Self preservation

[Monica Green]

I don't know if anyone else has had these feelings. But I was having problems when people who knew me, would tell me that I'm so brave or courageous. I know they meant it as a great compliment and it almost always comes from a cis gender person. But for me it brought about feelings of shame and I felt guilty. Because in reality transition for me is self preservation. The alternative being more permanent and a lot less fun. I have a good girl friend who was forever telling how brave I was. Until the day another new friend Alyce, told me how she dealt with it. As she felt the same. She turned it around. As she explained, it wasn't her that was brave. Heavens no!! She wasn't the type of person to be running into a burning building to rescue anyone. There are truly brave people that do that. But she admitted that though she wasn't, the man she used to be was the most courageous and bravest person she knew. That man risked loosing everything and everybody just so she could survive. That he became her foundation to build her new better self. Now that explanation made perfect sense to me and made me feel much more comfortable when my friend once again told me how brave I was. That time I told her about the man who gave up everything for me. My friend understood perfectly and hasn't used those words as a compliment since. Yes,, we still are good friends as well. I have looked through the forums but haven't found anything like I faced. Of course now I have posted this I'm sure a past one will surface. So I hope this helps others who felt or feel the same as me. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Monica.

[VickySGV]

You have found a good way there of dealing with Imposter Syndrome or one or two other things that the "Brave and Courage" sayers  often evoke in us.  I am not so nice I guess and have told one or two that if they could be more accepting from day one, I would not need that bravery or courage.  There is usually a moment of stunned silence when I do it, but after the shock wears off them I mostly have gotten people admitting that they knew they were not really on board with me and were trying to convince themselves that it was how they felt.  It is an honesty that can refresh and renew a relationship in wonderful ways.

[Charlize]

The bravery statement is certainly hard to live with.  Should i be flattered or upset or simply ignore the statement altogether?  I like both Monica's response as well as Vicky's.  To be honest however i'm simply glad that over time i don't hear that anymore.  It certainly a pity that we have to be seen as brave simply for being honest.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jackie C.]

That's a really good response to the "bravery" thing. I've only had one person say it to me... well, maybe two but one was in a transphobic way... but I was more bemused than anything else. I was just LIKE you @Monica Green. I was at the very end of my rope and it was either transition or do something very permanent.

 

That's a good way to look at old me: He did his best and he was very brave, but in the end he sacrificed himself so that I could come into the world.

 

Hugs!

[Ivy]

3 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

He did his best and he was very brave, but in the end he sacrificed himself so that I could come into the world.

Hmmmm…  I hadn't thought of it like this.   But there is truth in it.

He set me free to be myself.

[Phoenix]

On 7/24/2021 at 6:57 AM, Jackie C. said:

I was at the very end of my rope and it was either transition or do something very permanent.

 

That's a good way to look at old me: He did his best and he was very brave, but in the end he sacrificed himself so that I could come into the world.

I have similar sentiment. Instead of a sacrifice, the me that I used to be was on the verge of… “something permanent” until *I* saved…well.. me.

 

Like this:

 

[PrincipalGeek]

Thank you for that perspective.  As a cig-gender male, I appreciate it.  I've always just accepted people for who they are.. at that particular moment in time, never felt any need to point out how you may have been yesterday.. or last year...etc..