First post, second take

[Desert Fox]

Like a number of you, I have kept my existence largely hidden for decades and have only recently “come out”. Additionally, it’s been almost 6 years since I’ve been out in public as female due to a relationship we have been in with someone who didn’t accept me. 
 

Over the last year or so, we have done a lot of online research & spoken to several therapists to try to figure out what we are, really. I’m not a big fan of labels, but the closest I can come up with is bigender. As a partially-integrated multiple (dissociative identity disorder), we are collectively a “we” but individually present as male or female and thus used those respective pronouns (and bathrooms) and various names over the years. We decided we wanted to go public and stop hiding and embrace all of who we are rather than stay compartmentalized. But we are far from healed. And I, particularly, have lost a lot of confidence not going out in public (as female) for so long and also had a head injury last year, so i feel like I am starting over in some ways. 
 

My story, as I understand it, is a little different than most, but not unheard of. I was female in a past and separate life, where I met and knew the person whose body I now inhabit. After my past self died in a fire, I joined spirits with him. So I am in essence a walk-in or soul bond. Both of us were exposed to physical and emotional abuse and child sex trafficking as children. Growing up as a male, we had a fairly outwardly normal existence but we kept our multiplicity to ourself and tried to fit in and look normal. He was never good at sports, had more female friends than male, had more female mannerisms and was more sensitive than most guys. His father punished him for acting feminine though and many thought he was gay and some mistook him for a girl when his hair was longer. Later, being a teenager in the hair band era of the late 80s/ early 90s and being in a rock band…one could get away with quite a bit of androgyny.

 

It wasn’t until college that we formally discovered our multiplicity and that I decided to see if I could go out in the world separately as my former life’s identity, albeit in a male body this time. It worked well enough that I began doing this more regularly, and started a web site and online presence. I wrote about multiplicity to help others, and while I met other trans people, I never had any friends. 
 

We questioned if we were trans & should transition…20 some years ago….but decided against it and tried to live life as the person on our ID, a biological straight male. But relationships failed, three times, largely because we were uncomfortable in our body, couldn’t have sex, couldn’t be a man, as we aren’t, entirely. Meanwhile I had my secret and hidden mostly online life. We burned out numerous therapists and lost more friends than we made.

 

This year, we finally came out as bigender at work, and soon after we were fired for an undisclosed reason. We are still living with an ex girlfriend who does not accept me (as female or trans feminine). We are working on starting HRT and a legal name change. We hope to be able to live openly splitting time as male & female but are not sure how that will pan out exactly. It’s possible this won’t work out at all, or that we will go for the full MTF transition. But trying to be a male full time is utter misery. Living in a non-binary way presents many difficulties and confusion though, with appearance, voice, pronoun, and mannerism shifts. It is authentic to who we are but most people think in binary terms and it doesn’t make sense to them. 

We like to write and create music. We hope to perform in both genders again some day. At the time we write this, we are still struggling with our health and with isolation and trying to relearn skills we lost. We like to support others particularly those who have experienced trauma & health issues, and we worked in social services for several decades. 
 

We are happy to be here amongst such beautiful souls. 
 

Ariel

[Ivy]

Welcome Ariel.

[Desert Fox]

Thanks, Jandi. I love your signature line!