Advice on purging

[Notsure2015]

 

So I have a very big decision to make over the next 7 days. My girlfriend of two years will be moving in with me and she doesn’t know that I am a cross dresser. I really don’t know how to approach the situation and Im really scared of what may happen. I haven’t told anyone I know about my cross dressing, Im so afraid to be found out. I hate that I cross dress and I hate that I like it, I wish I was either normal or a girl sometimes so I wouldn’t feel the way I do. Im afraid to talk about it to people I know because its such a personal thing and I’m afraid that the wrong people will hear about my problem. Ive been trying to come to terms with who I am but I am struggling. I have tried to explore my feelings and I’m afraid to go too far, I’ve tried under dressing a few times in public and I liked it but was too paranoid that everyone knew what I was doing. I do love my girlfriend and I am afraid to tell her because I am afraid I may lose her. I have a small feeling that she may already know but hasn’t said anything. One day I found a very distinctly colored strand of hair stuck to one of my dresses I had hidden. It was definitely her hair but I don’t know if maybe I sat on it while dressed or she found it while I was out.

 

 

I feel like I only have 3 options at this point. 1: Purge all of my women’s clothes, a hard decision because Im throwing away money, and people who cross dress don’t tend to just stop completely and I’ll just fall back into it. 2: Try hiding my women’s clothes in a storage unit, another expensive option but I feel like Im being a coward and there’s still a chance I’ll be found out. And 3: come out, which I am very afraid of. She may already know as I mentioned before but I’m not 100% sure. My girlfriend is a very kinda and caring person, she told me her friend came out as mtf and she was so excited to help her with transitioning. I think that she would accept me for what I am and be supportive but I am afraid I may lose her. I just don’t know what to do at this point.

 

[Janae]

3 hours ago, Notsure2015 said:

she told me her friend came out as mtf and she was so excited to help her with transitioning

I think that your girlfriend has made a point to tell you this is a good sign, and may have been giving you a chance to tell your story.

My advice is to take this opportunity and come out to her.  A lot of us here have been in this same situation as you are, and the fear of losing someone. If your relationship is to go further it would be best to be open and honest with her now.  If the relationship is meant to be, it will remain after you come out.

 

Janae

[Jackie C.]

Yup, three. Lies are absolutely toxic in relationships. If it's going to work, she needs to know and love all of you.

 

Hugs!

[Charlize]

Honesty seemed impossible to me.  I purged too many times was "caught" several times and lived in shame and fear.  I felt miserable about myself.  I was blessed when i finally came out.  

It is always a tough decision but if it helps i am glad that i can be me now.  I'm sure that otherwise the shame and fear would still be a part of my life.

?You are not alone

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Delcina B]

9 hours ago, Notsure2015 said:

... I really don’t know how to approach the situation and Im really scared of what may happen. I haven’t told anyone I know about my cross dressing, Im so afraid to be found out. I hate that I cross dress and I hate that I like it, I wish I was either normal or a girl sometimes so I wouldn’t feel the way I do. Im afraid ...

Notsure, For decades I felt this way too, I hated, rather abhorred myself, purged, reacquired, acted ultra masculine, on & on. But it never went away & I always ended up in time feeling miserable. This past December I was finally able to honestly look at who I am, I found this forum, thank God. Here I found people who felt like me, & shared loving support, advice & acceptance, they accepted me before I could accept myself. They suggested I see a gender therapist and read a couple of books, (You & Your Gender Identity & My New Gender Workbook). These I have done, & today I can accept & even love myself for who I am. Even at the cost of a marriage. I purged once more in response to being told I was selfish to live this way. I lasted four days, becoming angry, resentful & hating myself & her. I can't live like that.

 

I believe only you can decide who you are, & to love others one must love themselves. 

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[stveee]

Really good advice and experience so far! Can totally relate. My thought is: consider if the relationship may fail it probably won't be due to your dressing at all. Sometimes, some of us are actually afraid of acceptance, too!

I have struggled with fear of not finding companionship myself, and still do. Fear is fear, although it can be very complex, and come in a thousand forms. The truth is: we MUST face our fears eventually, or we will never find fulfillment or be whole. We should be as honest as we can. I think if you explained it just like you wrote it here that it is something you have no choice in, your partner is confronted with an immutable truth, and not necessarily with a "bad habit". 

We also have to consider the other person's rights and respects. Trust is key in relationships. What if the shoe was on the other foot? 

[Mmindy]

@Notsure2015, I really fumbled the Coming Out process with my wife after 44 years of marriage. I only crossdressed in our early years of marriage because we were close in size back then. The advice everyone preceding me is on point. I’m currently reading a book called My Husband Betty by Hellen Boyd, to mark up and share with my wife Suzie. The book primarily deals with Crossdressing and Relationships, barely touching on Transgender relationships. As for the purging, I’ve never had to. Believe it or not, my Suzie and I spent the entire day cleaning out her closet. Only a few sweaters & jackets were my size, and she did ask if I wanted them. In the last couple of months she’s been offering jewelry and footwear advice. Asking if I was ready to move forward? My response up until today was, Not Yet. 
 

