie71645]

Thank you for the advice and the kind words everyone.  I could certainly use the support of a program.  I might try to find something local now that more public meetings are opening up.  I don't do so well with any kind of online meeting.  But thanks everyone.