Learning to accept one's own identity....

[risajhene]

Hi, I am Risa, 21 and I am new to this forum and I'm hoping to meet some lovely trans-folk. I have been transitioning for 2 years (majority of it socially, I have started E in the past but had to stop due to financial difficulties) and I am very proud to be out as trans. But as of lately, I have been struggling to see the positives of such a thing. I live daily with social anxiety, but I will admit I have my good days where I could care less about what others think. As of late, that has not been the case. I think of myself as an observant person, and when I recognize that someone MIGHT (I say this because it's perceived) be judging me, I get this horrible inner critic telling me "you'll never truly be a woman" or "they'll always see you as a man". When I first came out, I would struggle with these thoughts but I had this sort of confidence that got me through anyways. Any sort of self-esteem or confidence I once possessed has been wiped clean. I've recently started going to therapy again after 2 years of no therapy (and during this time my mental health took a really dark turn) and I'm hoping I can learn some way of coping with these thoughts other than unhealthy habits. I am aware a lot of trans-folk go through these issues (when we don't deserve to) and I'm just looking to turn things around for myself. Most days often than not I end up isolating myself because I feel as if I'm not "woman" enough to hang around anyone. It's gotten to a point where I experience major gender envy towards my friends who are cis. It is not that I have a problem with them as people, but I find myself wishing more often than not that I was curvier, or that I had more "feminine" features, or even that I could experience what it is like to be a woman. A huge one is my voice. Hearing my own voice in recordings can trigger dysphoria. I also find myself struggling to ask anyone for help due to me not wanting to feel like a burden for having these feelings and emotions, but I spend 90% of my days in my head just thinking about what I wish life would have turned out to be. I have tried wearing wigs (which i'm not too big a fan of, I hate when they get super messy) and I want to try getting box braids. I feel very dysphoric when my hair is short. If anyone has any tips, that would be extremely helpful

[tracy_j]

Hi Risa, wlcome to the forum

 

You will find people here friendly and helpful so you should soon find your feet. There is a lot of accumulated experiences so please read around. You will find much of what interests you.  Your experiences show lots of the things which others have similar issues with.

 

Tracy

[Aggie1]

Hi risa I don’t know if this is helpful or not but it helps me when someone looks at me 

[Aggie1]

1 hour ago, AgnesBardsie said:

Hi risa I don’t know if this is helpful or not but it helps me when someone looks at me 

… funny to remind myself that they have to prove I’m not who I know I am and I know there is no way they can do that so that gives me a measure of inner strength 

[risajhene]

1 hour ago, tracy_j said:

You will find people here friendly and helpful so you should soon find your feet. There is a lot of accumulated experiences so please read around. You will find much of what interests you.  Your experiences show lots of the things which others have similar issues with.

Thank you, and yes I have been reading around the forum on different topics  I'm glad to know I'm not alone

[risajhene]

1 hour ago, AgnesBardsie said:

… funny to remind myself that they have to prove I’m not who I know I am and I know there is no way they can do that so that gives me a measure of inner strength 

That's a very good way of putting it. I would always think about having to prove who I am to them but that puts it in a different perspective, thank you

[Susan R]

Hello @risajhene, it’s a pleasure to have you here on our support forum. Doubting yourself and losing confidence is really just part of the stages of development in your transition. Many of us go through these periods of lacking confidence, including myself. We have to muster the strength to get through them and eventually they become less of an issue.

 

The confidence you once had can be regained with affirming support of others like those here on this forum, your local trans support group, and of course, your therapist. If these support systems are in place, they can help you gain a perspective that will change those scary encounters so they become positive even if you are clocked or known to be trans. There will almost always be people in your life that know you're trans. You could work on trying to look at these encounters differently. Once people get to know the real and confident you, you will begin to see that being different is not all bad. It’s not a curse, a disability, or a weakness. It’s the opposite. Look at the strength it took to get where you are right now. There are many that can’t do it. You have great courage. Being trans may be novel to some but more of us are out than ever and making waves in the real world. Society’s outdated understanding of what being trans means is definitely changing and your view of it may need to change as well. Eventually, with practice and patience, you’ll focus less on constantly being exactly like every cis woman you see and just be yourself.