Be honest with yourself as well as your girlfriend, aka soon to be roommate. Your desire to dress as a woman won’t go away. Face it with her openly and honestly, if she isn’t scared off, it’s a win. 

Best wishes, stay positive, and safe,

 

Mindy??️‍⚧️?

[Susan R]

21 hours ago, Notsure2015 said:

I do love my girlfriend and I am afraid to tell her because I am afraid I may lose her.

This was me with my current wife of 23 years ago a month before we both flew to Sacramento. Once I bought our flights to meet there I did the biggest purge of my life. Ten years of stuff that filled a huge storage unit. We married and I went 20 years without crossdressing. But it was detrimental to me health and overall personality. The suppression and denial felt like a slow death inside for me. Eventually, I had to admit and accept the truth of who I was and that this really never goes away until dealt with properly. That was 3 years ago. My wife and I are doing better than ever and she had absolutely no understanding of what it meant to be transgender before we met. Yes…Sometimes I wish I had done it all differently but, like you, I am not sure what the outcome would have been. Knowing what I know today, I would have chosen your Option 3 for myself.

 

21 hours ago, Notsure2015 said:

My girlfriend is a very kinda and caring person, she told me her friend came out as mtf and she was so excited to help her with transitioning. I think that she would accept me for what I am and be supportive

I think it’s better to start out with honesty as some have mentioned here. Secrets can eat away at trust over time especially if she finds hints while living with you here and there. I know it’s a very difficult decision but given that your girlfriend has some understanding of what it means to be ‘transgender’ and is accepting of it at some level, you have a chance to make this work with some good communication and understanding. You don’t really want to go through the suppression/denial routine for God knows how long. It’s not living…it’s barely surviving under the weight of secrecy and guilt and that is so difficult to do for the rest of your long life together.

 

Good luck on your big decision,

Susan R?

[Sally Stone]

I have been happily married to the same girl for 44 years.  I told her about Sally before we married and it was the best decision of my life.  When I told her, then we both knew and not only was it a relief, we both got to deal with Sally and her challenges as a team.  That strengthened the relationship.  

 

Oh, and one last thought, it was the best decision of my life.  Tell your girlfriend now, no matter how terrified you might be.  News like this never gets better with age.

[Desert Fox]

I think, it is important to know oneself and be truly honest at the start of a relationship. Purging and repressing your feminine side, when you have a feminine side, will bite you later, and one way or another the relationship will disintegrate painfully if you can’t live authentically and be honest with your partner. Better to learn that at the beginning and risk losing the relationship early on than to not be true to yourself, or to your partner. In my case, I was open and honest at the beginning, but was requested to never present female around her…after 6 years of having to hide, I suffered intense and debilitating dysphoria.  
 

I did very little purging of my female clothes and supplies…fortunately storage is not an issue for me, but six years later, my clothes are dated and don’t fit as well, and I may have to look into some replacements anyway, soooo….

[Sometimes Chrissie]

If she loves you, she'll accept you. It's not like you are a serial killer. You like to cross dress. So what? 

 

In a way you have not been honest with her. Do you want to keep her and lose your authentic self? 

 

Dress up for her and let's say you make a better looking chick than her. Maybe she'll up her game due to the competition? 

 

If you two are the same size it would be a win win.

 

 

[Carly Hughes]

iv lost count of the mount of times i have purged over the years, sometimes its been thru fear of getting caught, sometimes just pure guilt, i must have wasted a fortune lol

but now im single and its been 3 years since iv purged, and lets just say now i have more female clothes than male

[66Brandy]

Six years ago when my wife and I started getting serious we sat down and got all of our secrets out. It turned out that she had some of her own that she was afraid to tell me, but after I told her about my "alternate" wardrobe she felt she was able to. Purging should be your last resort, but if you find that you have to I sell lingerie on e-bay and donate to the "it gets better" project, a foundation that councils youth on their gender questioning.

[Katie M]

As others have said, and as I can say from painful experience, it's best to tell her at the beginning. I wish you both all the best in the world!💜

[Sally Stone]

I just wanted to add a thought regarding purging.   There are really two types of purge.  The first is that one that comes about because we are feeling guilty about our inner woman.  The second type of purge is the healthy one.  I'm going through the second type right now.

 

Over the years, I have accumulated a full female wardrobe that fills a huge closet to bursting.  40 pairs of shoes and 15 or so purses take up a lot of space, not to mention dozens of dresses, skirts, blouses, and outerwear.  And the thing is, most of this stuff I no longer wear.  A purge is clearly in order and long overdue.  You might also call this type of purge spring cleaning, but whatever we choose to call it, a healthy purge from time to time, is a good thing.  

 

Anyone need a pair of size 14, high heel boots, worn only once?

[Artpetal]

I can't fathom throwing away my clothes! Please don't do it! But it's up to you

[Katie M]

2 hours ago, Artpetal said:

I can't fathom throwing away my clothes! Please don't do it! But it's up to you

I second what @Artpetal said. From experience I can tell you that you will most always regret a decision to purge. Maybe just try putting your things aside (out of sight) first, and see how you feel. If you reach the decision that you no longer want your clothes after a period of time, you can donate them or consign them. But, again, as Artpetal said, it's up to you - and you know you better than anyone. Sending hugs!💜