Had the talk with my dad

[Mia Marie]

I finally came out to my dad the other day using the letter technique with hopes to softened the blow. He decided he wanted to have a talk about it. That conversation hit my dysphoria heavy and sent me into feeling depressed and caged. He basically told me that I am not allowed to present anywhere around him as Mia. He is being totally selfish. I wish I could move but then I will be totally alone. It has been bad enough the only safe space at home was my bedroom. I feel even that is being yanked out from under me. Now my dysphoria is in over drive and hard to get back under control. I cried heavily last night about this. It also made it hard to go to sleep. I can still feel myself crying inside and fighting hard to keep it in at work. It is going to be a very tough day today. I hope I can find the strength to endure. I don't like feeling this way. 

[Heather Shay]

I hope you have a therapist or counseller you can talk to about it. I sounds like a very tough situation but YOU made a very brave decision for yourself and that is wonderful. I have made such decisions and they come with costs but hang in there you will feel better and stronger and things will change. Shock on your father's side is pretty normal (of course I don't know your father but in general parents and significant others in my case) and over time things ease and get better. I have had a hard time communicating but the 2 "C's" seem to be my and hopefully your best friends - Communicate and Compassion. 

 

You'll make it - you'll make it - you'll make it. 

 

If you have a therapist please use them and if you don't see if there is a LGBTQ alliance in your area who can guide you to low cost counselling - I found a therapist and it has made ALL THE DIFFERENCE in my life.

 

Hugs,

 

Heather Shay

[Mia Marie]

I have a therapist and I already sent her and email on what happened last night. I can still feel the urge to find a dark place to cry. 

[Heather Shay]

tears are a good thing - they help cleanse so don't be afraid to cry.

[Mia Marie]

I just don't like crying at work and it seems like it is getting harder to control sometimes. I work around mostly guys and with looking like a guy at work it could get a little weird. I have come so close to breaking down at work several times. It is painful to hold back and keep composure but I have done ok with being strong at work. 

[Susan R]

On 7/25/2021 at 9:36 AM, Mia Marie said:

He basically told me that I am not allowed to present anywhere around him as Mia. He is being totally selfish.

Hi Mia Marie, This hurts just reading this. I agree it is selfish of him because he’s likely only thinking of himself and not your well-being. He doesn’t understand the hurt his reaction is causing you right now.  Maybe he does and doesn’t care…I don’t know. I think you deserve to be yourself and it’s just a genuine shame that you’ll be restricted in this way. I agree with Heather that it might get better with time and after some friendly communication with your dad. I don’t know…Maybe your dad is too set in his ways to ever allow compromise enough for you to live the life you were meant to live though. You’ll likely find out in the next year or so if you stay with him.

 

On 7/25/2021 at 9:36 AM, Mia Marie said:

I wish I could move but then I will be totally alone. It has been bad enough the only safe space at home was my bedroom. I feel even that is being yanked out from under me.

If being alone is the main reason you believe you need to stay with your dad, I think you may be underestimating your resolve and motivation. I know you’re aware of the many benefits of the independence to live freely as your authentic self. I do understand it’s not an easy thing to do unless you need that change above all else. Change often comes with a price at least in the short term and sometimes it takes a great motivator such as this to get us to act on the needed change.

 

Of course, I could be wrong. Everyone’s situation is unique and obviously much more complex than what’s stated on this forum. There are likely other variables I’m unaware or perhaps considerations you’ve mentioned in previous posts that make moving very difficult. That being said, you might simply look into other options that might allow you to eventually move to a more accepting living situation. Right now, it’s a tough time to do this with covid but it’s something to continue to research until an opportunity becomes available. There are amazing possibilities that come with that kind of independence. I believe if you were able to live as your authentic self you would blossom more fully into the wonderful woman you are. Being able to fully express yourself openly has so many benefits. That freedom and happiness will flow into every aspect of your life increasingly attracting new “accepting” friends who will enjoy the much happier version of you. Who knows?…maybe eventually even dad might come around seeing the happier you. Almost anything is possible if you set your mind to it.

 

Lastly, I want to say, Congratulations Mia Marie on taking this very big step in your journey. It hurts right now but you knew deep inside it had to be done and later in life you will likely thank yourself. I wish I had an opportunity today to tell my late parents despite them probably having a similar reaction to your dad’s. You have so much more life to live and I know you want to make it count. Coming out to your dad was a step in the right direction. I wish you the very best!

 

*Hugs*

Susan R?

[Mia Marie]

Thank you Susan. I don't see him ever changing his way of thinking so it leaves me with only one alternative and that will be find me a place of my own and defuse the toxicity I am around. I started listening to an audio book from Brene' Brown that is written to help empower women to not feel belittled by others and to become more confident women.

[Mia Marie]

I have been trying to make my dad think he has won until I come across an apartment I can get in. I feel it is the only way I can still have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep on. I'm not sure what he will do and say when the time comes for me to move out. I am thinking the only reasons he doesn't kick me out now is so he won't be alone but that doesn't make it right for him to tell me I can't present and be my authentic self. I bet he will try and try and convince me not to move when I start packing things for the move. I am planning on checking on a couple of places that have a price range from 750-900 a month but I am also possibly considering just to come up with about $3000-4000 to try and buy my own place if I can find somewhere in a decent neighborhood and the right price. I know he will ask why and the only things I will be able to tell him is that I need to spread out a little and so I can be me which he is trying to keep me from being. I hope this is the right way of doing this?