Resentment towards parents for rejecting me.

[Nikki-C]

It is just me or is there anyone else out here who has resentment towards their parents for not accepting you for the gender you relate to?  I would like to make it clear that this issue with my parents doesn't dominate my life, but sometimes it does haunt me.  My parents are deceased, but I have spent years and years full of resentment for them bringing me into this world only to reject me.  For some reason, at this stage in my life I am still trying to reconcile this.  On one hand, I loved them, but on the other,I feel it was they who were dysfunctional in not accepting and supporting me.  How could a parent do such a thing to their child? OTOH, this was the 60's and 70's, my parents were simple country folk who grew up in hard times during the great depression.  I get it.   But then there are the terrifying memories of my mother screaming at me: "You're NOT a girl, you're a boy.  You are my son, not my daughter.  I will never, ever accept you as anything other than my son".  Or when I was a kid, my father who came home early from work, beat the crap out of me, gave me a concussion,called me less than nice names referring to gay guys, when he caught me dressed as a girl.  I screamed in agonizing pain:  "I'm not your son, I'm your little girl, I want to be daddy's girl".  The more I screamed this the more angry he became.  My parents were more concerned with the social stigma associated with me than they were with my absolute need to have their acceptance and support.  How petty. Well, that is my belief at any rate.  Next, what child doesn't feel good when their parent says they love you?  Well, when they say "I love you son", that's when (rub it in,rub it in).  Yet, I miss them, but sometimes, thinking back on the more traumatic years, I feel a great sense of anger and pain.  I regret not having been a first class act and placing myself above all of this and just forgiving them due to their ignorance.  However, I have a  preponderance of blame on myself for everything more often than not.  As a result, I feel a high sense of guilt.  Feelings of anger, resentment, then guilt.  OMG.  Who doesn't love it when that happens?

 

I have been over and over this nonsense with my psychiatrist. Worthless.  Same with therapist. Worthless. I just can't give a so called professional any level of credibility unless they have experienced trauma on the same level as I have.  How could such a person even begin to relate or  understand me?   I would find it much more helpful to instead talk with someone like myself with similar experiences.    I am trying to make positive changes in my life instead of just allowing this to depress me even further.   Yeah, I suffer from C-PTSD, Bipolar disorder, ADHD.  It is so hard dealing with these illnesses.  Tiring. So tiring.  Somehow, I need to forgive my parents by going though the process of forgiveness, as having these deep feelings of anger and resentment are diminishing and not healing. Easier said than done.  Anyone with any kind words of wisdom, understanding or encouragement would be humbly and greatly appreciated.

 

I would like to say that I just admire you girls and guys out there who were strong and refused to be a coward like me.  You refused to be marginalized, transitioned and became productive members of society.  My God I admire you for your strength, courage and resolve.  I wish I could be like you.   I think maybe that is part of my problem.  I expect everyone to accept me for being me, yet on some things, I can't seem to accept me.  Beat myself up for it.  But I'm good. Not suicidal or anything over this.   Could really use a friend right now though.   TIA.... Nikki

 

[Chiefsrule58]

Hello Nikki-C,

 I can't really speak to the rejection part, since I am not out to my parents. I can only speak towards the resentment. I resented my parents for many years. I was angry with them because of the physical abuse in our home,and because of the physical abuse  and hummiliation I received from others all through my school days. I know this will sound cliche but the only thing that worked for me was forgiveness. It took me years, I finally got to the place I could do so after my grandfather died.        It turned out that my Dad's father had 4 purple hearts from his time in WW2 and Korea though I am not sure what exactly happened. At that moment it made since to me, why my grandfather was the way he was and how the abuse had been passed down through the generations. Stopping with me and my kids. I viewed my parents especially my dad differently after that. I saw them as flawed human beings.  In no way did I or will I ever excuse what happened to me. I did however forgive them and myself. It took time and therapy to get to that point. These days I don't resent them and I have a stable relationship with them even though it's difficult at times.

I know your situation is different than mine, but maybe you too can find some peace in forgiveness.

Take care best wishes for you moving forward.

 

Jamie

[Nikki-C]

1 hour ago, Chiefsrule58 said:

 I can't really speak to the rejection part, since I am not out to my parents. I can only speak towards the resentment. I resented my parents for many years. I was angry with them because of the physical abuse in our home,and because of the physical abuse  and hummiliation I received from others all through my school days.

 

Hi Chiefsrule58.  Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Well, it would seem we have quite a bit in common. In particular physical abuse at home as well as physical abuse and humiliation during my school years. 

 

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I viewed my parents especially my dad differently after that. I saw them as flawed human beings.  In no way did I or will I ever excuse what happened to me. I did however forgive them and myself.

 

Yes, I absolutely get what you are saying.  Especially the forgiveness to them as well as yourself.  I have learned the hard way that forgiveness is actually a process.  And part of that process sometimes involves us having to forgive ourselves first before the forgiveness process can continue in order to forgive those who have hurt us. Some may wonder how that works.  It is simply actually. Someone hurts you, wrongs you.  However, we are accountable to the manner in which we respond to that wrong.  We can respond to that wrong in ways that is far more harmful/hurtful to others than the original wrong that was done onto us. One example of that would be when my father caught me dressed up as a girl when I wasn't even 10 y.o. yet.  He beat me.  This was the summer of '67.  That whole summer he belittled me, but towards the end of summer, it ended and I figured my punishment was over. School started. Everyone in the school knew.  I can only surmise that one of my parents must have confided in someone who then gossiped it.  I was beaten and tormented. By the time Thanksgiving came around, I had enough and tried to commit suicide.   I spent years blaming my parents for this, in particular my father, and then the kids at school.  While I still have issues to resolve with my parents rejecting the fact that I was their daughter and not their son, I learned a number of years later that the manner in which I responded to the situation was just as bad.  Once I understood that in order to forgive my father for beating me up just because I was dressed up as a girl, I would have to learn how to forgive myself first.  Responding the way I did by trying to kill myself was wrong.  But I was just a kid.  Years later I learned that forgiveness is indeed a process. I learned that change can only occur from within one's self.  These lessons were actually life altering. 

 

Hate begets nothing but hate.    Hate hurts those who hate and those the hate is directed to.  After years of abuse at school, one day I realized that I had become just like those who hated me.  I was consumed by my own hatred.  This revelation disgusted me.  It was revolting.  I had become just like those who hated me all those years.  That what hate does.... Just creates more hate.....    Having gleaned this knowledge doesn't necessarily make it easier to go through the process of forgiveness, however, knowing what the process is and what has to be done is vitally important.  This is made even more difficult due to PTSD and bipolar issues.  I wish I knew then what I now know.  But that level of wisdom would have been exceptional for a kid my age to possess.   Only after having traveled down the rocky, treacherous road of knowledge in this University we call Life, can one examine, reflect and learn about one's self.  But then, I was never the smartest kid on the block either. 

 

Thank you so much for your response.  It was helpful in more ways than I can find words for. Thank you.

 

Nikki