 

One thing I’ll say about HRT is that it helps greatly with confidence. It takes off some of those rough edges that male presentation and socialization can leave. It softens your look and calms the soul. If you truly desire to be the woman you’ve suppressed and denied earlier in your life, getting on a proper regimen can make things so much easier for you. But definitely check with your primary care provider and/or your endocrinologist to see if your healthy enough to restart HRT. You are young and results of HRT are often very good in younger adults compared to someone my age. You might be surprised how much a consistent HRT regimen can be a confidence builder.

 

Thanks for sharing a little of yourself. I hope to read more about your journey as it unfolds.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Heather Shay]

Susan said it all but I want to say @risajhene you are doing well. Keep it up.

[risajhene]

12 hours ago, Susan R said:

There will almost always be people in your life that know you're trans. You could work on trying to look at these encounters differently. Once people get to know the real and confident you, you will begin to see that being different is not all bad. It’s not a curse, a disability, or a weakness. It’s the opposite. Look at the strength it took to get where you are right now. There are many that can’t do it. You have great courage. Being trans may be novel to some but more of us are out than ever and making waves in the real world.

That is the issue that scared me the most was being clocked, but putting it in a different perspective definitely helps. I'm also glad to be part of a community that's proving the world wrong one day at a time . Also yes, HRT-wise I am trying my absolute hardest to get back on it because during the time I took it, I felt a confidence boost like you said, and I felt more at peace. Dysphoria was there but wasn't kicking me constantly like it is now. I will follow up on your advice, thank you

[Heather Shay]

I found a wonderful quote from Stephen King of all places about fear..........

"The scariest moment is always just before you start."

[risajhene]

1 hour ago, Shay said:

I found a wonderful quote from Stephen King of all places about fear..........

"The scariest moment is always just before you start."

Very useful quote, I find this true in many aspects of life, especially transition. Even first stepping into women's clothes was frightening but liberating. Thank you for sharing.

[Delcina B]

Welcome Risa! So glad you're here. I remember how scared I was the first time I went outside dressed en femme. It was dark out except for the moonlight, but I was so sure someone was going to jump out of the bushes & see me. No one did. As I go out in the daylight now, even if the butterflies hang out in my tummy, or my heart beats faster I try to just go about my business like I belong. I do belong, just as I am, I am me, & so do you.

 

Something one of the girls in our support group said that helps me is, "Present yourself with confidence. No one's looking at you, most people are looking at their phone, men are not paying attention, or if they do as they raise their head their eyes make it as far as the chest, & if women clock you most will just smile." 

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[risajhene]

On 8/29/2021 at 7:30 PM, Delcina B said:

t was dark out except for the moonlight, but I was so sure someone was going to jump out of the bushes & see me. No one did. As I go out in the daylight now, even if the butterflies hang out in my tummy, or my heart beats faster I try to just go about my business like I belong. I do belong, just as I am, I am me, & so do you.

Late reply, but I definitely know the feeling very well. A lot of my walking now is done during the nighttime (in safe environments of course). And I'm definitely going to practice just presenting myself with confidence, easier said than done. Thank you so much  

[Charlize]

Finding comfort in myself took time.  I remember the first scary trips out.  Later i tried simply buying a pack of gum at a corner store or filling up the gas tank.  When i look back i see that all those years of hiding and living as a male were never simply going to vanish.  Today i simply enjoy being myself.  Each little step helped me find the strength and confidence to run.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize 

[Ivy]

Welcome Risa

[risajhene]

3 hours ago, Jandi said:

Welcome Risa

Hello, thank you so much

[risajhene]

3 hours ago, Charlize said:

 I remember the first scary trips out.  Later i tried simply buying a pack of gum at a corner store or filling up the gas tank.  When i look back i see that all those years of hiding and living as a male were never simply going to vanish.

It's crazy because it's always the little situations that make me nervous, like filling my gas tank or just even going into the gas station. I appreciate this because my anxiety really makes situations so much worse than reality. Thank you.